Trying to Understand My Husband's Side of Family

I would invite them to come watch the superstar play [sport]. Tell them you need help cheering for him.

The way I see it, my mother is getting there, my mother no longer wants to drive far, unless it is to see someone who can't drive. She doesn't want to drive "all the way over there". As well, from her generation, kids are suppose to call and visit the elders.

I'm a blunt kind of person. If/when they ask "when will you come visit us?" I'd respond with somethin galong the line of "when you stop pushing us to" or "after YOU visit US".

But, like I said. I'm pretty blunt.

The calling is normal. Perhaps, if they have a computer, you can skype-video call them.

I don't see a problem with how often they want to see them. But unless they are so old they CAN'T drive, it's not fair to have it be you ALL THE TIME. That's just not cool. He has commitments. They can come to his games. Start inviting them to all the games.

Schedule them in - every 2 weeks, pick a time/day that works. Have some family time with them. If you make it a SET time, then they WON'T have to ask, it'll just be that you go see them on X and X day each month. They can come to any game, any time outside of that.

I think there is always room for negotiation. The closes we have lived to my in-laws was about 3 hours away. We had 5 kids and travelling to see them was always a production of HUGE magnitude. It was like packing to move and then we had to figure out where everyone was going to stay. It was crazy. BUT my MIL LOVES her grandbabies and they love her. We had to work out in advance that sometimes they would need to come to see us and we would put them up in our house and entertain them in between our visits to their house. I think that's an appropriate solution. If you can't do it, then you can't do it. It's not a matter of willingness but workability. So, suggest that once a month they come see you and come to one of his events and then, if possible on a weekend he doesn't have something going on, you will come see them once a month. That way they get their twice a month and you get your once a month.

How old is your child? When they get in middle school and beyond, it's very hard to work in a four hour trip.

It's pretty unrealistic for your inlaws to expect only one way trips.
You have done well, setting boundaries. If you capitulate all the time, resentment will build. It's already spilling out here. Better to see them once a month, happily, than to explode one day and not see them at all.

You need to just live your life. Is the pressure they put on you verbal?
Are they using FOG, fear, obligation or guilt? It can be very subtle and make you feel like a heal, when all you really want is for them to be REASONABLE. All travel to be yours is not reasonable. Their efforts have left you questioning your own ability to see what's reasonable, that's why you are here. There is a book at your library called, Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward. You would do well to read it.

Good luck.

Is your son their only grandchild? Or do their other grandchildren live far away? They want to be apart of his life. Be glad they are interested. There are lots of stories on here about absent grandparents or those who take no role in their grandchildren's lives. Do your in-laws have any medical or physical problems that prevent them from coming to see you? If not, invite them to visit at your home or to meet you halfway to share a meal and some family time. Provide the schedule for your son's sports activities and have him invite them to attend. If they are not willing to meet you sometimes then I would have their son (your husband) tell them that you are glad they want to be part of his life, but that they have to step up and not depend on just you visiting. Continue to encourage your son to talk to his grandparents once a week. You could also let him spend the night or weekend with them sometime when he does not have a sport activity. Good luck!

Let them know his schedule of events ahead of time. Let him tell him when they call what he has planned for the week and that he really does hope they can come.

Once monthly is not enough time to see a grandparent who is only 2 hours away. Let your husband drive there on every other Sunday morning with your son, while you stay home, wash, and cook.

My ex's parents were all about going to see them but we both worked and by the time we got home and had dinner/spent time with our son it was time to go to bed so we could get up and do it all again. His mother did not work, the dad worked late nightshift. I tried to tell them they could come over for dinner or just come visit us but they couldn't/wouldn't do that. When they did, they wanted us to have dinner at 2-3 pm. Tried to explain to them that we had my parents (who hadn't been together since before I was born), my aunt and uncle (they raised me), and things that we wanted and/or needed to take care of too (clean the house, do the laundry, etc). Plus we were allowed to have some family time or just down time too. Tried to make them understand but they thought I was keeping their son and grandson from them....until we split up and even when their son was staying with them they still rarely saw him and when they did, our son wasn't there because he rarely spent time with him. Then they realized (I think) because I still tried to get my son over to see them just before Christmas and whenever I found myself in their area and always invited them to his birthday parties and other events.

