Seeking Freedom from Fear of Having Kids

I find it helps to remember this: It's not about you; it's about the kids. Focus on what they will get from having a mother as wonderful as you....

Hi D.,
I had always wanted kids, so I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I have 2 very good friends that have decided not to have kids. Both of them have said things very similar to what you've said "no desire", "having to be responsible" etc...I totally respect their decisions.
I can tell you from experience, (I have 3 kids 8, 10, 14) that motherhood is THE HARDEST job you will ever have... do not have children if you are only doing it because people are telling you to.
I can't believe people would say that NOT having children is selfish! I guess as women we have a "choice" to end a pregnancy but we don't have a "choice" to start one??
Good Luck D.. ~ D.

Hi D.,

I don't think you have anything you need to get over. Some people just aren't meant to be parents and there is nothing wrong with that. If you don't truly want a child, then it is not a good idea to have one. For most of my life I thought I did not want kids... one day something in my body said... I'm ready... I'm ready to give up everything for the love of a child... I had my son and couldn't be happier, but had I had him before I had that readiness revelation I can only imagine the resentment I would have had.

Sounds like you may be more worried about the psychological reasons that you don't want a child. If that's the case maybe you can talk to a counselor to work through the issues you think you may have.

Either way, I see nothing wrong here. You seem to be a loving person (being attracted to the friends baby and having a loving person) so I wouldn't worry about it... if you want kids you will KNOW you want kids, and I see nothing wrong with not wanting them. They are a HUGE responsibility that just isn’t worth it for some.

Hi! I always wanted children so I am not speaking from a experience but here is two examples of what you wrote about. One of my friends loves kids and works with them daily but never has had any of her own. She too doesn't want to care for them on a personal 24/7 basis or loose her freedom. I applaude her for not giving in to the presures around her because she knows she WOULD resent that child. She is a wonderful, caring, loving person who has not had children and she shares her love with others. Sounds like you are that type of person. Also I have seen one person get pressured into having a child and she WAS the worst mother. She had her child taken away by social services. You need to make your feelings VERY clear to your husband and unless you trully want a child don't have one. It won't be good for any of you if you resent, hate or dislike your own child. A child needs your love, support and caring and it is for the rest of your life!!! Not just 18+ years!!! Also NO YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH YOU ARE BEING REALISTIC!!!!!! A.

D. - I was terrified of pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing up until last year. It was actually by going through my yoga teacher training and studying yoga philosophy on compassion did I feel myself open up and let go of my fears. What was I afraid of? With pregnancy, I didn't want to give up my figure, I was afraid of the pain, and the inconvenience of carrying a baby. With childbirth, it was pain. With child-rearing, it was the immense responsibility it meant plus I didn't care for children until a few years ago.

After my 7th wedding anniversary, I finished my teacher training and felt that I was just ready to let go and enter a new chapter of my life, i.e. that of being a mother. I added a prenatal yoga certification and that just opened my eyes and heart up even further - being able to carry, deliver, and raise a child is an incredible gift! So with that, my DH and I started trying and conceived after a month of effort to our great relief and joy.

For you, ask yourself why you want to have children? The desire should really come from you first and foremost, and don't worry about what society thinks. Secondly, get yourself informed and educated to allay some of your other fears if you do think you want to go ahead. You should talk to your doctor about the risk of birth defects etc and also about genetic screening. Even then, nothing is totally guaranteed. Are you and your husband openly talking about your fears and concerns? having a supportive spouse is invaluable - without my DH, I could not have gone through my pregnancy and birth. FYI, I gave birth naturally without drugs so I got over my fear of pain with the help of Bradley Method classes.

Now that I have my baby, I sometimes feel overwhelmed with the huge sense of responsibility and I do sometimes cry when I feel exhausted and frustrated. But overall, I adore my daughter and am so happy to welcome her into the world.

Really look into yourself and just be really honest - you'll make the right decision for you!

Hi D.,

I think you're really brave for posting this here and being so honest about your feelings. I also think you answered your own question. "I think being selfish is having a child when you aren't sure if you are really ready to do so just because you can or because society makes you feel like a loser if you don't." I agree. Being a mother is the most wonderful, amazing experience of MY life. However, that's me. It's impossible to be 100% "ready" to have your first child but a strong desire to step up to the challenge is an important part of the equation. Without that raising a child will be very difficult. Especially, as you mentioned, if your child has special needs. But even healthy, happy children are not "easy" to raise. It takes work. It is thankless at times.

Anway, if you aren't sure you want a child I think you are right to question your current path and I suggest you have a long, honest discussion with your hubby.

I once had a frustrated, unhappy mother with 3 little girls following behind her look me in the eye as we crossed paths in a store and grumble "I didn't want any of you to begin with..." It broke my heart. I knew the girls heard her. I wanted to take them in my arms and hug them. I didn't know her, she could have been a single mom at the end of her rope just having a really bad day, or week, or month. But I'll never forget that. Don't be that mom.

Good luck whatever you choose. It's a big decision. Either way, I'm sure you'll make the right one.

D.,

I'm not afraid of having kids and have 4, two from my first marrage and a set of twin boys (now 11 months old). I had the twins when I was 46 and they are perfect in every way. So don't let your age lead you to believe that your child will not be normal. You need to confront your feelings and decide why you don't want kids? Is it because you're afraid you won't be a good mom OR is it that you're afraid of giving up or losing out on your current life style?

Dear D.,

depends on what you mean by suffocated,

I take my children with me everywhere i go and I have 3 of them

they are work but, I never resent them,

One baby is easy as pie.

If you are more specific about your fear i can try and help you,

At 40 you should be able to safely give birth to a healthy child, as long as your responsible eating healthy ect..

The most difficult part of parenting is the lack of sleep
which hopefully your husband will share.

later the terrible 2's not so terrible, basically they start having an opinion, and usually its either yours or your spouses.

at 3 they start preschool.

and sadly thats when your time with your child is limited

--You could hire an Aupair to live with you and help you out

I think its 250 per week.

I don't think its selfish to decide not to have kids,

BUT I don't think thats why your writing,

I think you want to have kids, your just affraid.

And want us to help you make a choice.

I say go for it, your 40 , so its NOW or NEVER,
you know what they say in the business world either **** or get off the pot.

You already know you want a baby, you just don't need more help.

Tell hubby you want an Aupair. or Live in Nanny

this will work out best for everyone

M

Hi D.,

My advice to you is to stick to your guns and quit worrying about what "society" says. Everyone is always talking about having babies to carry on your personal "legacy", but if you are that uncomfortable with the aspect of having/bringing a child into this world....DON'T DO IT!! It is your decision (and obviously your husbands) but ultimately since you would be carrying the baby for 9 months, it really is yours. Not to sound horrible or anything, but some women just don't have the "nurturing" feelings. I say this because my ex-sister in law was like that. She only had a child with my brother because that was what she was supposed to do (they were in their 20's at the time). My brother was the one that got up and fed/changed/cared for my nephew from day 1. She would just totally stress out and have to go to bed with a headache everytime the baby would cry. They seperated/divorced by the time my nephew was 4. My brother wound up with sole custody of him because my ex sister in law just couldn't be bothered. Please don't take this that I am insinuating that you would be the same, I only wanted to say that some people just don't have the nurturing feelings that babies/children really need. This also includes men!!!

