Sleep Training...

Maybe I'm "old fashioned" at the age of 39 (my son is 18), but I don't believe in "sleep training" and "sleep schedules." If the child is tired, he will sleep--and should be encouraged to sleep anywhere. I rasied my son the way I was raised. If my parents were at a restaurant, I was told to lay over with my head in mom or dad's lap and go to sleep. If they were at a friend's house, I was told to lay on the couch, the carpet, in a guestroom, or wherever.

I don't believe the world needs to stop when it's the child's nap or bedtime. If my son was asleep in his crib and I was cleaning house, I'd just go in and vacuum under his crib. I always had music playing on the radio in the house, the phone ringing, people visiting. I would never consider putting a "Shhh...baby sleeping" sign on the front door and making sure the house was silent.

I don't believe in a sleep schedule beyond the basic: it's time to wake up or it's time to go to sleep. If it was nap time, I would put my son in his crib or on his bed (he was sleeping in a twin bed at the age of 20 mos.) and tell him it was time to sleep. If he wasn't ready to take a nap, he could lay on the bed and rest or play with small quiet toys until he did fall asleep.

From when my son was a toddler through elementary school, if I was out shopping, and he got tired, he sat on the floor in the dressing room, leaned against the mirror and fell asleep while I was trying on clothes.

Some mothers may be horrified by how "rotten" of a mother I am/was, but now let me tell you the huge benefit of doing those things.

My son is a sound sleeper. He can fall asleep anywhere, instantly, no matter how loud or busy it is. I am the same way. It works especially well when we travel internationally. And when I was younger, it helped me get through working fulltime and going to college because I could catch a power nap in the car or in a bustling student center.

Unfortunately, my husband was not as lucky. My mother-in-law was the "Shhhh...the baby is sleeping" type. Now, as an adult, my husband sleeps poorly EVERY NIGHT. Because a neighbor's dog will bark, someone will close a car door or turn on their car, or one of our dogs will walk into the bedroom, or someone in the house will flush a toilet... My father was the same way because his mother was the "Shhh" type.

I am sooo glad I decided that I didn't want to do that to my son. Because now, no matter where he is or what is going on, I know he will be able to sleep and be rested.

I got my daughter used to a schedule of bed time and nap time becasue i was a single mother. But the one i did not mess with was bed time. IF it was naptime and we were out she would either sleep shorter naps in the car or in the store, Bed time was bed time though. I would do a routine with her that changed as needed. I did bath, book,or light music, (quiet things) and a hug and lay her inthe crib. NOw at 8 years old she basically can pick between a few things. It is still bath/shower, book,or a bit of tv(non physical) and hugs andkises then bed. I would absolutely refuse to be "quiet" during her sleep times. The world isnt quiet at all so i figured why make it quiet for her. SHe now sleeps thru things
But i do have one more thing for advice.

At 8 years old she wakes up once a night, to go bathroom, then a bit to drink and back to bed. I put nightlight,yes a nightlight in the bathroom so she cna see what she needs to witout the bright light. SHe now gets up and does that and is back asleep in 10 minutes I talked gto her doc about this and he siad some kids just do that. The bladder is smaller than others. SO dont get discouraged if this happens to you. Put a nightlight in the bathroom and let them use that.

We have two girls, one now six and the other now six months. With the first one, I read the book Secrets of the Baby Whisperer and followed its E.A.S.Y. method (eat, activity, sleep, you), which was foreign to me since I was raised to let baby fall asleep while eating on the breast or bottle and then lay them down while trying not to wake them. This type of sleep usually doesn't last for long since baby might need to burp, or they wake up in a different place from where they fell asleep and are scared/confused. The activity after eating is the key. Then you look for signs of them being sleepy and lay them down where they are to sleep (in the bassinet or crib, ideally) while still awake. This way they learn to self soothe, and they are being laid down when they are full and ready to sleep.

