"Unable to Bond with My Son"

Hi N.,

I know boys are so different from girls that sometimes we don't connect w/ them. When my son (now 9) was younger (and I was less "seasoned"), he sucked the life out of me, too. Despite how much I adored him, he was extremely difficult and completely zapped me of energy.

What I found is that it was "I" who was out of balance. I wasn't eating right or sleeping right. Once I was able to bring my body back into balance, I found I was better equipped to handle my very different child.

Both of us are now very well-adjusted individuals. I respect and love him and he respects and loves me.

You are welcome to call me for diet and lifestyle assistance; but I also recommend seeing a counselor who specializes in children and families. My best referral is "Tony Hembre-Kegin". She is a wonderful lady who is very good with children.

Hi N.! Wow!!! I can help you with that if you really want me to help you with that PLEASE, PLEASE see someone about it soon because i have gone through it, my mom never bonded with me and it was really hard for me and its still painfull im 46 years old and never really had a mom...she did'nt even bond with my neices please get some help!!!!!!!!!!!

best wishes "L. W"

Dear N.,
I really ampathize with you. First of all, I think you are a big person for being able to admit these feelings. Of course, anyone feeling this way would feel confused and (maybe even a little frightened). Please don't think "getting out" of your marriage is the way out. I think it would be helpful to talk to a Pastor and get a biblical view--or a Christian counselor (woman only please)who can guide you through these feelings and emotions. You are not a bad person--and I think admitting these feelings is the first step in healing. You may just need sometime to yourself. Please look up counselors and get help as soon as possible! Also, have you been treated for the PPD? Sometimes our hormones really mess with our minds and emotions. You may want to get a complete physical and talk to your medical doctor too. Please don't make any decisions before speaking with a doctor and counselor.
Wishing you the best. God bless!
K.

You're so young to have 2 children to be responsible for. I was a young mother as well. I'm sure when you look around most of your friends are just getting out of college, starting careers and very focused on themselves. Which is very natural for young adults this age. When I was your age I had a son and a daughter just like you. I was a stay at home mom as well, and although I loved my children I felt a strong need to be accomplishing something separate from my family life. So I did just that. I had a part time, in home sales job and made a little money but more importantly, received lot's of recognition for what I did. This is what I valued most! Being a stay at home mom is a hard and often thankless job, unless you have an extra special man that constantly shows you how much he appreciates what you do.

The easy thing to do would be to walk away. Unfortunately if you do, this will have a life long effect on your children. By the time I was 27, I was a single mother of 3 and I worked tirelessly to care of myself and my children. It was the most stressful time of my life! But now, my children are grown and we share so much! We are all best friends and they are now parents themselves. And although I ws far from the perfect mother, my children always knew they were loved. And this kind of love gives them the strength and confidence to be happy and productive adults.

Don't do something on a whim that you would regret later. My first advice would be to talk to a professional about your feelings. There are wonderful counselors out there that can help you.

Reach out to your family if you have a supportive one. Or find a local support group for young mothers. I think you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone and there are others that have similar struggles.

Take care of yourself FIRST!!!! I cannot stress this enough! If you are not healthy emotionally and physically, you will have a hard time taking care of your family and yourself. And it is NOT selfish for you to have time for yourself only, to do what you need to do to accomplish this. Make sure you eat healthy as this can have a large impact on your emotional health. If you eliminate junk food and processed foods and eat healthy whole foods this can make a world of difference in your emotional well being. Find a good nutritionist or utilize the internet. And exercise is critical to your emotional health as well. My favorite, that can easily be done at home, is rebounding on a mini trampoline. I have been rebounding since my early 20's. Just put on your favorite CD and bounce away to the music! Have a little fun with it!

I was so fortunate to have loving and supportive parents and family when I was young. Otherwise I don't know what I would have done. Many are not so lucky. I don't know if you are or not. But just the fact that you are part of this group and have truthfully stated your situation shows that you are an honest and forthright young woman! Your family is fortunate to have you!

As for you and your son, take some alone time with him. With no distractions from the baby. Even if it is just a walk through the neighborhood (your husband can stay home with the baby) on a rock hunt (little boys like that kind of stuff). Or going to his room just the two of you, to read a book. It may not work out with your husband, but please don't let go of your precious children. And don't give up on yourself. Keep reaching out to others and you will find the help you need! I wish you the very best!!

Wow! From my perspective, I see that you are a very young woman, who perhaps was not ready to start a family or settle down. Sometimes when we get married young, we haven't had a chance to 'grow-up' I know this from experience. I was married when I was 21 and had my son when I was 23. It took us a year to get pregnant and I thank God everyday for that year he had us 'wait' We were not mentally or emotionally prepared to be parents, but when we did get pregnant we completely and totally felt ready.

I, too, had post partum depression, but with both pregnancies. I think that you should see your doctor and talk to them about medication. Although you might not think you have PPD this time around, you may still have it. These feelings that you are expressing are very similar to those that I have had. My daughter is almost three and I still have some issues with depression every now and then. Please seek help, for your son's sake and your families. I only found it took me longer to bond with my children when they were first born. I have never experienced a lack of bond with an older child. I do have friends and family that have and they have said they just had to make the time to do something fun-ALONE-with their older child. It is hard to treat your children as equals at times, but you have to remember that you brought them into this world and it is your responsibility to love, nurture, protect and care for them. A home is supposed to be a place where they feel safe and loved and they are protected from the world around them.

Once again please seek the advice of a doctor, counselor or psychologist. They can point you in the right direction. Happiness does not come from others, it comes from within. You need to tell yourself that you are worthy, special, loved and valuable before you expect that from anyone else. Best wishes!

Hello N.!!
Wow, you have received some FANTASTIC advice on here so far. I was reading through the suggestions and I think it's pretty clear that everyone (including me) thinks taht you need to seek counseling IMMEDIATELY. Counseling will only help- at this point it might be the only thing. The advice about going to a marriage seminar with your husband was good as well.
Audrey had said that you should go through the motions and ACT like you love your son- shower him with love and focus on acting out as much love as you possibly can whether you feel like it or not. This is incredible advice!! Not only will this possibly trigger that feeling toward him in yourself, but it will start to make him feel nurtured and loved- something that he probably does not feel right now. You need to do anything in your power to lay a foundation of security, happiness, and acceptance. Without that foundation, your son is going to struggle in life with commitment, peer pressure, and meaningful relationships. Someone also said that you may be projecting your frustrations with your husband on him because he's a boy or because you have anger toward men. You may also feel resentful toward him for coming when you were so young.
Hang in there, Sweetie. Seek help and take Audrey's advice about going through the motions of love. While you are waiting for the counseling to help you work through some major issues, showering your son with love could only help.
Feel free to call if you need someone to talk to. Just send me a message and I'd be glad to send you my phone number. Also, if you live in the albuquerque area, we could get together. I have a 2 year old boy and a 7 month old boy. I have healthy relationships with both of my sons and it would be great to surround yourself with moms that have healthy bonds with their children. Good luck.
L.

N.,

Please go to a good doctor and have your hormone levels checked. I think many times we blame ourselves for things that are out of our control. I noticed that when I had my second child, I suddenly became a ----witch. I studied and found out that the feeling of well-being when you are pregnant has a lot to do with the hormone progesterone. As the pregnancy progresses, the placenta itself begins to produce much of the progesterone in the body. So when you have the baby--boom, your progesterone level plummets when you no longer have the placenta around to produce it. I'll bet that most cases of PPD are caused by this easily correctable change. If your happiness improved when you got pregnant again, I will bet you that the progesterone level finally getting back up where it needs to be has a lot to do with it. I started using a simple natural progesterone cream from the health food store and whammo--no more witch. I know your son is older, and I also know that I think Nature intends mamas to obsess a bit about the new baby. Newborns are little and fragile, and require that level of care that mamas can give just to survive, so I think a little less tolerance of older children's antics is natural. But just deciding that you are defective is not helpful--really. There's new studies out proving that if something interferes with the hormones after birth, that it interferes with normal bonding--in other words, it's very likely got nothing to do with your capabilities as a mom. Please, please talk to a naturopathic doctor, or at least go to the health food store and get some progesterone cream. Even if you think you're fine now, just give it a try. I know how irrational I felt after the birth of my daughter, and once the hormones were balanced--life made sense again--heck, I even liked my husband again! Good Luck!

N. -

I think it is perfectly normal to have a shift in your feelings after your baby is born. I felt a great deal of resentment toward both my children when my son was born a year ago. I felt like I couldn't be what either one of them needed me to be. I couldn't devote time to my oldest because I was caring for the baby, and I couldn't devote time to my baby because the oldest needed my attention. In all of that, I felt like I NEVER was able to take time for myself, which made it seem so much harder.

It's also completely normal to miss your life before your kids. I went through a period of mourning when I became a mom. I really missed not being able to do the things I wanted to do. Sometimes, I still miss that freedom. It will come again. Remember that childhood is a brief time. Your opportunity to be yourself will come again.

The one thing that made a difference was talking with my OB. Seems that it's a common symptom of PPD. PPD doesn't always mean that you have trouble bonding with your baby. Sometimes it means that your life is overwhelming or too hard or too frustrating.

If you feel comfortable, talk with your OB and see if maybe you are having some PPD this time, too. It can start anytime from two weeks to a year after birth, so it's completely possible.

If you're not comfortable with your OB, I'd suggest talking with a doctor you trust - even your pediatrician! They can help you sort out whether or not you have PPD.

I wish you all the best. I know that being a mom is more difficult than we ever imagined. I think that all your feelings are perfectly normal, but if they are starting to bother you or your family, then it's time to get some help.

Abundant blessings,

L.

