thanDid You Grow up with a Dad or No?

My father was the best father he could be. He was not capable of more than what he gave. What he could give was his child support on time and two weeks of his summer for me to visit. Otherwise, there was no support there were few phone calls and it was what it was. It was my choice to be happy with it or do something about it - like stop seeing him. I wanted some kind of relationship with him so I dealt with it. My mother reminded me every time I was disappointed that "My father is the best father he can be." He does not know how to be any different than what he is. I learned to accept that and to stop looking for more.

I agree with you K.. Especially considering the fact the kids get upset over not seeing their dad. They will come to their own conclusions eventually but the last thing you want is them blaming you for not allowing them to have a relationship with their father.

If you tell them they cannot see their dad you will be the bad guy, you will do harm. As hard as it is that has to be their decision.

My dad was pretty involved until I was about 7 (mom and dad divorced since I was 2) then it just stopped. Came to a screeching halt, he'd gotten married and moved on, had another child and I seemed to not matter anymore. Oddly enough, I've never been bitter about it. I used to send pictures and cards to him all of the time, never heard from him, but he would mention to my aunt (his sister) that he got them. She thinks he's a fool also, but it is her brother.

He never paid child support, never helped in any way, and my mom never once bad mouthed him. Any conclusions I came to were my own, not influenced by outside sources and not hindered by my mom.

Let your children decide when enough is enough, support them in whatever choice they make. You may not see it now, but they will thank you for it later.

I have one friend who's ex-husband comes and goes with doing what he should as a father. I admire her SO much for never saying anything bad about him and encouraging her girls to spend time with him, even when they would rather not. She is doing the really hard and right thing to do.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but trust me that taking the high road always works out in your favor in the long run.

I think you are right in this situation, your friend is very, very wrong.

Without going into a long story, I grew up not knowing my bio-dad until I was 14 and was pressing to see him. My mom had cheated on him while prego with me and they split up before I was born, she'd later marry the man she'd cheated with and he would adopt me when I was about 4 or so. My bio dad didn't pay child support, (she wouldn't let him..and she wouldn't let him see me) and when she divorced my adoptive father (I was about 8 then), she really tried to limit time with him as well. In short, I don't think she liked dealing with her exes much, esp. as she had cheated on both of them.

None of my parents were perfect, all of them made mistakes... but my mom choosing to always speak badly of my dads backfired years later, when I started asking my bio-dad good questions about the past instead of just believing her version of things. At that point, I was 28 or so and mature enough to understand why my fathers had really backed off and away-- she was horrible to deal with. I now have a much better relationship with my bio dad and my adoptive father and have a more mature perspective on the past. As for my nutso mom, I haven't seen her for eleven years-- she has mental health issues which are untreated (her choice) and she's a very damaging person. I know that's not your situation, but all that to say-- you are very right-- kids do come to their own conclusions about their parents when they are old enough to accept their parents and their actions for who/what they truly are. 6 and 12 is not really the right stage to expect a child to accept those hard realities about Dad.

Good call, K..

No, that isn't fair to the kids.

Yes, I grew up with a dad, married to my mom. He was home every night, but rarely interacted with us, unless we wanted to come spend time with him in his garden or working on cars with him. He came to ONE of my softball games my entire life, when I was a Jr in high school, and it just happened to be a game where I hit a game-winning grand slam during a tournament. After that I think he felt bad that he had missed out on so many of our life events. It took him 17 years to "get it." Now he loves to be involved, so much so that this September when my next baby is born, he'll be coming with my mom for 5 days to help take care of my other kids, and he actually calls me to chit-chat.

Keep the door open to him. If he isn't abusive, mean, a drunk, etc., then your kids have the right to make their own decision.

Yes, I grew up with a dad. He didn't do doctor's appointments or teacher meetings, but he was around.

Even if he sucks, he is their dad. Do they want a relationship with him? if so, then you have your answer.

