Should I Be Ok for My Husband to Go Away at a Conference with His Female Boss?

My husband and I both have ex's that cheated on us. I know a million percent that my husband would NEVER cheat on me. That being said, I would still have an issue with this if it were my husband. It simply isn't appropriate. These are exact situations that start affairs. Can you go with him? Or a buddy? The point is he has a history of cheating and you took him back. So I would be VERY uncomfortable with this. JMO. Good luck.

If the boss was a guy would you say he couldn't go?

Makes no difference if it's a woman or man. It's a person. He could have an affair with a man just as easily as a woman to be honest.

If they aren't sharing a room then you are out of line. I think you do have trust issues and he previous actions did that too you.

I wonder if you can stay married to him now. He's right, you haven't gotten over it and it's been 10 years. I don't think you can overcome his cheating.

Honestly, what does she look like? Is she older than him? Whether or not I feel threatened does depend on if I think my husband would objectively find the woman attractive. And an old boyfriend used to say it's not a matter of trust. We're human and certain situations and temptations should just be avoided. Same time, if they want to have an affair, they can without going on this trip. I don't think my husband has cheated but I'd have an issue with a trip like this if I knew his boss was attractive. Temptation. Just best to avoid it. And that's how I'd phrase it to him. But if I knew no way did he find her attractive, I'd be ok with it. I don't think you should make this about what happened 10 years ago.

Your husband had an affair. Y'all went to counseling and after 10 years he has given you NO reason to doubt his faithfulness. I think 10 years is long enough to hold this against him. Either you trust or you don't.

Not every man cheats. Sorry they don't. If you think your husband will go to a 2 day conference and have sex with his boss, then your marriage did NOT survive the affair 10 years ago.

If you are this uncomfortable then I suggest you and your husband go back to counseling. I think that would help both of you.

This has nothing to do with the boss, and you know that, right?

I understand that you feel you've been burned once, and you're on edge. I'm sure it hurts that he's sweeping it under the rug and acting (at least in your view) that you're an "idiot".

I guess I'm really bothered by your suggestion that "he's a good guy BUT...." and your thought that people are human and "might do something stupid and wouldn't think." Really?? I've traveled many times with men, and my husband has traveled with women. We both have lunch with people the other one doesn't know, but knows about. But we have a strong relationship and tons of trust, and we're both mature enough to not do things without thinking. We have a relationship that's on a much higher plane. Neither one of us has ever felt suspicious or betrayed.

My husband's daughter, on the other hand, has a husband who thinks it's awful that his wife works in a company that even employs men. He thinks men and women shouldn't work together at all. They have massive problems and are both miserable - she hates his suspicion and possessiveness (he even stalks her and says horribly embarrassing things at her company's holiday parties and so forth) and he hates that she is sick of it.

Yes, he could stay home from this trip, but this will only come up again on the next occasion. And he will always resent you for holding back his business venture. Meantime, you'll feel good that he stays home but you'll feel guilty for hampering his professional goals. It's not going to work.

I'd say you both need more counseling, because whatever you covered way back when, it wasn't enough. You're jealous, and he's dismissive. That's not a strong foundation. Work on it some more.

invite yourself along, you want to know what business will be about so you can converse with your hubbs about work related stuff. so you should go too, and learn too

Hi J.,

I see you've already had a lot of input on this. I'll keep it brief. You keep using the rather tepid word "uncomfortable" in your post and SWH. But then there are several hyperbolic words salted throughout both as well. I'm not going to tell you how to feel. Your feelings are your reality. What I will say is that anytime a significant other tells their partner that they are "crazy" is a red flag for me. You say he's called you crazy and an idiot? If I was going to feel anything negative about this scenario it would be my husband insulting and denigrating me to deflect the attention from him and the issue at hand.

J., welcome to mamapedia!!

The only one who can answer this question is YOU. It's YOUR marriage.

You obviously do NOT trust him as you hold this affair over his head. Why are you still married to him if you don't trust him? Why live with that stress? WHY put him through the ringer for his decade old mistake.

