Problems with My Mother

Simply put B. R., sounds like you need to focus on you and your family. I too have a mother who focuses on herself and as I like to put it is that she means well but she hits a lot of speed bumps in the road of life. Sounds like your mom might have hit a speed bump. I would take it for what it is and worry about your own issues and move on. I know your feelings are hurt but you need to come to the realization that your mom has a different priority than you and looks at things completely different than you do. Once you stop worring about trying to alway make it right based on your thoughts and opinions you will free yourself of a lot stress. You mother needs to realize that you are her daughter and she needs to be there for you. It just seems if something was said or done by you or somebody in your family to upset them causing them to leave, the lease they could do is give you the common courtesy to fix it or an attempt to make it right. They are adults by age but it sounds like emotionally they are children and willing to walk away from the route cause of the issue. Therefore, move on and focus on yourself and your family. You can't control your mother and she definitely has her own agenda so just don't worry about it let her do some worrying. She might not at first but in time she will. Your mother owes you the courtesy of understanding you and your situation. The problem is she is too focused on her own issues so don't plan on anything changing, you just need to work around it since you can't change family. Goodluck.

Hi,
I am sorry that this confusing situation is swirling around you. I noticed that you said you are not that close to your mom and that she talked at you and mainly about herself.

It is hard for people to change much, and she seems consistent. She is probably doing the best she can, and you will not be able to change her. What you can change is your reaction. Just accept that she will do things that are less than ideal. It was good you decided not to start a fight with her, that is an excellent path. She may try to provoke you, because that is how she is used to interacting.

She seems to be all about herself, and that is a shame. She will miss out on quite a bit. As for her jealously about your visits to your DH's family, take it in stride. Agree with her, and keep going.

BTW, perhaps she leaves your home early because she just prefers to be at home, on her own turf. IPlease don't take it personally, although it is hard not to. I think this is way more abut her than about you.

I am sorry that the situation is like it is, but it sounds as though you have it together and have a nice family. Just take care of yourself and the ones close to you and enjoy!
Char

Focus on your family and don't waste any of this precious time in your life on others, no matter who they are!

You didn't Cause it- You can't Control it- You can't Cure it. You can be an awesome Mom and Wife and spend your time on people who will benefit from your efforts and love.

I have a nutty family and my Mom resides w/us and she STILL is not happy! Sounds like your Mom likes the spotlight and when the focus is not on her-she makes it so. My mom usually cries or is sick on my B-Day. "My mom is a 12 yr old"- I repeat it to myself and it helps keep perspective. They work in groups so don't think it's you if you're outnumbered.

You need to recognize how you should be treated and not worry about why they are not contacting you- It their loss!

Catch up on sleep, paint your nails, spend extra time w/ your 5 year old- You have an infant. Do anything except spend your time thinking about people who are just not totally thrilled for you and your resent blessing. Have a good weekend!

B.,
I know you've had a ton of responses but this request hit so close to home, we could be sisters! I have dealt with the same types of things you are going through now for many years. In fact, I am expecting my 3rd child next month and still playing the "are you coming or not" game with my Mom. She tells others she wouldn't miss it for the world but when speaking with me, there's always a "I'll do my best to get there if I can".

So, some things our moms have in common I think are their own dysfunctional families. I have learned to deal with this by realizing she has her own issues to deal with and much of what she takes out on me is just her defense mechanism from her past. I do know she loves me and she is a good person at heart even though she can't always express this in a "normal" manner. I also really enjoy being with her when she is happy and my children love her. I have found that respecting her as a person (not just my mom) and realizing that I don't always know all the details of what has happened or is happening in her life has helped me to be more understanding. When she is trying to control a situation or simply floundering about something that is important to me I just remind myself not to expect the same thing from her I would from myself. That eleminates much of the disappointment and helps me to feel less guilty or concerned (thinking I did something to upset her).

I like having her in my life when she is willing to be a part. But the bottom line is, I feel the need to have some control over how I treat people and how I allow them to make me feel. I don't want to judge my mom and have no right (and probably no ability) to try to change her. The only thing that is in my control is to accept and love her as is while taking responsibility of how I let her affect me.