To directly answer your question, no, I did not grow up with a dad. However, that really is not the issue you are asking. Your friend is wrong. Just because you have a crappy ex, doesn't mean your kids don't love him and want to see him. So no, you do not "remove" him from their lives. They would likely be devastated. You take him back to court to enforce his parenting time. He does NOT have other things to do on his Saturdays, he has STANDING plans with his kids. In fact, I would make him take them for a full weekend, not just a few hours. Unless of course he is abusive. So no, you do NOT remove him from their lives, you ADD him even more. Good luck.

My parents divorced when I was 7 after 25 years of marriage. My mother forced my dad to spend time with me (few times a month that melted into a few times a year). I wouldn't say he was a big part of my life as a child. I hated the forced get-togethers because I knew they were forced and I felt disconnected to him. I also complained that I had no dad in my life, but my mother would tell me that sometimes I need to accept people for who they are and that I could never use that as an excuse for my own failings. She never re-married. With the hindsight of age, I am able to see his faults, but I am also able to appreciate his good qualities. More importantly, I now realize how strong my mother was and what an excellent role model I had. The irony is that may dad became a big financial support to me when I became an adult. He changed with age and came to appreciate his children as he neared retirement. My dad died of cancer in his early 60s and I appreciate the few forced memories that I have of him as a child. He may have sucked as a dad, but that was the dad I had. I am glad my mom forced those early visits. I truly believe that I would have been resentful of both of them had he not spent any time with me or if my mom refused him access to me. This is just my thoughts and my experience. So, I would whole-heartedly disagree with your friend. Follow your own heart. Your kids will always know the sacrifices you made for them, just like they will always know the ways in which their dad was good and bad.

My Dad was around, but not much. Although my parents remained married until we were all grown my father was very pre-occupied with things other than the family. We always felt he loved us, but he did not give us the time we wanted. We didn't feel like we were high on his priority list.

I agree fully with QueenoftheCastle. If he isn't abusive, mean, a drunk, etc... then your kids have the right to their father.

Life is a journey. My relationship with my Dad wasn't great growing up, but I still had a Dad. That meant something and although there were many things I hated about my Dad, there were many I loved and was proud of about my Dad. When he became elderly we got to know each other better. Talked more. Enjoyed each other more. He finally had time for me.

Mother finally left my Dad but I am very grateful she did not take him away from us when we were young. I loved my Dad very much and miss him now that he is gone. He wasn't the perfect Dad, but he loved me, and he was mine.

If you have a court ordered custody arrangement and visitation scheduled, then you CAN'T take away his visitation with the children. It's illegal.

For what it's worth, since he does see the children on a regular basis even if he does sometimes give up one of his Saturdays, I wouldn't cut off contact. Your children would never forgive you. You can't be the reason that your children don't have any relationship with their father.

My kids are also 12 and 6. The oldest has a close relationship with their Dad but the youngest doesnt. The youngest was only 8 months when we split up. She sees him every other weekend. He did not start taking her every other weekend until she was two. Before that he only saw her once a month. My son is with him a week and then with me a week. He has never been to doctor appts, school meetings, practices, tryouts, dance class etc. He usually does go to plays or awards but thats about it. I have not denied access to the kids. My oldest asks why his sister is not with Dad more. I do not bad mouth him but I dont sugar coat it eithet. I explain that he can see them both as much as he wants but he makes the choice of how much he sees each of them. I realize one day they will both have to deal with his choices diffrently. My daughter sees a counselor at school already and talks about him and her relationships with the counselor. I have been with another man since she was about 18 months old. He was not around them a lot at first because I did not feel it was right to introduce them until I knew he was going to be aroud awhile. My daughter is very close to him and calls both men Dad. I am grateful that he fills this spot for her. I want her to know she is loved.
My son will realize probably when he had his own children, that his dad missed out a lot and will think differently of his Dad. I have accepted that I will be the one to pick up the pieces when they are both confused and hurt by his choices. I dont want to keep them from him because that will cause resentment toward me later in life even if I was trying to protect them.

