Single Parenting and Dating

I am a child of divorce also and it was hard seeing different men dating my mom. After the first time i told her about it, she wouldn't introduce me to them until she knew it was going to be a long term thing. Even then, she explained to me that they were just getting to know each other and nothing was permanent. She also would remind me that she was happy. This helped me a lot. It kept the boundries very tight. I knew what was going on, even when i was very young and I knew that my mom was happy. Good luck in what you decide to do.

M.,
I think your guy is right.I wouldn't even approach the subject with him again unless you guys are talking marriage. It sounds like your guy really understands "how your son could feel" about someone new in his mommy's life. I don't think children should be a part of their parent's dating life. If your son did bond with this guy and it didn't work out, it is hard for a three year old to understand that. I would just wait and see what happens between you and him.
Good Luck!
D.

I was a single mom of two daughters 6 months and 2 1/2 yrs old when I met a wonderful man who had no children of his own. He was raised by a single mom as well and had about 4 different step dads. He never once showed hesitation about getting invilved with a single mom. He stepped up and took total responsibility for two kids that weren't his. We now have two more daughters and have been together for 8 yrs. Sometimes you just have to go for it. Kids are a good judge of character. They know when someone makes them feel uncomfortable even if they don't know why. If you keep your child and this new guy separated until you guys figure out your feelings for each other...what are you gonna do when you're crazy about this guy, but your son doesn't like him at all? This guy has to accept the total package from the get go. He can't take 6 months to decide if he likes you and then start all over with your son. Before you know it, you've wasted a year with a guy who likes you a lot, but just can't form a relationship with your child. I'm a forward person...I told my husband before we even started dating...if my girls don't like you, we have no future. Today there is no difference to him between his biological daughters and the other two. Thats the way it should be.

I am a single parent of a great almost six year old girl. I put off dating until she was almost three, just because I needed to be there for her, and only her. I was really scared of dating because I thought I waould run into a lot of men that wouldn't want to date me because I was a single mother. I never had that experience, but if I had I think I would've passed on any man that didn't want to date me because of my daughter. A single parent needs to date people that are okay with their children, they are part of the deal even if you do wait, and it's a huge commitment. There's a chance that once you started dating this guy he would realize he had nothing to worry about, but do you really want to take the gamble that this feeling will persist throughout your relationship. My guess is that if he feels strangely about it now, he will continue to. There are plenty of other great men out there that will appretiate you and your son.

Greg Bernhardt, the author of:

*He's Just Not That Into You-By: Greg Bernhardt

*It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

You should check out http://gregbtv.com for more advice for single mom's dating. He is a dating expert who started out as a standup comic and is now an author and talk show host. From the main page, select:

Recaps & Resources for all the shows.

Tuesday, October 10 | Watch a clip | Sex & the Single Mom

Single mom's can be hot super foxy women too! Today Greg spoke with men and women about dating single moms. Many single moms haven't dated in years because their children scare off their dates, or the dates just want to have fun and feel like kids add too much baggage!

We met Vaniyah, a single mom of six, who hadn't been on a real date in 16 years! She is hot, sexy and with the help of Greg, ready to get back out there. Today we set her up on three mini dates- she went miniature golfing, had a cooking date and wrapped it up with a picnic. Everyone had fun on the dates and, in the end, she picked one man to continue the date with out in the REAL world! Vaniyah and Willie went out and had a great time- no love connection but definitely a great introduction back to dating!

Laura, single mom of four, who hasn't had a date in three years is also ready to get back in the dating world. Laura has proven to be an amazing woman and mother; she has gone back to school at 39 and sleeps on a couch to allow for her four children to reside in their two bedroom home. Greg has set Laura up with an internship at our Detroit station WDIV to work on her writing ambitions, a personal trainer to assist with her weight loss aspirations and most exciting for Greg Behrendt Show fans -- Laura is going to blog for us. Check out her first blog and keep up with her progress!