What you are doing IS immature. You are holding a mistake over his head and making him pay for it for a decade. That's a long grudge to hold. When are you going to let it go? ONLY YOU CAN answer that question. You obviously DID NOT work it out. You're still holding on to it. At some point you've got to stop being the victim and let it go. If you can't? Get a divorce.

Good luck.

As someone whose husband travels for work frequently, and whose husband is friends with the women at the conferences he goes to - I agree with him. Either you trust him or you don't. Are there guarantees in life? No. But you can either choose to trust him or live in suspicious misery.

What makes me comfortable? When I meet the women that he is friends with at the conferences, they all look me in the eye. They mention positive things about me and our family that make me realize that he talks about me and the kids (he's not trying to hide our marriage or pretend it's not good). I don't see them often (maybe once a year when I can go with him), but when I do, they invite me to join them for meals. They are his friends and by extension, they are friendly with me and make me feel included. Also, my husband's behavior is telling in that he acts no differently towards me or in general when they are around.

So, I would ask the same questions about your husband's boss. Have you met her? If so, is she friendly? Does she look you in the eye? Can you go to dinner with your husband, his boss, and her husband and everyone is comfortable? Does your husband act differently around her than he does around you when she's not there? If the answers to these questions all suggest that your husband is committed to you and no one else, as your post suggests, then I believe that your husband is correct and you need to work on your own trust issues and not project them onto him.

If you "worked it out" in counseling, then you should know what to do and how to handle this.

Part of that "working it out" would have focused on how to communicate to rebuild trust. So what tools did the counselor give you to do this?

Are they getting separate rooms? Have you met her?

You both need to validate each other's feelings. Then you both need to use this opportunity to build trust in each other, not create drama.

You need to know sleeping arrangements. You need to discuss specific, concrete but reasonable things (phone contact, dinner plants, etc) that help you both reach the common goal of building trust.

This is a tense Issue for both of you, but it is forcing your hand to work on some unresolved issues. Be his partner not his victim.

You might consider going back to the counselor for a brief refresher to discuss these issues. Nothing wrong with getting some extra support when revisiting such an emotional trigger.

ETA: Sharon W. makes a very good point

She is his boss. As long as everything is kept very professional (separate rooms ect) he should be allowed to conduct business with people of both genders. He is right, either you trust him or you don't. I understand it is hard, my husband has also been unfaithful in our past, with a co-worker even, and works in a field dominated by women. If I was unable to feel comfortable with him being around them I would not be able to stay in this marriage. And the simple fact is that they work together every day, if they wanted to have an affair they would not have to travel to do it. If it makes you more comfortable see if your husband will agree to a couple of rules, like them not being alone in either room together and him agreeing not to drink alcoholic beverages.

You either trust him or you don't. He is right. It is that simple.

Past mistakes, huge ones like this always seem to be in the back of your mind. So with that, it is unfair to have him live up to a certain way if you are going to doubt him at every turn when it comes to relationships with coworkers or females in general.

If you truly have moved on and have made it work, I would get why you would have these thoughts, but they should be fleeting not perseverating. You chose to stay with him. You need to back this up with trust.

So, you either trust him or you don't. We can't make that decision for you.

Yeah, it's kind of unfair for HIM to put YOU through this.
It's HIS track record that hasn't been stellar.
It's immature of HIM to be putting himself in a situation which could lead him into temptation.
How does the woman's husband feel about this? Or is she single?
Perhaps maybe the new business should be put on hold while you and he do a refresher course of counseling.

I agree with at least one prior responder. I would be on the fence about him going considering his past--sorry, but an affair is somewhat of a life sentence of trust-building and complete transparency. But on top of that, he's not being considerate of your concerns and he's belittling you? Nope! Bud, you just bought yourself a one-way ticket to the couch! He needs to work with your insecurities, since he's the one that created them. Ten months or ten years, it's not something that goes away. I would suggest counseling, since you still need to trust him, and he needs to learn more respectful ways to communicate.

you don't trust your husband. You didn't make it through the affair. You never got over it. You are still punishing him for it.

You realize an affair can happen right at home too, right?