Good luck with your parents and most of all with your own little family. My own family is a huge blessing and like some of the other mom's responses, I love to focus on them and learn from my mom's mistakes and triumphs. After all, she didn't do everything wrong! :-)

B.,

How old are your parents. Can I am available to talk but would rather talk by phone. May I call you? If so please prvide a phone number if you feel that this would be a good idea. Mother of three beautiful daughters and two more beautiful grand children. Mom

I have the same kind of family. Best advice I can give you is go on with your life and teach your kids different. Teach them family sticks together and up for each other as it's legal. Break the cycle. I did and it can be done. OH!!! don't worry about contact because they have YOUR address and YOUR phone number too. Get my drift? Live your your life, it's their loss.

sometimes B., no matter how hard it is, we have to cut our family out of our lives. Especially if they are not offering you any support and only adding stress.
For the sake of your family (husband and children) you need to concentrate on making you happy. You have your own family now and unless you want to fall into the cycle of dsyfunction you need to move on and not worry about what your mother is trying or not trying to do.
It is hard, but at this point and time it is probably the best thing for you to do. You have to worry about what all of the dsyfunction and arguing and manipulating does to your children and to your own marriage. Put your family first and when you mother, father or sister decide they want to have a healthy relationship with you, you can allow them to be part of your life.
don't allow them to draw you in and make you miserable, you have too much to worry about with your own family and they need you to be healthy for them.

Goodluck, it will all work out for the best.

I'm going through a similiar problem but it is with an older sister of mine. She may be 5 yrs. older than me but definitely does not act that way. I've learned to ignore most of the drama up until recently when i had had enough sometimes people that choose to make more of a hassle out of life are the people who do it when they are not happy in their own lives. The best thing I found to do is say exactly what i mean to say instead of enabling the poor behavior of others, you know that old saying of "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all", well in some cases you actually have to throw that out because the behavior continues and now it will not only affect you but your whole family, i.e. your husband and children, it did with mine and it almost caused a split up and also a lot of broken hearts with my three children who get caught in the middle of all the DRAMA!!!Just take some time to schedule when you know your mother would be at home and show up and don't let it stop you with all the emotional stuff she may put you through and tell her how you really feel about the way she conducts herself and that it needs to change, and let her throw her fit and say well you just don't want me around ,and say you know what I need a mom and my children need a grandmother and if you can't conduct yourself in a better manner than no I don't want you around. It stings but in the end you'll be putting your foot down which also will show your children you will not tolerate that kind of bad behavior in your household they may stay away for awhile but they will come back let them make the first attempt and don't be miserable because as long as you can show them that you are stronger and that you will not let that type of behavior run over you and make you a wreck than you hold the power to stop that behavior.Good Luck!! Find your wings and spread them!!

I have to agree with Rebecca. You need to worry about what is going on in your house and to create a healthy life style with your family. It is sad that they have choosen to be this way but that is their choice and you have to make choices for yourself. I am going through something like this with my brother. I finally decided that he is choosing to be the way he is and I am not going to have him in my life. I have to worry about what is best for my children. Yes it is hurtful but you know that you are not wanting to raise your children in this manner.
I would not have further contact with them unless they decide to contact you. You made an awesome effort to keep the peace not it is time to cut the cord.

Wow... what a very peculiar situation. How is the relationship between your father and mother, I wonder? Could it be that their relationship is a mess and she is jealous of yours and your husband's? You say she came from a dysfunctional family so perhaps she never really learned how to have good relationships with others -- husband, children, whomever. Does she have close friends? Seems like people who don't know how to have friendships take out their frustrations on whoever is closest to them, i.e. family. It sounds like you need to maybe have a talk with your other family members and see what is going on in her world and how to get her to be a more positive person, if possible. Can she join a church, or a club of some sort? If all else fails, then definitely stop wasting energy on her and like the other ladies said, start focusing on what is really important -- your husband and your children. They don't need her negative energy around them any more than you do. Good luck and I hope you can find some resolutions.

B., unfortunatley I have in-laws that behaved very similarly when our children were young. Well, the years went by and the in-laws stayed at our home only twice through those years. Now they wonder why our children don't/won't have much to do with them. I didn't talk my husbands parents down, the children figured this out on their own. Our grown daughter recently told me that she has decided that set of grandparents weren't ready for grandchildren at the time. They now have 2 other grandchildren that get all of their time and attention. Our children were extremely well behaved growing up so it's not like they were a real problem to have around. It hurt and still does at times and the sad thing is the children and they missed out on so many good times together. Just make sure the other grandparents know their grandchildren well. And since the others are so far away, how about fostering grandparents? I've heard of that and it can be so nice for all involved. Good luck~

Nothing is wrong with you and you are not alone. You can choose your friends, but you are born with a family... be it good or bad... they are your family. The "family" you choose to create to surround and expose your children to, though, is your choice.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional family that is still dysfunctional. My children have multiple "grandparents", and "cousins" who are not related to us thanks to wonderful people from our small town and our church.