This worked like a charm with our first child. She is in school now, so of course there is a set schedule - and the fact that there always has been helped that transition tremendously. But it wasn't imposed without respect to her body's needs. It was a mixture of working with her needs (she has always required lots of rest) and our scheduling needs. This taught her boundaries and compromise with mutual respect; a solution that was responsible and respectful to everyone. Going to bed at a certain time meant she could get up the next morning when she needed to (for us to go to work) without being tired. It would have been disrespectful to allow her to stay up late when she was going to have to get up early, which there was really no choice in if we wanted to keep our jobs and if she was going to have a good day; she does not do well when she's tired. Setting the stage for her to have the best day possible was most respectful thing for us all. To this day, she just goes to bed when she's tired (which is right at bedtime since that is what she is accustomed to) and puts herself to sleep. Angel baby.

I had every intention of using the same method with our second, but she is a mixture of an angel baby and a spirited baby - she's just different than our first. And, she lost too much weight at first and needed to eat as much as possible - she would fall asleep on the breast too quickly and we were concerned with her getting enough food. That passed quickly and she gained all the weight and then some, but I guess it stuck with me still because I was okay with giving her the breast/bottle in her crib to settle her down (it seemed to be the only thing that really relaxed her), as long as I sat her up to burp afterward (that was the activity part, which when they are tiny, is enough), she was going down awake and putting herself to sleep. She is such a light sleeper though, so at some point, I quit the burping and just let her sleep. It only took a few times of this and she was hooked. So now I have a baby that does not want to go to sleep without the bottle. I'm following the same book's ABC method (antecedent, behavior, consequence) for solving it. I have to say that her advice to "start as you mean to go" is the best parenting advice I've ever had. So my advice is the same, and do it as soon as possible, because fixing it is so difficult.

The ABC method in the BW book for fixing it is definitely not as effective as “starting as you mean to go”. The overall strategy is very sound - replacing old behavior with new - fading out the old. However, knowing what to do when your baby is not fitting the mold is tricky, which is why I am on here now, searching for more advice (I am going to read the No Cry Sleep Solution book. There is no way I will co-sleep or try the CIO method, mainly since I know neither will work for my baby). For this particular problem, the BW book suggests starting the E.A.S.Y. method of course. But starting it late, as part of fixing the problem is not quite the same - she now cries when laid down now that she knows she is not getting a bottle. So, for that problem, the book advises to soothe and then immediately release (lay her down), which could go on for a LONG time on the first night, but should decrease exponentially after that. So I went in ready for a marathon, but she got so overtired from fighting sleep (fighting for the bottle) that she could not be soothed - she was inconsolable...then what? In theory, there is no laying her down (no opportunities to release her/place her in her crib while calm). She ended up wearing herself, as well as me, completely out. But she was still crying. I laid her in her crib anyway, and then gave her a pacifier I had on hand for middle of the night stirs when she wants to suckle and doesn’t really need food (not at this age anyway). She doesn’t take a pacifier normally, but I think she was desperate - and she went to sleep immediately. That has been the routine for several nights now. But now I may be getting into that bad habit (the pacifier). I don't even take the bottle into her room - I keep it in the kitchen now - I want her to disassociate food from sleep. Through the day, she does fine. She takes her bottle, we have some activity and when she shows signs of being tired, she gets a little fussy so I put her down and she goes to sleep. The nighttime is a whole different ball game.

This is another thing in the BW book that she does not do (does not fit the mold) - the three phases of going to sleep: shows age appropriate signs of being tired (which is the window of opportunity to get them into a relaxing environment), then the seven mile stare/glazed over look, and then drooping eyelids, which is when you lay them down, still awake. Mine goes from rubbing her eyes (phase 1) to being fussy to either going to sleep or getting increasingly fussy. That's it - she completely skips from phase one to fussy...no gaze or droopy lids. The only thing that gives her droopy eyes is a bottle. She simply has nothing else that relaxes her as much.

