What Would You Do!?!?!?! - Brenham,TX

would make arrangements for a babysitter and go. I would go in at the last minute and sit in the back so I could be there and say goodbye but not deal with people. They will know you were there because you should sign the guest book for his family. You can also send a condolence card.

I have been to so many uncomfortable funerals and understand how you feel. You need to have that goodbye.

Well I don't think that attending the funeral is really necessary to pay your last respects. Not to be crude in any way he has passed and attendance is really for the family to show love and support towards them. Keep your memories and if later you may want to visit the grave on your own terms and say your peace in private.
I had a difficult relationship with my father and tried several times to make things right. It ended ugly and we did not make amends before he died. I choose to leave the ugliness with him and not carry it with me. It is not your responsibility to make him complete. He chose to live the life he has and is now feeling the consequences for them. That is not yours to carry. Move forward and love your new life without guilt and shame that is your fathers. There is no reason to trust him, you are making a decision based on your feelings of guilt. Not wise.
Best Regards,
C.

I would go to the funeral for your Uncles sake only and have very little to do do with your bio-Dad there. I would just say hello and let that be it, dont be dragged into family drama any more, you have a new family to focus on and give all of your attention to so go to his service and leave afterwards. Later on in the future if your Dad wants to restart a relationship tell him at this time in your life you have moved on and no longer have any interest in a relationship. Tell him nicely you have moved on and are focusing on positive things in your life like your husband and immediate family. Then do it, don't let negative people in your life have power any more, you have better things now to live your life for. You can do this in a calm and composed way, take the high road at the service. Good luck

I would go to the wake, pay my respects and leave. If your bio-dad tries to talk to you, just say, "Now is not the time. I am sorry for your loss." and walk away.

Here's how I decide if I should attend a funeral under weird cirumstance, which has happened a few times to me (sadly). I ask myself a few questions to help make my decision:
*What would the deceased person want?
*If the roles were switched, and it was my funeral, would the now deceased (your uncle in this case) attend my funeral under crazy circumstances?
*Will I regret not going later on?
If you go, you don't have to ignore your biological father. If he comes up to you, just be the bigger adult. Tell him this is not the time or place to discuss anything between you two, this is about your uncle.
Ultimately this is your decision, and you have to be comfortable. It's also your decision if you want to make amends with your father, but regardless of that your uncle's funeral is not the place for it. You also shouldn't have to decide that while in mourning. Just because he is feeling guilt and his own mortality, doesn't mean it's the right time for you to even begin to deal with that.
I am sorry to hear about your uncle's passing, and that you have the added stress of the circumstances. My thoughts and prayers are with you. =)

Don't go. Toxic family members are best left alone. You don't need to appease his guilt now that he feels like changing things for his own reasons because your uncle died, not aything to do with what's best for you. You'll see the first moment you talk to him that he is not some elevated changed human who you would benefit from investing time into.

Your uncle is dead and will not be at the funeral (not trying to be crass, but I've been in this situation before with funerals). Also, it will be a big favor to your hubs not to drag up this relationship. Messed up in laws are THE WORST PAIN IN THE ____.

The consequences of living your life poorly, using drugs and beating your kids, is that you don't have people to love you later in life. It's not your job to give your dad anything now.

I would NOT GO. My best friend has an almost identical story to yours, and she does NOT respond to her toxic abusive family who occasionally tries to get her contact them to appease their guilt. I'm so proud of her and she is so much better off without them in her hard earned good life she has DESPITE THEM. They would only drag her down.

Go to the funeral with your husband.
Sit far away from your bio family members.
If your father approaches you, turn away.

Amends?
I wonder who told you that?
You're not the one to make amends.
Your father would be the one . . .
if it were even possible given the circumstances.

However, the occasion of your uncle's funeral
is neither the time nor the place.

Prepare ahead of time with your husband.
Discuss how you intend to attend the funeral
including where you intend to sit, etc.
Let him know how much you appreciate his support
and nurturing, especially in this particular event.

That depends on how you feel. Do you need this funeral to say goodbye? Funerals are for the living, your uncle won't know if you're there or not. If you want to go then go, just ignore everyone else. Say your goodbyes and leave.

Sorry for your loss.

I would find a babysitter, or see if hubby can stay home with the kids. Or find somewhere near the funeral that hubby could take the kids too. Drive yourself so you don't have to be around your father. Ask your mom to tell him you will consider meeting with him another day, but not that day. You want to be there for your uncle and it should be about him. Your dad needs to respect that. Then meet with him on your terms if you wish. You don't have to be friends with him. My friend didn't see/talk to her dad for 10+ years. Now she see's him probably once a year for a couple of hours. They live an hour away. She always makes it a family setting w/hubby and kids so she doesn't have to deal with him one on one much. good luck.

I think you will feel better if you go ahead to the funeral. You seem to want to respect your uncle, and your mom needs your support. Just stay calm around your dad and others you don't feel comfortable with. If you can get someone to watch your kids at home, that would be best for them. I hope it goes well for you.