I actually thought there was more to the resource section on this topic, but basically when you go out on a date with guys, do it for fun and if it leads to something--GREAT! If not, at least have some fun while you are out.

Tips: Don't talk about your children or ex's on your dates until you see they are leading somewhere. The point of a date is to have fun and get to know each other better. Show interest in the guy and remember that most guys aren't ready to settle down (if at all) until at least the age of 30. I wish I could remember more of what they said on this topic from the day it aired, but hopefully these few will help.

And don't take your kids on dates. This is a time for you and the guy you are dating to get to know each other as people. If things start getting serious, then consider how you will introduce your children to your male friend and vice versa. Never lie and say you don't have kids, but if it doesn't come up right away, don't force the issue too soon.

Good luck!

Hi M.. I have been in your shoes and can tell you that as much as you and this guy may come to care for each other, if he is unsure about dating a mom (much less being a step-parent0, it will not work. My second husband had no kids of his own, and he thought he wanted to be a dad, until he was faced with the reality of it. We toughed it out for 3 years before I sent him packing, because his attitude was hurting the kids more than helping them, and they did indeed get hurt when he left. I am now involved in a LTR (no more marriage for me) with a man who has two grown children. He was unsure about starting over with my kids, which we were able to work through, but it was a long hard process, and only worked because he was willing to make the effort and sacrifices and got to know and love the kids before we comitted to each other. It is an all or none package deal when you have kids, and as unfair as it may be, more men will run then stay, and if they are gonna run, you are better off without them. Good luck, and please protect your heart, until you are sure about him and his intentions.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from - I too am a single mom with a 3-year-old son but I haven't really ventured into dating much. (My problem is I am too busy between a full-time outside the home job and being mommy). I do think that you are right to not have your son around men that you date until the time is right for all parties concerned. It is what I have witnessed from a friend's situation that makes me say this. She has had men in and out of her son's life through being married 3 times and dating. Her son is now 12 and has had so many "daddies" in his life there's no telling what he thinks a real family life is like. At least you seem to be trying to look out for your son in that regard, and the man you are seeing seems to understand that too, unfortunately since he went through it. I think you are on the right track, proceeding cautiously and thinking of and respecting the feelings of all three people involved.

I'm actually going through a pretty similar situation myself. My divorce is not yet final but I've been seeing a man who I'm also crazy about. I have an amazing 4 year old boy who is still probably going through a little bit of confusion over his dad and I not living together anymore. I've decided to focus on my son and the man that I'm seeing seperately. Gavin (my son) hasn't spent any time with the guy I'm seeing but he is becoming a little more familiar with his name. I talk about "My friend So-and-so does this" or "So-and-so and I did this". Eventually they'll meet but I'm not rushing things. Until I meet someone who I know isn't going anywhere I'd rather protect my son from once again having a man removed from his life. Take things a day at a time and I think your "friend" =) will become more comfortable with things.

M.,

I can't imagine how hard if must be trying to be a good parent and have any kind of a social life. Single parents have one of the toughest jobs in the world. My only advice for you is to be patient with yourself and your life. The old saying that "all things happen in good time" is true.

From experince I know that trying to rush or push a relationship never works. This guy sounds like he is a kind and considerate person. I would just be his friend first, no pressure, no guilt, and nothing that makes either of you uncomfortable. But, be honest with him and yourself if you're still crazy about him and he is still pushing you away a couple of months from today, then you need to leave him alone. You need someone who will see you for the wonderful person you are right now, child and all. Have faith!

J.

I too was a single parent with a young son. I found that to be a problem a lot I never introduced my son to any one of my dates. I met my husband when just before my sons 5th birthday, he did not meet my son for about 4 or 5 months. We got married about 1 1/2 years later. He addopted my son in December of 1998 and we have been married for about 10 years now. I think if you take it slow and make sure he knows that you are a mother, but that is not all you are you can also be a great girlfriend, and friend. Communication is a big part of making it work with him and your son. Don't make your son call him dad. Let the new Friend and your son make any decisions on what they want to call each other. Again I can not stress enough Communication.