So I am on the hunt for solutions again and another suggestion (not in the book - online) was to offer her a bottle of water instead of milk. Of course baby has to be at least six months old to offer water (due to electrolytes and nutrition balance that could be compromised otherwise). Well, she would have nothing to do with that. So now what? Once she is asleep, she does sleep through the night, except for the brief waking where she gets the pacifier (which, according to the book, should decrease as she is not getting food). She is taking longer naps now - they were very short and sporadic at first, so that is good, but I fear it is from shear exhaustion. She gets plenty to eat during the day.

As far as scheduling, I believe a good mix of letting them sleep where and when they need to (so they learn to sleep well under many conditions), but also respecting their sleep patterns is the key. It must be respectful; would you want to sleep in a restaurant? If they have to, of course it's better than throwing a fit or crying, but why would you schedule such things during your baby's normal nap time? When I say normal nap time, I mean what is normal for him/her, not necessarily what is scheduled by you to fit your schedule, but it becomes part of your schedule because that is what baby needs to get the best rest.

Of course, there are always going to be extenuating circumstances where baby might have to sleep in other conditions (maybe her normal needs are changing because she's having a growth spurt, cutting teeth, etc - something you couldn't have predicted, maybe it's someone else's schedule you are accommodating - there are several factors that could lead to these situations), and letting those happen without stressing (but learning from them) will help everyone better deal and cope with them when they arise. However, I don't believe imposing your schedule on baby works. If you do, you will most likely find that every time the schedule changes, so does your baby’s ability to cope with them and sleep through the night. I do believe that you have to be willing to sacrifice some things you might have previously had on your schedule, without resentment (what I believe to be the true definition of love) - that is part of being a parent. And doing this teaches them how to do the same, which is the most respectful thing you can do for them, so they will learn to respect your schedule as well. So between doing this and also pushing them just a bit to accommodate others’ schedules sometimes, they will learn to cope and deal. It’s a balancing act, just as life always is. But be mindful of consistency; it's easy to justify an off schedule situation when it's something you really want to do. If anything gets off track for any reason, just get back on as soon as possible - without guilt but with one more bit of experience and learning under your belt. Allowing occasional times of off schedule sleeping will teach coping skills and is usually not detrimental to what you have developed so far (unless you have a touchy baby, in which case, it could be - this is covered in the BW book too).

I don't believe in rescuing children at any age, but I do believe in respecting their needs and expecting them to respect yours too – something that is learned and can be demonstrated and thereby taught from the very beginning. Respond to cries (a baby's way of telling you they need something) and soothe, but don't coddle; this assures baby you are there for him/her but are not going to do it for them. This is true at any age. This teaches them that they can do it and they are going to be okay. Self soothing and other problem solving skills are built this way and lead to confident, capable, self-assured people. I believe that adhering to a schedule that is considerate of everyone, including baby - and doing it from the start - is key.

Anyway, I'm still searching for a solution to my current situation, but I thought this might help. Good luck with the book!

Hello P.,

It's been a long time since those days (our youngest daughter is 22), but there is one thing that I remember well.

When she was 10 months old, she learned how to climb out of her crib. We decided to take the crib mattress and put it on the floor, against the wall. She loved it! We didn't have to worry about her falling or anything. She stayed there until we moved her into a twin bed later on.

D. R.

With my son..I read to him 7:30, bath time is before that, and he has to lay in his bed at 8:00--if he is still not asleep by 8:30 I turn some light music on for him. My older daughter, Irene, I read to her, bath time is before storytime. With my youngest daughter I have trouble getting her to stay in her bed so I read to her bath is before storytime, cuddle time, sing to her, and wait for her to fall asleep. Thankfully it is still early so I still have time for hubby and myself. Hope this helps. D.