When one has a baby/child, 2 to 4 things can happen:
1) the relatives/in-laws get pushy about it and seeing YOUR child, and then create emotional guilt and issues about it, making it "your" fault. Or,
2) The relatives/in-laws are balanced about it and have respect for your own child/family/spouse.
3) the relatives/in-laws don't even care nor show any "attention" to you/your baby/your spouse and are off doing their own thing for whatever reason.
4) If in-laws/relatives are pushy about having your son, then, you as the Mom, will forever.... be... trying to please them and your son will be stuck in the middle of this timing tug-of-war. Thus, you as the Mom, will forever... be having to... give your son to the In-Laws, even if you don't want to, because you will eventually feel that you have to... or don't have a choice. BUT... you are the Mom. And, you do NOT have to give your son to your In-Laws... per what THEY want.... no matter if they are nice or not nice. Toxic or normal.
You see, this is your son. Not theirs. And many times, a Mom feels like they HAVE TO... give their kid/baby to the In-Laws because the in-laws make it seem like this is how its done. And it is according to them. Not you or your, family. And because, the Mom feels she has to "please" the In-Laws.... and make peace.
And it is NOT what has to be done.

IF and since, your In-Laws are so PUSHY about it and time spend with your son, then is your Husband on the same page as you, about it?
If so, then GOOD.
If not, then, you will be STUCK in the middle of it all. And your own ideas about raising your son/and his routines, will be, usurped.
Then, what about your own family... and their time with your son?
Hopefully, they also get time with your son. If they are nearby.

The thing is: I do not agree, that a Mom has to give an inordinate time to the relative/In-Laws of having her child be with them. Just because, or just because the Mom feels she "owes" them this because they are the Grandparents or just because the in-laws do a lot for you or not.
The bottom line is: when relatives or in-laws, make your own child a bartering object, in who spends more time with him or not, then, it is wrong.
And YES, in the daily lives of a family who has children, it is BUSY. And realistically, you can't all just go visit whenever they, want. And you need to have boundaries. AND your Husband too. And if the in-laws get irked, well too bad.

And when in-laws make a Daughter In Law, feel like she "owes" them this... then that is, wrong.
You do not owe your life to them nor your child's time. And you shouldn't feel that way. AND likewise, for your family... what about their Son In Law? Your Husband? How is that going? Does your family pressure him?

Nice or not, when in-laws or relatives get pushy about your child, you as the parent have to have boundaries.
You either choose, being at their constant whims and requests, or not.
And hopefully, your Husband is on the same page as you.

And, do your in-laws have a computer?
You can all do Skype with them.
And why do you have to call them once a week? Who made that "rule" about it? And why can't your HUSBAND be the one that does so? Why... is all of this... on... You?

With me and my kids, I do not ever... make them feel like they owe all their time, to their relatives. Yes, family is important. BUT if and when family/in-laws are dysfunctional or unfair with their demands, I say so... and I do tell my kids, do not ever... feel guilty like it is their, fault. For their relatives, neediness or emotional comments. It is wrong to make a kid feel that way.
I have some pushy relatives. They can do no wrong, types.
And we do what we can. Per get togethers or not.
And what is financially possible or not.
I have in-laws, that NEVER, will visit us. Even if they can.
Yet Mother In Law, always expects us to bring our kids to her. And she lives in another country. It is financially, nearly impossible for us. And she already has tons of grandkids over there and great grandkids. My Mom, only has, 2 grandkids. My kids. And the In-Laws have never shown any respect to her, in coming to visit, us. But my Mom, and family does a LOT for their... son. My Husband here. They don't get that.
We also always contact the in-laws regularly by phone or Skype and via gift packages. But it is mostly us, making contact. Not them. Even if they are able to.
And we have visited them over there.
But they don't come here even if they can.
It is not fair.
And it gets real old, after awhile.

Your In-Laws "expecting" to see your son every... week. Is really not doable. And you need to tell them.
It just is.

Sorry, but when my kids became old enough to be involved in activities, then that is where they are when there is an activity. My parents are more than welcome to come visit us, or come watch their activities (karate, wrestling, band, etc).

