I’m not happy in my marriage and I don’t know what to do. To make a long story somewhat short, I’ve been married for 11 years. I got married when I was 25 and my husband was 34. We have four year old twin girls. At times in our marriage I’ve been very happy and at other times I’ve seriously contemplated leaving. I never did leave, though, because it always seemed like we were right around the corner from things getting better. Moving to a different house would take DH’s stress away, him getting a different job would give us more time together, leaving the East Coast would allow my husband to relax, going back to grad school would make my husband happy, etc. But none of it has made him happy. He's always been negative, sarcastic, and self centered, and makes no bones about it. For the first few years of our marriage, I felt as if he put me first too. Now I’m certain he doesn’t… he’s even said that this is as good as it gets, he’s not willing to try harder, and I’m asking for too much. (maybe I am… I have no idea how to determine that).
Since our girls were born, our adequate marriage has gotten to the point where I think I want out. When our girls were born, my husband basically disappeared. I had a semi-emergency C-section at 36 weeks and spent four days in the hospital. He came to visit for two hours a day and spent the rest of the time at home. This was hugely traumatic for me because it was obvious something was wrong, but I had no idea what, and could barely think straight with two babies in the NICU. He was interested in our girls and has always been a good father to them, but his interest in me was nil. The first four months were awful. We lived in the same house but barely communicated. When I finally convinced him to tell me what was wrong, he told me that he felt trapped, and that he blamed me for getting pregnant. I didn’t take that very well since having a child was totally mutual (really, it was). He was depressed, slept all the time, had no energy to do anything, was paranoid about cars parked outside our house, etc. Really weird stuff. And the biggest change was that he no longer looked at me like I was his friend and partner. We continued talking things out for the next year, but his attitude never changed. He felt (and still feels) like we’ll never go back to being the way we were, and that we don’t necessarily have a right to be happy in life. I hate that attitude. I’m a glass half full person and think people have a right to be happy and loved. I convinced him to find a new doctor and get blood work done in hopes that there would be a reason for his jerkiness. We found that he had really low thyroid, so he started taking medicine. He also started on Lexapro for depression and anxiety.
Anyway, fast forward to now. Our girls are four years old. Our marriage is still a wreck. I’m not happy on a regular basis, and neither is my husband. His anxiety is under control, but he’s still moody and unwilling to do anything outside what he wants. I’ve tried repeatedly to talk him into counseling but he says there’s nothing to work on. Relationships change, and I haven’t gotten over it, says he. Things will be good for a month or two and then he slips back into his resentful and moody state and ignores me. It's like every negative trait he possessed before we had children has been magnified ten times, and every positive trait has been shrunk by a hundred, so all that's left is the stuff I didn't like all along.
He will come home from work and say perhaps ten words to me all evening. If I ask what he wants to do on the weekend he’ll sigh and tell me he hasn’t planned that far in advance and then walk out of the room. He refuses to go to kid birthday parties or try to develop a set of friends in our new town (we've been here two years). He’s always been an introvert but we’ve had a social life in the past. If he’s not at work, he’s reading a book or on his computer. Sometimes we watch a movie together, but he’ll leave the room if I put the TV on anything he considers beneath him, like sitcoms or silly movies. When we spend time together, it's always doing something that interests him (and not necessarily me).
Last year at about this time I realized he was having online sexual conversations with women. He left an IM open on his computer when he went away for a weekend. I followed that trail to several online dating/hookup sites like Adult Friend Finder. I didn’t find any evidence that he’d actually met any women in person, but I did find quite a few graphic conversations. When I confronted him and said that a friend of mine had seen his profile he lied (badly) and said that someone must have stolen his identity. For two days he ignored me and stalked around the house talking about how worried he was about his identity. I finally told him I found the chats and emails on his computer and he admitted that he’d been talking to women online for a few years on and off, but denied ever meeting any of them. I told him that we had one last chance to fix things between us and that he needed to step up and work on our relationship. And he did for a few months. But then he reverted back to his unhappy, negative, solitary self. Last month I had enough and told him that he needed to try harder again. He did for a few weeks, but we’re back to ignoring each other again.
So what do I do? I made a commitment to be with this man and we have children together. He’s not physically abusive. He’s not cheating (well, at least not now). But I dream of leaving him and not having to be with someone who makes me feel unloved. We both work full time, and take care of two little kids, so life certainly has changed. However, I feel like I still have the right to a husband that is happy to see me, is interested in what I have to say, and is willing to do things that make me happy at least some of the time.
Help!
wow, I think you have given it many chances, and you should do what makes you happy. Sounds like hubby has more of a personality disorder than depression or medication treatable illness. Do what makes you happy. (while you are young!)
As many of others have suggested, seek counseling at least for yourself. It will help you know that you are making decisions for the right reasons and hopefully stop second guessing yourself.
He sounds a lot like my first husband. It took years for me to decide to divorce. I was the one doing all the heavy lifting in the marriage and when we finally separated it was as if a huge burden was lifted. The amount of work I was doing stayed the same because I had always worked , done most of the chores, took care of my own car, etc, but I no longer had the emotional baggage...the decision was made and I could move forward.