First and foremost you cannot put all of this added pressure on yourself. You are too young to be so h*** o* yourself. From a person who has learned to stop blaming myself and worrying about what is best for others I have a few suggestions. I was never one for "seeing a therapist" until I had a nervous breakdown at 25. Then I still didn't want to see any type of person who would analyze me and diagnois me with something. I just wanted to talk. To talk to someone with an unbiased opinion and just help me make the decisions that were best for me. I found the PERFECT person. She is a Master Social Worker. Nothing medical about it. She literally is like having an unbiased friend who is actually more concerned about you and not what others need or want. She is AMAZING!! She accepts most insurances too. She never tried to diagnois me with anything or make me seek medical help. She just listened and together we figured my life out.

Secondly-this is the one thing that every stay at mom never wants to hear, but I have seen it first hand. Not everyone was meant to stay at home with their children. It takes a lot out of you as a person. Your roles become confused. I know my husband and I struggle with it all the time. Most of the time you just feel like "MOM" and not a "Wife". In order to be able to be your best you need to be confident in all your roles in life. It's extremely hard for Dads/Husbands to remember that we are still their wives even tho we stay home and are Moms. It's also not fair for your husband to just throw in the towel and tell you that it might be better if you left. It's not just you, I promise! It took my husband coming to some of my sessions with the social worker to realize what was really going on. They don't think-they just want to fix, and they go for the quickest fix possible. It may not be what they want necessarily, but they just need it fixed.

As for your son-take the time to spend time alone with him. You need to get back to the time when you were his mommy too, and noone else mattered. Also you mentioned that he used to be in daycare. Maybe he needs a preschool part of the day. Being home all day might be h*** o* him too. Also having a new baby is hard for him. He might just want his mommy back to himself. Give him some of that time. Just you and him, AND some time with just you, your husband, and him. That's the only thing he knew for 3 years. Just something to remind him he is special-it might help you remember how special he is too!

I hope this helps-even if it's just a little. First and foremost take care of yourself, and everything will seem to fall into place. It's gonna be work and gonna be hard but you can do it!

Dear N.,
as many before, I will tell you the same: I very much feel for you, the situation you are in and I see the need of your children and your family for you to overcome, whatever is at the origin of your PPD and your lack of being able to bond with your first child. My professional background is in therapy, originally trained as an MD, I work as a Spiritual Hands-on Healer today. Much of the work I do implies working with the "imprints of life" we all carry. In my work I hold people, I have to move them, rock them, cradle them - I help them release traumatic memory, which is stored in our bodies. What comes to the light, too, are how our own parents and original family leaves the greatest "imprints" on us. We many times unconsciously replicate what we have lived (and survived) in our own original family. When we desire a child, many times, unconsciously, we are driven by the wish to be taken care of , just like the child we bear and then have in our arms. To be taken care of in a way we may not have experienced ourselves. We are then overwhelmed with having to be a parent and many times have chosen partners, who may not be in the position neither to be a mature parent.
Yet it is for our children and our own sake that we need to grow and understand, what causes our troubles. Something I dearly recommend my clients after we have done "our" work, which reveals so much about the patterns in the family we came from, is to search a therapist, who does Hellinger-Family-Constellation work, preferably on a one-on-one basis. Maybe you can find one near you through the internet by googling the keyword. If you lived close to Sedona, AZ - I could recommend you somebody here.
Please search help ASAP and my deepest respect for you to step out and be so honest with yourself Much Love K.

Hi N.,

I didn't read the other responses so I don't know what the other moms told (boy were there a lot! lol)... But I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I don't know if it's because I had a preconceived notion or idea as to how being a wife and mother was going to be, or if it's because I got married so fast and had my first baby so young (I'm 23 as well)... But I know exactly how you feel. After I had my son, I had horrible PPD that lasted a long time. It was the worst thing I've ever gone through. I'm still dealing with depression from it now (my son's almost 2 now). I, too, have felt a LOT that I just want to run away from it all and that I don't want to be a mom or a wife anymore. I have a hard time playing with and enjoying my son too - it's like I have to force myself to do it. I don't really have any advice to give you, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. It's nice to hear that other people go through this too because you can feel so alone in these feelings, you know? All you usually hear about is women that just love their husbands, love their kids, can't wait to have more, and seem so content and happy with being a mom and a wife. I just don't feel that way a lot of times.

One thing that my husband suggested (after he found out I've felt this way) was that I figure out some things to get involved in that are just for me and me only. I haven't quite figured out what that will be, but I really think it will help... Even getting a job, or working it out so that I have "me" time a few times a week or even every day or something like that... That's what I'm planning on trying. I feel like by becoming a wife and mother, I've lost myself. So I want to try to find myself again and finally feel like a person.

Anyway, good luck...to both of us! My heart goes out to you.
And if you ever want to talk, please send me a message!

C.

Dear N.,
Being a mother is the most wonderful gift and challenge all at the same time. These children where given to you for a reason. Your spouse was also given to you for a reason. Now the two types of relationships are totally different. If you and your husband cannot work things out in due time, you may have to do what is best for you. However, it would be another story to completely leave your children. It sounds like you may not be happy right now where you are in your life, but you are so young and have many good years ahead of you. The first thing I would recommend is journaling and thinking about what you really need in your life to make you happy, while still in the current situation... for example, more time to yourself, a night with just girlfriends each week, date night with your husband to rekindle your relationship, anything!!! The thing you always have to remember is leaving may seem like what will make you happy, but it may have little to do with whether or not you are happy or not. Do you have a close friend to talk to with problems? This always helps so much if they really care about you and don't just bash your husband, family etc...someone who just listens to you and tries to help you in a loving way.
I am a mother of two and was married at 21 and now approaching 30. My children are 3 and 7 months. My husband and I were very young in many ways when we first were married and struggled many times, but we have worked through many times and in the past few years I have learned that many of my low times had little to do with him and more to do with myself. I also had to learn what made me happy, so that I could be a better person and also a better wife. We still have fights, but what I honestly learned was that even if I left this relationship, I would probably end up in the same place with someone else (my grandpa always said, "no matter where you go there you are.")and now that I am a mother the challenge would be incredibly worse, because I would not have my children. Honestly, I know life may not have a lot of reason sometimes, but hang in there and be the best person you can be to yourself, so that you can do it for others as well. I am not a religious person, but very spiritual and I often pray that God connect my heart and my husbands hearts so that we can continue to love each other and take care of one another and raise our kids in a positive, loving household. If you have problems with your bond to your son, maybe praying that your hearts be connects on a better level as well may work. On a personal note, my brother was a challenging child. My parents did the best they could to love him and give him everything he needed, but to this day they are not very close. Just because we are biologically connected, it doesn't mean have personalities that are connected. I know my husband and looked up our astrology signs and our kids signs too. There are lots of free websites that tell about signs and character traits and so many of them are so true. There are also personality profiles online. Either can help with possibly understanding yourself and your relations with others.

Well if nothing else, take it easy on yourself. It takes a lot to be a wife & mother, more than I ever thought!!! Take your time in the decisions you make, so that you won't have a life of regrets. Take care! C.

I would suggest therapy to help you work out what you are feeling.

Dear N.,
Your story is very sad to me. It is hard to be a mother. Often this is compounded by details that we are not aware of like hormones. In addition, you are really young. I didn't get married until I was twenty six. I had my first child at twenty eight. I lived a lot during my twenties.

Sometimes it is just getting through the day that helps. Maybe you have too much time to think. It might help to get out with friends. You may find out that we all struggle to some degree or another. There is some sense of joy in the understanding that this is hard and we all struggle.

Good luck to you,

J. O

You really should find a therapist to help you through this for your son's sake.
Maybe the therapist that helped you through your ppd before since he/she knows your history.

I don't know much about PPD, but it sounds like you may be experiencing it again. Please get some professional help before your family falls apart.

N. dear...what a time you are going through. I've been there myself. Sometimes I still go through it. After I had my son (my first and only at this time), I went through PPD, without any help. I was frustrated,scared,feeling trapped, and all I could think about was being 'free' again. It took a year before I started feeling any kind of relief from PPD. Still not totally gone either. Sometimes my depression creeps up in me. Having these feelings and the "GUILT" for having them is so overwhelming. We think it's best that our children and husband will be better off without us because the guilt behind all of these feelings is telling you that is your punishment; to leave that is.
You need to find some "me" time. And you need to find some qualitiy time with your husband. And also, your little boy needs some quality time with you. He feels what you do. He knows how frustrated you are with him, and he doesn't understand. So he acts out his feelings. Which are annoying you. I know you love your son. The love is there. It's just blocked by the PPD and all the feelings that go with it. I encourage you to get some counseling because that will help in dealing with all of these feelings. Please try not to feel guilty. I believe all parents go through this. Even the daddy's. Don't give up. Never give up. You can and will conquer these feelings and you will find yourself again and the love you feel for your son. There is nothing wrong in asking for help, and it is very and I mean VERY courageous of you to come on here on MamaSource and expose your feelings like this. Some Moms, like me, don't have the courage. They just deal with it without talking about it. If you need a cyber friend, or possibly a friend to lean on, confide in, vent to, cry with... please don't hesitate to email me. I would love to be there for you. Remember..your children love you unconditionally. You are forgiven by them for having these feelings. Please forgive yourself. Seek some professional help. Talk with your husband more about how you feel and that you feel as though you need some counseling to help you deal with this.
I have a three year old boy too. May be we can have a playdate and we can talk? Let me know. I always have room for another friend. :-) Take care, and best wishes for you and your family.

Hi N.,

I want to offer a little support here. I had very intense PPD with my son as well. I know how devastating it is. And I too had to work through feelings of resentment toward my son and the regret of ever having him. My heart weeps for the sadness that your boy must feel, knowing that you have these feelings toward him. The truth of the matter is that your feelings have NOTHING to do with your son and everything to do with the intense pain you went through with ppd. Please. I IMPLORE you to get intensive counseling around this. I did and am now madly in love with my son.
You have got to take real responsibility here. You are the adult. He is an innocent child. The fact that you're even asking about this shows me that you really care about him and don't want to hurt him anymore. You can find a therapist who will understand your particular situation through the Postpartum International website. You cannot go back to not having children. They are yours now and you need to work through the ugly emotions that have come up since having them. It was your choice. Now you must find support to find peace in the life that you chose.