We do go visit them, but now that the kids are more heavily involved in things, it isn't as often as it was when they were small and not in school. It's just the way things are. It's life.
I am not going have my children miss out on a big tournament or expo or concert b/c my parents are begging me to come visit. We can visit another time when the season is over, or school is on break, or whatever.. or my parents can come here. They know that. And they don't expect us to do otherwise.

I was never made to miss an activity (a softball game, a band concert, a parade, a practice, etc) because my grandparents wanted us to come visit. They lived 30 minutes away and didn't do much driving into town AT.ALL. But there was no guilt (that I am aware of). And my brothers never missed baseball, football, basketball or tennis practice or games either. We were committed to certain activities, and we did them.

Things I have to assume because it's not in your post.

Since they want to see kiddo weekly I assume they live within a couple of hours of your home.

Since you prefer every other week I assume they don't live in the same town as your son.

I'd simply tell them they are welcome to see him anytime they want. They just need to get in their car and come see him. Then say that every time they ask.

Maybe they find him less stress than they do with adults. Some people just relate to kids and teens better than with other adults.

I'd be so thankful the want to see him that I'd probably let him visit any time he wanted to. And I'd encourage him to go, so he'd have that close relationship with them. It's rare for kids today to have that familial connection and it's pretty important when the time comes for kids to say no to a lot of stuff like drugs and sex.

What does your husband think?

I would not be willing to drive to them constantly, especially as he gets older, but I would welcome them to our home on a reasonable basis.

Don't let them manipulate you with feelings of guilt. But I would sit with my husband and get his honest views about the best way to handle his parents. And then I'd let him handle most of it with them.

I would strive for peace within the family.

Good luck.

You get to decide how often you go visit them, if it is not enough then let them know they are welcome to come to you. As for how often, I can not really say. Since my boys have been born we have been overseas and lucky if we get to see family every couple of years, so personally I would love to have family close enough to see our boys every week. but in the end, you have to sit down with your husband and figure out what will work best for you (Sunday dinners, or once a month dinners, ect) and then have him discuss your decision with his family.

well the last time I saw my FIL we were in another country, in June. My MIL I have seen twice. My thing is I am busy. I will give you their sport schedule and they can come to a game. Do they? Not really. My daughter's birthday was 2 weeks ago and the day of her party my MIL sent hubby a text saying she was sick and her car was in the shop so she could not go. Last year they never showed up and never gave her a gift. (I am not all people must give my kid gifts but the one exception is grandparents. They always should unless they really cant afford it but that is not the case here.) We were going to have them watch the girls for a few hours the next weekend but on Monday she texted saying she probably would not be feeling well. I mean I get making a back up plan but it was 5 whole days away are you counting on being sick. Let them know you want to spend time with them but ask them to come to you at least half of the time. If it is not possible then they will have to deal with the once a month thing.

I am a grandmother of three and I used to see them all the time. Now the oldest two are in school, scouts, sports, etc. and throw in their dads time and it is hectic for them to get to our house. We now go to their sporting events, school plays, whatever they have going on just so we can see them and hang out. Usually we try to take them out to breakfast/lunch/dinner depending on the time of the activity. Do you email them his sports schedules or other activities where families are invited so they know they are welcome? I think it would be impossible for us to expect to have the kids at our house every week or even every month with how busy they are. In the summer it's a different story and we have them over quite a bit.

I tend to think that if within a healthy family structure, if relatives who nearby want to see for example, my son.. then that is cool with me. I think it's so important to allow kids to get to know extended family. My son calls his grandma every day..... My husband has younger cousins for whom I wished over the years my son could have seen more and bonded with. .but because they had sports and other things they wanted to do, we just never got together much... and now, one is off at college and the other is right behind..
Maybe I think it's best to have families visit more frequently because I come from a broken one... and when you miss out on that growing up, you really can appreciate those families, whom although very busy, put family first..

Try and not see their wanting to visit your son so much as a pain, but rather, WOW.. there are people out there who love him so much that they can't get enough.. allow your son to foster a closer relationship with the inlaws... it's so important that kids be surrounded by such love.. and your inlaws, although might be a pain to you, they do sound loving..

I would add that if it's too far to drive every week.. why not have your son call them every day to check in... that's reasonable... he can tell them about his day... and then maybe once a month, everyone get together for dinner..

wishing you all the best

My in-laws live about that far away as well. We get up there about once a month. It would be great if we could do more often, as we all really enjoy each other's company, but I agree that with that long drive and so many other important things going on in life, that 1 time a month is about as often as we can do it. If they drove down to see us, we could possibly fit in 2x a month.