Take care of yourself and hang in there!!
I highly recommend sitting down and making a "Pro and Con leaving list" - you have told us the bad, and there is probably more, but there is also good, too. Right down all the pros and cons of staying/leaving. Take your time, weigh them out and be very honest with yourself. If the con list for staying is longer, you probably have your answer.
I also second the counseling - go yourself if he is unwilling.
Talk to an attorney about the situation.
Start setting aside money in case divorce is inevitable.
In the meanwhile, do things that make you happy without him. Take your kids someplace, spend time with friends and/or family, shop, exercise. You have to keep your mental state healthy.
Divorce is a last resort IMO, but I want you to realize many women go through a divorce and are just fine, even happy in fact! So, try not to panic, build yourself a support system and make your girls happy.
You have a right and a need to be happy. However, you already know that you can't make your husband happy to see you, interested in what you say or willing to do things that make you happy. Your happiness is going to have to be separate from what your husband does and says. Only you can decide what this looks like, whether you can do this and stay married.
Divorce is a huge deal, especially with kids involved. It can take years to get through, more years to heal and get back on your feet and it'll take years off your life from the stress involved. It's really a last resort when you have exhausted all of your other options.
My suggestion is for you to find a good therapist or counselor for yourself. Make it your own happiness project and find out what it would take for you to be happy if your circumstances never change. Let your therapist walk you through your options and see where each one leads before deciding what to do next.
I left my 17 year marriage (23 year relationship) when my daughter was 4 1/2. My ex has chronic depression, more recently diagnosed as bipolar disorder. The amount of energy drain that relationship took was horrendous. I have been happier ever since I left. It took a few months to adjust, since I'd been in that relationship since I was 23, but the effort has been so worth it.
Your ex may or may not step up and be a co-parent to your children after divorce, that you can't control. You do have control over the life you want to live, and the example you set for your daughters. That was the final decision-maker for me. I did not want my daughter to think this was what marriage was like.
Good luck to you!
I would say that his behavior certainly is very worrisome, especially the online sexual conversations with other women--and then he LIED about it. It's bad enough that he did it, but if he can't even be honest with you despite the evidence that you put in front of his face, then there is something wrong. That is a major violation of trust that is vital to any good marriage. Have you talked to him about getting a divorce? It sounds like you are the one who keeps trying to make the marriage better, and he is the one who doesn't really care about it (or maybe he's trying to drive you away?). You can only do so much before giving up and realizing that if he can't (or won't) help himself, there is nothing more you can do, and you do deserve to be with someone who actually cares about you. Marriage requires both people to be involved in order for it to work, and it sounds like he has given up.
Definitely do what others have said; find a counselor for yourself. This is a good first step, because everything after that will be difficult and it will help to have some support during that time. Then, I think, you need to give him an ultimatum: either get professional help, or you are leaving and taking the kids with you. Because it really sounds like he's going through some depression, and if medication by itself hasn't worked, then he definitely needs some therapy. Why wouldn't he want therapy? It doesn't sound like he's very happy, either, and he needs to do something about it. Life is way too short for him to be sulking around, unhappy and not really living life. He should get individual counseling and also marriage counseling to help you both regarding your marriage. I know that sounds like a lot of therapy, but it's worth it to try; if it works, everyone is happier, and if it doesn't work, you know that you did everything you could to save this marriage.
If he refuses, or if he starts trying for a couple of months then giving up again, then maybe you should try to separate from him for awhile and see how that goes. You may find that it truly is the best decision for all of you to get a divorce. Or it may be a wake-up call for him to try and truly make changes. One thing I know is that you should definitely try to do something about it now, while you are young, because there's no point in staying in an unhappy marriage when you've tried everything you can do to save it.
Good luck; I really hope everything works out for the best for you!
Time to find a good therapist, a good attorney and a good real estate agent. You don't love eachother, in fact you don't even like one another. What kind of message are you sending your two little ones?
Hi I too believe you have a right to be happy, I think you have given this man many chances and I think you should seek counseling for yourself to help you figure out whay you want to do and the best steps to take. It may be to end the marriage..
He also made commitment to you and broke that commitment over and over again. He stood in front of god and family and promised to LOVE HONOR AND CHERISH you, he broke that vow the first time he disrespected you. He deserted you and his daughters when they were born.
You and the girls deserve to be happy and to live in a happy home. Leave this jerk.
Hi - sounds like a toxic situation. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor immediately. Invite him to go. If he refuses, go yourself, and let him know you want him there, you want to work this out (to whatever end you both choose) and there are two sides to this story. It's important that both views are represented.
Remember, you are modeling marriage and adult relationships to your children. Do you want your daughters to think that this is a healthy marriage? This is what they will inadvertently choose. Do you want them to think it is ok for mom to not be happy? Sounds like he has already decided to NOT be happy because the grass is always greener...