As far as your husband goes....you two probably would do well to get into counseling together, perhaps after you have had some on your own for a while.

I say all of this as someone who truly knows what you feel and deeply wants you to heal from it. Best of luck to you. Keep working hard toward the deepest truth you can find. You CAN do it.

Have you seen a doctor about this? It sounds like depression is affecting your life severely. I'd see a doctor or therapist if you can, to see if a prescription and/or counseling could help you sort through your feelings.

You need to go and speak with a counselor/psycologist that can help you sort out your feelings. This little boy and little girl need a mother and one that loves them both. I know what you are saying you feel is true but if you get the help you need you will find that you probably love your son more than your daughter you just don't know how to show it. I really urge you to get some mental help my sister was in the same situation and is doing much much better now that she has had counseling.

Hey sweetie!
Admitting there is a problem is always the hardest part of facing the problem and attending to it.
You are more than 1/2 way there!!!
Couple of things - you say you had PPD - did you treat it? Are you still treating it?
I would suggest a few things;
1. you need a professional to talk to- you may decide your feelings regarding your husband can be worked through or not but you need good sound support as you work through it
2. you need to find something that you like doing with your son.
one thing, for 5 or 15 minutes, that is about him. and again you need to be talking to a professional about how you feel about time with your son.
3. you need some time to take care of yourself. What do you like? something by yourself or with other women doesn't matter as long as it isn't about your kids.
I really hope you will seek good professional help...
Hugs! and best wishes!

N.- So many things went through my mind when I read your entry. What I keep coming back to is that you really, really, should seek the help of an experienced and professional therapist to help you through this. I am afraid that you will get bad advice from many people who hear about or read your story. It would be awful if you took some bad advice that ended up hurting you and your family. You owe it to yourself and to your son, especially, to seek out a good, qualified therapist. I may be able to give you some names, I am a social worker and know many therapists. Some therapists will work with you on a sliding fee scale if finances are an issue! I will send you a private message. Before your son is very damaged from this and you too, please get some professional help. I can guarantee that he will have serious problems in the future if you guys do not deal with these issues. I am NOT judging you at all, you obviously have lots of guilt over this. You just need some real support that non-professionals will not be able to give you. There are issues underlying all of this that you need help to bring up and deal with. Good Luck!!

It sounds like you have more than one thing going on right now. Not an easy fix. I have felt the same way about my son at times. He's 7 and I still get that feeling when he is really needy for my attention. But his IS the sweetest boy. The bottom line for me was to figure out that KIDS NEED US. That it was me being emotionally unavailable or busy with life that made him annoying. Not him. He is just a kid who needs a little Mom time. I started trying to find even 5 minutes a day...gritting my teeth sometimes...to sit with him and really focus on him or what he wanted to do and it made all the difference. He needs me less when I give him that one on one time. I have filled his need to feel loved. Isn't that what we are all after? It's hard when you have a baby too, because you have spent all your nurturing energy on that child, which is extremely bonding. Then when you have someone else demanding your attention, you just don't feel like you have the energy to give it. You're tapped out. So don't equate your inability to give more to you not loving your son. It sounds like you do have PPD. It skews everything around you. I have gone through it myself and it's hard to see things clearly until you are out of it, or on your way out. The thing that helped me the most was going to a counselor/therapist. They can help you realize that not everything is your fault and how to improve how you view your relationships with kids and spouse. I don't know your whole situation but leaving you spouse and kids may not bring you happiness. It may feel that way because you don't know what else to do, and so you want to escape. You do need to escape, just in a different and more productive way. More productive for you and your kids. You DO need to think of yourself in getting well, but you can't forget that you have a responsibility to think of your kids wellbing as well. They need a mom in their life even if she's not well, its still better than no mom.

I don't want to sound too preachy, because I can only say this from experience. I have felt my husband and kids would be better off without me, too. It's the depression talking, NOT YOU. Happiness comes from getting yourself well, not running.

You sound like you DO care about your family and you just need to know what to do. I hope you find it.

-J.

Hi N.,
I had a similar experience with one of my sons. I can only tell you that I realized I needed to pray. I asked God to please help me feel love for my son and to help me see things I could love about him. I started seeing things( sense of humor, gentle, thoughtful to others,forgiving of me, etc.) and wrote them down so that everytime he bugged me, I could look at what I wrote. Remember to be patient. It's okay if it takes time even years, as long as you keep on that path, it will come. I kept telling myself that this child was sent to me to teach me and help me become a better person. He is now 13 and though he still bugs me at times(being a teenager), I do love him for all that he is and I am grateful for what he continues to teach me. Also, don't worry about those feelings of resentment...I had them too and longed to go back to my carefree life before kids. It was the death of my 2 year-old duaghter (Leukemia) that taught me that my life before kids was not as meaningful as I thought it was. To actually have a life dependant on you for everything is an overwhelming responsibility and yet life's greatest blessing in retrospect. Embrace your motherhood, even if you don't feel like it. This is your journey..tell yourself outloud that you love where you are and soon you will believe it! The sooner you do the more joy you will bring to your family and yourself. Good luck and take care!

You don't mention if you sought professional help with your depression. If you did not, I urge you to do so quickly. Perhaps because your first child is a boy, you project your feelings about your husband and being tied down onto him. You feel trapped and needed too much by males. Just a guess. Why are you staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy? Worried about what others think? What about how your husband and son feel, knowing that you don't want to be there and enjoy being wife and mother? It is not fair to them. It sounds as if having PPD caused an interruption in the bonding process with your son. Seek counseling before you make any rash decisions and see a physician to make sure your hormone levels are where they are supposed to be. Another idea might be to get a part time job so that you can go out and be someone other than mom and wife and have an identity you can call your own. Not every mother is meant to stay home full time and there is no shame to be felt in working outside the home. Talk with your husband and take some steps in decision making before your little boy is irreparably psychologically harmed.

Hi N.
It seems like you continue to have ppd, are you currently seeking counseling and seeing your general doctor to make sure you are not lacking any vitamins?. Make sure you are healthy first, then make sure you seek help out side the house if you are not already doing that. I kind of went thru what you just mentioned with my last baby and by the time I came to my sences and felt normal again. I had given up my marriage. Now I'm single raising my children and I'm happy but will always be sorry for destroying my marriange. I did not understand what I was going thru, I did not know or did not want to know that I could seek help and counseling. Your feeling might not have any grounds, it might just be your emotions out of control lying and manipulating you and your thoughts. It is very important that you make an extra effort to love you son. He does not have anything to do with how you are doing emotionally and he is having to pay for a situation that he never asked to be in. You as a young adult must make a decision to love,protect and care for him regardles of your feeling. He is only 3yrs and If your behavior does not change towards him, you will raise an insecure little boy. You are very young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Leaving your family will not solve anything for you or your kids. Your kids need YOU, not any one else. They were created and designed by you and your husband (A BIG gift from GOD, to both of you)Do not give up on that GIFT. Look for a church that has a care group that you can join. If you are in Gilbert call me ###-###-#### My name is B. and I am more than happy to help you find some type of community that would embrace you and your family and love on you. Please don't leave your marriage. It is a big commitment but if you alow other to help you, it makes things easier and you learn new way to look at life. I will pray for you and hope that you call me. I would love to baby sit so that you have some free time with your husband. Sometime that is a big help in a marriange. Let me know.

I am sorry for your situation. It does sound as though you do have an idea of why. The chemical imbalance after having your son sent you spiraling down. You need to remember its not your sons fault at all. I would hope someone has put you on some antidepressants and you should speak to a counselor. I dont say this lighlty. I am all about trying to do things the natural way and avoiding drugs but sometimes things get so serious you need to go that route. Its sounds like you have a wonderful little family there that with some care and help with be a happy family one day. The grass is never greener its always easier and healthier to fix your situation then end it and just start somewhere else and bring your problems along with you. Try and put yourself in your sons shoes and look at life through his eyes. He Loves his mommy. We all have felt helpless at times. Its hard and tiring when the kids are small. My are 12 and 14 now. It s lot of fun when they are older and you can do more, get out of the house without a 20 minute ordeal of baby bags and snacks. Now its lets go and we are off. It will get better I promise but please go get help for everyones sake. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sweetheart, I can't even imagine how hard this all must be for you. It sounds like you were raised right, with all the values of family and all. However it sounds like you started your family before you were ready for it. While it sounds very cruel, your son came before you were prepared and then the depression did not help. The bonding time is crucial, but it is never too late. I will say that my husbands ex-wife walked out on him and his two sons, then came back into the boys lives seven years later. The boys had a hard time adjusting to it and the oldest one can not stand to be around her for very long. Nobody can make decisions for you, but my advice would be to try to stick it out and see about getting some counseling. Make some special time to spend with your son alone and try to bond with him. And I am not trying to sound all weird or anything here, but I have always found prayer to be very helpful. Ask the lord to help and guide you and you can't go wrong. I would be happy to talk any time.

Hello,

First, I just wanted to tell you that I believe that you are a strong and wonderful woman. It is not easy being a mother, especially in this day and age. It is also a hard thing to admit to any weaknesses. Just remember why you wanted to have children and that you can overcome this problem.

I must agree with the previous response and recommend prayer as well. Another avenue that you can try at the same time is conseling. Prayer is not something that everyone believes in (though I very much do) and counseling is a great way to help you figure out why you are feeling/acting the way that you do. I did not have PPD, but I did have a hard time with my feelings and actions concerning my firstborn (a boy) once my daughter was born. I noticed that I was feeling/acting the same way with him as you are with yours. My son was 3, soon to turn 4 when my daughter was born. He is now 7, going on 8, and we are much better now. My daughter is a very percocious 3 year old now and I enjoy her just as much now as I did the day she was born.