Obviously, when you give attention to your in-laws, your mother gets jealous. That is not your problem, that is your mothers' problem.

Continue to treat people with respect, kindness and care... the way you would want to be treated. However, there is no reason for you to go out of your way for people (family) who routinely are disrespectful to you. If they make ammends and change their behaviors, a second chance is always there... but they need to make changes, not you.

OY! B.,
It is difficult to accept we will NOT have healthy relationships with those who are close to us and are dysfunctional. You AND your husband, in agreement, will need to learn how to set healthy boundaries and "reasonable" expectations. Reasonable here, means, what you can reasonably expect as a human being in general, modified by what you can reasonably expect your mom/dad can deliver, given their dysfunction. DO NOT allow their dysfunction to spill over into your (hopefully better) relationship with the other Grandparents. Make your plans to relate to them independently from what your parents actions are, even if your mom throws a tantrum. Then go have fun with them. Build into the relationships that ARE healthy and affirming, because the one with your mom will continue to drain you and drag you down.....unless she would change (don't hold your breath). Learn how to protect yourself from her erratic behavior, which seems to be a given. Leave her the liberty to "do her thing" (leave early, not come, etc. all the crazy making STUFF) without it pulling you into trying to placate her or even trying to "figure out what happened." Just accept it as what it is: DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR, let it go and live a happy life with your husband and kids. There is NEVER any "good" explanation for dysfunctional behavior. Remind yourself that YOU are NOT to blame for her choices, no matter how the guilt is dished up to you.
Don't go chasing after them, either. As long as they have such sick attitudes, you actually want to MINIMIZE your children's contact with them....sad I know, but do you want your kids learning dysfunction too? Love and respect your parents, but be careful about the amount of "closeness" you try to foster.

I think one of the hardest things in life to deal with as we get older is that sometimes we have to put our foot down with our parents. This is definitely not easy especially when you are the "peacemaker" or you are afraid of letting your parents down. But now that we have families, we are responsible for what goes on in our home and with our lives. I absolutely adore my parents and siblings but I always try to ask myself "would I want my children to think it is okay to let someone do this to them?" or "what am I teaching my children?". I guess what I am saying is that from what you have written, you have done nothing wrong. Some people constantly create and thrive on drama, tension and fights. My advice is to try to clear the air with one last phone call just for peace of mind and if that doesn't work, think of how lucky you are to have two beautiful children! Anyone that wants to be a positive part of you life is welcome but others who are negative, including family, can keep to themselves if they can't respect you enough to talk to you about a possible problem.

Hi B.
Its too bad we don't all have perfect families but it seems they are only on TV.
If you think your mom would sit down and have a frank discussion, by all means try it. If she is not interested
honestly evaluate how you interact with your mom and see if there is any you could have done differently. If not,
be as polite and welcoming as you can and just ignore the slights. You have your own family now and they are your first priority.
It could be that your mother has to be the center of attention and feels she is being upstaged by your children. I had a sister in law like that and she wanted everyone to be as miserable as she was.
Just try not take the slights and hurts to heart. Your mother is missing out on so much. I treasure my closeness with my children and grandchildren.

Aw sweetie, I am sorry for your situation. I have not read all the responses yet, but I want to recommend a great book for you -- Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. I think it will be very helpful to you, and it is a great book.

Have you tried calling them again? Why waste your time waiting for them to call when you can pick up the phone yourself?

I don't mean that to sound harsh because I do feel for you. My mom is extremely selfish. She lives across the country and she didn't even meet my second son until he was 1 month old. I just have low expectations when it comes to her, so I am never disappointed. It doesn't sound like your mom is one who wants to pitch in with the grandkids, so stop holding her to those standards. That way you will never be disappointed. It stinks - I know all too well, but you will not change your parents and you just have to learn to love them the way they are. You are lucky to have those wonderful kids, so try to enjoy them and give them the unconditional love you wish your parents would give you. I know it hurts, but don't dwell on what you can't control.