Again, stick to your guns. If you truly feel in your heart and soul that having a child is not for you, don't do it.

I hope this has helped in some way. Good luck with whatever you decide and God Bless.

K.

I agree with you. I think it is selfish to have a child because that is what you're "supposed" to do. I think it takes great honesty and courage to admit that you're not a person who is interested in having kids. That is OK. I think no matter who you are, having a child is scarey. Money, dependency, limited freedom. It's HARD to adjust to those things no matter what. I tried to conceive my daughter for 18 months. When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. I was THRILLED the entire pregnancy. However once she was here, I spiraled into a bad case of post partum depression and a good part of it was my adjustment to the fact that she was basically attached to me 24/7 but on the outside now. I couldn't just put her down and go do something else. I freaked out. So, I guess what I saying is that if it doesn't seem like something you're willing to go through because you love children and want to be a mom and have a family with children. Don't do it. No one will be happy. Spoil your family and friend's children and live your life the way it seems to make sense to you.

Hi,
I just turned 40 and have a 16 mo daughter. I got married at 36 and never wanted to even get married. It's a life changing decision that at 40 should only be made if your sure of your relationship. It's a love like no other and so scary, but millions of women do it and I always say that there's never a good time for jury duty or finding out your pregnant. Go for it..

Personally, I am of the belief that when you are in a marriage you need to facilitated each others dreams. Those dreams can change over time and may require sacrifice from the other partner. If you say you love your partner you need to be considerate and unselfish about what they need. A lot of women have a great need to be mothers but so do men need to be fathers. Sorry to be preachy here. I think it's great that you are taking your husband’s desires seriously. Your husband will appreciate it too even if you ultimately decide not to do it.

As someone else said you’d have to be crazy not to be at least a little scared to have a child. (come on, when is anybody 100% sure about anything) But, I also thought the same about getting married. You are going into the unknown, it’s a risk and it's going to be difficult. I was very scared of having a child even though I had been trying for years. (Yeah, kind of crazy) So much so I thought my fear might be affecting my fertility at the time. I had fibroids too and other issues. Fears of not being able to be a good mom, gentic problems, you name it... I did some therapy and some stress reducing techniques. I took the plunge and was 41 when I had my daughter. It does change your whole life no doubt about it. You do have to shift your focus off yourself. But, after how many years of being self centered (I don't mean this in a negative way, I had that life for may years and loved it) might that not be a good change.

I was never very maternal, never played with baby dolls as a kid and never really liked other peoples kids all that much. But, there is something about having your own child, becoming a parent, a mom. It’s a transforming experience, has made me a better person and enhanced my marriage. My daughter is a burden, yes, but also a joy beyond words. Good Luck

And as a last thought, society needs women to be mothers because without a next generation we're in big trouble.

Hi,
Well, I waited a while to have kids after getting married. I thought the whole pregnancy/birthing process was GROSS! But I found that really educating myself about my body (taking Bradley method classes) really EMPOWERED me, and I felt more in control of my body. I never felt 100% ready to have kids and it was scary to take that leap. Now that I have a 3 yo and 7 month old, I enjoy them very much, even though I miss my sleep and have days that I wished I had alone time (all parents do!). That's the trade off...

If you have kids - you're the parent and you do not relinquish control. :)

On the other hand, my college roommate absolutely did not want kids and she still doesn't. That's ok - you still have a fulfulling life doing other stuff and you contribute to society in different ways. :)

I honestly think your perspective will change once you give birth. If for some reason during pregnancy you absolutely cannot care for the child, you can discuss adoption perhaps?

Hang in there...

Hi D.,

I understand to some extent how you feel. Whilst I was growing up and even the first years of my marriage I was never ever a maternal person. Cousins, friends have had babies and I wasn't interested in them at all.

When I meet my now husband he said from the start that he wanted children, I was always addament that I would never have any, and he was OK with that. Last year we where given a litle bit of a surprise when I found out I was pregnant. All through out the pregnancy I felt like my life as I new it had ended, I had a huge fear that I wouldn't bond with the baby and that I would be useless at everything. I used to keep myslef awake at night thinking about it.

When Mia came along, it was difficult at first but as the natural feeling started to flow I became more and more comfortable with her, handling her understanding her needs etc. I have now done done somthing that I thought I would never do and that was to quit my job and become a full time mom. I will not lie, there are times when I still find it difficult and look at other moms and think why can't i be like that with my baby, but then i think maybe I am but in a different way.

One thing I can say - I had the chance to go back and change anything.... I wouldn't change it for the world.

It took me two days to find time to sit at my computer and write to you because I have newborn twins and a 2 1/2 year old daughter. It is crazy at times, but it scares me to think that I could have let fear stop me from having children. I did experience a great deal of fear. I got married at 23 but didn't have my first child until I was 31. I always thought I wanted to be 28 or older, but it kept getting pushed back and when I actually went off the birth control and started trying it was a huge leap of faith. I was scared about not being able to do things for myself ever again and being responsible for another person 24/7. I focused on the hard work and on the burden of parenthood. I also had morbid fears like, "What if I end up being the most terrible mother and/or my kids grow up to be terrible people." My worst fear was about the emotional roller coaster of parenting. I had seen enough to know that I could end up experiencing more intense emotions (of both joy and pain) if I chose to have kids and I could live my life on a more emotional "even keel" if I chose not to have kids. What I finally did was lay the whole situation in God's hands. I remember praying that if I wasn't cut out to handle the physical or emotional hard work of being a mother that I would not be able to conceive. Well, it turned out (both times) that it was very easy for me to conceive and the second time I got twins - without a family history or fertility drugs. What have I learned? Well, with all the years that I spent viewing parenthood as a burden, I was not expecting the joy so in a way I was really surprised by it. Being a mother was ultimately so much better than I thought it would be. I am amazed by how much I love my kids. Though at times I used to think while driving home from work, "If it wasn't for the fact that I have to pick up my daughter now, I would...fill in the blank (take a nap, go shopping...)...there really wasn't anything else that I wanted to do more than see my daughter. I haven't yet figured out how to be a mom of three children under three yet, but I wouldn't go back to my old childless life for anything.

I share my experience with one caveat - I always knew in my heart that I didn't want to miss out on having children and I was just scared. I think people who really know that they don't want/wouldn't miss having kids probably shouldn't have them, no matter who/what is pressuring them. Only you can look into your heart and discover what it truly desires.

