Seeking Some Insight from Others

my ex husband lives 1300 miles away and won't pay either. My three year old has never lived with him but my 6 year old remembers at least going to visit him when he lived in the area. I understand :)

There are pros and cons to him signing his rights. True, you won't get any money from him but when he (or his wife/girlfriend) decides 5 years down the road that he's the best thing since sliced bread and HE should be the one raising YOUR children, he won't have a legal leg to stand on.

V.---STAY STRONG!! You are doing a lot. But you CAN handle it all. I have been there, I only had 2 but they were each from a different father. I strongly believe that a father that is more damage than good is not missed in the long term. If you believe that his involvement is detrimental to your child, then I would do NOTHING to help facilitate the visits. I wouldn't keep him from the child, but I certainly wouldn't feel obligated. Often times, those type of dads kind of go away on their own....whether some may see it as a bad or a good thing. Neither of my children's faterhers are involved and I am remarried to a man now whi IS their father and I believe that they are better people for it. The way I look at it is....I wouldn't send my kids to a babysitter that is going to hurt them in any way, be it physical or emotional, so I won't send them to a father that will do the same. I feel like it is my job to protect them. HOWEVER---if this man is at all willing to do family therapy, etc, then I would say it would be worth it to make an attempt to show him the errors of his ways, but again, I have been where you are, in school, working, struggling and trying to make it all work, and your kids need you to be 100%!!!! Good Luck

Simple. I've been down that rd. before. Its very stressfull I know. I have three children and they all have different fathers. Nothing to be ashamed of. If you get assistance through the state you live in and you get child support from him the ( father ), and you have more things to worry about what he does and says to your children, which to you seems like he's hurting the child or children putting them in harms way. Then all you need to do is go back to F.I A and tell them you need a ( Good Cause Form ) to fill out.
This form can keep the father away from the children and you can still collect your child support for your children. Try it.
R.

No, he can't just sign away his rights. Im sure a lot of men would love to be able to just pawn off their kids by giving up parental rights but it doesn't work that way. Unless you go through an adoption process and have a spouse that wishes to take a parental position, the court will not even entertain the thought of 'letting him off the hook'. His baby...his child support...period!

I do think, however, that you need to have an court order specifically detailing visitation. Make him stick to it and follow it explicitly. You are the ONLY protection these kids have from people willing to harm them. Step up and protect your kids. Unless he has a court order in hand, you do not have to let him see them, especially if he is abusive. You have a cycle going on that you do NOT want your children repeating, so be the one to make it stop.

~L.

I'd urge the guy to get help for his depression and anger issues. Mention that his life would be so much happier, and then he could really have a postive rewarding relationship with his son that his son will thank him for for the rest of his life. Even if he doesn't - maybe you will have kindly planted the seed that will some day help him pull his head out of his *ss and become a father your son can be proud to have. In the meantime, do what you must. Abusive relationships of any kind are supremely difficult. Remember to take care of yourself as well. Your kids won't reap any benefit from anything you do, unless you can be sure that a happy, secure, loving you is part of the picture. This is too often forgotten by many moms. If you don't take care of yourself well, then you have nothing to give, your giving is a shadow without your energy, love, and vitality behind it, and your children though they may benefit from it in the short term, will notice, and not thank you for being stressed and strung-out all the time. Compassionately (as much as possible) tell your X he has to get some help so he can live a better life, and in the process give his son someone to be proud of as well, do what you must for the kids, and do what is necessary for you first and foremost (within reason of course - family balance is still important) because you are the well that replenishes all others. Don't skimp on your oppertunities for joy and peace. You'll be amazed at how quickly things fall into place from there..

I would tell him, if he doesn't want to see the kids that is fine, but he is still responsible for them. My step sons mom was in the same situation with another one of her kids, and it took 2 years for that dad to come around, and he did. and now he is a very good father and has been for the last 8 year. it just took him 2 years to figure out what he wanted. He was extremely happy that he didn't sign off.

you never know maybe in a few years something will happen and he will be that good father. besides from the kids point of view, whether he signs off on the rights or ust doesn't see them, they will still think the same of him, and at least you are getting the help you need to raise them.

V.,
My best advice is to get some counciling your you and your children. The therapist will help you and the kids to heal from the damage that this man is causing. And he is causing damage if he is telling your 3yr. old things like that.
Good Luck.

