What Is a Nice Way to Tell in Laws That They Can't Come over So Often?

You are way too nice! I would tell them that you love seeing them but you have other things planned too. Its not always going to work out to see eachother at the convience of them----give them a trial run and tell them when they ask to come over, say no for a while and see if they back off. Best wishes!

M

Tell them "We'd love to see you but this just isn't a good time... how about next Wednesday around 3:30." Need to do talk with them sooner than later, be firm but friendly when setting boundaries.

As for the gifts tell them, "Thanks for the gifts, but we are trying to save things like that for special occasions so she doesn't expect it every time, and her room is getting overrun with toys. If you can keep them at your place for a while so she can play with them there, that would be great."

From personal experience. Because they weren't getting my toys hints and I had a meltdown about it and majorly freaked out. You don't want to go that route!

"This week we have ----- or------available, which would you prefer?"
Set the time.
"We have this evening available."
"I'm sorry we do not have---- available."
" I wish YOUR schedule was flexible to allow you to see here more"
"Please do not bring a gift"- If they do put it in the closet, until a b- day.
Say it nicely , say it as often as you have to to get across. Say it consistently.
Get run over now and it will be for the rest of the time, handle it now and it is set.
best, k

I really think they must be becoming extremely socially isolated if they are spending this much time at your house.
Don't they have friends of their own?
They need to get involved in a local senior center where they can socialize with other retired folks.
Coming over once every few weeks would be enough for me and when I'm working (I work from home, too) here's no WAY I could just take off or entertain while holding conference calls. I'd lose my job and I can't afford to lose it.

I think you just need to learn to say no. Luckily they call first and ask to come over. Be honest when you are busy. I also agree with the other mom about not needing to entertain them. If the can't help with the baby then maybe it's a good time to get other things done in the house.

As far as the gifts. I would just explain to them that you know they want to spoil their grandchild but that she would love just to spend time with them & doesn't need a gift to do that. Make it sound like you're trying to teach her the value of spending time with grandma & grandpa and not just see them as people who gives them things. If that doesn't work just be blunt and tell them it's causing your daughter to behave badly and you need them to cut back.

I hear you. All of our families live here in town.. In the beginning, they just could not get enough of our daughter.. If they were not here they were calling. Call waiting and the phone ringing, put me on edge..

We finally had to say, we knew they wanted as much time as possible with daughter, but we were feeling guilty, because we needed some privacy too.

We were just honest. They understood. We started making a list of evenings and told them Sunday mornings were fine. They could call and then come over. I used to just hand them the baby or put them in charge of our daughter, while my husband and I continued doing what we needed to do.

We both worked full time, so our alone time with our child was difficult to share, but we knew they had to have their grandbaby fix.

It got better as she was older, because I told them they could pick her up from her caregiver and then from day care every once in a while. They seemed to enjoy that. I also asked them not to give her too many toys, that it was better for them to keep some it at their homes, so she could play with them there.

Is your child old enough for her to go to their house or for them to take her to the park a few afternoons a week?

Whatever you decide, have your husband handle it. It will ALWAYS be taken better that way....trust me.

I don't think you really need to entertain them. I would assume they are there to see your daughter not you. Especially since they can't offer to have her at their place. When they come over just hand them the baby and say, "I'll be upstIrs working at my computer. Her lunch is in the fridge right next to her bottle."

i am SO with you (although i don't see any posts at all telling you to clam up and be grateful.) i'm very guarded about my privacy, and while i adore my family and my in-laws, i just can't have them around too much or i start to feel invaded and resentful.
unfortunately there's no truly subtle way to do this. however, there are direct yet very kind and loving ways to handle it.
first of all, you have to enlist your husband. even if he's much more relaxed about frequent visits (my husband is that way), he needs to be aware of and respect your need for more boundaries. that way you present a united front when they seem to be pushing for more time than you have available.
i've had a lot of success with 'oh dear, i'm afraid that's not a good time for us. would next thursday evening work? no? then lunch on monday the 23rd would be great.' you don't have to give reasons. once you start, you end up either defending them or having to come up with new ones. a simple 'i'm sorry, we're not available on that date' and offering alternatives that work for YOU is the best strategy.
you also need to be straightforward about the gifts, although humor is a good option in this case. 'we don't want to lose the baby in a sea of toys! in order not to overwhelm goodwill, let's keep the gift-giving to special occasions, shall we? she is so happy to see you guys that getting presents as well is just like a sugar rush.'
pleasant honesty is always better than silent seething.
khairete
S.