There is nothing wrong with you. There are simply some people who can very happily live their lives without children. You shouldn't feel badly about that. I just had my first child and let me say it is HARD. Very hard. And I wanted my daughter more than anything in the world. The main reason I'm writing you though is because I had fibroid surgery last year in order to get pregnant (I lost my first pregnancy at 21 weeks b/c of fibroids). And pregnancy after fibroid surgery is risky. I went into labor 6 weeks early and my daughter was in the NICU for 3 weeks after being born. Hooked up to IVs, wires and the worst part a respirator. If you don't know that you want children you should really consider very carefully before you get pregnant. The chances of your not being able to carry to fullterm after your surgery is higher and caring for a preemie is very difficult. And they can have long term problems depending on how early they are born. Good luck finding your path and whatever you choose don't let anyone make you feel badly about. This is your life and you deserve to be happy. Children can add to that happiness infinitely but only if you are willing to give over your life to enjoying them.

the real question you should ask yourself is, "will i be o.k. with the fact that i won't have any children"(should you decide not to)...not that you don't want to get pregnant b/c you are scared...(b/c we all were when we thought we should have children and then when we became pregnant, and before birth, and everyday since)!!...will you feel satisfied with your life w/o your own kids. nothing wrong with not having children, stop listening to others! you need to soul search & come up with a definate answer that you are confident with...for your life. :)

D., your concerns are very valid-having a child is hard; yet, rewarding work. If you don't want any, then don't have any. Your feelings might change and then again, they might not. So err on the side of caution and DO NOT bring a child into this picture until you are crystal clear, especially since you are concerned with birth defects (you already think that "normal" children are "disgusting"). Enjoy your life, and don't feel the pressure to conform. There are plenty of us mommies out hear happily raising our blessings from God and increasing the ever growing population of humans. Be Well!

I can't answer your question directly but I would like to say that I had a perfectly normal child when I was 43. There's all kinds of genetic testing available now so that you would more than likely know ahead of time, and early enough, if there was a problem. You could choose to terminate the pregnancy if you believe in choice. I don't suggest that lightly - I don't know if I could have if it happened to me. Having kids is scary for us elder moms, since we have been child-free for more years than most. I *wanted* to be pregnant so I was thrilled when it happened, but it is not easy, even with one. Still little kids are really delightful when you begin to see the world through their eyes. As they get older, the problems are different, and age appropriate. If you truly do not want a child, then I agree that it might be selfish to do otherwise. Good luck in whatever you do.

Raising children is not for everyone. I am a mother of four, and it's hard work. I'm a SAHM, so I consider myself lucky. I don't know how the working moms juggle it all. It's a 24/7 job, you don't get vacations or even sick days. You have to be commited no matter what. It also really matters what your husband thinks. He's opinion counts, because if he's not on board with the idea of having kids, it could drive you two apart. As far as being scared, that's normal at any age. When you get pregnant, ugly thoughts run through everyone's head. That's why there are tests during pregnany. You deal with cards you're dealt. If you fear your freedom being lost, then maybe you should just spend time with your friends' babies and your neices and nephews to get your baby fix. You are not a bad person for not wanting children. Actually, there are plenty of women who have kids and wish they didn't, or treat them like garbage. I applaud you for recognizing your feelings on this subject and for having the guts to admit it.

I got pregnant with my son when I turned 40 after not trying to have children for our 14 year marriage. It changes your life totally...I was not ready for the 24 hour commitment and suffered from post-partum which made the first 6 months after birth hell. I was much better at the toddler stage than the infant stage. If you are doubting getting pregnant or changing your life style - don't do it to please anyone. My son turns 6 next week and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. You have to be selfless and all selfishness has to dissappear for the right balance in your life. His father couldn't make the switch and as a result we divorced when he was 3. Better for me and my son as his father is limited in what he will give up to be a "father"...his time is his own and no one else. The amount of work raising a child is endless but so worth it. If you have doubts don't do it..I now see why you should have your children younger...they are active and busy and life is all about them forever - but especially the first years. You may want to have someone stay over your house a few nights with an infant...if you know someone...to get the feel of it over a few days..good luck. I know you will make the right decision for you and don't be pressured by someone else.

I am sorry you feel such pressure. It is a life change but you don't have to let children take over your life a lot of people make the children fit into their lifestyle not the other way around. If you travel there is no reason you still can't if going out is your thing there are nannies. Some people just don't want that for themselves. I don't think it's selfish. I think it's courageous and smart to know and acknowledge your desires. My god parents never wanted children of their own but have always been huge role models in my life and I have always said they would have made great parents. They have been there for me through the best times in my life and the absolute worst. I have lost both of my parents and given birth to 3 girls and due in June for our 1st boy and last child. They have been rocks through it all!! But also you don't have to have a child either. You have to search your heart and soul only you know what is best and if people can't understand that then they are the ones with issues. Keep us posted and good luck it is a huge decision.

Dear D.,

I am in agreement with you that you are not selfish for not wanting to have children. I am proud of you for being able to stick to your guns and not have a child if you don't feel emotionally able to love and cherish it without resenting losing your freedom. I personally have a hard time with people who have such an attachment to their careers that they can't wait to run away from their babies and go back to work. I understand needing to go back to work and enjoying the balance of motherhood and career, but having a child just to have one and check it off the "to do" list is a horrible thing to do to a child. A lot of women are able to work and have a career AND be nurturing and loving to a child for whom they found an amazing nanny while they can't be around. So you don't have to worry about having to give up a career.
It is as you have said a big responsibility to have a child and it is 24/7 even if you aren't there 24/7.
I didn't really want to have a child until I was in my mid to late twenties, and I think I felt a little phobic about the responsibility, too. But when I was ready, I was ready. You are right to skip it if you can't get past the phobic feeling. HOWEVER. DO you truly understand why you feel so phobic about it? Sorry, I think that sounds judgemental--it's a kind of gut reaction to the loss of freedom--trapped by a baby. I do think that it is important for you to talk with a therapist about the trapped feelings and understand where they are coming from. I have worked with a lot of women who were trying desperately to get pregnant but weren't. A reasonable number of them found that after 15 - 20 hours of physical therapy geared toward helping them get pregnant, that they actually didn't really want to have a baby! What a relief!!! No more guilt--it's OK!!
On the other hand, I don't want you to wake up in a couple more years and say, "Wow, I blew it!"
As far as the old eggs garbage goes, I had my son at 45 and they only thing wrong with him is that he is surgically attached to his Nintendo DS.
So you gotta figure out why you don't want "the burden" and if the reasons feel OK, THEY ARE! TAlk about the warm/fuzzy feelings you had about your cuzniece and about the "ohmygd I don't want to be here" feelings and look at them without judgement. The answer is within.
Peace be with you.

D., years ago before meeting my husband, I wanted to have a career and have a family, but I wanted to put my kids in daycare and still have my career. I prayed that I wanted to do what He (God) wanted me to do what was my purpose in life and told Him how I felt about having a career and so forth. God changed me a great deal. Today I am married and I have three beautiful children and now I have seen what my purposes in life are. I am not going to say it's easy to be a mom, especially a stay at home mom (which I am), but if you have a husband who can help you out by coming home and watch the baby who then will turn into a toddler, while you work out, go rest for a couple of hours or whatever it may be that will help you regain your strength and relieve that stress. Also, having a child and look into the child's eyes and beautiful face, he/she will take your breath away and it can be scary bringing home a little, defenseless human being home, but you'll learn day by day as every parent do and you'll learn the baby's personalities and it'll learn who you are. It's beyond words. I will do it all over again. Also, remember, don't try to be a SuperMom or try to do it all yourself or compare yourself to your mother or other mothers saying why can't I do that and she can. There must be something wrong with me because there isn't. Everyone is different and there'll be things you can do that other mothers may not be able to do. Remember, feeling depressed and tired and so forth after having a baby is normal, but don't react to the baby. Check with your OB and talk about getting some help. In my area, they have Healthy Kids Program where the worker comes to your home and there are programs too, they have a nurse who come to your home weekly for a while checking the baby's weight and height and answer your questions and encourage to do what is best for you and the baby. Ther are alot of help in my area and check out your area. Talk with the OB doctor and see what he/she say about programs they may know about out there. I learned about Healthy Kids Program by filling out the last page of the packet about being pregnant at for the OB office. It's a great help to know what programs are out there and including WIC (Women, Infant, and Children Program) and Food Stamps, etc. I will pray that God will reveal to you if you are called to be a mom. Not everyone is called to be married, or be a parent. Everyone is different and unique and also remember don't allow yourself be pressured thinking that your child need to do whatever "they" say your child should be doing by certain age, some are fast or some may be slower to pick up things but make sure that the pediatrician are listening to you since you are with your child all the time. I will be praying for you and your family. If you have any questions, ask me through this program, and if you want to be private, that is fine and will get back to you ASAP.