Tyler and I have had our fair share of problems over our 27 years of marriage. Affairs? no. But close. Deployments can do that to a marriage. You get lonely, you're stressed out being the single parent, you're stressed out being the one away from your family. No one understands. Luckily enough? Both of us stopped and communicated with each other and focused on our marriage, even from a distance. Was it easy? no. Being 12 hours ahead and trying to communicate is not easy.

Let this go. Stop whining. Stop fretting. This is NOT a healthy way to live a life or have a marriage. Either decide to put his affair behind you or let your marriage go. The longer you keep this over his head? You are going to force him to cheat again. How? Why should he be faithful and get accused of cheating if he's not cheating? Start getting accused of doing something you're doing. Ten years is a LONG time to hold a grudge. I would NOT like to be your spouse.

Let it go or get divorced. If you don't want to get divorced then you need to get your butts back into counseling because you haven't survived this affair.

It sounds like your doing some soul searching. Maybe you haven't regained your trust in him completely? I think it's ok if that's the case. It's not really a matter of fair/unfair. Trust takes time and work.

If you're not there yet, then this may be symptom of that. It sounds like adding more stress isn't a good idea right now and focusing on the two of you is what's important. It's only my opinion but he has to be mature enough to accept that.

He's right.

You're also penalizing her for being a woman. You're in effect saying that he can't work with women because he's not gay.

In your SWH, you ask why he can't just do what you want because it causes you stress. Why do you think that you get to rule his life?

Keep this up and you'll make him start looking at a life outside of you.

My husband was unfaithful in the start too. No way would I be okay with him going away like that...not because he hasn't earned a good amount of trust back, but because it puts him in a vulnerable situation. Your husband should be smarter than to even toss this idea at you.

Well, I don't know if I would say telling someone they are immature is a good approach.

If your husband is going to have an affair, he doesn't have to travel to do it. Short of having a nannycam planted on him constantly, you will never "know". Either you trust him or you don't.

Also, is your husband so hot that a married woman, who from all you know about her, is in a committed relationship will somehow lure him into a hot two day affair? If you doubt your husband (and it doesn't seem that if he has been faithful for 10 years you have reason to), why doubt that another woman would be true to her emotional commitment?

A "side business" with his "side piece"?

His actions lost your trust. Doesn't matter that it was ten years ago. Apparently now you are "once burned twice shy". HE needs to work hard to help you feel good about this new business venture.

This is why I have a no-second-chances policy when it comes to cheating. If you cheat on me once, I will never be fully able to trust that you won't do it again.
Do you trust him now? If so, then drop the subject. If not, then why are you still married?
And please don't refer to it as a "mistake." A mistake is something you do accidentally, like throwing a red sock in a white wash and turning everything pink, transposing numbers when balancing the checkbook and overdrawing the account. You cannot accidentally have sex with someone.

Your "gut" is your second brain. I think you should trust it...

What's your husbands bosses relationship status? Married? Boyfriend? Ask for the name of the conference. See if its real or not. Get the name of the place its at and confirm with them. If you don't trust him, maybe you should leave him. I can see why you would have trust issues with him.

I'm guessing you felt your husband only cheated on you in the past because the circumstances were tempting. Maybe that's the excuse he gave you.

If you feel that way, that we're all 'human' and might cheat if given the opportunity, then I think counseling wasn't that helpful. Your husband should have owned what he did, and worked to re-build the trust a healthy marriage needs.

If he didn't, and you still don't trust him, then you don't. Him calling you crazy for feeling the way you do - not a good sign to me.

I'd trust your gut.

I totally understand you, J.. I would feel uncomfortable too, and my husband has never done anything disloyal to me. Actually, I don't think he would suggest anything like that, traveling alone with an attractive woman. Bottom line is, if you are upset about it, your husband should listen to you and spend more time in earning your trust first.

Updated

I totally understand you, J.. I would feel uncomfortable too, and my husband has never done anything disloyal to me. Actually, I don't think he would suggest anything like that, traveling alone with an attractive woman. Bottom line is, if you are upset about it, your husband should listen to you and spend more time in earning your trust first.

Yes. It's fine. Don't worry.