Suicide Attempt

I sympathize with you and your family. I'm a retired police officer who has dealt with suicide. I've also been a Crisis Intervention volunteer with the added experience of dealing more closely with the family.

Your wish to write a letter is what you should do. Say just what you said here; that you love and support him. I don't know about the service and how long it will be before he comes home. So, send it now. Don't wait until he gets home.

You should write whatever your heart tells you to write. Make your words positive and supportive. Don't ask why or specific questions about what he did? Don't be critical of his choices that led him to this place.

I just realized that I do have some experience with this and the service. Quite a few years ago my cousin had an emotional breakdown when he was in the Air Force. He didn't attempt suicide. He threatened it and was found drunk on someone's lawn. He was hospitalized, diagnosed with schizophrenia, and then given a general discharge. He had been in ROTC in college and this was his first assignment after graduation.

Both he and his family felt that the Air Force treated him well. They provided for psychiatric care until he was able to be discharged from the hospital and could go home.

I can understand both protocol and the feelings that you and your family must have for the 3 day delay. His parents should have a phone number for a contact person and could ask for an explanation of the protocol and reasons for it. At some point, someone should be able to explain this to them. Now may not be the right time for this question, however.

Now, the concern is what is going to happen from now on. If the contact person hasn't told them or if they don't understand then they should call and ask and they should insist on an answer as regards to service protocol. It could be that they (service) don't know because they are waiting for the medical people to make decisions. It could be that your nephew has not given the service representative permission to give information to his parents.

This is one of those situations that requires patience and one step at a time. You do have to wait until the service sends him home. The decision is made by the service. Until he's discharged the service is responsible for your nephew. They will make recommendations for your nephew's next step but once he's discharged they cannot enforce any action. Because he's an adult, his parents may not know what those recommendations are. They'll have to depend on what their son tells them.

Once he's home be as much yourself as possible. Let him know that you're there if he wants to talk. Don't quiz him. Just show that you care and want to help in any way he needs. Don't be surprised if he's withdrawn and doesn't want to talk. Or he might want to talk and talk. He's the same man he was before he left but with this one very difficult experience. He'll probably feel ashamed. He may think that he's "no good." He may be sorry he was saved. He may be thankful he was saved.

Express concern but don't over do it. Expect him to act like an adult; an adult in pain but still an adult, capable of making his own decisions without your help. If he asks for advice give it. Be sensitive to his feelings but don't work at protecting him from them. He has to accept and express his feelings before he can heal. He will most likely need therapy to do this.

When I've been with survivors of suicide and with their families, I've found the most helpful thing for me to do is be myself, accept them and whatever they say or do that is not harmful to themselves or anyone else. I've shared tears a couple of times. Within my own family, I've found sharing tears the most helpful way to be close and deal with the pain.

I don't have any reading recommendations. There must be Internet sites that would point you in a helpful direction. I imagine that there are sites that in themselves will give you answers.

You are in the midst of a challenging and painful situation. My thoughts are with you. I want to encourage you by saying that with love and compassion there isn't anything that you do that is wrong. You'll be able to figure out what to do as you go along. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

First off, hugs. Big hugs.

I knew of 3 successful attempts when I was in bootcamp 10 years ago (so my info is aged although to the best of my knowledge still holds true), and 1 legitimate "failure"... plus dozens of "trying-to-get-out-'attempts'". The trying to get out attempts they would keep them there for months and months. Partially as punishment, since they were usually trying to get home "fast" typically for some kind of event, so they'd keep them there for at least 2 full cycles. Some were allowed back in, most were not, but were kept in the admin-platoon. The legitimate attempts, after they were stable, they were typically shipped home... but I'm afraid I don't know any more of the logistical details. Also *occasionally* something is reported as a suicide attempt that isn't. (An attack, an accident, allergic reaction, etc.). Those cases get sorted via investigation... and most stay in.) You can see how confusing this can all be. It usually takes a couple days at LEAST just to figure out what is going on... because there are so many possibilities. It's not like an attempt in a dorm, where everything is cut and dry and the school calls the parents. In military-land not only do options abound, but the recruits/soldiers/sailors/airmen/marines are in every single way legal adults "owned" by the govt., so when and how much to tell the family is on their own schedule. Hugs hugs hugs. It can be a frustrating process dealing with them during the best of times.

It is highly unlikely that the govt. will provide any kind of mental health follow-up if he's discharged... which honestly, is a mixed blessing... since if they don't provide follow-up he'll get to avoid the VA. Even if they do, it's typically for the best to get an outside individual counselor. It's worth speaking with an attorney, however, to find out your nephew's legal rights.

GREAT BIG HUGS TO YOU AUNTIE!!!

Do write that letter. Don't mail it though, until you know where he's going to be (there or home or elsewhere). And photocopy it. Mail does get lost.

My best friend attempted suicide several years ago, during a mixed episode. It's world stopping. She is so very very grateful for it, though NOW... because while she was serious in her attempt, it ended up getting her the help she didn't know she needed. She stayed inpatient for about 3 weeks, and then did individual counseling 1-3x per week for about a year.

