Temper Tantrums in Almost 3-Year-Old

Hang in there! This is more than likely a phase and she is testing her boundaries. If you (and her teachers) remain consistent, it will pass. Does she have a favorite lovey or animal? You can try taking that or a favorite toy away next time she gets in"trouble" at school. My first daughter always looked forward to book time, so I would get rid of that first when she misbehaved. You have to find something that will really send the message home that their behavior is inappropriate....Good luck!

Sounds like you are handling it quite well!

When tantrums are outside of the home, it does prevent a challenge, but just remember you aren't building a lasting relationship with these strangers that may stare at you with a child in the grocery store, etc., having a tantrum. I LOVE story number 2 at the link below. lol

If you feel that the school is doing enough with the consequences, then let it be (if it seems to be working). If it's increasing, as someone else mentioned, find her 'payoff' and use that card.

Another option would be to plan on an outing...I don't know... to an ice cream place or something and just be calm and say 'uh oh this is sad, I take kids who behave (or however you say it to her) for treats.

The most important thing is no fussing, too much talking about it, no yelling and with great Empathy.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/tantrum_free.html

Good luck!

She's only three. It's a shame your daughter is getting punished at school, then again at home. She has no sanctuary. Her tantrums probably are from frustration rather than from anger. And it sounds like she is always being "policed." When my daughter was in kindergarten, there were many times when she came home she was angry. Teachers are not always the nicest people and most are not trained to deal with various personalities of children. I knew my daughter needed to know that with me she always had a soft place to go, so when she had a "bad day" at school I would give her a little space because not everyone does not want to talk when they are so stressed or angry. Upon arrival back at home I would prepare our lunch and let her do a favorite activity of hers, whether it be reading, helping me with lunch or just to take her mind off her day, let her watch TV until lunch was ready. After a little "chill out time" we were able to discuss her day during lunch. By then she felt much better and then looked forward to the next day at school because she always knew she had someone to discuss anything with no matter what. My daughter is now a happily married woman with a daughter of her own. To this day my daughter and I are great friends as I remain her constant confidante.

My advice is to follow the line of discipline, set by the pre-school, as a consequence at home for the misbehavior at school. But...and I know this is difficult...if she throws a tantrum at home, "completely" ignore her. At three, children like attention (any attention) and unfortunately, being dealt with is a result to her. It is no fun, but effective.

Good Luck!

My daughter just turned 3 and tantrums are a pretty regular part of our life.Kids this age are just learning about emotions. One thing I found worked well with our daughter is re-enforcing that I know what she's upset about. I'll get on her level and say i know, you don't want to "whatever seems to be the problem" and you're mad, aren't you? Tell her youre sorry she's angry but this is what must happen now and Then tell her by acting that way will never get her what she wants and it's only by "using her words" that we can understand her. That doesn't mean she gets her way but it calms her down enough. I thought it sounded wishy washy when I read it we used to make her go to her room and throw her fit, but then we were stuck when out in public. This seems to get her attention right away. About the cards at school, does she even care if the cards are taken away? I would think in a fit my daughter wouldn't care about the cards or it would just make her more angry. I know her teacher is busy with lots of kids but she should try to address whats causing the tantrum instead of just taking a card I don't know if my girl would get that concept yet. Is there a consequence if she looses too many cards or do they just keep taking cards? Kids learn quick that it doesn't mean anything kinda like an empty threat. Well stay strong, tantrums can be so embarassing but we've all been there.

Make sure you are in constant contact with your child's teacher so you know the specifics of what is happening at school. Maybe they need to deal with your child's behavior in a different way. If loosing the animal cards isn't helping her behave then something different needs to be done. My daughter was throwing fits at school and it turns out she would get a lot of attention because of it. The other kids would pay attention to her, nearly every teacher in the building would talk to her to try to calm her down, the director would try to talk to her, and finally they would get me (I worked there). We solved it by making sure she got absolutely no attention when she threw a fit. If it was during class time she would go sit in the kitchen pantry all by herself. If it was during naptime she would sit outside in a chair where the teachers could keep an eye on her but she couldn't see them. It worked wonders. Once she realized throwing a fit would get her removed from the class she stopped. At home we put her in her room when the fit starts and she can't come out until she is done. When she is calm we discuss better ways to deal with her emotions.

Well... we had some issues with my son at preschool this year and I will start by saying he is FIVE ... not two... and it was just a lack of self control, not following rules and not tantrums. We wanted to take a firm stand that he needed to be respectful of his teachers in school. We found that punishment didn't work all that well... he'd get upset... it would be over... and then sort of forgotten. What worked better was taking something (toys, etc.. )away and telling him he had to earn them back by getting good reports from school. Now a month or so later he's back on track and I will get him a little treat at the end of the week if he's been good at school all week. Now yours is not even three, so I'm not sure this will work for a while yet, but you can be the judge. Her behavior sounds somewhat age appropriate, I would think, and I'd wonder how they are handling it at school other than taking away her bears, which sounds pretty out there for a two-year old to understand. I sub a lot at my son's preschool and they don't even have the behavior card/type system until the three year old class. I guess I'd want to talk with the teacher and find out how they deal with tantrums and try to mesh it with what you do at home.