Dear V., My heart goes out to you. This is a hard time in your life. If their father signs off rights, you will still get child support, he just will be signing away his rights to visitation. With his temper it probably is the best thing for the whole family. You can do nothing to make you man want to be a better father. I went through the same thing in my divorce. All you can do is be the best mom that you can be to counter act his lack of parenting. If he doesn't hug the kids, then you hug them when he leaves. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Feel free to keep in touch if you need support.

Friend of the Court (FOC) will not let him sign off his rights to the kids unless there is someone else that will adopt them. You don't want to go down that road, trust me. Be choosie about whom you hook up with next, your kids emotional state will depend on your good decisions. There is noting wrong with being an only parent. To have your ex in their lives just to have a father figure may do them more harm than good. You can still go after child support but make sure he has a stable good paying job before you do. When you receive child support then the DHS cash assistance stops. If I were you (I've been down this road, my ex abandon us eventually) I would document EVERYTHING that happens, how he treats the kids, things he says/threatens, the kids' reactions, your reactions, etc. Then take it to FOC and ask that if they do grant him visitation they require him to have supervised visitation, not alone. Also, I would consider going to get some counseling for yourself. It's a big change when you venture out on your own with several children (I have 3 special needs boys), you want to make sure you are confident in yourself and your kids will turn out fine. It's a hard road but definitely worth it in the end. You want a good role model for your kids, not someone that makes them feel bad or puts them down.

Good luck - S.

V.,
I cannot relate to your situation, so I have absolutely no advice to give you. I just want to commend you on your accomplishments with work and school. Wow! Four kids, a full time job, AND you're a full time student! Now, that's hard work! You should be proud of what you've done and what you are doing, and know that you are a very good role model for your kids. You are showing them that it's possible to succeed even when the odds are stacked against you. They are learning valuable lessons about work ethic. Congratulations for all you've done, and good luck with everything in your future.

he cannot sign his rights off unless you get remarried.
i would cut him out of my life. that doesnt mean he cant go and file to get visitation rights but thats on him. i would definately go for child support though.

www.drlaura.com

read Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives.
and Ten Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Children's Lives.

It sounds to me like it would be best if he does sign out of the kids life. No father is better than an abusive one, do you really want them to grow up like him? Get them some other male role models (big brothers assoc, or boy scouts, attend church regularly... they will also help with money if you are a member). He can sign off his rights, this will keep him from having visitation, but you will still get child support from him... just don't tell him that).

My only advice is to be extra careful about choosing the next person you want to be with. It is too h*** o* the kids to go through different men who aren't right for you and especially abusive people who do not help your problems and in fact add more to them. Think of them first there really is nothing you can do about the father's attitude you can only give your kids the extra love and compassion yourself. You can't change him and can only make the best of the situation with your own positive attitude. It is hard to grow up without a father figure but really there is nothing you can do to change it except worry about your relationship with your kids and tell them that there dad loves them he just needs time to adjust. By being a responsible parent and person you are already doing your job. Just tell yourself you deserve much better next time.

Do NOT let him sign away his rights!

You will not have any options or method of recourse. You can limit the time he spends with the children or you can request supervised visits through friend of the court. If he signs away all rights, then you shoulder the burden alone... clothes, preschool tuition, medical bills, insurance, sports and activities, savings, college, weddings, etc. etc. He would no longer be responsible for contributing to anything.
You are very young. I assume he is too. A lot can change throughout 18 years and sometimes people need to work through their own issues, but they can and they do! Perhaps your ex can change his ways with time and support (perhaps not...). Only time will tell the decisions and choices he will make. You can control you and the actions you take. Take the high road and be the best Mom and best person you can be (even when it hurts so bad, it's worth it in the end). Hopefully he will evaluate himself and his role as a Father, but regardless you both made a decision to have children together and therefore are both financially and emotionally responsible to raise them and keep them healthy and happy.
No matter what, right now is not the time for either of you to make such a big decision. You need to take some time to heal or seek some help or support from what sounds like a difficult break-up and work with friend of the court, a mediator or a counselor to come to some type of agreement or common ground.

V.,if u ever need help please let me know i know how is it trust me i have been there done that..please feel free to email me or if u have messager to chat ____@____.com or ____@____.com

V., I can relate. I was a single mother of two and my ex-husband saw them just a few times before he moved to Flordia 6 yrs ago. He has not bothered to call, write or even visit, and they are fine. My oldest daughter has even stopped talking about him.