Hi D.,
It really sounds like you are undecided on the baby matter and to me that would be a big NO on having one. If you are happy with your life the way it is then so be it. I'm sure a relative or friend will let you borrow their children for the day if you feel the need to be around the little people. The parents would be more than happy to let you have them even for a week or all summer I'm sure. Don't have a child if you are not 100% sure you want it. There are already to many unwanted kids out there. God Bless, J.

There's no way to get over the fear BEFORE you conceive. But I can tell you, as a former motherhood-avoider, that I have adapted perfectly and really, my life is so much richer than before. Heck, I was still terrified WHILE we were trying to conceive! I could have probably put it off forever, because I'm the kind of person who agonizes over every detail, every potential pitfall or outcome, until I'm paralyzed. But I also never saw myself as a "no kids, ever" person either, and was over 30, and my husband really wanted to have a kid before we were 35. So I took a deep breath and jumped. Even when I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't overjoyed right away - I was apprehensive. All I could think about was how different life was going to be now. I seemed so disturbed when I found out, that my husband actually told me it was OK with him if we terminated the pregnancy....and then, somehow, I knew immediately that I would not do that, and I wanted this baby. During the first trimester I was a little detached, knowing that if something was going to go wrong it would probably be during that time. But as time passed and my belly grew, and I began to feel movement....I was really amazed, intrigued, and happy.

I had a rough, unpleasant experience at the hospital that ended in a c-section....but once I saw my sweet little son, I just can't describe to you the feeling other than to say, "THIS is what I was putting off? I was trying to AVOID this?" So much love has been added to every day of my life. And, despite my pre-pregnancy fears about "my life being over" as soon as I had a baby, I still take time and work to pursue my dreams. Perhaps not as hard or putting in as many hours as I used to, but I'm still me.

Anyway....it's not so scary on the other side. I promise. I even used to be a little scared of tiny babies - didn't know what to do with them! - but now, I swear, I want another at some point.

Good luck, whatever you decide. Some people truly are not meant to have kids and that's OK too!

D. - Good for you for not getting pregnant so far! Absolutely, do not have a baby unless you are 100 percent sure it's what you want to do. It's not 18 years, it's a lifelong committment. Your husband loved you when you didn't want kids and I'm sure he will still love you now. Babies deserve to be wanted by both of their parents. No one should be talked into having a baby. Rather than trying to get over your feelings, maybe you should be trying to accept them.
Good luck to you.

It's hard for anyone to give advice to someone that they do not know personally. But this I know for sure-it would be an incredibly selfish decision to bring a child into this world if you are not 100 percent sure that is what you want. Once you have a child, your life is about THEM. Being a mother is the most selfless thing a woman can do.
This is 2008. We have choices. Don't just "follow your heart" as some people would say, but make an informed decision weighing all the pros and cons. This is a human life we're talking about. And don't let anyone,including your husband,pressure you into making a decision that you're not comfortable with. Motherhood is not for everybody.

Good luck on your journey.

D.,

Please don't let your husband force you into having a child. I once had an assignment in college to do a speech on a controversial issue but you had to do it from the opposite of what you believe - quite difficult. I did mine on abortion and one of the quotes I read will forever stick in my head. It was from a bishop who said there was no greater sin than to bring a child into the world knowing he/she was unwanted.

You aren't going to "get over" just because the baby gets here. Post partum depression can make it hard to bond or care for a baby right in the beginning as it is. Add the fact that you don't even want a child to those hormones and I worry what could become of that child. I'm not saying you would do anything to intentially hurt him/her but even just not taking care of his/her needs as a newborn/infant would be bad enough in itself. Trust me...my youngest is 9 months old and while he doesn't need me as much as he did even 5 months ago...he is still needy and my life still revolves around him. I'm not complaining. I understand that's what it means to be a mom and I love my boys and my life does revolve around them but I always knew I wanted to be a mom too. You are starting out with the opposite feelings.

Does your husband know you feel this way? If he continues to push I would remind him that you did not mislead him in any way. He knew you did not want to be a mom and that basically he has a choice...he can either accept you as you are or find someone who DOES want to have a baby. If he keeps pushing, you two are going to fall apart and if you have a baby just to get him to leave you alone, you are going to end up resenting him AND the baby. It just isn't fair to the baby.

I hope you follow your heart.

L.

Please do not have kids if you are not ready. The worst thing is to bring kids in the world that you do not want. At 40 do not give in to peer pressures.

I have a 5 month old and I am in my late twenties. no one can ever prepare you for how it is to raise a child. i have taken care of other people chlidren my whole life, but you dont know how it is until it is yours. i wouldnt give up my little girl for the world, but it is hard. one of the hardest things has been the emotional part. DO NOT have a child just because it is what you are "supposed to do" as a married woman. there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having children if thats what you want, and you are happy. Also, if you do decide you want a child but are fearful b/c of your age and health reasons, maybe consider adoption. you are the only one who knows what is right for you, go with that. Best of luck.

Your initial instinct is usually correct. Trust yourself. I will be 30 next year and I had a son when I was almost 22. I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant within three months with my son. I'm not saying that I only kept my son because I couldn't bare losing another child (it was a part of the reason), but I had him even though I knew that I was a selfish person. Someone probably not meant to have kids because I was too into myself and having a child would mean boundaries and limits on me. Seven years later, I realize that I probably won't have any more kids, because at times, I feel likes it's a burden. I can't explain to you the fulfillment you get as a mother. I can't explain to you the fear of being responsible for someone and being upset because there are things you can't do anymore. Look, I don't and am not trying to confuse you, but I want you to see it from both sides. I am less selfish now, especially when my son comes to me and takes the last piece of food off of my plate. Life is a little harder. You have to stop and make that choice for yourself. Life is about sacrifices. I'm sure you want to please your husband and that's a part of your job as a wife. But in the end, you look at yourself in the mirror. You live with your choices. Like I said, your first response, your first gut feeling is usually what your heart is really feeling and there's nothing that your mind can convince you of otherwise. If it does, it will eventually come back around to kick you in the ass!!! Hope I helped.
J

If the idea of being pregnant disgusts you and you see children as a burden rather than a joy, then you should not have a child. Period. But that doesn't mean you can't be a GREAT auntie to your cousin's baby! Or any other little ones in your life.