When your in-laws "push" to see him, can you let go of the woman-guilt (I swear, it is only us women that read everything as "I am doing this wrong! I am not good enough! I should feel guilty!") and look at it as them saying, "We love our grandchild. We want to see him. We can't wait to see him again! We are just making sure you all know this!" rather than "You are depriving us of our grandchild! You do not make enough time for us! You need to adjust your schedule! You don't try hard enough!" (Now, if they are actually SAYING things like my second examples, that is a different story!) But my assumption is that they are loving grandparents that are simply expressing how much they would like to see their grandson in a perfect world where nobody has responsibilities. Let go of the guilt and know you are doing your best and they are not picking at you. Can you respond with, "We love you too and can't wait to see you next month!". repeat as often as necessary?

I also think that 1- absence makes the heart fonder. We really look forward to our once a month visits but if it was more than that we might start seeing it as a chore, and 2-Focus on the visits being quality, not quantity. I think that helps us a lot.

Driving that distance every week is way too much! I'm sorry that your in-laws won't make the effort.

Be kind, but be firm. Don't feel bad about doing what works for you. Would they be able to meet you halfway to have dinner?

I have a hard time with grandparents who only want relationship on THEIR terms. It's their loss because they miss out on so many aspects of their children and grandchildren's lives. I'm so thankful for my parents, who are so wonderful and such a blessing to their grandkids. I hope I am like them someday.

I hope things can change for you! You seem so sweet about your in laws and I hope that they see that in your willingness to open your home to them.

You indicate that your inlaws are young at heart but that isn't the same as being young. I know my husband and his mom both suffer from night blindness, so driving after dark can be tricky.

I also know others with grandchildren that have health issues so driving for 2 hours isn't realistic for them.

Life is short. It is good for children to see sacrifices made. Children must know they are not the center of the world. It is good for them to visit their grandparents as often as possible. It may also be nice for you to extend an offer for the grandparents to spend time with you at your home where you make certain they can get to your home comfortably and back to their home.

All of my grandparents are dead now but I remember growing up with a blind grandmother that would have given anything to spend more time with us in our home but we always went to visit her as often as possible which was probably more than my mom felt comfortable with but she did it anyway.

How can you make it easier for your family to spend more time with your son's grandparents? It may be time to think outside the box because life is very short. My mom died in 2011 and now my son has no maternal grandmother to visit and we miss her dearly but have no regrets.

How does your son feel about it? My sister has had to lay down boundaries for her family. They need family time, too, and spending all day with the ILs was just not going to happen every weekend. How old is he? There is a point at which it is also his relationship to have with them. If he wants to call them, he should. You can also tell them "Well, Kevin is in football and spends a lot of time practicing and at games. If you would like to see him play, here is the schedule. He'd love to see you in the stands."

Two hours is a haul. My mom lives a comparable distance and I cannot always go to her state to visit with DD. Every week would be a lot to ask. She is always welcome here and we trade off visits. We probably see her once every couple of months, though we call and email more often. If she lived closer, I would expect to see her more often. She is younger than my ILs, but she also works FT.

If I were you, I would talk to my husband and if he supports the once a month visit thing, then he should tell them that he appreciates that they want to see their grandson, but it is difficult to see them as often as they want due to family schedules and distance. And reiterate that they can come to you sometimes, too.

Also, if they are young at heart, would they embrace technology? We use Skype often with my SD. We put a laptop at the table and she "joins" us for dinner once in a while. It allows her baby sister to see her and allows us all to interact with her for an hour or so. If that is an option, I would encourage all parties to consider it. It's free and doesn't require driving.

WOW! I would have put a stop to this a long time ago. I think once every three months is plenty!! Especially if they're not willing to come to you! That's just not fair!

You need to have your husband talk to them and explain it's too h*** o* you. I'm a firm believer that the husband should handle his family and the wife handle hers. If they're not willing to back off then you'll just have to be blunt with them and the next time they call say you're not available. No explanation needed!!

Good luck!!

