Risky Behavior Pt 2 - Daytona Beach,FL

SO...what are you going to do when he meets a woman he DOES want to commit to? Do you really think that woman will want you around "co-parenting" when that should be her job? Do you really think she will want his friends with benefits raising who is HER step daughter? Do you think she will want you to live there? Do you really think she is going to arrange her life, so you can have your time with her? Do you really think she will want her calling YOU mommy, when she will be the one doing the raising, and financially caring for her?

I'm only trying to be helpful. What you are doing is harmful for this child. You are NOT her mommy. You will NOT be around forever. You are NOT a family. You are presenting this child with a picture, that is not the truth. You are setting her up to be incredibly hurt. You have no legal, emotional, relational right to this child. When someone else comes along, you will be the burden. The child will be the one hurt. The right thing to do, would to STOP presenting this child with a family picture. You are not a family. You are not her mother. You are there, for now. Until something else happens, until someone else comes along. Until he no longer needs you. You ARE being used by him. He is manipulating you, by your affections for her. He knows you will be around for sex and to help him, because you care for her.

This situation is temporary. It's dysfunctional. It's unhealthy. It's a lie. You WILL hurt her more then she is being hurt. You are fooling yourself, if you t think you are any more to him, then a convenient sex buddy, and help for his daughter. You are NOT a permanent fixture. You are hurting this child, can you really not see that?

You are not her mommy, and never will be. She is not your daughter and never will be. You are not in a real relationship with him, and never will be. You are not a family, and never will be. You are playing house, at the expense of a child.

You guys have the best intentions but I have to wonder what is going to happen when he finds someone he 'really' loves and wants to spend his life with. She will undoubtedly be uncomfortable with YOU around so the poor little girl will lose another mommy. ANd you will be crushed to lose your 'daughter'.

Roommate? Sleeping together? Are you a couple, or not? Raising a kid together that's not yours? The kid calling her dad's roommate "mommy"? No wonder the kid is acting out. She's freaking confused. And frankly, so am I. This sounds like the most dysfunctional environment & relationship in which to involve a child.

He's living the dream - he gets in house childcare, housekeeping, cooking, and booty that he doesn't even have to work for, with none of the commitment. Girlfriend, you're being played for a fool.

The only person you are fooling is YOU.....If there is no commitment in this relationship and you want to help raise this child, then you should move out of his bedroom and move into your own room and he should be paying you a weekly salary.

This child is so confused, there's no wonder she acts out. She's had how many "mommies"? She sees you together, but you're not really "together". How many more mixed signals must you give her? Either define your relationship with her father as together or not, there is no other option unless of course you want to create one dysfunctional kid who grows up resenting the hell out of you both. Sorry so harsh, but you both need to have a reality check. Put the child first, not yourselves.

Troll Saturday I guess...

On the other hand if you're for real, ditch the room-mate and either find someone to be in a relationship with or find a roommate you don't sleep with and play mommy to his kid.

What will happen to this little girl once you get tired of either living with or fighting with your roommate with benefits? What will happen to this child when you actually find someone that is more than a roommate you happen to sleep with? You don't sound like you're after a life-long relationship with this child's father... you say you will stay involved in this girl's life - but guess what: it's a package deal!

So if you're for real, stop screwing around with this little girls heart and mind. Your roommate needs to live alone and take her of his child for some time - she has been through a lot and needs to bond with her father, not with women entering and leaving his life like a revolving door. Tell him to take some parenting classes and move out.

I understand it's hard not to feel defensive about this. You're obviously very involved and care a lot for this little girl. That said, try to look at what the women on this site are trying to say.

They're trying to tell you:
1) They are afraid this man is using you. - Try to think about how all of this came about. How soon after his ex-gf moved out did you two start sleeping together? How soon did you move in? He might be using you to fill an emotional hole until someone "better" comes along.
2) They are worried about the little girl, just like you are. - Did she see daddy and ex-gf fighting before she left? If so, maybe she thinks that since you guys are fighting that you're going to leave too. She probably does have some issues that need to be addressed.
3) They feel that you should not be allowing to call this little girl to call you "mommy" because someday she may actually HAVE a mommy who is in a committed relationship with her dad, and you will (in essence) have been replaced, thus creating one more woman who has been in (and out of) her life.