I have also had feelings of wanting to walk away from it all. Even though those feelings are not as strong (or are around as much), they still crop up from time to time, especially when I am having a really stressful time. As far as your husband's view, I must admit that my husband did not do the same. I do know that his suggesting for you to leave is not helping the situation. Hopefully, if he sees you doing something to try and change, it will help him to support you instead of tear you down.

I just want you to know that you are not alone in these feelings and that they are also possible to overcome. This is not an easy life and there are many obstacles that we as mothers have to overcome while still trying to raise good children. No matter what, stay strong and true to yourself and remember that God loves you no matter what. Find the good in each day, each momement, no matter how small it may seem. This too, will help you to turn things around. I cannot promise that this will be quick or easy, but I can promise you that you can overcome this if you want to.

With much love and empathy,

A. K.

it sounds like there is ALOT going on here besides you and your son. the heart of every relationship in your family beats with the heartbeat of your relationship with your husband.
since you asked, i think you owe it to both your kids (especially your son) to get some counseling with your husband before you just give up and leave. it's really not the easy way out and it causes more problems than it solves... long term big time issues for everybody.
is there a counselor you'd trust to help you?

Hi,
I am a 30 year old mother of 6. My children are ages 16, 10,9,7,2,and 18 months. I'm not sure why, but I have felt strongly about adoption... I can obviously have children. Lol
I have been looking into adoption for the past few years.... I originally paid for a home-study and went through an adoption agency and then later took the foster care classes and was licensed as a foster mother. ( I need to renew again.) I was able to foster a little girl who later went back to live with her grandma. Although, the adoption thing hasn't happened, I learned a lot from the classes. They have several on bonding that I believe are extremely good. If you noticed I'm 30 and my oldest is 16... she is from my husband's previous marriage. I was almost 19 when we got married and she was almost 5. She has reactive attachment disorder which has made a very, very hard relationship. The bonding thing is so important... Take some classes and learn all that you can (as soon as you can) for both you and your boy. The classes have given me some super good advice and hope with my own children. The foster classes are free.
Also... the age of your boy is a very difficult one. They are so messy and demanding at that age, sometimes it is easy to wonder if you will survive...Being a mom is not the easiest thing and a lot of times it is very hard... but there is nothing more worth while anywhere.
Take care.
Your new friend,
H.

I cant releate completely. But there are times that i fell like my son is more a burden then a blessing. try taking a little vacation or break away from it all. or try getting a part time job. and the bonding w/ your son spend the whole day with just him get to know him. with out anyone eles around.

N.,
Your problem sounds very serious. I think, before you do something you might regret later in life, that you should get some type of counseling or therapy. Being married is hard enough when you are not sure about your feelings toward your husband, but when children are involved it is so much more complicated! I went to a therapist when I was 23 and getting a divorce- it helped tremendously. Thankfully we did not have any children together.

I think that you need to spend a lot of time with the decision of leaving your husband and family before and not make any hasty, regretable decisions. Try visiting a counselor, marriage or other to work on your own individual issues and problems first and then begin digging into the deeper issues that may lie with your unhappiness with the marriage and your son. I think if you need to seek professional advice and earnestly try to resolve the issues with yourself first. Then begin working through issues with your husband and children. If you stop and think about the problems that may exist to make you unhappy in your marriage are they things that cannot be fixed? are they issues that someone else wouldn't have? are they issues worth making a complete lifetime mess for your children over? I think when we look at faults that our spouse may have and think they are worth leaving them for, someone else will only have a different set of faults. Really think about the problems and are they worth giving everything up for that. I think that professionl help and an sincere effort to work on things can make all the difference. Try putting your ENTIRE heart into making things work and changing your happiness and see if things don't get better.

I think your husband loves you very much and now he regrets entering into a challenging MBA program. I am sure he will sacrifice as much as he can to be there for you and he truly does not want you to leave, despite the suggestion. If you specifically remember traumatic events from your PPD with your son, you may still need some counseling. Please do not assume you have everything figured out now, because it may be much more than you think. I think your problem requires much more attention than just planning a schedule and working out an agreement with your husband on how to raise your son.

Hi N.,
Your openess is a way of releasing.
I hear that you feel the PPD was the
interference and I am no doctor however
I believe that the body does go through
so much with pregnancy and you have had
two in 3 years.

I recommend that you and your husband
take a get away and there is
this support group called Marriage Encounter.
http://216.170.58.5/interfaith/interfaith.htm

It will be FUN lots and lots of FUN.
It will also help both of you to understand
and communicate openly with love.
Free if you cannot afford it.

Hugs C.

You need to fill the empty void in your spirit, before you can ever be complete. Your symptom is partiality, which can only be cured by checking in to a nearby church "friendship group" mothers of preschoolers (mops.) In my opinion without God in your life there is no hope for a better tomorrow.

Your son did nothing wrong, and just because you easily bonded with you baby girl, does not mean you did not bond with him! It is very easy to resent your own kids, when you have no time for yourself.
Your husband sounds like a good man...you will find that there are not many men who will support their kids now a days. Maybe you should leave for a short period of time until you have a chat with God. My daughter is going through similar marital issues except, her man got a felony last year, lost his great paying job, and now can't find work. He resents being married. He has the same attitude your having, thinking he should have accomplished more in his life at 26 than having two kids. They are separating this month. He is atheist and she is a Christian. No blessings for being unequally yoked.

Your kids (Both of them) are a gift from God...He is your Heavenly Father, and He will help you through this.

Dear N.,

I invite you to attend the (FREE) Parenting Seminar that I am sharing. I believe that the answer may present itself to you.

May you find peace. May your life achieve the balance that your heart is aching for.

My love,
K.

Free with advanced registration
$10.00 materials fee --optional
Couples are encouraged to attend together

~The JOY of Harmony~

PARENTING SEMINAR

 The HAPPY Way of Raising HAPPY Children! 

(including the “child” in YOU!)

TOPICS COVERED

 The Nature of JOY and Harmony / Happiness

 What we “See” is what we get!

 Dis-Orders? Dyslexia, Autism, ADD, ADHD, Allergies, R.A.D., Indigo, Crystal, Psychic, Brain Shift, N.D.E., etc.

 How Children Develop

 How to Really Love your Child

 How to Train Up a Child

 The Energy of LIFE

 Putting it All Together

Saturday 9:30 am—5:30 ~ Sunday 12:30 am—5:30 pm

Dates: Location:
February 9-10, 2008 / OR held at the Family Bible Church
March 8-9, 2008 / OR 6915 E. University Dr. (Power & Univ.)
April 5-6, 2008 Mesa, AZ 85207

K. WALLIS

The mother of 10 children, K. has a Bachelor of Science Degree in Education with a specialty in Child Development. She is also trained as a Family Coach, the Founder of Lighthouse Academy, and is currently operating a joyful childcare in her home, Lighthouse Creative Learning Center. K. is a passionate crusader for children of all ages and has taught in public, private, and home schools since 1984. It brings her great joy to help open-minded individuals open their hearts, heal their lives, relationships, and ultimately, the planet.

For advanced registration or questions: ____@____.com ###-###-####

To conserve time, please either join with us in a “potluck” or bring a sack lunch.
Childcare provided: $20/day each. (Please register in advance.)

N....I think it is normal at times to feel frustrated. You are in the hardest stage of mothering...I have a 3 yr.old and a 1 yr. old and I have wanted to run many times in the last six months. But you have to think long-term. This is but a short season and things will get easier as they get older. And I'm just going to throw it out there...maybe you and your husband should get counseling. I am not a supporter of divorce, especially when children are involved. They need both of you in their lives. I would suggest finding a good marriage/family counselor at a church. This way you could cover marriage and your son. I pray that you find a way to get through this tough time.

First and foremost whatever you are feeling your son is picking up on, your daughter will eventually as well and you are setting your children up for a lot of hardship later on. That has to be addressed with your OBGYN and if you are depressed you need to get help. Second, try counseling with your husband. All women go through something with hormones and feeling drained and our spouses suffer, believe me I got divorced before my son was one. Some marriages cannot be saved but be damn sure yours cannot before you bail!!
However that said, you know what you are feeling, you are brave enough to address it but for your kid's sake, GET HELP NOW! Never favor one child over the other at least where the children can pick up on it. Your daughter is very young and needs you however your son needs you so much. What relationship he has with you will be his monitor with how he has relationships with girls/women in the future, you are setting that bar for him. He can feel all your anxiety and will eventually act out on it.
Don't run away even if it sounds wonderful, your problems will follow you and your children deserve you doing everything about your stress and feelings first. If you feel you need help seek it! I admire you at least being brave enough to post this....hang in there, pray hard and just hug your kids especially your son!!! A LOT!

N., I called my contacts yesterday (Monday), but none were available, so I had to leave messages for them. One of them (an attachment/bonding expert) called me back today, but he couldn't recommend a specialist without more information. Could you email me at ____@____.com? Thank you!!!

I am a stay-at-home mom with a 3 1/2 year-old daughter and an 8-mo-old son. I have also struggled with depressive feelings during pregnancy and post-partum. My husband and I are currently in counseling and things are greatly improving. And we almost got divorced, so I am soooo glad we got help before doing that.

N., you are very brave to ask for help with this serious problem. Please don't "beat yourself up." It sounds like you are pretty sure the bonding problem happened because of the PPD you suffered from with your first child. Remember that PPD is a chemical imbalance, so don't feel bad. I can tell you care about your son and are a good mom because you feel guilty about the way you are treating him. You want it to get better. It's clear that you don't want to be hurting him emotionally. You're just not sure how to stop doing it right now.

I live in Tucson, but I know there are some places in the Phoenix area that have low-cost or free services for marriage and family therapy, and bonding and attachment therapy. With the right help, your situation WILL improve. You did the right thing by reaching out to others instead of acting on your impulses to leave. It sounds like you're really struggling right now and feeling like you don't know what else to do. You are so brave to try to get advice, rather than to do something you would regret later.

I used to be an adoption social worker and so I have some contacts in Phoenix who would know about where to go for good-quality attachment and bonding therapy. Unfortunately, I can't reach them until Monday. I will reply again with that information as soon as I can get ahold of someone.

