Standing up to Agressive Children

**ETA: I read your update. IF your child is being bullied and mistreated. You need to tell the school. And have your son SAY who is bullying him and picking on him. Of course, he is now scared. He is a young child. His size has nothing to do with it. Even big clumsy lumbering kids, can get picked on.
And it is wrong, (if this is happening), that Teachers tell kids "don't tattle..." because, kids then learn, that ANYTHING they tell a Teacher is "tattling" when it is NOT.
I work at my kids' school, everyday children come up to me telling me about kids that are picking on them. In front of them ALL... I tell them it is WRONG and that they need to tell the Teacher. They say "that is tattling.... we're not supposed to do that..." and I CORRECT them and tell them "NO, this is not tattling. Tattling is when you are making trouble on purpose or gossiping. THIS is not tattling... but telling a Teacher when wrong doing is happening. And when another kid is mean to you. The Teacher won't know unless you TELL HER. And if she has a problem with it... you TELL her to come and talk to me. I WILL explain to her."
I am very firm about this. Kids get scared of telling their Teachers things, because they are taught... that anything they say about another child is "Tattling." And it is NOT.
And the next thing is: even confident kids can get bullied. Anyone can get bullied. It is never right, to make a kid feel like he is a "victim." IF ANY KID is being bullied and picked on and continuously, you NEED to, deal with it... TO the school officials, and advocate for your child.
It is not right, to think "well, kids should word it out themselves.... or by themselves." Kids don't inherently know... how to do that.

- bear in mind, that kids can get bullied from Teachers too or picked on by Teachers. My friend's son, was getting picked on from his Teacher. He would tell her daily, what was going on... and how he was not doing anything bad. But the Teacher, continually "favored" the other more brazen kids, over him. And he would get "blamed" even if the others were clearly more outspoken. The Mom complained to the Teacher, who just replied in arrogant ways, she reported it to the Principal, who said it is just personality differences. She then, had to use STRONG wording, bringing it up to the School District, and then, something was done about it. FINALLY, her son was put into another class with another Teacher. AND NOW... her son, is HAPPY and she got her son back. Meaning, prior to this, her son was STRESSED and snarly and just always tense. And it was all because of that Teacher and how he was being treated. The kids who are still in that class, at least one of them is still, very unhappy. And there is much petty favoritism, in that class. By that Teacher.

There are always MANY personalities in a school. And each child has different levels of coping skills. And it cannot be, expected that all kids will be rocket scientists at handling it. Despite them being taught about it.
So as such, with kids like this, they need to be helped... by the parent. You can't just leave kids by themselves, to deal with it. Meanwhile, they suffer from emotional stress and behavioral problems because of it.
Do not place, all the "responsibility" of bullying, on the victim.
Some kids, even adults, don't know how to deal with people like this.

TEACH your child, that speaking up... is NOT "tattling." He needs to learn to defend, himself.
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YES you need to have a meeting with the school/Teacher/Principal/Counselor and whomever you feel necessary etc.

Take photos, of your son's injuries.
These, ARE injuries.
This is not, normal.
DOCUMENT everything. Everything.

If this happened to my children, I would be, pissed.
But, I would dig deep, to find out the real situation.
Talking to the Teacher and other staff, in a pleasant way, but to get, answers.
And if there are Bullies, I would make the school handle it, until I am satisfied.

If these injuries are from another child, and not simply rough and tumble on the playground or in gym class, then absolutely insist that the principal be present at this meeting, as well as his teacher and the counselor. Put your complaint and request for a meeting in writing, and let everyone present see that you are taking written notes during the meeting. Take photos of any injuries, and make it clear that you will not stand for this. Zero tolerance, from the beginning. Do not let this continue.
My son is the same age, but is tall and solidly built. He is into books not into sports, and is not aggressive. He has never been a target, but we have said that if after attempting to walk away or ignore an aggressor he is free to do what he needs to do to defend himself if someone physically hurts him, and if walking away does not work. His martial arts teacher has given the kids several self defense moves to use if someone tries to grab them or push them down, or come at them from behind. I hope he never ever has to resort to a fight, but he knows he does not need to stand for being a victim. If you know anything about bullying, you know that once a target is chosen, the teasing can go on for years. You are absolutely right to be concerned. Good luck, and let us know what happened.

If they are leaving marks, it's not just normal roughhousing. I do remember lots of arm twisting as kids (we used to call them Indian Burns), and they were painful, but done in a joking way more than a mean way. But never that hard and never enough to scratch or bleed. I think meeting with the teacher and principal is a good idea. You should also ask them for advice on things your son could say or do when he's in one of these situations.

I would start with having him say in a clear, firm voice (but not yelling) "Don't touch me." He should also walk away.

Does he feel like a victim, I mean has he articulated that idea. I say because a lot of kids, big or small, see rough play as rough play.

I think before you do anything you need to ask the obvious question, how is this making you feel? I was always surprised how many time Andy answered, kids are kids. Have no idea where he got that for one... He is bullied as are a lot of kids with spectrum disorders. Most of the time it doesn't bother him. Actually it only bothers him when it makes him lose his temper because then he is in trouble.