It seems like you have some fears, but it also sounds like you have longstanding issues about caring for a dependent child, and not being able to deal with that. I can tell you that I always wanted a child, and there are times when having him dependent on me is draining and frustrating, but worth it in the grander scheme of things. If you can't deal with those thoughts in the theoretical sense, than it would seem selfish to me to go ahead and have a baby based on a vague sense of wanting a child that passed instead of intensifying over time, and hoping that your feelings will change.

Hope I don't sound too harsh, because that is not my intent. I have very good friends who choose not to have children for reasons similar to yours, and I applaud them for knowing themselves well enough to know that they would not be great parents. But they are GREAT with our son, because he is not their responsibility and they can have fun with him and spoil him, and choose to be around him when it works for them.

Good luck!

I never wanted kids but changed my mind and now have 2 beautiful little ones. However wonderful being a mother can be you also totally lose your freedom. Kids are a HUGE job. Bigger than you could ever imagine. No more sleeping late. You're on call 24/7. I don't think ther is anything wrong with not having kids or not wanting them. If you are not totally sure, beyond a doubt, that you want to be a mother, then you should not have a baby. It's not fair to the baby. You could have e complete change of heart and be the most wonderful mother there is, but maybe not. Also at 40, after your whole life being just about you, a baby is a rude awakening. And not to mention exhausting. And sometimes boring and frustrating and more challenge than you think you cam handle. And no sick days. I'm giving you all the negatives because evryone else will tell you how great it is, and it can be great. But only do it if you are 100% sure. Good luck and don't feel guilty about not being mother material. a lot of good people are not.

I am a dad to 3 girls, 15, 5, & 2. My wife was nearly 40 when our last girl was born (by C-section due to previous C-sections). All went well. There are so many women having children in their forties & even fifties without problems. Your doctor would determine if you have any risk. However, in your case, I think you should choose not to have a baby that you might regret later.
A better option would be to "rent a kid". I have a brother & sister-in-law that are now in their 30's & chose not to have any children of their own. Instead, they spend a lot of time "borrowing" nieces & nephews for outings to shop or play, or go out for dinner. They have even taken trips to Disney World & other child friendly trips. This has worked well for them. They get the experience of caring for children, & get to return them to their parents afterwards.
Another option you can consider is adoption. There are so many children of all ages in foster care today. It would be a great relief to some lucky child to be chosen to live with you. And you get to choose boy or girl, & age, reducing the risk of any resentment later on.
Good luck on your decision.

Oh you poor woman. There is nothing than when a woman torments herself mentally. I feel for you I really do. All of your feelings are right...when you have a child you give it all up for them. It is a HUGE responsibility. If you have these feelings so strongly don't do it. It is one thing to be afraid of taking care of a baby....it is a lot of work and not to mention patience! And like you said you can't give it back. You dont want to go through it to resent a poor baby!! No baby asks to be born! And if you feel being pregnant is disgusting that is horrible thought to have and to go through with it.

NOW just b/c you are a woman does not mean you have to want ot have children. You can be as much of a woman as the next with no kids. There is NO shame in that. You have the right to say NO thank you if it is best for everyone.

Good luck!

from the content of your posting it appears that holding a newborn got to you but... that is hardly all that is needed to properly parent and all your fears are magnified truths giving birth is difficult and rather icky at moments-- so is sex at times however... plus your freedom will be heavily curtailed, and you will be responsible for another being for 18+ years
perhaps you should listen to the wisdonm of your earlier self
if you never wanted children one gushy moment with a newborn hardly qualifies as reason enough to bring a child into the world
parenting is a hard job even if the child is wanted desparetly
so take a chill pill and let go of your midlife mommy moment
be a good aunty and enjoy your childless status
really

Hi D.,

I have two beautiful children that I will give up my own life for. You have made your choice. Do not let the pressure get to you. Don't have children if you strongly feel this way. I am happy to hear that you know that a child is something you really don't want, some people find out when its to late and the poor child has to live without the comfort and love of a parent.

D.,

I suggest you put the brakes on. I was talked into having kids with my now ex-husband. I never had a major need or want to have kids. I always had a fear that something would go wrong. Sure enough, we lost our first son due to complications. I wanted to hold off on trying again. I went through fertility treatments & had wanted to take a few months to think it over to make sure I was really ready. I was petrified of getting pregnant again. I also wasn't sure I wanted to give up my freedom to just go on vacation let alone run to the store. My twins are 17 months now, my husband (the one that wanted kids) left a few months ago. Do I resent giving into him & having kids? Hell yeah! He sees them, but not enough. So, I don't have nearly enough freedom. I'm sure there are many women out there that think people that don't want kids are stupid, selfish, etc. It is selfish to bring kids into the world when you aren't 100% ready. Yes, I was stupid & selfish to give into my ex. It's your life & your body. If you don't want kids, then you shouldn't. Don't let anyone, even your husband talk you into it. Also, don't get me wrong....I love my babies very much. I just miss my freedom.

I wish you all the best!
A.

D.,
I admire you for your frankness. In our world its almost blasphemous to admit those feelings Unfortunately no one can answer your question. It must come from yourself, deep inside. But I can say this do NOT have a child to please anyone else. I have friends who miss there children when they are at school and others who can not wait until they go off to college. I can also say being the mom of 3 boys, every day is a challenge. Some days I look at them and can't imagine my life without them, other days....well just say the thought "what the heck was I thinking" pops into my mind. My sons are now 24, 21, and 21 (twins) and I still feel the same way. I know this probably confused you even more but one last thing it's amazing how much love you have hidden behind fears. Good luck

I became a mother at the age of 19 and have been raising my now 4, almost 5 year old on my own ever since. I was not ready to "settle down". I was young and wanted to live my life. So I can understand your not wanting to lose the freedom. But as I was reading through the responses what I haven't yet heard was about the freedom being a mom actually is. I have been more free in the last few years then I ever have before. The freedom that comes with the strength you get as you take care of another is the best there is. To know the kind of unconditional love that comes from a mother and child, there is freedom in that. Believe me, I was scared. I had my whole life ahead of me and thought it was over because I was having a child. And not one that was expected or planned. It was one of those things where it should never have happened based on logic but it did and I am greatful for it. Basically I am saying that I definitely understand your concerns and fears about children but I want you to know that there are a lot of positives. Freedom can be found in a lot of different ways. And being a mother brings new freedom you never thought possible. And in regards to you feel your social freedoms are over, well, they are not either. As a 19 year old all I wanted to do is visit with friends. When they are babies, you bring them with you. True friends would never be annoyed at this, and some will even help you. And when they are older it still doesn't stop. Some things you can bring them and others, well that's why they create babysitters. Whatever you decide for you will be the right thing. Just know that it is not as scary as you may think, from a young mother who knows!