If you feel like you're in immediate crisis and might hurt yourself or your loved ones, or might leave them, please call 911 and they can send a counselor immediately to help you.

Hang in there, N.. You did the right thing by reaching out to other moms. Your family needs you, and you are irreplaceable to them. I hope you get the right kind of help as soon as possible. I'll call my contacts on Monday and will reply to this again with the info, ok?

J.

Postpartum depression can leave quite a ripple effect. I would guess it's more about unresolved emotions from that than anything having directly to do with your son. But from what describe, you really need to consider seeing a therapist. They will help you sort through all of this. There is a lot going on for you, and you need more than general advice. Good luck.

It sounds like you may need to be evaluated for depression and get some counseling right away. I hope you can get the help you need to help you establish a better relationship with your little boy. Good luck.

Dear N.,
At least you recognize that there is a big problem. You are halfway there! It sounds like it's time for everyone to do some family counseling. It also sounds like you are still dealing with depression and may need help getting through that with medication and counseling. Think of it as a medical problem, like a heart or kidney problem and not a 'mental' problem. Your brain and how it is working is as important or more important than the rest of your body.
I don't know how to go about finding affordable counseling, so I hope other moms will know that, but if you are involved in any church, I would start there. They may have some ideas for you.
I wish you all the best! You will be in my prayers! Don't give up!! Your son deserves a mom who loves him dearly for the sweet boy that he is. Get some help soon, and that will be YOU!

I was so sad reading your post. Sad for you, because you are so young to have two small children, and it sounds like you were not ready to be married or start a family. My heart is broken, however, for your son. Although he is only three, he most certainly can sense the way you feel about him and he is definitely attuned to how differently you treat the new competition in his life. Three is a very difficult age for children as they are discovering who they are and developing their own identities. It is critical that you show him unconditional love no matter how much he is "bothering" you. He's three- he doesn't know any better. He just knows that the one person who is supposed to be guiding him, modeling for him, and most especially LOVING him, is not. This lack of unconditional love can and will scar him permanently if you do not make a change in the way you treat him. He did not choose to come into your household, you were blessed with a healthy, well-behaved child.
I am a first grade teacher and I work at a school in a tough area of the city where almost every one of my seventeen students has a tumultuous life due to inadequate parenting and neglect. They are emotional train wrecks and it is heartbreaking. One little boy now lives with his grandparents because his mother simply didn't want him anymore. Another was pulled from his home by social services because his mother was going out partying and neglecting he and his brother. They are both so fragile and have suffered so much emotionally that their pain and confusion manifests as troublesome behavior. I am telling you this because they definitely make me crazy sometimes, but I remind myself that these poor little guys didn't have a choice in the hands they were dealt, but are suffering because their mothers were selfish. I'm sure you would hate for your little boy to suffer in a similar way.

In addition to being a first grade teacher, I am also a mother of a three year old boy and a nine month old girl. I can relate to how difficult it can be to have children such young children, and since my little boy has turned three, he has suddenly started to misbehave all the time. I feel like I am constantly battling with him and having to put him in time out. However, I am extremely conscientious about how much love and positive attention I give him, even if he is driving me nuts. I realize how important it is for him to feel needed, important, and loved. He is at a critical developmental stage of his life, and I want to make sure that I help him through it to the best of my ability. I know he is just feeling things out, testing, and discovering who he is. It's what kids do. He is also struggling with having a new sister, which is another reason why I provide positive attention and feedback constantly.

I really feel for you in that you are so young, but unfortunately you have made your choices and now you need to be an adult and a responsible parent, and put the feelings and well-being of your children first. I am not suggesting that you neglect yourself, but I think first and foremost, you need to consciously change your behavior toward your son. Next, I would advise seeing a therapist, maybe a marriage counselor, and trying to find a support group for new moms. Talking about your feelings with other moms who can relate could be very effective therapy. Finally, maybe you should consider getting a part time job, or volunteering, or doing something so you are not at home with your kids all of the time. You might also have a girls night once or twice a month so you can spend some time with friends without your kids in tow.

A wonderful book that I recommend on parenting is called Parenting with Love and Logic. It might help you a bit as well.

I hope I have been helpful.

I don't know what other women may say. I did go through PPD after I had my first son, but it was talking that saved me. It doesn't sound like you keep it all in, though. I believe you are very brave in reaching out for help. But it shouldn't stop here, with other moms. If you leave your family, I believe you are going to feel even worse afterwards. I do recommend you get your hormones checked up, some times they tend to rule our behavior if they go awry. And also get some psychological help. I am not saying you are crazy, I have felt the same way. But just as we go to the doctor when we feel sick, we should go to the psychologist when we don't like our own behavior, whatever the reason, without caring what other people say. You should take care of yourself in order to care for the ones you love, and the ones that LOVE YOU. Of course we all know that the first step is admitting that you have a problem. But don't get stuck here, the next step is figuring out how to deal with it and get it fixed. Practice makes perfect. This may sound weird, but I would try it: Don't try to love your son. Do take responsibility for him, make sure he has what he needs, food, warmth, etc. If he feels like hugging you, let him, even if you don't hug him back, but don't reject him. I believe after a while of this, you will actually crave that attention that he will give you, and in order to get that back, you will actually WANT to give him attention. And you will start loving him without realizing.
Also, you could join a church, if you haven't done so already. You are very young and maybe you weren't prepared for this life, and that's why you want to still be your own person and go out and have fun and forget about those responsibilities. But look for the Lord, He will guide you. If you trust your problems to Him, He will take care of you. God doesn't give us anything we cannot handle, but it's not all Him, you have to do your part of the work.
Another thing, you could also get a babysitter once a week and have a date with your husband, just the two of you, like you did before you got married. Being with someone 24/7/365 is not healthy. And if this is the case with you and your kids, then you definitely need a break and re-bond with your hubby. Personally, I found that when I left my kids for a few hours or a weekend with my in-laws and had some time with my hubby, I came back refreshed and looking forward to being with them! Try it out too.
Good luck and God Bless you and keep you and your family in the palm of His hand. You will be in my prayers.
C..

N.,
I hope you are overwhelmed by responses as i was recently. It sounds to me as if you've got some PPD going on now, as I do. I was also able to bond with my younest, a little girl(three months old), though still suffer ppd. I was always short with my older two, a 3yr old daughter and a 1 year old son. I was also snapping and irritated with my husband/family and wanted to be on my own again, ya know, pre children and marriage. What would it be like to be on my own again? I still think about that. BUt then a friend told me something i try to remember. You get to watch history be made. You get to see those first steps and hear those first words. Watch their little minds develop as they figure out how to stack blocks and learn their abc's. I know it's rough, but hang in there! A lot of advice i recieved through mamasource is "this too shall pass". Talk to your husband, as calmly and as rationally as possible and really spell out your needs. time alone, help with the kids, chores, cooking, etc. Keep in mind that he and your son are adjusting to the demands of a new baby as well. and each crave your attention. I'm sure a lot of people will tell you to talk to your pcp and maybe take an anti depressant. Do what works for you, meds, diet, exercise, whatever fits you best. The meds help some, like me, but not all. Secondly, make sure to make time for yourself, or with your friends, sans children. Once a week or every other week, go out with the girls or alone WITHOUT children. And finally, make sure to appreciate your husband and son. They love you and can't possibly begin to understand the trauma your body has gone through. but they still need you and need to hear that you love them.
if you ever need to vent or want to talk, email me. we could use eachother as sounding boards, which is preferable to girlfriends who don't have kids or know what i'm going through
A.
____@____.com
mother to lily 3, joey 1, and kamryn three months. fulltime caregiver at a nursing home. wife to a wonderful man

Hi N.!

I am so glad that you are seeking solutions for the issues with your son. Fisrt, you should know that many women have suffered with PPD and its aftereffects. What you need is professional intervention with individual and family counseling. You are able to explain your internal conflict in clear terms, so you have a great place to start in therapy. In the mean time, don't make any decisions about leaving your husband or doing anything drastic. Just take one day at a time with a plan to do something positive with each of your family members each day, even if it is only five minutes. (Even if you have to fake it for awhile that you really want to be doing it). Don't feel guilty, feed your motivation to do right by your family by rewarding yourself with pride each time you meet your goals! And no matter what, get yourself a good therapist! You deserve to be happy and so does your family! Check with your insurance to see what they will cover or ask your pediatrician for a referral. YOU CAN DO IT!!! :)

I'm not sure how long you have been married, But mother hood isn't easy, but I can tell you this much you have been intrusted with the greatest Gift the Lord could give, two of his most choice spirits, The lord has said about this life--I said it would'nt be easy, but it would be worth it--You might want to maybe spend some-- ME TIME-- to get to know your husband a little better and figure out just "Why did I fall in Love with him??" Your little boy sounds adorable--There is a difference between little boys and Girls--My little boys were so snuggy and my daughter did'nt like to be hugged--Life is so short especially with our children they are gone befor you know it--then you're left with a empty nest--and if you don't know your husband now it will be worse when your children leave to persue there own life! I would'nt trade Motherhood for any other profession in life, it is the greatest thing you will ever accomplish in this life!! Good luck to you!!

First, let me tell you that you are not alone. I have kids that are 2 1/2 years apart as well, just we are a little ahead of you (my youngest is now 14 months), and I went through a lot of what you talked about.

My first is a very high needs child, but very good. When I was pregnant with my second I was actually very depressed because I couldn't imagine going through the whole baby thing again. This continued after she was born, even though she is the most low-key tranquil baby ever. When my oldest hit 3 I was having a hard time liking her. I really didn't want to be around her - I really didn't like her. When she hit 3 1/2 that was really the low point. I also fantisized about running away. I missed my freedom, I missed having time to myself, I really missed my life without kids.

First, know that not liking your son around this age is not uncommon. It will get better. Here are some things that helped me:

- My faith in Jesus Christ helped me more than anything. He gave me children as a gift and so they will be that, even if right now they seem to be more of a burden.