I have been a pre-school teacher for a very long time and am a mother of four, one 13-year-old just turning into a teenager so I still have those years ahead of me. But, has the teacher asked you to "punish" your child at home or just to speak to her about her behavior? The time between what happened at school and home is long. Showing your child that you support her teacher in requesting that she behave in a proper manner at school is respectful of the teacher and the school and the school community. However, to take away things she loves at home make not make a good connection to her at only three. The teacher is taking away the behavior card at the moment the incident occurs and that makes immediate sense to her and the class. At three behavior change may come slowly. And I really understand how painful this may feel to you as the Mom.
You did not say how close she is to being 4. Four year olds are different people and girls develop faster than boys. So she may be showing you some 4 year old behavior here. Where three year olds are usually very pleasant and charming four-year-olds are usually really feeling very independent and saying so. I realize I have given you a lot to think about but just try to be supportive of the school and allow your daughter to understand that under no condition is a tantrum a good way to get attention. And most of all, do not over talk this thing. The few words, the better. Just say, "I am sure you understand because you do know the rules." Please do not ask her "Do you understand now?" They will always say yes at this age and then they will repeat the behavior and then we as the parents think I just went over this. Hey, that is our job, repetition, repetition, repetition. "Please put your dirty clothes away". You will only say this until they get married!! I have a 27 year old getting married in June, so this is one lesson I have certainly learned, now he is his wife's problem. I hope this has helped and enjoy your daughter. C.

You are on the right track!! When my daugher gets in trouble at school, she also gets in trouble with me at home for the rest of the day!! What happens when she gets her cards taken away at school?? What does she loose when so many are gone?? Just wondering how their behaviour system works. If what ever they are doing with her at school working for her? If not, then talk to them about it and see if you can brainstorm some ideas with her teacher. But just stay consistant at home with her. If you tell her no she can't have candy tell her a simple why-"It is too close to dinner" and drop the subject. If she keeps bugging you for it, ignore her and any fit she may throw. It may take a bit for her to figure it out, but she'll get the hit that you aren't going to be fazed by her fits!! Oh, and if she does it out in public, put her in time out at the store or resturant as well!! I'd rather see a child crying in time out at the store than getting what they want just because mom or dad give in to them so they stop crying!!

Good luck and stay strong!!
~S.

Read Steven Vannoy's The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children: Parenting From the Heart. Great ideas in it about in it about how to use questions rather than "no's" and time-outs to help your child avoid tantrums and get some self control while avoiding the futile power struggles. I wish I'd read it a few years back. You can buy it cheap on half.com.

Hey D.. Well, we have certainly all dealt with tantrums. I am currently pregnant with my 7th child; with a family as large as mine I knew I had to nip all whining and temper tantrums in the bud (as much as possible). I could write 5 pages on this topic, but I think I will just recommend the first book I ever read on the topic. It is called 1-2-3 Magic. It really works. Good luck.

Hi D.,
I am a preschool teacher (19 years) of three's. The behavior that you speak of will carry over to her classroom and the teacher will handle it there. I don't feel that you and your husband need to "punish" her at home, though, for something that happened HOURS before and you were not present. At least, not at this point in her life. I DO think that you need to reinforce that you know about the temper-tantrum and be sure that the teacher lets you know that with a short note. With situations like this, make sure that everyone is on the same page about how you deal with this,. This includes visits to Grandmother's house. Tantrums are often signs of frustration on the child's part to react to something they want and cannot have for whatever reason (usually a toy that another child has or being told to stop what they are doing to come do something else). I am a big supporter of "Using Your Words", to handle conflict. I wish I had a nickel every time I have said that in a day to my children. Eventually, they figure out that words can be very powerful. Then, you have to teach them HOW to use them so that they don't use hurtful words to achieve a goal.
I hope this helps you in your decision to punish her at home. School and home are two different environments but they intermingle with behaviors learned at both places. Your 3 year old will learn that there are boundaries at both places and will eventually learn what lines not to cross in both of these environments.
Best of luck to you.
Cathy

I would actually not recommend "punishing" her at home for behavior that happens at Pre-school... they give their own consequences for the behaviors. Can you talk about it with her, sure... but what happens in Preschool (Vegas) should stay in Preschool... She already had consequences... don't double up or she is getting a lot of attention for acting out which can inadvertantly reward the behavior.