I am not a women that had a fear of getting pregnant and did have 3 children but you have to really think is it the fear or the work after the baby is born. There are alot of people that have their careers and never become a mom and would make great mom but it just wasn"t for them.I will say that I think every mother was nervoous or scared about the birth of their child and you always hope your child will be fine.As far as work it sure is and like you said will be until the are on their own and even then you still don"t stop worrying about them. You have to know if you want to take the time and love to a child. Don't have a child because your husband wants you too because you might resent the child later on.I think to be a mother is a great feeling and you do get rewards as they grow up but it is not for everyone and don't think you are selfish. as far as being 40 and pregnent does create a risk but their are women that are older and do have healthy babies. I wish you the best. A. R

hi! i am 37 and have a beautiful 6 month old girl. i will not promote either having or not having children. i think its very responsible to really look at things and be self aware. i would definitely discuss your concerns w your ob-gyn. however, i can say that i was deathly afraid of having a baby. i never even held any of my friend's babys until they could hold their own head up. my baby was the very first baby i held as a newborn. i always heard that when its your baby - you'll know what to do and about maternal instincts. all of which i never believed. although i am sure that it really isn't for everyone - it really did kick in for me. but my fears are different then your fears. but, to answer your question - i did get over mine. and it happened a little at a time after birh. i think you are absolutely right to not listen to society. it will be you that takes care of the baby and not society. i just wanted to say that i think that you are very brave for writing. i really think that you should bring up all your concerns to your ob-gyn and bring back facts for your husband and you to discuss. Your dr can show you risk factors for your age, etc. best of luck to you with your decision!

Hi D.,
First let me tell you that you are absolutely NOT selfish for not wanting a child. Actually I think you are pretty selfless, for not giving into the pressures of society to have children when you are not sure you are mentally prepared for it. That being said, it is kind of like getting married. No one said this is the one 100% sure of it. You do it because deep down you feel that person is the best for you. Well having a child is amazing, but ONLY if you are ready. It is such a shock to the system. The first few months are incrediblly hard! After about 6 months though they tend to get easier, and really do become the light of your life. But again, only if you are willing to open your heart to them. As for birthing, I was TERRIFIED of it. Lamazze class helped a lot. Maybe you could sit in one (even though you are not pregnant), and get a feel for what it might be like. I personally didn't love being prengant, but didn't mind it either. I just was annoyed that I couldn't do everything that I had before. And they do so many tests that the likely hood of you having a child with a disability and not knowing it ahead of time is not as high as it used to be. I am not sure I was much help, but please don't have a child unless you are 100% committed to that child. That would be the greatest diservice you could ever do. Good Luck with your decision, it can't be easy for you.

I used to be afraid of the pain of having a child and let me tell you, if the epidurial wears off youre in trouble but as soon as your child is in your arms the pain is gone.
I do have an idea though, maybe you can borrow a baby from a family member or close friend for a night or two so you can get a taste of reality ya know? test the waters without the commitment.
and dont worry about the pain of having a child, let your doctor handle it. also carrying a child is not so terrible, its amazing!

Hi D.,
I am 32 and recently had a little boy. My husband is 42. Four years ago we were married and we talked about having kids. He was ready. He was at that point in his life. I wasn't. I heard you know when you're ready but I had no idea. I wanted to live my life a little. We traveled a lot and had a beagle. That was good enough for me. The topic would come up every now and then to the point where my husband said he was fine either way. I felt the same way. And then I got pregnant. And I love my son. But there is no way I would ever think any woman is selfish for not wanting kids. Where is it written that a woman must reproduce? You have to do what is good for you. I am now on this strange journey that is fun and scary and exciting and anxiety ridden. I think about how fast my baby has grown already and sometimes it makes me want another baby. And other times, when I am not sleeping because he loses his pacifier, I think Gabriel is enough. It is a lot of work and I would never fault a woman for saying it just isn't for her. I had the same fears about my freedom being taken away. And it has. But I was given Gabriel and there will be other moments of freedom. But stay true to what you want, not what others expect of you. You only get one life so shouldn't you be the one who decides how you will live it?
I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide.
Tahara

I never felt like I had to have children - if I did I did - and I wouldn't say I had a fear. If I could go back and do it all again - I probably would have had them sooner - I just love it. In saying that - I do have a friend who does not have children and does not wish to have any. I don't look down on her - I admire her. In no way have I ever thought of her as selfish - if she had children and did whatever she wanted regardless of them - that would be selfish. We are all selfish in our own way but if you have any doubts about having children - you should definately not have any. Your life becomes theirs. You live for them and through them. Your friends are the mothers of their friends. It is just the way it is. Like I said - I LOVE it - but not everyone does and nobody - I mean NOBODY should judge you for what you want in your life. Good luck to you whatever your choose I wish you the best. And remember to hold your head high and be proud of you decision - whatever it may be!

I would say get professional help on this or just don't have a child. I know that children know when they are not wanted.

Hi D.,

I am currently pregnant and very hormonal so your e-mail made me cry. i do not think you are being selfish at all. i think you are being very smart in thinking all of this through very carefully. a child is a fulltime. 24/7 job. you are absolutely correct in all that you're saying in your letter. if you have any doubts, and you seem to have plenty of them, you should not have children. you cannot let other people pressure you into having a baby unless they are going to take care of him/her when he/she is born! no one has the right to tell you what you should do with your life. you said your husband was well aware of your feelings before he married you, so you didn't lie to him like some women do. if he has changed his mind and wants a baby then that is his issue. the older you are the more likely you are to have multiple babies or babies with birth defects, etc. you are aware of this. and unless you are absolultely crazy about having one, that you will take whatever GOD gives you, then you should not have one. I think your letter is very clear about how you feel. you don't want any children. it doesn't mean you don't like children, it's just that you don't want your own and that is perfectly fine. i give you a lot of credit for know your true feelings and being so honest about them. this does not make you a bad person, so don't think it does.
good luck with everything.

I never had those feelings but know several people who have and a few have told me they regretted never having a child. Once the baby is in your arms - it is not as scary as it seemed before they arrived. I used to revel in my freedom but I don't feel that has been taken away. My husband and I own our own business and still take 2 business/pleasure trips a year without the kids - they stay with Grandma. Anywhere else we go - I enjoy the kids being with me.

The only advice I can offer is for you and your husband to continue to talk about your fears - maybe even with a counselor - just talking about them may make them seem less daunting - There really is a great joy in being a parent, knowing that you are responisble for bringing such a precious thing into this world is truly incredible. I hope that you may feel the same joy if you choose to have a child - if not - You are not alone - there are plenty of people out there who felt having kids was not for thema nd still think it was the right choice.

Good Luck in sorting out your feelings - I know it is not an easy road - I wish you all the best.

Hi D.,
I am only 31 and I have 2 beautiful, energetic, fun, loud, curious children ages 2 and 1/2 and 3 months, who I stay home with. I have never been in your shoes, so maybe I shouldn't be responding, but just felt the need to write back. As a young person, I always knew I wanted kids, and that I wanted a loving husband and a career before doing so. My point is, that parenting, as wonderful and rewarding as it is, is a 24 hour a day job, and there is not turning back. If you are having these negative feelings, don't bring a child into the world. That isn't to say your feelings won't change when you conceive/have your own child, but if the mere thought of being pregnant (an amazing experience) disgusts you, it doesn't sound like a child is something you are ready to dedicate your life to. I worked with Special Needs children before having my onw kids. They were wonderful children, but required a lot of dedication from their teachers, therapists and especially their parents. When you commit to having a child, they are your responsibility whatever their needs are. That being said, I wish you the best making your decision. The fact that you are so concerned about this step and aren't jumping into it shows your maturity and concern.