This is really up to your husband to set the limits and make them stick. Once a month is plenty given the distance and the other commitments in your lives. Your husband should make it clear that they are also welcome to come see some of your son's athletic events once a month. I agree that you have let this go on too long. The transition is sure to be bumpy, but the sooner the better.

ALL of our family lives here within 20 minutes. I Totally understand.

If you do not have an active involved teen, it really is different.

The deal is as our children get older and busier, it is time for these grandparents to come to these events. It will be their responsibility to make this effort. How old are these people? My parents tried to attend as much as possible for all 3 grandchildren. They are in their 70's. My inlaws, not at all for our daughter, but they attended some of their grandsons events..

Unless you have had a teen, who takes all honor classes, is active in school activities, church activities, and after school activities, competitions, performances people have NO idea how little time there is in between. And so I suggest the following.

If these family members live in town, send them the schedule for each performance, sporting event, awards ceremony, and driving opportunities for these relatives to help with, to volunteer at, or to at least attend.

Teach your child to also send out emails encouraging these enthusiastic relatives to attend. If a grandchild asked my mother and her husband, or my father and his wife, they were there.

Then have these children acknowledge their relatives after these events or during these events if possible. Example, my nephew was in sports all year round. He would look for us family members and right after the game, he would run to us on the way to the locker room, bus, whatever to hug us and thank us for being there and tell us, "love you, thank you Aunt L.. "

There are so many opportunities for grandparents to volunteer at these schools and after school activities. At our neighborhood schools a lot of the grandparents are members of the PTA and are regular volunteers. The teachers and Administrators, get to meet our extended family members.

Put this on them. They are the ones that are retired and have time to attend these things.

And no our children are not over scheduled, they are able to maintain high GPAs get plenty of sleep and end up as great planners, schedulers and extremely organized, college ends up being a breeze for them.

My kids see my MIL 2-3 times a week on average, sometimes less. Right now we've had septic issue's (getting fixed today thank god!), and my kids have been there for 2 days, my house is way to quite and I am bored!

Anyhoo, we always make time, have time, for them to spend time with her. I feel that extended family, when not harmful, is very important. It's what gives children a view into the past, who they come from, the people who have shaped who their father is, just as their dad is shaping them, and that goes for you and your side.

I also ask "What example do I want to set for my kids?". I'd be heart broken only seeing my kids, and future grandkids every once in a blue moon. Thankfully that hasn't happened, they come over at least once a week, sometimes more. They've been raised with a strong belief in family, even for their significant others family.

If they live that far away ,the answer would be no. We live 3 1/2 hours from my family, 1/2 an hour from my husband's family. And yet somehow we see my family more often, because we make the effort. His family is like, we should get together and then never does. If we lived as close to my family as we do to his, we'd be at each other's houses all weekend. But that's how my family is. His is more "do your own thing."

That being said, my family is kind of mad that I'm not coming down this weekend since we're doing Thanksgiving with his family this year, but I'm pregnant and in the extreme morning sickness phase where looking at food makes me throw up, and I'm not going to exhaust myself going down for one day and not even be able to eat anything.

You've put up with this a very, very long time. I don't know how old your son is, but if he's in school and athletics, then this has been going on for years. I guess I wonder why you finally have had enough. You really should have put your foot down long ago.

I would ratchet it down to every OTHER weekend at first. Your husband needs to do the driving - not you. I would have your husband take him after church if you are a churchgoing family. It's not a lot of time, but it will have to do. At some point, I'd move it to every 3 weekends. If they want more, then they should drive down to see you, spend the night so that they won't be driving in the dark, and keep it to once a month. That way, they'll see your son twice a month, and split the driving. That should be better than every 3 weeks to them...

Like SH says, you don't owe them your son. He's your son, not theirs. If they want to see him more often, they need to get in the car and drive to you some.

You don't say how old your son is. Is he the first grandchild?

Talk with your husband and together let his parents know that you will see them every ___ months.

Stop letting them guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. I certainly would not be traveling all the time to their house. I know how the traffic in Jersey can be as I was born there. You are located from your post on the busiest side of the state with the Turnpike, Parkway and 287.

Family is great but sometimes they can become overbearing.

I wish I could be nearer to my grandson but it is what it is. We are all busy in our daily lives and we live a state away which is 6 hours one way to get there.

the other S.