Hugs again,
R

My experience is from the perspective of an Army wife - my current husband is retired from the Army. I would advise consulting the chaplain at the post where he is assigned. My first husband (long story - he is now deceased) had problems at boot camp where he was ultimately sent home with a medical discharge. The chain of command gave us no information and gave him no support. (This was in 1979.) Our local minister contacted the chaplain, who was able to intervene and get us some information and get the wheels moving to get him home. You do not have to be religious to benefit from the chaplain's services. They are not part of the chain of command, and as such, have access to resources others may not. He can follow up with your nephew after the discharge, to make sure he is ok and getting the followup care he will need. Another resource outside of the chain of command that can help is the Red Cross. Your nephew is in my thoughts.

My sister-in-law also attempted suicide and was almost successful in that attempt. She took a whole month's worth of epilepsy pills at once, and had we not arrived at her place earlier than planned, she would have died. Now her seizure meds do not work as well as before and she is on disability due to severe depression and epilepsy. She often tells us how glad she was that we saved her life. But I remember looking at her in the coma and wondering why. In time, she felt safe sharing that. But anyone who was willing to let her know how much she was loved was a blessing to her. So write the letter. It will mean a lot to him.

I have had two suicides in my family. One uncle and one cousin. Depression is a terrible disease. Praise God your nephew is ok and you and your family have a second chance to be with him!
Don't ask him why or details. Just let him know you love him and will be there for him no matter what. No matter how sad he is, no matter what he has done. Write him that letterand tell him just how glad you are that he is still here. He needs to know how much he is loved, valued and needed. When he gets home, have a network of family and friends available to him to just be there to care about him.
Monitor his reactions to his antidepressants very carefully. Tell his mom to help him with this. Some of them can make suicidal tendencies stronger, if the Dr. puts him on the wrong one. That is how we lost my uncle.
I would try to look at this as a second chance given to you and your family and your nephew. Just love him and support him. people who commit suicide have no idea what it does to their family. They are too sad to see how important and loved they are.
God Bless!

Getting off of axiety meds is probably what caused the problem tobegin with.
If you know u have this problem, you cant just drop the meds and pretend you don't need them anymore. Those types of meds are nnot ones you can just take or leave. They help keep things undercontol so that severe
things don't happen lke a suicide attempt. The two symtoms are linked hand in hand and need to be dealt with as such Anxiety leads to the depression. if it is not kept under control,, then things can get bad. Especially in a situation that stresss some ouut very badly.

Suz:

I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew. I've had close calls with a dear friend I've known all my life and one of my cousins attempted suicide as well. Thankfully, neither were successful. My friend called me but only after she'd downed all her pain medications. She had chronic pain with her illnesses as well as a major personal problem in her marriage she felt was too embarrassing to tell me about and she was afraid it would drudge up bad memories from my childhood. I'll just say that I grew up in a physically abusive home with my birth father; it didn't help matters that my birth mother was an enabler either. I was able to get her new address out of her but it took so much time I was afraid the ambulance wouldn't get there in time but they did.

The one thing her psychologist told me I could do that would help her the most was to let her know I was there for her if she wanted to talk. I'd be there to listen, no matter what she needed to say.

Thankfully, she did take her psychologist's advice at letting others listen when she needed to talk. If you can get your nephew to talk, he may go on for so long that he falls asleep. This is normal because it's physically and emotionally taxing.

He needs to know he has family he can count on that won't judge him or patronize him but will listen when he needs to talk. His parents need to get in contact with a psychologist for when he comes home so he can get professional help. If not, he could end up right back where he was.

Warmest wishes and I'll keep your family and your nephew in my thoughts.

My heart is with you and your family - I'm so very sorry.

More than anything your nephew needs to hear that he is LOVED and that you care. The working through the depression and anxiety as well as understanding why he would attempt to take his life, will follow as he heals.

My father committed suicide years ago. So many people did not know what to say or do and consequently did nothing. While I know now that the silence was an expression of their discomfort and not a lack of caring, at the time it made a horrible situation even more difficult.

Write to your nephew - follow your heart. You need not write much, nor find huge words of healing. Just knowing you care, you love him and you are there, will help him at this stage. It is a blessing that he has a loving Aunt like you. God bless you and your family and remember to take care of yourself through the days, weeks, and months ahead. Prayers with you.

I am prior service (USAF). If I was the mother, I would be calling up the base commander of the where they have the training at. I would demand answers and not give up until I get them. If she goes directly to the base commander, this will get things moving.

Secondly, you are just the aunt. I hate to minimize you, but only the mother or father will be able to get information through the military.

Thirdly, it sounds like he drop himself off of anxiety meds prior to the enlistment. That is very dangerous and I am not surprised he tried to commit suicide... only a doctor can ween the patient off of meds. I am wondering if he was coerced by the recruiter to get off the meds in order to enlist. Recruiters are known for this type of manipulation (disclaimer, not all recruiters are manipulators).