However, you can still let them know you miss them by giving them a call today.

I completely agree with Eldonna, it probably has nothing to do with you. There are some people out there, my sister is one of them, who have a very self centered personality. Its just the way they are. Life is not about her kids or grandkids, its all about her. They only talk about themselves because thats really all they give two hoots about, EVERYTHING is about them.

I honestly think most of why my sister is that way is because she doesn't have a lot of self worth and feels like she has to talk well of herself and do so often to make other people think she is a good, decent person. Her life is very messy and talking of herself in a normal way makes her feel more normal. It's very ironic that her life would likely be much better if she would stop thinking about herself all the time.

I find it hard to spend time with her, and I feel sorry for her. We actually used to be close and just aren't anymore, if she's so focused on her I can't really relate to that. There has been a couple of occasions where I have stopped her mid sentence and asked her how the hell what she's talking (of course about herself) had anything to do with what I just said (usually something completely unrelated to her). She has apologized a couple of times but I still doubt she actually listened to anything else I said because it wasn't about her.

They are the way they are, I wish it were different but you either have to deal with her the way she is and love her, or decide you can't deal with her and have little involvement with her. Love her the best you can from a distance if need be.

Hi B.,

I truly feel for whay you must be going through be gentle on yourself and you know, it may just be a blessing that they haven't contacted you! As you said you aren't that close to them anyway and if you met them at a party would you want to hang out with them?

That being said of course they are family and give yourself some time, sounds like from what you have expressed you have been injured and need some healing time.

blessings.

S.

I do feel for you. It can be hard when parents impose and try to make comparisons with the other side of the family. I think you are best not to get caught up in fighting with your Mom...that seems to be what she wants. Remember that you, your husband and your kids are YOUR family. You need to do what is best with them. Sometimes when they come from a dysfunctional family, they don't know any better way to relate. I know it sounds cliche, but I would really try to take the good...the times they do want to spend with you...and try to ignore the bad. People who aren't dependable, you just have to recognize that and not rely on them to carry through with their actions. It sounds like your in laws are cool and maybe that will give you some family you can enjoying being with minus the drama.

If your Dad does come and talk to you, try to listen and do what you can to make peace. But, I'd see if you can also make your feelings known to him. Sometimes a third party like that can help the situation.

Good luck!

B., the problem is not you it is your mother. I really don't think she is emotionally well at this stage of her life. She wants to be a good grandmother and mother but doesn't know how. By what you said about her family she has nothing to compare as a role model to know HOW to be a good mother. She needs your understanding and your flexiablity to let her be her without letting it hurt your feelings. Just love her all the more. Start sending little cards or notes to let her know how much her visits (no matter how short they were) meant to you and your children. Let her know she is loved no matter what. Treat her with kindness and give her all your support. Love never fails.

My only advise is, take their attention when you can get it for your kid's sake, but don't change your own schedules to accommodate them. If they call and say they are coming and you have plans, tell them they are welcome but you have things you need to get done. Put time limits on visits "Well, we have soccer on Monday and dance on Tuesday, but if you want to come Wednesday through Saturday we can spend some time with you."
Nod and smile as your mom talks and leave it at that. It's sad that you are made to feel so insignificant, but dwelling on it will only make you feel that much worse.

Good Luck!

print this letter out, write in big letters on the envelope, I LOVE YOU BOTH, AND CANNOT EXPRESS SOME OF MY FEELINGS IN PERSON, SO HERE IS HOW I FEEL. PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. LOVE, B.. then give it to your parents.

My family has dealt with similar situations from both sides. The best advice I can give you is to pass on what a very wise pastor said to us about my grandmother, who seems to have been the spiritual twin of your mother.

"You are obligated to love your parents and make sure they're physical needs are met. You do not have to like them."

It's hard to accept that you may never be friends, but you seem to be no longer the child in the relationship either, if you ever were. Concentrate on your husband and children and make sure they have the kind of mother you wish you'd had.

Are you a younger sister I never knew about.

To the world my mother is a wonderful mother but to me she sucks as a mother and is only close to me when she and my only sister are fighting, which is very rare.

When my sister divorced her 2nd husband (I am on #1- she's now on #3 and it's falling apart) my mother loved me and thought she was trash. She did get really mad at me once when I did come to her mother's burial (I was in the hospital pregnant and having problems). When he was born she had nothing to do with him for years.