Regarding the gift issue, we had to ask our family members to tone it down on the gifts too. My parents, my inlaws and my sister were all piling on the gifts! Since we are around family alot, that equated to gifts at least twice per week. TOO MUCH!!!!!

We explained to our families that we wanted each gift from them to be regarded as special to our kids and more importantly, we wanted our kids to appreciate grandmas, grandpas and aunties for WHO they are, and not for what they bring them. They still bring presents, but only on occasion. What a relief! It's hard to raise kids who are not materialistic when they are constantly given gifts.

Good luck! And don't feel bad about setting boundaries. And don't feel like you have to entertain them! While they are in your home, do what you need to do!

Explain to them that you are working during the day and can not have guests. If you were working in an office ( for an employer), they wouldn't expect to drop by your office to visit.

About the gifts, tell them 'thank you I am sure the Salvation Army will appreciate this very much. She really has too much now so we are going to start to donate everything she gets except for birthday, Christmas ect.

I think you just have to lead in with a, "We love spending time with you but..." and just be honest with them ("We have to work to earn a living and so we can't get together during the day," "Getting together on Thursday afternoon works best for us," etc). Stick to your guns. If you are reassuring that you do care for them and do want to spend time with them, I don't know if there is a more you can say to make them understand that you can only see them once a week without hurting their feelings. I do think honest is the best policy and you should stick to your guns about what type of schedule works for you, but just make sure that you give them a lot of reassurance that you do love them and you do care for them.

I'm just wondering if they need a new hobby or get involved with a community interest group so they have something to distract them on the days that they are not due for a visit. I'd probably start looking at your local newspaper and making inquiries about some groups that they maybe interesting in joining (book club, bowling, hiking).

Hope this helps.

It is always going to be a bit difficult when you work from home because to others you are just "at home" and they don't see the issue with dropping by.
How far do your inlaws live from you? Could you tell them that you have had to set "office hours" in order to make sure that work is not neglected and that you are unfortunately going to be "Unavailable" from xxxx to xxxx Monday through Friday. You could say that you have some friends who you have had to really set up a schedule for and so you are going to have to ask everyone to abide by it in the future.
Do they call ahead most of the time or do they simply show up on your doorstep? You may have to simply be unable to visit a couple of times that they show up unannounced, in order for them to get the message. Practice with your husband what your response is going to be...."OH Mom and Dad I am so sorry that you didn't call ahead...we are simply SWAMPED and don't have a free moment right now". Say this with a smile and with your hand firmly on the door.
Just because you are family doesn't mean that you don't have to have as much consideration for them as you would for anyone else in your social circle.
As to the endless parade of gifts....you are going to have to speak up there too...tell them that you don't want your daughter to associate them with "things" you want her to associate her Grandma and Grandpa with love and affection. Suggest that they limit their gift giving to holidays, there are plenty of them to let them have fun....Easter, Valentines Day,Ground Hog Day ( lol) etc etc. Or suggest to them that instead of "things" that they help your daughter learn to "give back" to others....have them bring over a batch of brownies and take her to the local fire department to tell them thank you for keeping them safe or get them to help her make some cute cards on craft paper to take to a local nursing home to brighten their day. Let them know that you want your daughter to have wonderful memories of THEM and that is much more imporant than "stuff".

L.,

What is your husband's take on having lunch with his father twice a week?

About the gifts, are they just small things or really big expensive things? Is your child their ONLY? Either way, I would try to be gracious and as another mama suggested (without telling them so), I would periodically send toys to a charity of your choice.

If you don't want them to come over for lunch, perhaps you and your husband could arrange to meet at a nice place mid-way??? Or you could send your husband on his own.

You could also tell your husband's parents that they are welcome to come over and bring a "special" lunch, but on that day you will also need some help with baby because the two of you are having a busy week. If they truly can not or do not want to help with the child, they will decline.