I grew up with my dad. While he provided financially for the family and we did family things together -- vacations, weekend trips, etc., he was rarely around to play with us on a regular basis.

I think it's important for kids to have a relationship with both sets of parents. And I agree with you that your kids need to come to their own conclusions about their dad. Plus, if you cut their dad out of their lives, they may end up resenting you. I would keep it flexible and let their dad see them if he's willing to. Another thing to keep in mind is that if your custody case ever goes to court for whatever reason, you will look bad before the judge for cutting their father out of your children's lives, putting you at a disadvantage in legal proceedings.

Trust your gut. Let your children have their own relationship with their father. But being the type of person he is from reading your previous posts (he was a live in boyfriend and left you after 11 years for another woman and her child) maybe them not being with him a lot isn't the end of the world.

Some fathers work/travel a lot and mom holds down the fort. You can treat it like that. The problem is your kids are dealing with a very real rejection because he left you AND them. So they need help with that. You can remind them that YOU love them (God loves them), their family, friends, lots of people. Or maybe the list is short. I don't know, but it's a list of people who love them. They are loved, period. Help them to focus on the good. Focus on being grateful for things, instead of being bitter about other things. Focus on positive, shared family experiences - just the 3 of you - the majority of the time you are together. Turn off the TV/computer and go out together.

My father died when I was 4. So I had no male in my life growing up.

I'm married (13 yr old and 9 yr old) and I take my kids to dr. appts. and sometimes DH shows up to teacher meetings, but not all. I'm way more involved than he is (he does go to school plays and sports events). It is irritating, but not much I can do.

Don't let your friend's bitterness and anger get to you. Find constructive ways to deal with this. Find ways to love and support your kids, despite their father's shameful behavior.

Here is a counter horror example. A woman has a child (say that child is 3.5) and has 50/50 custody with the father. Father is remarried and now has 2 younger children. Father and new wife don't allow the daughter to call their real mom "mom" and critique every single thing the mom does. In a way, you having them is good because you (they) don't need to deal with a toxic situation. The typical divorce situation is 2 households, 2 sets of rules, and sometimes that confuses kids or is just a recipe for more nonsense and drama. Or worse, the new wife treats your children badly. Ugh. Nothing is perfect.

A toxic thing some parents do when they separate is bad mouth the other parent. Don't do that. His behavior is obvious to them and will be as they grow up. HOPEFULLY he will change his ways before it's too late.

I'm so sorry you and the children are dealing with this. For me, what helps me is my faith. Praying to God, leaning on Him for guidance. If you can find a Bible Study class in your area, start there. Some Christian churches also have Divorce support groups for children.
https://www.bsfinternational.org/

We were raised by my dad, and had a similar situation with my mom.

She never paid child support, and if my dad chose to do so he could have had her arrested for the amount she owed. She rarely kept us for the full time given to her for visitation. Heck, she left when i was 4, and it was years before I saw her again, and even longer before she bothered with visitation. She was always housing us off on other family members when we did see her, and was just plain a bad mom.

My dad NEVER talked bad about her, and let us go see her every time her visitation came. She never attended a single school play, or even my high school graduation. When she pulled her stupid little stunts, he took us back without complaint. We grew up, and cause of the person she is, none of us have real relationships with her. WE made the decision. As children, a lot of the things she did hurt... But we wanted to be around her.

Now, my mom hated her dad. She let us know exactly why, and made it clear that it was "for us" that we were never allowed to know him. One of my biggest resentments is that we were never allowed to form our own opinion.

I say... Barring an abusive situation, let your kids take the lead. If they want to see him, let them. If they don't, don't force them. Ey are old enough, I think, to make decisions in this matter.