D.,

I think one of the greatest travesties in the world are people who don't love or want their children. There are too many people like that, and the children are the ones who suffer. I could talk on this subject for days...I say this with the utmost respect for people who feel this way--or at least similar--b/c i was one of them. I was scared i'd lose my freedom. I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mother. I was terrified I'd hate or resent my children. I was angry that i was feeling pressured. I was annoyed that society said i "should". I felt it all. But i love my husband very much and i always have. After 10 years of marriage i "gave in". And i was scared to death. But my husband reminded me (constantly) of who i am: That i'm an unselfish person at my core, that I'm giving and generous and kind. That i love my dog with all of my being and hwile that's not a child, it's a responsibility i have to someone other than myself. He made me see the person i really am. And to this day...i now i have 2 beautiful kids...i'm amazed at how much i love my kids. I'm amazed that i'm doing it--better than most people i know. Better than my mother did, better than my husband i sometimes think. I know this because there's no place i'd rather be than with my kids and no one i'd rather see or make smile.

The decision to have a child is not an easy one. But no one knows yourself like you do. You have to search your capacity for love. If you have it, chances are you'll be ok. If you don't--and there's nothing wrong with it--you shouldn't do it to yourself, your child or your husband. The two of you would be better off apart, living the lives you truely want. This happens all the time...couples marry with an understanding of what the other wants but then one changes thier mind and...they have to go their separate ways. That's the only fair way to deal with such a major, lifechanging, lifelong commitment.

There is no easy answer for you. You may want to talk to a counsellor, to help you sort out your fears and your true feelings. I suggest you do some serious soul-searching,and decide what's most important to you. I wish you luck. And don't listen to what anyone says except your own soul.

Well D.,
Having kids and be responsible for them is very scarey, I think anyone who enters motherhood and isn't scared/nervous or wondering if they are getting in way over their heads is either lying or stupid. That being said I think there are some things you should know. There are all sorts of tests when you are pregnant and because of your age(over35) you will take even more...so the odds of you giving birth to a child that has special needs and you not knowing about it ahead of time are very slim...you can find out things early enough to terminate if you feel you can't cope(that's a personal choice). Also even an easy pregnancey is hard you never know what you're in for but it is a temporary thing(take it from me who pukes for the first 26-30 weeks and did it 5 times)yet once you hold that baby it all goes away. There is a very real fear of being responsible for another human, and it is a lot of work, but it's the best and most rewarding thing I've ever done. I don't think everyone is meant to have children and maybe you should talk to a therapist before making a final decision. I guess my point is, you're not alone in your fear and you will lose your freedom (for awhile but being aware of that can help you not go crazy...sit down and make a plan...a day of the week where you get your nails done or go out w/o baby and w/o guilt...it's not selfish, if you're not good to yourself you're no good to anyone else.)but if you decide to have a baby I think you will find that there is no greater love and that the pro's outweigh the cons by a ton! Goodluck with your decision.

There are so many ways to live a life, and not having children is a reasonable, sensitive choice if you do not feel it is right for you. You stated your feelings both clearly and emphatically, and with such definite responses to the idea of parenting, it might be kinder for both you and the child you might have, if you simply did not pursue the idea of parenting. There are lots and lots of ways to 'give back' to life without being a mom. Maybe being involved in your cousin's baby is a way to satisfy those transient feelings of wanting a child. You were honest with your husband, and he needs to deal with his own feelings now. With the reactions you have, you are a high risk for post partum depression if you do conceive. Please consider all the options and proceed very cautiously.

Dear D.: Please don't let anyone tell you, you are selfish. Thst's not the case. Children are hard work, worth it but hard no matter what. I tell you something about myself. I didn't have my first daughter until I was almost 30 so I had my 20's to party, play and whatever. Now I can honestly say there is not much I feel like I am missing. Also, I was deathly afraid of getting pregnant and had all the same fears as you do about birth defects. All I can say my pregnancies were a breeze and both my girls are healthy and happy. It really was worth it. The biggest thing that scared me being pregnant was that I couldn't take it back no matter what. And you know, I had no trouble and chances are neithter will you. Just go easy on reading about pregnancy and birth defects, they will have you mind going a mile a minute. Good luck, I bet your'e more ready then you think.

Not everyone is meant to be a mom and that's ok. Society makes women feel that they have to do certain things and one of the main ones is become a mom. I feel that if you have strong feelings that you don't want to be a mom, you should listen to yourself. It is a rewarding job but it is also very very hard in so many ways. I always knew it was very important to be a mom, I felt I wanted it and I am glad that I am a mom, but I also know women who were not meant to be moms but felt they should want it. You shouldn't be pressured to become a mother, listen to yourself.

hi D.;

first of all i applaud you for your bravery in writing about this incredibly personal, complex struggle. congrats to you for airing this rather than just burning up inside all alone.

you are in a very clear, frightening place; basically it sounds like you're really straightforward about who you are and what you want, but that you're afriad for the future of your marraige if you stick to your integrity and desires. it's not fair to you and i'm sorry to hear that you're under this kind of pressure.

i didn't want kids till my best friend had one when i was 30 and then a whole lifetime of repression exploded and i became absolutely possessed with the hunger for pregnancy and children. but that is very different than what you described; you had a feeling of longing that many non-moms have had, but it went away. mine didn't go away, it threatened to eat me alive. the point about your passing feeling of wanting a baby is that it's OK for you to have different kinds of feelings, to wonder about and miss what has not happened in your life. that doesn't mean you have to change your self. you just have to experience and honor those feelings. and your husband should respect your dynamic personality and evolution as a person.

my x husband did not want kids and he never changed his feeling; it was one of many reasons why that relationship didnt survive. when i divorced him i immediately went in search of a new husband who definitely wanted kids and i got one; my husband is a gifted father and he really loves our children deeply, and we're in love and best friends in the bargain. i think the vitality of a marraige hinges on both partners having the same goals and sharing priorities. enduring love isn't always the most thrilling, it's the most sustaining. i would say perhaps you and your husband should go for some counseling. a good marraige counselor, as i and my x learned, is on the side of the marraige, and will help you either reorganize your priorities to help each other and grow togehter, or they will help you redirect your lives.

it is NOT selfish to not want to have kids. it is selfish to WANT kids. who in thier right minds would take on the responsibility and risks of bringing babies into this f-d up world? only someone who WANTS them, for themselves. no one wants a baby to repopulate society (except for some freaky religious wierdos i guess); we want babies because we WANT them, because they are delicious, because our biologies dictate. i think it's unusually adult and fair minded of you to NOT bring a life here that you don't want to commit to. would you marry someone you didn't want to commit to? would you make friends with someone you didn't want to commit to? would you get a pet you didn't want to commit to? of course not!

it sounds to me like you are getting enough maternal interaction with your baby niece, and that's great! why not offer to baby sit more often if you can? the mom will love you for it!

and as for your fears; i think you are frank and brave and starkly realistic. i grew up with a severely disabled sibling and frankly it sucked. i don't buy into the Hallmark card mentality of how these folks are angels here to grace our lives with special messages; they are doubtless human beings who deserve dignity and good care, but it can be hell on a family, say for example one like mine, with financial problems and preexisting emotional baggage. my mother became a pill head because she was so freaked out about my sister all the time, my father is a rageful depressive, and i, like you, was terrified of having children. the only reason for you to try to beat these fears would be if you really, REALLY, wanted a baby, and in that case, you would need to go into heavy therapy TODAY.

fortunately for me, i had my first child at 35 in perfect health with a natural delivery, and he is now nearly 3, gorgeous, brilliant, and a wild man. my daughter is 15 months and a perfect angel, also a completely natural, healthy pregnancy and delivery. i worked hard for these things and had good genes, great support, and a lot of conviction. i'm now 38 and have, honestly, the perfect life, as far as i'm concerned. my husband is amazing. we are broke, i stay home, but screw all that; my kids are the whole world. and i think the kind of attitude that I have is something like where you should be mentally if you really want to start to try to break down all these barriers of yours to have a baby.