- Affirmations. This may sound hokey, but I needed to reprogram my way of thinking. I had a recording in my head all of the time saying 'I hate being a mother', 'I can stand my kid', etc. I wrote down things that I wanted to have be true - 'I love my kids and love to spend time with them', 'I am happy in my relationships', etc. You have to let go of the fantasy of running away and change your self talk. You know running away is not seriously an option - you are linked to your son forever - so let it go and focus on changing your thinking.

- Exercise. I desperately needed time to myself to focus on something besides the kids. I joined the gym and started training for my first triathlon. This gives me time to let go of everything and focus my attention totally on something else. I can see progress in my training and this helps me to feel I am accomplishing something and not just stuck in the same misery. The exercise is also incredible for my overall well-being. This has helped my mood and when I am with my kids everything seems so much better.

Also, if you have had PPD maybe you have it again? I don't know a lot about treatment, but maybe you should see someone about it. How did you get through it before?

If you want to contact me you can e-mail me at A. <dot> moreno <at> gmail <dot> com. When I went through this it was the darkest most lonely and confusing time in my life, and if I can help you at all even by just having a person to talk to, please let me know.

((Hugs))

A.

You are normal, and the fact that you care, and that you worry about this, means that you're doing your best to be a good mom, good wife and responsible adult.

I wonder if the difference is in your children's gender. If your past has incidents in it that led you to be afraid of, angry at, or disappointed with men, you will have a hard time dealing with your son and husband. I have seen women I know who were abused or molested have similar feelings about their sons. They feel, even if it's unconsiously, that there's no sense in loving any male, because anyone male will let them down and hurt them. If that's the case, find a counselor who can help - your whole family will be happier.

It may also be that you didn't quite feel ready to be a parent when you had him. You may feel that he somehow stole your youth. It might help to remind yourself of all the things you can do now that you couldn't as a child. Now that you're the mom, things like bedtimes, menus and TV viewing are your decisions - you don't have to ask anyone's permission to have pizza or watch a movie. The transition to adulthood is hard for most people, but just like the transition from child to teen, it gets easier!

Your husband probably feels overwhelmed, too, and if he's like most men he feels powerless because this is something he can't fix. Besides, it's harder for men to deal with emotions.

Besides a counselor, things that might help include mom's groups, a good girlfriend or two, and visits to the library to stock up on things to read - about parenting, and about being happy in general.

(I have 4 children. My first two were born when I was 20 and 21. I'm now 42. Hang in there, Mom!)

I had my son at a VERY young age. I was 16 at the time, and his father was only 17. We really thought that we were ready to be parents. I thought how bad could it be, I mean I babysat all the time! but what I didn't take into consideration was the fact that the kids I watched were only with me for hours at a time, then we sent them back to their parents. I had him in 2004 and he is now 7yrs old. Although he didn't ask to be brought into this world, I feel like I NEVER had a bond with him:( I Know that I love my son, but I feel like I don't like him:.( His father doesn't help much either. The only thing he knows how to do is scold our son when he is acting up. Then it makes me mad because he never plays with him, or as a matter of fact I'm almost 100% certain that he feels the same as I do about our son. I'm constantly yelling at him and ready to scold him when he does something wrong. I can can see how much it is affecting him now even though he tries not to show how he feels..... He even told me once that he wants a new mom that doesn't hate him. This makes me think that he'd be better off with someone else. The only people I know that he'd be comfortable going with all have jobs and no time for him so this makes me feel even more mad at myself for even thinking these things. I know how you feel and when I read you post I couldn't stop crying because although are situations have similarities myin is much worse..

Did you ever see the movie "Paris Je t'aime"? It is a series of 17 very short (2-3 min) love stories that take place in Paris. The one that I liked most...there was a man about to leave his wife and as he was about to tell her, she burst into tears and he thought, "Oh wow, she already knows!" And then she blurts out that she has cancer and only a few months to live. So of course, he dutifully puts his affair aside and tends to his dying wife, cooking for her, reading to her, holding her, acting like his is in love with her, etc...and through all of this "acting" it comes true -- he falls in love with her! And the tragedy of course is that after he is in love, she passes away. But your son won't!

My advice is to JUST DO IT -- even if you don't feel it. JUST DO IT! Act like you adore him, go through the motions, etc. and I bet the feelings will come.

The other reason for "acting" is that frankly, you are probably messing your son up. Think of the regrets you will have later on when your son has a bunch of issues because of his relationship with his mother.

"This too shall pass." Yes, it will be hard, yes, you are tired...but YOUR SON IS WORTH IT and this is something that will pass. You must push through it.

Next time your son is seeking your attention, go over to him, scoop him up, kiss him, tickle him, hug him and love on him like crazy and really soak up his reaction. You might be surprised at how good it feels right from the start. But even if it doesn't, don't stop. Do whatever you have to do to muster up the energy. Nobody ever said parenting was easy but it's what we signed up to do.

I had really wanted a girl and was disappointed to find out I was having a boy, but now I am in love with him and the opportunity to help shape him into a decent man. Think of how many jerks and losers are out there. The world needs more good men! Here's your chance to create one!!!

Best wishes.

Hi, I'm so sorry your feeling this way. I haven't ever felt this way with my kids, but I do know that what your feeling is not uncommon.
It's very brave of you to come forward and ask for help, and you recognizing that what your feeling is wrong is a good step towards getting better.
The first thing you need to do is go see your doctor and let him or her know how your feeling. They can in turn send you to see a psychologist to help you sort out these feelings, work through them and hopefully move on to becoming a healthier wife, M. and person.
Another thing that would probably be really good for you is to not be a stay at home M.. Getting out of the house and away from the kids and getting into a job or career that makes you feel good about you, may be just what you need. Staying home with kids is not always an easy, fun job. It gets lonely, and sometimes can make you feel lost. For your own sanity, you need to get out amongst adults on a regular basis and do things that make you happy, make you feel good.
Do these things and stick to them (the first thing: talking to a professional) I promise things will get better. First you have to take care of you so that you can be there for your kids.
Take care!

N.(confused),
1)You are so young! As a woman you go through your biggest changes in life from 20-28! We really find out who we are in that age range. The early 20's are typically "play time". We yearn to be free and have all the fun and get crazy things out of our system. However, you have a responsibility to the lives in your family. You made that choice. I wouldn't walk away from it until I knew it wasn't simply out of selfishness and seek counseling!
2)With the issues with your hubby and your son, I am no therapist but sounds like you may have some issues with men.?. I certainly have relationship issues and my marriage is suffering. I am working on fixing me. When we marry at such a young age we haven't found ourselves and we seem to adapt to wife. We lose ourselves in our relationships as women. However, the most important thing is we find a way to find and hold on to who we are while we are married. You still need to have your own piece of the world whether it is a hobby or going out with friends you need to replenish and evolve as a woman always no matter how long you've been in your relationship. I always told my friends...If one day everything/one was lost in your life would you know who you are and be able to stand on your own? It's important to ask this as you go through the years with someone. If you don't you have no business being in the relationship(if you are not married)-it is more difficult once you make that commitment to just leave. I married at 20 divorced a yr. later. Then I waited till I was 29. While I knew who I was then I have lost myself again but I am waiting and trying to figure out a way to find myself and make it work. I don't want to regret making the wrong decision. So all I can say is if you have to question what to do then you are not ready to do anything. There will come a time when you just know! Then make your move but not without some serious soul searching. I can go on and on but I will lay this part to rest...
3)As far as your son I am sorry I don't understand. After what I went through as a child I don't see how I couldn't bond with my own. Like I said before it could be something you have inside you about men or it could be your way of punishing or getting back at your husband. Your baby/toddler boy loves you and you know what that is something no one else can give you he is going to love you even if he winds up hating you. I despise my bio mom and haven't talked to her in years and even after all the torture she subjected me to I protected her because I love her-I always will. He too will always love you his one and only momma! He deserves to be loved back with all you have! Don't give up on your relationship with him don't have regrets with your children. Your relationship with your daughter may be good now but when she is old enough to see what you are doing she will have no respect for you and or she will have her own issues with men. Live today/everday like it is the last day with your children. At least have respect for your husband and son as people-it is not their fault that you have this "attitude" about them. (I don't mean attitude in a snotty way but in a way of how you view and treat others.) You pick your attitudes and reactions in life! Your hubby may be no angel but with those babies you have the biggest responsibility in life you are rearing life itself!
I feel for you, I am sorry, I know this must be so hard for you-please seek yourself and some help from other resources!

My heart goes out to you. I have felt like that. I had ppd with my second baby. I went to the dr. and did some counseling and they put me on a perscription and things are better. I started to do more things for me like getting my haircut more, putting on mascara daily, little things to make me feel good & I found that I was a much better mama to my boys & a much better wife to my hubby. I had gained more confidence and felt more like a woman than I had since I had my 1st. It takes time and effort on your part & on your husbands. Hang in there & what is supposed to happen will happen.

Dear N.,

I read your post and was captivated by the mere honesty of it. You know, for mom's it is always difficult to see ourselves in our son's. I have 3 daughters and 2 sons. My sons are very alike and very different. But my oldest son is just like his father. It amazes me how much. Anyway, I sometimes find myself angry about a situation with my husband and notice that I ma short with my son, so I have learned to apologize to him when that happens.

I also started to find things that we could do that helped me to bond with him more. I also found out that we both have a learning issue, so there are times when he does something and I cannot understand it because of the way I view the world and he in turn does not understand me because of how he views the world and I try to find ways (now) to show him that we can communicate, even when it is that hard.

I want to thank you for posting and encourage you to look for yourself in your son. Your honesty is what makes you a good mother and we all face times when our children drive us to the brink. There are ways to get through it.

I will tell you one more story. When I had my daughter I could not hold her for almost 6 days. When I began to hold her she split my nipple in two, breast feeding and I needed even more time to heal. The story did not end there, my daughter hated to be held, I thought she hated me. It took 3 years to find out that she had severe allergies and my clothing bothered her skin.