Emotional and cyber cheating is cheating - don't try to sugar coat it in any way. How do you know for a fact it was just chats online? Did you check to see if any were local? Do you know for a fact a webcam wasn't involved in these 'chats'? No you don't. He even lied when simply mentioning a found profile and found chats.
He's a jerk to you anyways, doesn't care about your well being and happiness... and by doing that he shows you he doesn't want a family. Sure being nice to your own children when you are home from work is great... but that's not being a Father.
You've tried for over 10 years - don't you think it's time to move on to better things and make your life in a place where you and your girls can be happier? WITHOUT HIM?
You have, as you described, hung in there for a long time BUT what "chance" does a troubled marriage have if it's not getting the help it needs? I think both of you owe it to your children to try marriage counseling.
If you're sick, you just don't keep waiting and waiting for it to fix itself, right? You go to a professional that can fix what's wrong.
I DO think you need to let your hubby know just how serious you are about changing things--WITH some professional help.
Good luck.
I agree with some of the other posts, you have made multiple attempts to save the marriage, but it has to be a mutual want in order to make it work. I would also suggest you getting some counseling and remember that children can pick up on negative energy and know when mommy and daddy aren't happy, so do what is best for you and your children. If he's now willing to go to couples counseling, which sounds like the last attempt, do what you feel you need to do to have a happy, fulfilling life, for you and your children.
there is life after divorce, so don't think that you're pigeon-holed into this life for yourself (AND your babygirls). i have experienced marital problems and can sympathize with what you're going through. it may seem basic, but write a pros & cons list. you may find that helpful in making your next decision(s).
You deserve to be happy and have the kind of relationship and life you want and dream of. I agree that seeking someone to talk to yourself would help you a lot. Conselor's can help us decide what we want to do and help us through the process. This can't be good for your kids they will grow up thinking this is what marriage is all about and I am sure you don't want them to follow your lead. All you can do is take care of yourself and your girls, we can't change someone else. Your husband sounds like he has already moved on into his own world, so it sounds like it is time for you to move on too. Good Luck.
I think he's emotionally abusive and emotionally cheating. One of the last straws in my mother's last marriage was finding out where her then-spouse had been online. I think he's been looking outside your marriage for a long time, which is why you feel so unloved.
If he won't go with you, go to counseling by yourself. And seek out a lawyer to discuss your options, your rights, and the likelyhood of things like joint physical custody and think about how you would deal with that or how he would handle it.
The other part of it is that your girls see how you treat each other and if you are cold or indifferent then they will grow up thinking that's what marriage is about. I think you should give yourself the chance to be happy, whether it be on your own or with someone new. I think divorce for the right reasons is a good thing. You can give the girls a chance to have a happy home vs one that is so cold.
You made a commitment, but so did he, and he is not honoring it. He is cheating (nevermind that he *says* he hasn't met them) and he is not honoring your marriage or your family.
Oh my goodness! I am SO sorry you are going through this!
Quite honestly if this were me, I would confront my husband with the question of WHY he is still in the marriage. If my husband were that unhappy I would question him as to what keeps him around, what he would like to see change and if he has given up all hope and wants to leave, why he hasn’t done so.
This is only getting worse, not better, from what you’ve written. To me it seems that you just don’t like each other anymore. If my husband were going behind my back and chatting with other women online I would lose a lot of respect for him. He lied about it so of course there will be trust issues.
Have you tried marriage counseling? He is willing to go?
My heart goes out to you!
Leaving him may seem to be a difficult choice for many reasons but in the long run seems to be the best. At this point you guts are in its best to seperate before the situation gets worse, your girls deserve to see there parents happier and if this means seperating that thats what it means. I think you and your girls deserve happiness and you have tryed your best already with your husband. Don't delay speak up to him and say u want out and start the road to a better life.
I, too, believe you have every right to be happy and model a good marriage for your children.
Having said that....I worry about the care of your kids when he has them 50% of the time in a divorce and they almost always get 50% these days.
Can you go to counseling yourself?
Have you tried suggesting couples counseling to him?
Do your best for yourself and your kids. Hang in there. Talk to your support people (friends, family), see a counselor for yourself.
I will hope for the best for you.
IMO, you have done all you can. He broke your vows with the online 'emotional cheating' (if that truly was all it was?)...
You have the right to be happy...and so does he....maybe neither of you are but neither of you are strong enough to break the ties that bind you.
I have never gone through a divorce but I can only imagine how scary it would be...its a hard step sis...but I think you can do it...if you want to.
You have reached out in many instances. If he refuses to get help, tell him one last time. Either we try counseling or we are separating. Try the counseling, but if he refuses or doesn't try then follow through. It is better for your children to grow up understanding a loving and respectful relationship - so that they have that when they grow up. They need to see and understand how they should be treated and respected. I was in your shoes exactly! It took awhile, but I finally stepped away. I learned what I expected and needed from a man in my life. I met him and we have a wonderful marriage with a mixed household and some tough kiddos, but we are trying to work through it. We love each other and have a great foundation. They boys would never doubt our love for each other and I hope they find the same. The don't see that respect from the other sides of their family and sincerely appreciate it and express it to us.
Blessings!