It's been like this my whole life. She didn't even come to my wedding and didn't want to see pictures until my sister got married the first time and she was looking at her proofs and stated I never saw any of your pictures. I thrw it back to her that I didn't think she cared since she didn't come.

I have learned to tune it out and live my life the best I can. It does hurt but my dad is wonderful.

We have lost our house and are about ready to be put out. My mother says I can stay with them but my husband cannot. We will be married for 34 years this March first. She still is mad all these years because I was pregnant when I married. We were going to be married any way in June of the same year.

By the way they (my parents) live 8 houses up and across the street. She really does not have room for even me. A cousin lives with them paying peanuts, and 2 of my sister's kids who are in college live there because we live way closer to UC than my sister does.

All I can say is it will never get better. Try to live without her. Find and befriend a Grandmotherly type in your neighborhood who could be a support person. Some one who could watch the kids and help out when needed. We all do that here. My neighbors were more support than my mother when is comes to a helpful hand. I am recovering from quad-by-pass and one family has feed my husband almost every night when I wa in the hospital and when I came home too. One lady works full time (teacher at our school) she brought dinner a few nights. A neighbor I have only spoken to a few times sent a lovely gift. I had a stack of cards from people in the 2 communities that make up our school district. They were all better support than she was and is.

Like your mother she talks about her and when you need to lean on her she doesn't want to hear about it.

Well hang in there.

I have a mother-in-law from hell... so I can relate. She never helps us out with anything, yet expects us to do things for her at the drop of a hat. You can't pick your family. My best advice would be to make connections to people closer to you, friends or neighbors that will be more supportive or you and be there for your children. Make plans with them and do it often. They will be there for you when your family is not. When your mom wants to come for a visit... you'll just happen to have plans that weekend. If she realizes you have other people in your life, she may be more willing to make more of an effort. If not, there is nothing you can do without being completely blunt with her, which may put you on non-speaking terms. Either way, you need some more positive people in your life. Best of luck... teach your kids the importance of family and be sure not to repeat her mistakes.

Wow! I too have a dysfunctional mother and for as angry as she makes me at the time of an incident, I am able to let go and laugh about it later (not with her of course). Here's my advice...You are NOT going to ever change her; she's too set in her ways for that. I would maintain a positive and cordial (almost formal) relationship with her only. Do the obligatory holiday visits (or whatever makes her happy), and when you just can't stomach an extra visit make up a believable lie and be so sorry that you are not able to get together. Listen to her stories about herself and only tell her fluff about your life. DO NOT give her intimate details of your life that she could later hold against you or blab to someone else, take out of context and manipulate so that she has a fabulous story to tell. If she says she'll help, don't count on it, don't set yourself up for disappointment; don't trust her. And DON"T EVER let her be alone with your kids!!! Who knows what she'll say to your daughter about you someday!!! You just have to let go emotionally and save yourself the heartache of every one of her whims. I would not give up on the relationship for one reason only...your kids! Not that they need a grandmother like her, but they need to see a family that functions, so you need to make it seem as though you do. My kids have no idea (yet) that they have aunts who don't speak to each other, a grandma and aunt who are fueding, a grandpa and aunt who don't speak to each other and so on. All families have their wars. BUT I would like my kids to think for as long as possible that everyone is happy and gets along with each other; I guess I just believe that the longer they go thinking all is well, the less likely they'll be to get involved in disfunctional relationships in the future. Don't think I am suggesting that you have your children ignore an obvious problem, because I'm not. If my kids ever ask me if grandpa and missy are angry at each other, then we'll discuss it, but for now I just keep them unaware of those petty adult issues. You can have your kids see you behaving kindly with grandma and sending her on her way at the end of the day (and don't let them overhear you talking about grandma behind her back; make sure they're asleep first!). If grandma is mean to you and they see it, let them also see you handle it with self respect and discuss it with them later; you'll know what to say. Don't let them see you fly off the handle and get into a screaming match with your mom; THAT is what will be more dangerous to their psyche! Basically, let them see the behavior that you think is healthy and that you want them to develop. If they come across behavior that is less than that, talk with them about it and help them make sense of why it happened and possibly generate thoughts on how things could have happened in a better, healthier way. GOOD LUCK!