I totally agree with you. Kids will always eventually see their parents for who they really are. I deal with the same stuff and no matter how much of a jerk I think he is I have always tried to encourage my daughter to maintain some sort of relationship with her dad. I don't think we as mothers have the right to define that relationship for them. I have always abided by my court orders for visitation however, now that my child is 12, I think she knows him well enough and has the right to determine for herself if she wants to be with him or not.

Well I grew up with a Dad, so I guess I'm out of the loop, but I just wanted to say, that my opinion has always been that every child deserves to have their dad in their life. I know if dad sucks, that changes everything, but especially for your 12 year old, who is old enough to know that dad isn't consistent in his life, I think that the child should have the opportunity to dump dad out of his life. You don't want your children blaming you in the future, that it was your decision to cut the ties, and they lost out. Kids will do that too. But I am not living in your shoes, so I don't really know all the aspects. If you tried your best, then you have to do what you have to do as long as it is legal.

This is a legal question, as much as an emotional one. Do you have a formal agreement with their dad, regarding his access? If you cut him off, he may enforce one...and you may not be happy with it. Access every other Saturday doesn't sound like much, regardless of how uninvolved he is. What if it changes to every other weekend?

I agree with you. You should always stay a neutral party to your kids and their father. If he is really the SOB you say, they'll figure it out as they get older.
I know I did, and when I was 13 I told him I wasn't coming over to his house anymore. That was that.

I don't think you can simply, arbitrarily cut off the rights of a parent without a court's intervention. But I like what doctor phil says - I'd rather be happy alone than sick together (or something like that) - if his promises and failures regularly make the children miserable, then yes, I think it would better not to have him in their lives. And I grew up with a very involved, loyal father.

I know you want experience (which I don't have, my parents are still married, my hubby & I are married). IMO, let them come to their own conclusions, they'll resent you if you choose for them. Some of my cousins are children of divorce though. All of the mothers let their children decide on their own. 2 of the father's were alcoholics & abusive, so the kids came to their conclusions quickly. The other one was abusive but not in front of the kids (they were 15 months & 4 when their parents divorced, they are now 20 & 23). Their dad bad mouthed their mom (who never said anything about him). They still have contact with him, but not much ~ which they chose. Good luck in this tricky situation!

My ex dropped out after halfway doing visits for 18 months -only brought on by that now ex-wife! *L* It did not matter that I let (my now grown) kids answer the phone and get the mail (so they'd know of any calls/letters), one blamed me for no contact (and was promptly told to go to the darn courthouse and get the paper). I think that one tried to make a go of it w/him after "running away (ha)" to there at 18 - the other kid has apparently decided as they had no time for him, he now has no time for them (guess he remembers all the promises not kept from them).

Funny - he seems to be going pretty good, yet the other no-so-good (made some bad choices).

I am so sorry for your kids, this is a tough issue. Do not punish your children for their dad's flaky behavior. You say they miss him terribly and cry for him. Why would you then completely want to end his visitation? No, what he's doing isn't "right" and he is selfish. Maybe someday he will get it. But your children deserve to have a relationship with their dad, even as limited as it currently is. This is my opinion only, since my dad and mom are still married at 46 years. Good luck.

I grow up with a step-dad. My mother never bad mouth my father either. I simply knew he didn't want anything to do with my life. Kids can pick up on things you wouldn't imagine.

My daughters are growing up with a step-dad. And I'm glad because there bio-dad, never had the time of day for them. Until he realizes they were getting a step-dad, Lol! But in my defense I grow up with a great step-dad, I didn't mind not knowing or visiting my dad like my brother or sister did.

Sometimes it's better to keep things simple, like if you feel it's best to limit his visits to just holidays or special occasion then so be it. Maybe less painful for the kids. I know my girls have never been better without there bio-father. Still doesn't mean he can't visit, he's welcome to but not necessary anymore. :-) Do what is best for your kids and yourself!!! In the end your the one dealing with this on a daily basis.