I would recommend, as an aunt, to help the mother in anyway you can with plenty of research... look up the Base Commander's number, call the base operator for that number, look up the med he was on and see about side effects.

I believe in the more research you do, the better the outcome and help he will get.

Also, make sure that the mother gets copies of all medical documents that the Army has created. Find out the process (they all have different processes).

I agree with Janet, look at going to the base Chaplin for more guidance. They are usually helpful and will advise the mother on what to do.

Find out what the VA will be able to do for him after the discharge (he will be medically discharged, that is a fact if it hasn't happened already). Seek the VA for more advice and give the mother numbers and contact info to them.

Another thing is to have her keep a journal so she is organized. Most of the time organizations like VA and the Army are so large that they don't care if you are organized or not. She will need the information at hand and available when she meets with any of them.

Oh if all else fails, go to the Red Cross. The son is required to fill out a form to the Red Cross for notifications of death, etc. - they should be able to point the mother in the right direction and give her assistance.

I hope I didn't forget anything myself, as I see this is such a difficult situation.

Good luck and God bless!

My heart goes out to you and your family!! I have heard so many sad stories about young men and women who enlist in the military, and before boot camp is over they are DESPERATE to find a way out. Personally the military should have taken better precaution before letting him enlist if he was on medication for anxiety. They know very well how stressful their "program" is, and should be cautious letting someone enlist who is already dealing with mental health issues. As far as what you should do, I would do just what you are trying to, be there and be supportive. Everyone needs to rally around him and let him know that no one is disappointed in him, you are all behind him and what to do what it takes to get him better. And also let him know that he has nothing to be ashamed of, he tried to accomplish something many of us are way to afraid of even trying and for that he should be proud. Don't ask why he didnt ask for help then, just let him know its there now. Someone who attempts suicide is so desperate, so afraid and hopeless, theres no need to ask why now. I would send a card or letter now, some words of encouragement. Im sure hes feeling shame, and afraid he's disappointed his family. Let him know your open arms and hearts are waiting, and that you are all looking forward to welcoming home and being by side through this next phase of a difficult journey! Best of luck to you, and let us know how he is doing :)

He will be placed in a barracks room where he will await his discharge. He will most likely be monitored, probably by another guy in the holding barracks who is leaving or waiting for a unit. In the Navy it is called THU.
He can ask for a special kind of designation on his discharge papers. There is an R-3 and an R-4 one of them allows you to reenlist the other kills your chances.
THU takes up to three weeks to get out. THey have a lot of paperwork to process. He can still receive mail and he should get lots of love from home. Lots of encouragement and you are very strong and there will be more opportunities. We love you's all over.
Boot camp is very mentally manipulating. The Army and Marine Corps are the most brutal, as they are 13 weeks.
Know that he is not alone. THere are others.
You can go online and google Army parents websites. I belong to the NavyParents and Navyfamilies websites, obviously I am a Navy mom. But the Marine wives and parents have their sites too, I am also a Marine wife. These websites will help you and your sister and help you get the right designation to reenlist at any further date. Especially if he just dropped his meds. He is not allowed in the service until he has been off all meds for 12 months, so someone was playing with him.
Many prayers for your nephew and for you and your family too.

I have no experience with this whatsoever, but wanted to tell you that I will be thinking of you and your family. Please hang in there and make sure that *all* of you get the help you need to deal with this.

Suz,
I had a teenager called me at work one day, a few years ago and tell me that she was killing herself right there and then! It was the most horrible feeling I had ever had in my life. I managed to call our Youth Pastor, the police and was able to run over to her house. Her life was spare and she was very thankful for having another chance in life.
After that horrible incident, she just needed me there, to talk to her and let her know how much God loved her! Her mother and step dad put her in a clinic, I had to drive her there; but she was able to get the help she needed.
But what was most important to her, was knowing that people didn't judge her for what she did, but loved her unconditionally.
Now, one of my sisters joined the Navy, she did everything she had to do and graduated. She was then stationed in San Diego, California. She was miserable, she would call the house constantly crying and not herself. She had to go see the psychiatrist constantly, and she eventually was medically dismissed. I praise God she never attempted suicide!!! But she did tell the doctor that she felt like bombing every plane she saw!!! I am happy to tell you that she is fine, doing great, with a great job and lives by herself. In her case, we did the same, showed her support and love. Told her how much we loved her and never ever told her she was anything less than a special sister/daughter/niece etc. to all of us.
I don't know of any books you can read. But I'll tell you this, go with your guts! Write him the letter and send it. Don't wait, just send it. And keep on writing and letting him know how much he is loved, missed and how glad you are that you can see him soon again.
I don't know how, but he needs to get back on his meds for now. And I'm in the hopes that the doctors there will agree and start him back on them as soon as possible.
Other than that my friend, all I can say is pray. Pray for him, for him to get better soon, sooner than the doctors think. For him to be able to recognize the beauty of life, for him not to be depress any more nor suffer from any more anxiety attacks. For him to be everything he can be in God! Pray for protection over his life! And overall for peace for his soul and mind.
Blessings