That young lady is now one of my best friends. I can tell you from experience that there is hope. So, when you have a low moment or when I want to just cry it out, please know that there is someone here to listen, who understands and cares.

R.

I almost felt like I was reading my own story. My son is four and I also had ppd with him, although mine was never diagnosed. My daughter was born in July and she is perfect and I have had no ill effects whatsoever from her arrival. My son, on the other hand has turned into a monster I don't even know. There are many days I just want to run too. So, you are not alone. It is a HUGE adjustment for our sons who used to have us all to themselves 24/7 to go to basically NO one on one mom time. Plus we are stay at homers so we have no outlet to be our former selves (haha, see myspace). AND as for the husbands, they just do not know what any of this feels like. I remember after my son was born, thinking that my husband's life had not changed AT ALL!! I was trapped under an 8 pound baby and he was out at a movie with his buddies, plus got to escape the screaming for 7-8 hours a day at work, plus nights, if you are the one not sleeping. (I love that your daughter sleeps 8 hours). Oh yes I do want to leave all that behind.
I am muddling through by constantly telling my self it IS just a phase and I see friends with a little older kids and know I can get good at it if I just keep going. I do try to hand off my sweetie to dad to spend some time taming the monster (I've got to stop referring to them this way). It does seem to help a little. I know he doesn't have nearly enough to do with his busy-ness. I really do love him and want him to love his sister. I really want the happy family too, but right now I am only getting it when I order it off the chinese restaurant menu.

N., I can't even imagine feeling this way about my son. It must be very difficult for you. I would say that you really need to do some work around it. You know our lives are always going to have ups and downs, but it is how we react to them that determines the quality of our lives. The fact that you are aware of it, is at least a start. I would say you need to make a concerted effort every day to be kind, loving and patient to your son. He has done nothing to deserve the way you are treating him now. It must be so difficult for him to understand what he is doing wrong.

You might also start doing a daily gratitude list each morning or evening so that you start focusing on the good things in your life. Often that will translate into the rest of your life, and hopefully his. I am learn
ing to be grateful even for the difficult, aggravating things in my life because they provide me with an opportunity for growth which ultimately makes me a better person and mother. You need to start focusing on the positive, rather than the negative. I wish you luck.

Dear N.,

I almost left my family behind when I was 24/25. I was fed up with everything in life. It was not easy but my husband and I have made it now and just celebrated 25 years together. I don't have an answer for you but I can tell you what I did to help me.

I stopped looking to my husband to make me happy. I am responsible for myself and have to make myself happy. I could not leave like I wanted to becasue I had a 4 yr old and did not want to hurt her. When I told my husband how I felt the pain in his eyes showed me how selfish I was being. So I started to work on myself, which is a never ending job. I started spending time with my husband to learn about the things that he liked. I spent time with my daughter playing with her. (trust me it was tough at first) Then I started doing little things of love for them. Like writing a love note in my husbands lunch, or taking my daughter to the park. I read a lot of good books too. One thing I had a lot of baggage that I had mever dealt with from my life. When i did start to deal with them and FORGIVE that started to set me free. Forgiveness is not to help the other person but is a way to help you heal. AND BIGGEST OF ALL YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF. Stop beating yourself up. You do love your son deep down or you would not be asking for help. when you can give of yourself to your hsuband and son you will find healing.

You might try reading two really good books. "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers. and "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. My heart breaks for you and your family. If you need a person to cry too feel free to call me. I am in my office right now. I will take time for you. ###-###-####

N.,

I am a stay-at-home mom of one. I am also a psychotherapist. Your experience with PPD after having your son sounds like it was really intense, and that you perhaps did not have a chance to fully recover from it before becoming pregnant again. It also sounds complicated with your husband, although you didn't give details about your relationship. I'm so sorry you have been having a difficult time bonding with your son.

If there is any way you could get help from individual and/or family therapy, I feel like this might be able to really help your relationship with your son. As I'm sure you probably know, those first few years of a child's life are pivotal in terms of how he will "be" in relationships for the rest of his life. If you are able to help both him and yourself around this bonding issue, it could be the most important thing you will ever do for your son, and it could totally transform how you feel about him. Please consider this as an option before deciding whether to leave your family (or part of your family). I have seen therapy work miracles.

All my best.

N., there are a million reasons that this could be going on, you could feel this way because you started to young, you could have issues with males and be taking out on your son, you could be overwhelmed by two children. The list could go on and on but the bottom line is that it is not fair to your son and you are not happy. You MUST seek some counseling as soon as possible. Your life is not over just because you have children, it is just different. Find something that brings you happiness outside of kids so that you can take a break and come back to your family refreshed. A part time job? Part time school? If money is an issue there are all kinds of low income programs to help with childcare.

Get yourself in counseling, talk to someone. Call a family support line, there is one based in Colorado but it is toll free and I'm sure you can call from anywhere. The number is 877-695-7996. It is just a support line that has someone on hand to talk to anytime when parenting gets overwhelming.

You can also see if your husband will take your daughter for a while so that you can have an outing with your 3 year old. Do something fun that you both can do together. He will get some one on one attention without competing with his sister and you may be able to enjoy him more if you aren't distracted. He needs your love.

There is nothing wrong with you, these feelings are not uncommon and you have taken a big step by aknowledging them and asking for help, don't stop here. You are not a bad mother or a bad person and we all need to ask for help sometimes.

It has been a big help for me to get out and meet other families. I have a busy 3 and a half year old son and a two year old and I would go crazy if it weren't for play dates where my kids get to be with their friends and I get some adult conversation. Meet another mom at a playplace or park.

Good luck,
M.

Hi N.,

I also am 24 and have a 4 year old and an 8 months old. I agree with the other responses about seeking counseling. And I know that I have found that even if the FEELINGS of love for my kids and husband are not there, that if I keep going through the day to day motions that eventually the feelings catch up and come back. Another idea is to go to your library and join a story time. I did and ended up finding a great group of other stay at home moms, and we ended up forming a playgroup. We meet 2 times a week just for lunch at each others homes for lunch and the kids play. It has been a great outlet and I encourage you to look around for the same sort of thing. You and in my thoughts, and hang in there it will get better! :)

My only suggestion as I can't imagine the feelings you are having is to talk to a professional -- a counselor. I would think they can help you work through issues and figure out if you can stay with your family and then once you feel confident then perhaps counseling would be beneficial for both you and your husband..

Best wishes.

Have you had your thyroid levels checked? It's an easy blood test and can be corrected very easily with medication. Hypothyroidism often appears after pregnancy with symptoms such as depression, fatigue, mood instability. I took several months to be diagnosed after my 2nd daughter and it was horrible. I was exhausted, irritated and always seemed to be on edge with my husband and kids. I have been on thyroid medication for a couple of years now and have just had my 3rd baby 5 months ago. I am enjoying every minute of it but still regret feeling I missed out on a special time with my kids after my 2nd baby. It can't hurt to get that checked out!

What a hard situation. I know as a mother of a 2 yr old and 6 mo old how hard it is to constantly be with the kids. It is a sacrifice. I can guess that as you are such a young mom you probably feel a bit robbed of your youth, still desiring to do the things that YOU want to do, but haven't been able to because of your family. May I suggest that although it is SOOO hard at the time, that your sacrifice is SOOOOO worth it, and SOOOO important. You HAVE to think about your children and their needs at this point. You will have your time again when the kids are a bit older. But the choices that you make now on how you interact with your husband and your kids will effect generations either for good or for bad. I would assume that Post Pardum depression had a lot to do with the lack of bonding you feel for your son. and I would assume that your feelings may be common regarding the circumstances, but PLEASE,PLEASE consider how difficult it must for your little boy to try so hard to please his mommy and nothing seems to work- my heart breaks for him- put yourself in his position. Get some counseling, to have a professional who understands ppd help you learn ways to bond to your son. HE is worth it- work on your relationship with your husband and your son. Give them the sacrifice of love even when it is hard. Find support. Think of how you would feel in your son's shoes. Get help with this issue for the sake of BOTH of your children and for Yourself. If you don't learn to bond now- imagine how hard the teenage years will be.

Please, please please for your sake and that of your family, find a counselor or therapist that you trust and can help you. If you have one right now that you are seeing regularly, it doesn't sound like it's helping and you need to find someone who can. It sounds like you PPD with your first child effected your relationship with him, and that happens. Sometimes Mothers emotionally reject their children for other reasons. Regardless, for your own mental health, it's worth it to figure out why you feel the way you do so you can make clear decisions about what will best for you and your family. If you 'just leave' at this point without dealing with the emotional issues, the issues will follow you.

Good luck. Please take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. PPD is so difficult to deal with but you need to realize that you are not alone and that it should not be used as an excuse to run away from your responsibilties as a wife and mother. So many woman have been able to succesfully deal with PPD and now find joy in motherhood.
I would suggest going to a therapist and getting help with your relationships with both your son and your husband. It sounds like they are both great people who are trying to please you. They love you so much that they are willing to make big sacrifices for you. It sounds like you are thinking more about yourself than about them. You need to get professional help and then forget about yourself and get back to being a wife and mother. You are so focused on how YOU feel and what YOU think you need that you will never be happy if you continue thinking this way. Forget about yourself and take joy in caring for your family. I would suggest reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands By Dr Laura. It should help you to change your way of thinking and put your life into perspective. You have a good life: A loving husband two beautful sweet children. Do you think single life would really be better. You think you will feel free but instead you will feel trappped and alone. You will still be, atleast finacially, resposible for you children and the guilt you will feel for abandoning your family will be terrible. Running away is not an option. You need to be couragous and accept and embrace your life. You will start to see it for the wonderful life that it can be if you chage your focus from self to others. Take joy in your family. Pray for help to accept your responsibilites in the greatest and most powerful job in the world, that of wife and mother. You will feel so much happier.

best,
Julie

N.,

My heart goes out to you! You have clearly suffered from PPD with your son and have not fully recovered. Your thoughts and feelings towards your son are irrational and I would get some help immediately! It's not your son's fault in any way that you haven't bonded with him. He knows nothing else but love for his parents and needs you, his only mother. You can change the path you have gone down and change your negative feelings that have clouded your thinking. Your son deserves the love, kindness and adoration you give your daughter and he needs to get it from you.