BUT what i really think is that you are a smart and independant woman with her own life who shouldn't change for anybody. i think you're great, and brave, and honest, and sane. because the baby would be nobody's but YOURS at the end of the day, dear, it's all YOU YOU YOU. and you DO lose your identity for the baby for at least a couple of years, and that's ok, that's devotion. but it's what it is. why should you do that if you don't want to?

i would say take your husband on a great vacation as soon as you can. have some great sex, eat some great food, have a great talk. ask him to love you for who you are, right now, and be true to yourself.

lots of love,
J.

Yes! You are not alone. I too was weary of having children and my husband wanted them yesterday. I was just out with a single friend last night and telling her that still to this day if I did not have kids I wouldn't regret it because I wouldn't know any other way. I have two lovely children and they are the most amazing things in my life. Pregnancy sucks (birth is worse) but having kids is the best thing I ever did. I am glad my husband felt so strongly about it because it would not have happened with another man. I live in NYC and used to go out and travel all the time. What I have learned as an older parent is that you are who you are. If you are the type to be active, out and and social, you will revert back to that after the first year or so. My kids are still young, 3 and 1, and we travel all the time with them. I am also a big believer in getting away alone with my husband and not feeling bad about using babysitters. I have a nanny so that is a perk that helps for sure but I am definitely an example of a woman who was all career and not focused on children whatsoever. I have since left my position as a CEO of a financial company and pursued starting up my own entrepreneurial company, mainly because my kids have inspired me in ways I never dreamt possible. I don't have anything warm and fuzzy to say about pregnancy and birth but I wouldn't trade having kids now for the world.

I don't think you should feel any sort of guilt for not wanting children. It is a HUGE responsibility and if you're not 100% sure, don't do it.

Perhaps you should spend some time around little ones in your family - babysit, etc. Spending some time around them will likely help make it clearer for you which path you should take.

I commend you for the courage to blog your true feelings. You are not selfish and anyone who tells you this, should mind their own business and worry about their own shortcomings. That said, no matter what you decide, pregnancy no matter how difficult, discusting, painfull etc. it may be it will only last 9 months of your life. The bigger picture is what you have in the end. Be strong in whichever you decide. Good Luck

I think you are incredibly responsible for not just getting pregnant if you are not absolutely sure you want to be a mother. You are very brave to be honest about this situation since most people are not. I can not say that I understand (although I sympathsize) since I have always wanted to be a mother. I have two sons (2 years, 10 months old a 9 month old). They are the loves of my life and I could not imagine my life or my husband's life without them. As far as I am concerned, they make life worth living--one smile or an "I love you mommy" from them can always make my day. I should tell you that I also have a very busy full-time career and work many hours every day. While this makes me extremely busy and allows very little "me" time, I would not trade it for anything. My weekends are jam packed with activities for my children and just spending time with them. You really need to want to do this because being a mother is an all encompassing thing. That said, there are no words to possible describe the joy of seeing your own child and watching them develop. I hope this is helpful! Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

my best friend feels the same way... i dont understand it, but she knows she wont make a good mom and would resent the baby. so i think you should, like she has just not do it. if you feel this strongly about it i think talking yourself into it just to appease your husband would be a wrong.

Hi D.,
You have a world of feelins there and I think it's great that you are voicing them. I am a Mother of three children...now grown 30,27 and 24. They are and were the joys of my life but children are a lot of work and need a lot of your time, love and patience. It doesn't end being a Mom when your last one turns 18. It's a life long venture. You will always worry about your children, then they marry and you worry about their spouses and then when children come along you worry about your grandchildren..etc..etc. I, personally, feel it's a wonderful journey and I (we, my husband and I) are truly blessed. But children aren't for everyone. You have every right to make a decision not to have children. I honestly think you are doing yourself and a child no service to have a child if in your heart and mind it's not right for you. I know many people who have made the decision not to have children and they are very happy about it. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law made the decision not to have children and they are and always have been fine about it. When I first learned that they were not going to have children my thoughts were, "Wow, no children..I never thought of that and I thought it was odd of them to think that way." They are very happy and don't seem a bit unhappy about their decision. They are wonderful Aunt and Uncle to my children and their other nieces and nephews. They would have made good parents, I think, BUT and I do say but if it wasn't want they wanted then maybe not so much would it have been right for them. I do think when people get older and like you, almost 40, that they become accustomed to their life style and their freedom and your whole world along with your husbands will change. As far as people saying you are being selfish, let it be their problem and their point of view. If society makes you feel the way you do, then you have to ignore what "YOU FEEL" society is dictating and make a right and conscious decision for you and your life. People will get over your decision not to have children. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let anyone influence your decision whether to have a baby or not. It's something that you and your husband have to reach an agreement on. Just make sure whatever your decison is that it's one you won't regret in the future. You are worried about a healthy baby and with every pregnancy there is always a risk but they do say the older the Mom the more of a chance that there could be a problem. You have many fears and maybe it would be good to talk to a counselor or Dr to give you a little more insight on your feelings of having or not having children. I think you are very brave to voice and feel your feelings. I wish you much luck and happiness in whatever your decision is. I hope I may have been of some help.

Hi D., You're not selfish at all, you're right that selfish would be having a baby just because, like this is some kind of material posession. I admire your honesty about yourself and your feelings and the thought that you put into this, taking it seriously, is very commendable. There are so many mothers I talk to who say they always wanted a baby more than anything, and they still have a very hard time with it. It's like you give up everything, your life is on pause, you exist solely to take care of this other person. I hope your husband doesn't pressure you to have a baby, that is a recipe for disaster. Because on the bad days. which there are many, you will blame and resent him. If you two are not on the same page I wouldn't even think about having a baby. As you said, at 40, there are some risks involved statistically, could you imagine if there were problems with the pregnancy/baby? Don't worry about what you think other people expect of you, it's your life. I have a lot more respect for people who choose not to have children than for people who go ahead and have them when they are not truly ready and prepared for it.

D.-

If you feel this way you should not be bring a child into this world! I have never heard anyone speak of pregnancy or children this way, it is really quite disturbing from a mother’s point of view. Being pregnant and giving birth to your baby is the most amazing thing in the world! You are a very selfish person and people like that should not have children because when you become a mother you no longer think of yourself it is all about your child and what is best for your family.