Hi P.,

I have two sons & I learned a lot about sleep with my first one, River. When River was a baby, I did not have him on a schedule. I tried to meet his needs around his own time-table, and that worked out fine because he was my only child and I was staying home with him. However, when he was 9 months old still not sleeping through the night, I realized I needed to do something different. I tried the Ferber method- where you let your baby cry for ten minutes at a time in the hope that he will put himself to sleep, and it was a nightmare. River was used to being rocked to sleep, so he screemed & screemed whenever I put him in his crib, and he could keep it up for hours. I would lock myself in the bathroom & cry for ten minutes at a time and then go back in to comfort him- but he wasn't comforted. He was angry that I wouldn't pick him up. Eventually, I had to buy some earplugs & let him cry it out for a couple of days.

When my second son, Sky was born, I resolved to NEVER rock him to sleep. Starting in the hospital, I would change his diaper after I nursed him to ensure that he was awake every time I put him in his crib. Since he started out putting himself to sleep from day one, I have never had any trouble with him. When he became old enough to have an official bedtime, I started singing him the same song & saying the same prayer over him, so he would have a bedtime routine. This has worked out great because if he does happen to wake up in the middle of the night- which is very rare, I just pick him up for a quick hug, sing him his song, and put him right back down. This also works great at nap time- even if we're away from home!

I hope that helps!
C. : )

I'm looking forward to reading your book. :) We tried letting her cry it out for 3 weeks. The longest amount of time she cried before falling asleep was one hour - it did get better but never got to the point where she didn't cry. In fact, I feel like it made things worse. It got to the point that she would start crying when I said "sleepytime" and carried her towards the crib. I didn't want sleeptimes to be a time of stress for her so I stopped with CIO. I feel like for us CIO did more harm than good. I appreciate that you say "not all babies are the same". We started putting her to bed with her favorite stuffed animal - sometimes that seems to help.

I have two babies, 23 months and 27 days apart. I "Sleep Trained" my son, the older one, starting around 5 months. I think I read every ST (sleep training) book on the market. I really didn't want to let my baby cry. It was excruciating to hear. I tried the 'no cry sleep solution' first. When I realized how much work it would be to write a sleep journal, I quickly moved on to something that would be easier on myself. I did learn from that book that my son woke on average 11 times in a 9 hour period. Also, that he did not nap.
I eventually settled on a method I invented that took about a month to take effect. My son slept with us for the first 5 months so there was bed weaning involved. As a first time mom, I really underestimated the challenge bed weaning presented. So I taught him to sleep in his bed during naps first. I simply drove him around town every day at the same time until he fell asleep. After two weeks, I put him in his crib and after 5 mins of crying he would sleep just fine for about 45 mins. For the first year, that was all the napping he did.
Bed time required a routine of dinner, bath, story, nurse, sleep. For about three weeks, he cried for 45 mins before he went to sleep. he'd sleep for two hours, then nurse, four hours, nurse, two hours, nurse, then two more. After the first few weeks, the initial crying lessened to ten minutes and pretty much stayed there. He cried himself to sleep after night waking half the time too.
I felt successful but I was a zombie. This went on until I weaned him at 15 months. He is now 2 1/2 and still occationally wakes at night because he misses us or wants water. He also does not go to sleep right away when put to bed. He stopped napping shortly after his sister was born.

Baby number two sleeps. She has since day one. All through the night 10-12 hours, plus she takes two 2.5-3 hour naps for a total of 5-6 hours a day of napping. Doesn't matter where we are, at nap time, she sleeps.
I started from the beginning letting her cry herself to sleep. She never cried for more than 3 minutes. If she cries longer than that I can go in, nurse her or change her, pick her up for a minute, then put her back down and she goes to sleep. She is 8 months old and still nursing.

mine was pretty easy too. But i did have to let him cry it out sometimes!! but I also have wind down time with my child and I did the same thing everynight until he got it!! unfortunately my husband came home and ruined it, but i was able to retrain him and my husband!!

Good luck!!!

L.