Parenting is a journey with many shifts in thinking and perspective. When I find myself short and irritated by my children, of which I have three, I step back, get some perspective and change my approach to a more loving and patient one. It's me the parent who is in charge of how I feel towards my children, not theirs. Children certainly need parameters and boundaries to misbehavior, but more importantly they need unconditional love from their mother.

I'm sure your husband would love to see you get some help. If not for him, for your children. It's never to late to alter your path so that you feel balanced and healthy towards yourself and family. You are so young and clearly could benefit from help. One of my best friend's mother left her and her sister when they were young to pursue unfinished plans. Although much has been repaired between them, the wounds are deep and she will always feel abandoned by her. I urge you to get help before making any life changing decisions.

I wish you luck and a safe journey. M

N. -
You've gotten some excellent advise from so many people - I hope what others have said is helpful. I can only empathise with you and your relationship with your son - I felt a great deal of resentment towards mine after my second was born - He seemed to have insatiable needs and nothing I could do was enough, and I was trying to meet his needs and deal with a new baby... It is impossible to describe the challenges of parenting... I have a suggestion for PPD - Fish Oil - pregnancy and child birth deplete the brain - and fish oil is basically brain food. I swear by it when I'm feeling premenstral angst.... Apparently, like anything else it can be overdone. Just a suggestion and best of luck.

What you have written is really sad. I would suggest that you get help immediatly! Your children are depending on you in so many ways. They deserve to feel loved and taken care of. Please consider the future ramifications for your children and yourself. I am positive that a professional therapist can help you see the beauty in both of your children.

Seek Help!! Run for help now - early intervention between you and your son can change everything. PPD can completely change the way you feel about your children. Your son may not be able to verbailize it, but he knows how you are feeling. Children are very intuitive. Maybe the right thing for you to do is to NOT be with your children. Parenthood is not for everyone despite what some may say. Give yourself a chance to find out. Seek counseling, for you and your family. You may now be over the PPD, but unfortunately those leftover feelings that formed while you were biologically changed stay - without intervention they won't change. This can lead to bad things! Please, before it's too late - talk to someone who can truly help.

Hi N.

I really identify with your post. I had PPD with my first child, who is now 2.5 years. I spent time in cognitive behavioral therapy, and feel that I recovered. I went on to have a second child, who is now 3 months and did not have any reoccurrence of symptoms.

You mentioned that you are questioning leaving your family. With my first child, part of my symptoms included an overwhelming desire to leave, to get away, to quit being a mom, to start my life over – clean slate. Perhaps you are experiencing PPD again. Either way you should make an appointment with your doctor or midwife to discuss your feelings, they should be able to refer you to the appropriate mental health professional. Even if you don’t feel you are suffering from PPD, this is worth discussing with your doctor or midwife.

Don’t feel guilty about your feelings – seek help. Blessings to you and your family.

Please seek therapy. It sounds like you are still suffering with post partum depression. These are not normal thoughts. If you can not stay with your husband, you might want to think about a seperation but never break the bond with your children. You need professional help.

Being a mom is such an amazing transition and PPD is soooo h*** o* top of it. I guess my first question is do you love your husband? You say you have felt that way always with him, so I assume that means even before you had children? Did you want to have children? You may want to do some soul searching about getting some professional help ie. a family counselor (you may want to check with your insurance and see if you can find a participant on your plan or get a referral - Dr. Jacoby in Littleton with The Colorado Family Center ###-###-#### is someone we have seen (together and seperately) and made a big difference in our understanding of each other and some of the issues we have experienced. Marraige is hard work and when you throw kids in the mix double the work. You are very young and may be regretting giving up some things for your hubby and kids, but if you love him and want to be with him it is worth at least trying to figure out... At least to this old married lady...a little about me 34 yr old mother of 2 girls 7 and 8 married for 15 years with lots of hills and vallies - full time work as a nurse

I had very similar feelings, and perhaps you should see a doctor about getting on some anti-depressants. I take Wellbutrin and it has changed my life.

I described things just like you...I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Changed my life...I hope you can find a way to change yours.

I have never felt this way before, have you gone to counciling? if you keep treat your son bad your probably doing more harm than good. And if you are really mean to your kids than, Than you leaving would be the best thing for them. I guess we all get those" get me out of here" moments but we usually only have once in a great moon. Also maybe you could have mommy son days where just the two of you go out and do something.

Natasah,
you are VERY brave to bring this up! This unspoken side of motherhood! I too struggled with similar feelings after the birth of my second child. My first is a girl,second a boy. I struggled with bonding with my son and felt like I had ruined my life by having another baby! What helped? a therapist, wellbutrin and time! it is now 9 mos later and I love both of my children like I "thought" I "should" (notice the quotes!!!)
Having children is SOOOO hard. I don't want to tell you what do to or what you "need" but If I can offer a suggestion....
get a therapist and talk to someone about an antidepressant. It sounds like a MAJOR CASE OF PPD. Your struggles and feelings are very real and for your sake, and your sons sake, you need to see help immediately!
YOU ARE NOT BAD!! you are struggling!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help for yourself. Get a break from both children....
As for your relationship with your husband, perhaps marriage counseling? it really does work!
time for you to take care of you!!
Good luck and feel free to email me whenever you want! Don't go this alone! there is no need to be silently suffering!
K.

Hi N.. Some of what you said sounds familiar to me. I think you need to make an appointment to see a Psychiatrist and Therapist asap! You sound like you are suffering from some serious issues and your son does not deserve to be treated any differently than your daughter. Good luck and please get help!

Have you tried making a time to be alone with your son? Maybe set aside Mommy & me time with him where just the two of you go out to lunch/dinner, go do something he really likes to do just the two of you? Maybe you need to get to know him again. What you feel I'm sure is normal; other mother's just won't admit it. You shouldn't discount your feelings; we have them for a reason. The good thing is that you have talked about what YOU are going thru; now that it's out there it might be easier to deal with. Ask him if there is something special he and you could do together, just the two of you. It might help; just a thought.

Hi N.,

I just wanted to encourage you. I am a 40 yearold SAHM with a one yearold daughter and although I have not experienced your situation, I just wanted to let you know I will pray for you. I know your children and husband need you.

Being a SAHM is difficult. Do you have activities outside the house, like play groups, church, friends to do things with? If you are able to get out and meet other moms in your area and get some support, I think this will help.

Also, please concider reading Joyce Meyer's book, Battlefield of the Mind. I believe this could really help you understand more about why you feel like running and why you are having such a difficult time bonding with your son. I believe it will be a big help for you. It is available at Barnes and Noble for sure. I know because I bought it for myself.

I can see by your e-mail you really do love your children and want to get a handle on your struggles. This is a GREAT step in the right direction.

Please try the book and be strong.

God bless,

D. K

I definatley think you need to seek professional help. Your feelings seem so strong and this is not healthy for your mariage, your children, or yourself for that matter. I know you are not alone many moms feel overwhelmed. You are also young and sometimes I think that makes it harder to adapt to motherhood.

I had my first at 25 and did get some PPD. My SO was horrible at helping but I did bond with my son right away. Well I became pregnant agin when my son was just 6 mos old. So he was 16 mos when his baby sister was born. I got PPD about twice as bad with her. I did not immediatly bond with her and felt so guily! I breast fed her and that was easy and I did everything to take very good care of her. But for the first like 3 weeks I felt like she was not mine and never went through that with my son. We did bond but my PPD continued. But by the time she was I'd say 2-3mos old I felt an incredible bond with her. I am now pregnnat again and my older kids are now 3 and 4 but I am very very concerned about PPD.

I wanted to also relate to you on feeling like your son has drained the life out of you. I have similiar feelings not really toward my kids but my life as a whole. I don't think my feelings are as strong as yours but its not a good feeling at all. I know with me since I have had kids I have no life abd its frustaring. I can barely work cause child care is outrageous and I am still in school but it seems like I will never be done which really depresses me.

Sorry to go on and on but you are human and yes you are confused so I really suggest you seek help...GOOD LUCK!!

Maybe your problem is with your husband - not your son please don't take it out on him now or he will really resent you later. He needs you to be his mommy who loves and cares for him. You are hurting him more than you realize. Maybe you should seek counseling for yourself.. before you hurt him.

First, let me say that it sounds like you are really having a hard time. Second, I really think you might need to speak to a counselor/therapist about your feelings and work them out, because most of it sounds like it is coming from your own internal struggles. You might need to deal with any anger/resentment toward your son before you can really start to enjoy him. I had PPD, and I know how hard it can be. You may have suffered a real impact on your relationship with him due to that year, and it sounds like you may need to do some work to clean it up. For what it's worth.

It sounds like you should seek some professional help soon. Your son is old enough to distinguish how you treat him and his sister differently. Do you have issues with your father? With another male figure in your past life? You really need to take care of this the sooner, the better. I feel for your son.

I have never experienced a strong ppd but I do know that sometimes we think it might be easier to give up. It's not. Your kids need their mom! And Dad! I think you two need to communicate. Make sure he knows how you feel and maybe try to get some help to get thru it. There is nothing wrong with that! Also, I think that the new stresses your house is under with a new baby (even if she is a great sleeper) are partly to blame. I know my husband hates the first year because he says I treat him just like a paycheck and my second was an awesome sleeper too! Just try to work thru it!

As for your bonding with your son, maybe try to say "okay, I'm not going to let him annoy me today" (they do get annoying at this age!) and then work with him on something that he might like. Read a book to him, or color or play a game. Just keep working at it and eventually your outlook about him might change.