TRY to look at it from an outside point of view. I know it's difficult, but try to pretend you're not in this situation and read what you've written. Try to imagine that you are married to the man of your dreams and have a wonderful family with him and re-read this and see what your heart says.

If you are not in a relationship (except with the 2 yr old who calls you Mommy) - why are you willing to settle for this situation?
Don't YOU want to be in a relationship?
Have a committed partner who wants to grow old with you and raise your own family?
You are 27 and have your life in front of you.

I take it that you wrote this a second time thinking that the answers would substantially change if you "explained" it more.

The fact that the bio mother is no longer in the picture because of her drug habit has no bearing on the present. The answer is still the same. This man is using women to parent his child. He is using YOU. Maybe you are using him too, I don't know. But you are the vulerable one between you two.

The MOST vulnerable one is this little girl.

Somehow, I don't think that anything anyone says here is going to make a difference, because just by the fact that you've posted a second time on here, it seems that you just don't understand that there is something terribly wrong with what you and this guy are doing.

I feel so sorry for this little girl.

Dawn

Seriously, what do you define as a "relationship"?

I have relationships with friends, family, co-workers, children, grandchildren, parents and I don't sleep or "whatever" with any of them.

Looks to me you are in a relationship of some sort. If I had a roommate, that would be a "relationship". And you "sleep" together???.
You ARE in a relationship that is DYSFUNCTIONAL, but no doubt your intentions were good, but it won't work for this poor little child.
Do not fight in front of children or involve children in adult issues.
They will grow up as dysfunctional as you are. They mimic and pattern after what they see and hear, so seeing it like you describe, becomes their "normal".

When you guys get tired of "playing house", and split up this situation, the children are ripped again, what a terrible price they must pay. If you plan to keep this "non"relationship, you need to learn how to communicate appropriately and get some lessons in parenting, and learn what it is to have a "relationship".

Jess,

Please go back and re-read what everyone has written so far. Most are saying the same thing, just using different words and phrases.

They are all right.

What you and this child's father are doing is SO damaging to her, despite your good intentions.

When you two stop this charade (he finds a woman he wants to commit to or you find someone, or you simply cannot tolerate the fights any longer), make sure there is a child therapist in line to help this little girl with the mass of rage, confusion, hurt, and grief she is bound to feel.

I feel so sad for her. Heart-breaking sadness knowing what is in store for this innocent child.

Las thought, if you genuinely love this little girl, please find a therapist now to help all of you sort through this. At least the theapist would be one stable, dependable person in her life.

Less than 6 months ago, you posted about this child spending 2-3 nights per week with his ex. So, clearly, his ex has not been out of the picture long, and you were in the picture at ther exact same time calling youself mommy while the child also called the ex mommy. Damn, man.

As the parent of an adopted child, I really encourage you to read about abandonment in children and the impact that it has on kids. Even abandonment at birth carries a lifelong sting. This child has been abandoned by two mothers already, if in fact the ex really has given up all contact now.

Also, there is no such thing as instant attachment. Attachment is a bond that is created by consistently meeting a child's needs over a period of time. The safety and security that they get forms the attachment. Real attachment with a birth parent (or an adoption at birth) can be strong at about 18 months, but it is not an instant occurrence. You may have felt some type of connection, but the child was not instantly attached to you. I highly recommend the books "Attaching in Adoption," "Help for the Hurt Child," and "The Connected Child", as well play therapy.

I've read both questions and I have some questions.

If she's two, what school is she going to? Also, in this question she has a sister, but who's the mom of that one? And wouldn't the sister be, like, one? I don't know any one year old that eats at their own table.

And the man fathered a child with his sister? So by my math, he sleeps with his sister, knocks her up, baby delivered 2 years ago, becomes verbal about 6 months (at the earliest), calls her mother/aunt "mommy", then dad hooks up with ex from 6 months to, what a year and a half? Ex leaves b/c she doesn't want to raise baby, but now wants visitation (your april question).

You enter the equation, decide to be mommy....and well, I just read this again and don't see your question. Are you asking if this arrangement is good and healthy? I think you know the answer to that. Your Part One question seemed to only be asking about the arguing between you and the dad. Yes, that is a problem. If you two don't know how to problem-solve, then how is she going to learn?

But I have a hard time swallowing these facts - and especially the dad/sister, three women she's called mommy, goes to school, has a younger sister...and is only 2 years old.