He would call me just to start a fight, knowing full well my oldest daughter would be around. I just stop answering the phone, he was very verbally abusive. I feel my kids did not need to hear it or be around it. I felt I was better on my own and I survived very well.

You need to realize that all he is doing right now is hurting those kids. Besides the fact that he is showing him immaturity by telling a 3 yr old. So what happens the first the son sticks up for you to him. My suggestion would be to stop letting him come over, and yes it will be hard the first time, but I would rather be safe than sorry. Then once you go for support, you can tell the Friend of the Court you want surpervised visitation because of the way he is acting.

Then as for him signing off he can not sign off until you are remarried. My ex-husband went as far as to tell the court the my second daughter was not his, well needless to say he would not even take a blood test.

You sound like you have your head on your shoulders, working and going to school.

You and the kids will be okay.

Ask yourself if you want the best for your son. Then think whether having a lousy role model would be good for him or if an absent dad would be good for him.
Any control freak like you're describing who's willing to sign away his rights is not a good role model.
And you are describing a control freak. Cut ties, find a Big Brothers organization in your area and find a better role model. Or a teacher.
And if it were me, I'd move as soon as Mr. Contro freak signs away his rights. He doesn't sound stable at all and I would rather not have him know where I lived if I were you.

FYI...signing off his rights won't get him out of child support in the state of michigan.(especially since you receive assistance) The only thing that gets him out of it, is if someone else adopts your children or if you agree to him not paying support. He pays regardless, they won't let him out of it, and in fact...the less he sees your kids the MORE he pays...and vice versa...the more he sees them, the less he pays. So stand up to him and tell him to get over himself, and to be an adult and a father! He sounds like a total control freak, believe me, i'd know...my ex is like that.
You have to be a strong person for your kids, and stand up to him and tell him the way it will be. (not to mess with him, but to provide the best atmosphere for your kids) you need to get along with him, but there has to be rules regarding your treatment of eachother, and the mood that is created around the kids. If you constantly let him be that way towards you and the kids, in front of the kids...if your children are boys, they will think that is how they need treat other people when they are older, and if you have girls, they will think that they need to put up with that kind of treatment when they get older. I'm sure you don't want that. I know it's hard...but you can do it. It sounds like you have no time in your life for you, with work, school and 4 kids, but if you could get just 30 minutes a week with a counselor...like a marriage counselor, but you just go by yourself, you will grow this amazing "backbone"!!! they'll explain why he is the way he is, and why you let him act that way...once that's all in place,and you understand it, you'll become so strong!!! trust me!

in many states he can't sign off on the kids unless someone is adopting them so he may have more issues...keep record of all contact with them and what happened....and most of all make sue you let them know you are there for them....i have been a single parent for many years...huggs and gl...feel free to contact me anytime

Hi Vanetts,

This is difficult and I know that you want your kids to know their father. However, when the relationship is more detrimental than not....it is probably better to not have a relationship at all. I grew up being the peacemaker, wanting everyone to get along. As I got older, I realized that things didn't work that way and that it took an awful lot of energy. Anyone toxic like that needs to be removed because they will drain the life out of you and your children. You also want your children to see what a male role model should be. If he is willing to sign away his rights, that is a sign of his priorities. You and your kids deserve MUCH better than that.

Take care,
C.

V. - First, let him sign off, a 3 year does not need this in their life, it's just beginning. The man sounds very vindictive and manipulative. Also, A friend of mine had two girls, their father signed off on them, in the agreement, the father also did not pay child support. When signing off, you can get it so they no longer have contact and does not pay, speaking from a friend who actually went through this. Protect your kids, for they are the ones being molded right now. You also get into counseling for yourself. Stay strong and stay true to yourself.

A.

'Buying a Piano no more makes a person a pianist than having a baby makes them a parent". some people are just not cut out for this. Your children will find a makle role model in school or within your extended family. My children ( three of them boys) had a father their whole life yet chose others at times in their lives as their male role model ( thank God they were good ones).

Now that they are all grown I have found out that who ever your children hangs out with is a bigger influence on them than their parents. Do you want a negative and manipulative person influencing your child?? I would do anything to keep someoe like that out of my life and my childrens

You sound like you are a good mom and care. You must have had some sort of Father figure somewhere along the line.