Toddler That Hits

Yep-terrible 2's!!! And if you don't come up with a line of dissipline now, you'll have pretty much lost the battle later!! Now is a great time to start using the 3 count and time out. She screams because she is upset that you won't let her have the yogurt, that's 1. She hits you because you still say no (or better yet, ignore the screaming), that's 2. She screams or hits again, that's 3 now she gets to sit in time out for 2 mins and the time doesn't start till she is sitting there not throwing a fit. There is no arguing or hitting on your end at all. After enough times of this, you can put her straight into time out for hitting because she knows that is a no no. But telling her never to do that again isn't going to hit home with her at all. Stay firm, stay positive and stay consistant and you'll find yourself getting through this stage a lot easier than what you expected!! A great read (getting the DVD is an added bouns!!) is 1 2 3 magic. It talks about stop behaviours (hitting, screaming, whinning, etc) and start behaviours (cleaning up, going to bed, etc) and how to work with your child on them.

Good luck!!
S.

Redirection. When your toddler starts flailing her arms like she's going to hit your face, put up your hand - give her a target to "high-five."

That was one of the best toddler parenting tips I've ever gotten, because at that age they just aren't going to be able to understand empathy, and that's really the key thing you want to them to get out of it. The whole "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." When they're 2, they just won't be able to understand that, so the point is to redirect them until they ARE sophisticated enough to understand. I have seen mothers talk themselves blue in the face trying to explain, cajole, threaten, even hit or bite back! (Yeah, they actually slap their kids hands WHILE they say "We don't hit people." I've even seen a comedian do it in his stand-up routine.)

And I know a ton of folks will probably say I'm wrong, they will completely "flame" me, and say that these toddlers understand *exactly* what they are doing, that "you better discipline 'em now" yadda yadda yadda. However, if you study early childhood development, if you read scientific research on cognitive development, there ARE specific developmental milestones, and understanding that other people have feelings (basically empathy), is actually fairly sophisticated reasoning and it *does* take *time*. In the meantime, redirect because scolding will just wear you out.

Once the child understands that other people have feelings, that other people don't always feel the same way they do, that what they are doing hurts someone else, etc, etc, THEN they will begin to TRULY UNDERSTAND the lectures. (It's obviously a gradual thing). Until then, don't waste your breath.

And one more thing. Don't fall for the whole "terrible twos" thing, if you believe it's gonna be terrible, it will be. We had "terrific twos" because I believed we could.

Welcome to the toddler years. They don't call it terriable 2 for nothing , they throw fits, scream, hit, bite and pull hair. Most kids don't do all 5 at once but usually a combination. For my son which did not hit for long , my daughter we didn't have the hitting problem, I spanked his hand said we don't hit mommy. and put him down. My daughter bit me once I spanked her on her diaperd bottom and she never did it again. You have to get a handle on it cause 3s are worse than 2s in just about everyway so getting a handle on this now will minimize it then.

Determine the reason for hitting. If it is to get something-teach her the appropriate behavior to get what she wants and never give her the item after she has hit. If she hits to get attention- ignore the behavior and don't give the attention (put her down, walk away etc. If she hits to avoid doing something she does not want to do- don't give in and make her do whatever it is by continuously requesting and guiding her to comply- this teaches her that hitting does not get her out of things she may not want to do but that you need her to do.
I have 3 children and have worked with typical children and children with developmental delays who have problem behavior for 4 years.
Behavior is almost always learned. Even if she hit out of a reaction from being upset the first time(instinct)she will learn to do it more as a way to get items, attention or avoid doing things if it is reinforced. This is why it is so important any problem behavior is not reinforced. Even a look can be reinforcing by the attention it gives the child. And giving a child what they want after they scream, cry, hit, etc is absolutely reinforcing. After all it was effective in getting what they wanted.
There is a ton of information on behavior modification on the internet. It can be done in a loving but firm way and be very effective - even during the terrible two's.

two words....TIME OUT

once a child knows that hitting results in an immediate time out, she will learn to use her words and you can get to the root of the problem. make sure you remind her when she STARTS getting upset that if she hits, it's a time out but she can use her words now.

oh yeah....three more words.... CONSISTANCY and FOLLOW THROUGH

it works and you will get your point across very quicky if you follow it regardless of how much of a pain it is (and it CAN be a pain!)

good luck!!!

Hi M.,

I know a lot of people are not going to agree with me and you might not either, but the very same thing happened to me ONCE, when my daughter was a little younger than yours, not the crying and yelling but she hit me. I hit her back but a little harder and explained to her that she is to never never hit mommy and she has never done it again. She did the same thing with bitting, she bit me ONCE, and I bit her back, she never did it again, nor did she EVER bite anyone else. She never went through the terrible twos. I know that the same thing don't work for everyone, but this worked for me. She is a wonderful, loving, and kind little 9 year old with great manners and a tremendous respect for everyone to include other children. I said this not to brag on my child; but to say to the crictics for what I did, I didn't damage her in any way. God Bless you my sister and I pray that she never does it again.

So normal...yes Virginia there realy are terrible twos. Not all Children go through this but many. They just want to see who is in charge. What you do when they first test will determine how the rest go. NEVER give into those temper tantrums or they will continue. Give in once and your authority is toast! They see one crack in it and they will continue to push. Right now it is almost like you are just a mean Mom and if you are you are doing your job right. You get through the mean Mom stuff sooner if you are consistant. Oh how I hate that word as it is sooooooo hard but sooooooo worth it in the long run!

Sincerely,
K. B

I imagine you've received all kinds of advice on this. I also have a 2 yr. old who hits when he gets mad. The best thing that works for me is to sit him down and talk about appropriate ways to show his anger--by telling me he is angry, by going to his room to cool down, etc.

Don't feel your daughter learned this behavior from someone else, it's innate. The best you can do is help her find positive ways to express and control her anger.

I see you are a working Mother so does she go to day care? Kids learn alot from each other and what they see, and that is not always a good thing. Just reinforce to her that it is not nice to hit and she hurt you and it makes you very sad. Kids usually don't like to disappoint or upset their parents at that age. Repetitive reinforcement will break her of the habit. Maybe talking to her school to see if those things occur there as well will help.

my daughter is 2.5y/o, and i've found that time out really does work in these situations. if you put her in time out when she starts screaming and won't stop when you ask her to, she'll have a chance to calm down before things get to the point where she's hitting. then, after she's calm, you can talk to her about how screaming, hitting, etc is not an appropriate way to get what you want.

i think they sometimes hit out of frustration of not getting their way, not being able to express it any other way...it's a phase. just remind her that it isn't acceptable, and DON'T GIVE IN and give her what she wants after you've said no...she'll just learn that if she tortures you, eventually you'll give in. (my kids are 3, 8, and 11 now, and i have learned that lesson the hard way...they think they can talk me into stuff after i've said no...even though i don't think that i change my mind after i've made it...) good luck!

Don't feel bad--they just do that to express their frustration. My daughter (26mo) is a hitter (only me or the dog, because she knows that hitting the dog gets me really angry). We don't hit at home either and she is an angel otherwise. Just make sure you NEVER let your child get away with it without punishment or it won't get better. I just finished reading Love and Logic and am going to try an implement those discipline tactics soon. It's a good book, makes a lot of sense, and comes highly recommended to me by Mamasource moms and friends--check it out.