I think many mama's out there, might want to be in your shoe's when it comes to the "IN LAW" department.

Blessings....

My MIL was horrible about bringing the kids a 'surprise' every time she came. It finally ended when they greeted her at the door after not seeing her for 2 months and the firs thing out of their mouths was "what did you bring us?" I got a dirty look, and dh said "well what do expect? You bring something every time you come". Now they get gifts if the ILs have gone somewhere special, but she's toned it down a lot. So hang in there, don't feel guilty donating stuff, use it to teach your daughter about giving to those less fortunate. OR - when they leave hand them the present and say it's lovely but needs to live at their house for your daughter to play with over there when she visits.

mine come over on the busiest day of the week. we tried explaining we can not miss piano and sports so we are leaving now. they are very selfish and don't care. more so, they pout if we ask them to come at x time when we can spend time with them.
good luck. i have no advice, but you have my sympathy

Guh! Have your husband be the bad guy and then act like you had nothing to do with it! LOL!! I would be beside myself if someone bought my kid a gift every week! NO WAY! Who has room for that? And your right, your kids are going to start expecting things now. Which is not good!

i really don't know how you could say that you don't have the time for them without hurting someones feelings. they should know that you can't see them during the day as you work. so what if it's from home? i would tell them they can come over once during the day and if they want to come over again it would have to be during the evening, after you get off work. about the gifts, i would tell them that you don't want your daughter expecting something everytime they came over. if they feel they need to get her something, let it be a book, or clothes. kids can always use those.

L.:

Oh man!!! it's great but it sucks!!!

I guess I would just be upfront and say "these are the times that work best for us - just because we are home - doesn't mean we aren't working - we work from home...."

In regards to the presents she brings your daughter - why not ask her (your MIL) to take your daughter to a homeless shelter for a little while during the day to donate some of her toys as she already has sooo many - wouldn't it be great to help other kids who don't have it as good?

In regards to their home - I know EXACTLY what you mean - my former in-laws and now that my MIL is deceased my FIL's house is URGH - my stomach turns thinking about it. My former inlaws are wonderful people - but their home needs to be condemned - this is NOT an exaggeration - there are "paths" to rooms...everywhere there are books, magazines, trash, etc. STACKED. If a lit match were to drop on the floor - it would be disastrous!! My my ex and our daughter stayed there for two weeks - I was just overwhelmed - I took the sheets to the laundry mat (yes, rude but I couldn't handle it) and cleaned the bathroom and room we were staying in (millipeds centipeds and Lord knows what else) the kitchen?! i couldn't eat anything from it - I cleaned it while they went out for a few hours and had NO KIDDING 10 bags (the BIG BLACK BAGS) of trash (phone books from 1976) and literally trash - the counter top - which I THOUGHT was brown was this BEAUTIFUL butter yellow...yeah - that's how bad it was. So I totally get that).

You need to tell your daughter that she may NOT always get a gift. She needs to understand that it's a NICE thing for her receive but that the gift is not the most important thing she's getting.

Take the time to show your inlaws that you enjoy their company but you are working during the day and need to be able to concentrate on that. Our work hours are 0800 - 1700 - please, we love you - respect this - we want to be able to focus on you when you are here....maybe that will work?

I feel your pain!

First, talk to your DH about it. He needs to be on board with the decision (and frankly, he needs to be more understanding of you/the demands on you, and maybe he doesn't realize there is an issue). He may say it's no big deal, but let him know that you can't, in essence, take part of 2 days every week away from work--you have to work... so if he's okay with them coming over, that means that you're going to work, and he's going to entertain them & take care of the baby, since you need to work. (Try not to make it confrontational, though).

And if that helps him realize there's an issue (which it should, hopefully), then sit down with him & come up with some recommendations/suggestions with him on what is appropriate....

If they are retired, they need to be understanding that you are not and you have to meet the basic obligations of work/home/family-meaning you, DH & baby- (not necessarily in that order), before anything else, including visits. Tell them, since their schedule is flexible, because they are retired, it would be greatlly appreciated if they came when it was better for you. You could even spin it this way: You want to spend time visiting, but when they try to visit during the day, you are focused on your work, and so cannot enjoy the visits and it is impacting your work negatively, and that this is a problem.

Good luck!