The thing I learned as a child to counter bullying is to not be a good target. Rough play, I have no idea because they are playing. It would take some really adult thoughts and words to deal with that. I mean can you just imagine you are seven or eight and this kids starts explaining about injuries, can we explore different styles of play, blah blah blah, then he will be bullied cause that is just strange.

So I would go with asking the question, how does it make you feel, follow up with why, what would you like to see happen, how do you think you can do that. Don't fix it for him, help him explore how to fix it himself. Let him own that and the confidence that comes from solving his own problems.

My kids never liked this process when they were kids they wanted me to fix everything. Both of the older two thanked me when they went away to college. Kids are never too young to learn analysis and critical thinking. Helps ground them in reality as well.

One way to help him at home is to role play. Some kids that are naturally quiet just are not comfortable with being loud/aggressive enough in telling other kids to stop. He needs to know it is OK for him to yell STOP TOUCHING ME at the other kids if they are hurting him. And yes, I said YELL! He needs to get their attention. So role play it at home. First, you are him and he is the bully that is twisting you arm. You show him what words you would use and how to use them. Then reverse rolls and let him get comfortable with telling you to stop.

And I know this is totally not a PC thing for me to say, but I absolutely would tell my son that if some hits him, that he should walk away and get a teacher ASAP. However, if they hit him again or wont let him walk away, he has MY PERMISSION to hit back and defend himself!

DEFINITELY have the teacher, counselor and especially the principal present at the meeting. There are rules about bullying and harassment within the schools that currently is not being addressed. I understand there are many other children within the school and on recess with your child, but that doesn't mean that the behaviors have a right to go unnoticed. I hate to think of it, but they have to know about it as well. He may be quite and shy, but it's still not right to pick on this little guy. Now with all of my nieces and nephews, we've all taught them that violence is never the answer, but if the situation arises that they need to be physical, then it is okay. Try talkin to your little guy about karate or martial arts. Might be something that would be good for him and also something that could get him to open up a little. Keep us updated and I hope they fix the problem asap!

I have taught my kids to respond to bullying like this,''I am sorry that me being different and unique upsets you, I am being the only person I know how to be, ME''.

Does it work 100% of the time? No. I have the ''peace'' of mind, knowing that I have taught them to love themselves for who they are, not what the bully wants them to think they are.

Build them up as much as you personally can. Make sure they know and feel they are loved while around you.

this sounds like bullying to me. especially if it's the same kid(s) treating him like this. i have told my four year old, although i do not advocate fighting or hitting first or anything like that, but if someone hits her, to hit them back! my daughter is also small and follows direction and is sensitve etc like your son, and she needs to learn how to speak up and stand up for herself. you should speak to the principal, counselor, etc if the result continues to be the same (picking on your child) because obviously the teacher is not handling it (did teacher speak to the other kids' parents? etc.) i think if you approach it as bullying, since it is bullying - your child doesn't even want to go to school!! he does not feel safe there! i think schools these days have very low tolerance for that kind of behavior. good luck, i am so sorry this is happening to your son :(

This is not a short term solution, but possibly a long term one......and please note that I do not condone violence in any way. Have you considered seeing if he might be interested in participating in some type of martial arts? Martial arts training, at the right studio, with the right instructors gives kids the tools they need to have the self confidence to know they can protect themselves. Reputable teachers do not teach the children to be violent or agressive, but the child, just knowing they have the skills necessary to protect themselves gives them that confidence to send out the "dont you dare" vibe.

My son has participated in jiu jitsu since he was in kindergarten. He is now in 8th grade and is a third degree brown belt and he still loves it. My son too was, and still is very small and quiet. We didn't begin because he was being bullied (thankfully), but because he was interested and I figured with his size and shy personality, he might benefit from it. Today he really is a strong, confident teenager, despite being very small and I believe his 8 years of training created that.

Here is an example.....In the 6th grade he had a boy he did not know come up behind him in the hallway and for no reason put his arm around his throat. He was able to quickly and without even thinking throw his elbow backwards into the boys stomach and the boy released him. He then immediately went to a teacher. Both of them were sent to the principals office where the other boy received the rest of the day in in-school suspension(not his first time there). A couple of weeks later the boy attempted to put my son in a headlock again, but my son saw him coming and before he could touch him, my son turned around and got right in his face and very calmly and quietly said "if you touch me again I am going to break your nose".....please note this other boy was over a foot taller than my son, but because of his training, my son had the confidence to stick up for himself, because he knew if it was necessary, he could in fact break the kids nose. Fast forward two years later and this boy has never even looked at my son again. I consider all the money we have spent over the last 8 years money well spent.

Just an idea.....good luck to your little munchkin.....it is amazing how obnoxious some children can be....and my real question is WHERE ON EARTH IS THE TEACHER WHEN THIS BULLYING IS GOING ON? Bullying with words is bad enough, but if other children are putting their hands on your child!!!!..... that is HUGE and totally unacceptable to happenn even one time!! I think I would be most angry about the fact that this teacher is obviously NOT paying attention. Teachers are supposed to pay attention and protect our children.....especially when this is an ongoing issue, he/she should be watching for it every day so she can stop it!!!