I grew up with a close family on my fathers side, and love them all. But when things went sour, there were a lot of harsh things said and a lot of hard feelings. My father past first and when he left we were on bad terms. It was very difficult for me to overcome this and sometimes I wish that weren't the case, but it was. In the big scheme of things, I have no regrets for my feelings, because they are feelings I learned later in life I am entitled to, just as anyone else. Do I wish it weren't so? Sure, but there are just things that are outside my control. So, I stuck around to be close to my Grandmother, whom I adored! I bought my condo close by so I could be close to her and when she passed, I never really looked back. Although I grew up here, my one Uncle I had no problems with moved back to his home state and if I were to see him, it would be on a visit to my Mom's side of the family and one of my Uncles (Mom's bros) would get ahold of him and bring him to visit me. He has recently passed and I didn't go tot he funeral, as an Aunt whom I don't get along with over harsh words was there and I figured she had the first rights to be there.

So, with that said, if YOU FEEL up to it, maybe you could stop by for a short time. However, this is about your Uncle and paying respect to him and his family, not just your Dad, his brother. Possibly not the time for your Dad to rehash and free himself of the guilt he has on his back.

I hope this helps.

i would definatly go to the funeral. its about your uncle. if your father is clean now you wont be in danger. you could arrive very close to the time it starts and leave quickly after if you feel safer. actually you can leave any time durring the service if you feel uncomfortable. your uncle would understand. before starting a relationship with your father i would go to counciling. if that is a bit out of budget at the very least read up about signs of an abusive relationships. that way you can see the warning signs and red flags and know how to react. if the subject comes up with your father be honest and tell him your finally just considering it but you still need to sort some things out. if he presses just say you will talk to him later and leave the situation. if he follows just leave. it should be a clear message to him he is no longer in controll. i am sorry for your loss and your dad was crule to you. hopefuly you can help yourself become stronger and eventualy help others. best of luck.

This is not the time/place to meet with your dad. You are in control this time as an adult. If he wants to meet with you-make it on your terms. Make him pay for a babysitter and meet him in a public place for lunch/dinner. If your mom continues to put pressure on, let her know nicely that she needs to stop since she cannot be objective.
As far as the funeral, mail a letter to his family/kids/spouse telling them about how you felt about your uncle. That will mean more to them. The funeral is to honor him and if you show up and your dad does, that does not honor him.

In some cases family members are so toxic that you cannot be around them for your sake and your family's sake (remember you and your family comes first before your mom and dad's family). My wife has a grandmother that we will never visit as she is so vindictive, cruel and backstabbing that it would do us no good to reach out to her. The difference (and the reason this makes your decision much more difficult) is that your father is trying to reach out to you. Here is my recommendation:

1. Visit him only when it can be with your husband and not your children; get a gage on the man before you bring him to influence your kids. If you still want to go to the funeral with your children then find another way to get there and leave with having little contact with him.

2. If you feel that you can trust him after these visits, then discuss with your husband if your father is ready to be a grandfather.

3. Never leave your children alone with him in the future! You never know if and when he will have a relapse in drinking or drugs. Your children are most important and while they would love to have a grandpa it is not worth the potential damage he could cause (as you have experience first hand).

A person is only toxic if they refuse to believe they have a problem. Recognition of that problem shows that your father has made a great step in making himself better. Find out for yourself if he has truly done so and then proceed to let him into your life little by little.

I would also like to add a congrats to you A. for ending his cycle of violence with you by being a good momma to your kids!

Stay strong. You made a great decision.

I had a few thoughts you might want to think about:
1. Who did your uncle leave behind (family wise) besides your dad? Did/do you have an aunt/cousins/etc. that you care for? If so, it would be nice to attend the funeral as a show of love and support.
2. The fact that you know your father suffered/suffers from a disease (alcoholism and drug addiction) might make you consider making some sort of gesture IF you think he has made a change in his life for the better.
3. If it's not a financial hardship and you can swing it--I'd go. I wouldn't ant to regret it later....
I'm sorry for your loss.

I would go to the funeral no matter what or who is there. I personally feel that you have a moral obligation with your deceased uncle. As for your biological father you and him should consider counseling. Remember that we don't choose our family only friends. Having this type of anger is not beneficial in anyway. We all deserve second chances in life and remember to honor our mother and father. Your father has a lot of explaining to do but it will speak volume if you are that "bigger" person in this situation.

PS I'm sorry for your loss

Mommy of T.

i read through some of the responses, not all, so maybe this was already suggested. Maybe go down to hwere the funeral will be, but go to the graveside on your own and pay your respects by yourself. WWho says you need to do a public display of your grieving. It's between you and your uncle. Perhaps see his family if that is what you want. there are always options. Don't put yourself in a situation with your father that will make you feel crazy. I have a similar relationship with my bio dad. Only we haven't had a "relationship" in over 20 years. he recent;y contacted me to tell me he had a heart attach and wanted to tell me how much he loved me before surgery in case he didn't make it. but itturned out he just wanted to blame my mother for all his problems through the years. needless to say it wasn't a good conversation. He made me so angry that i told I hoped he died in surgery.(I know it's awful, it just came out in the heat of the moment.) Anyway, don't feel bad about taking care of you. it isn't your responsibility to make other people feel better about the death of your uncle. Do it for you. good luck and I am very sorry for your loss.

What a difficult situation. If he wants to make amends you can always set the ground rules, like when and where is an appropriate time to start. It sounds like he could add a lot of pain to an already painful situation at the funeral. I would recommend not going and having your own ritual for your uncle in a safe and calm place. I have a brother I'm distanced from, and until I find a way to truly forgive him, I've learned the hard way that being around at family functions creates an awful situation for everyone. Take care and lots of strength!

My thought is, do you need to attend your uncles funeral in order to have a sense of closure? Attending the funeral (for me) would be about the relationship you had with your uncle and if you need this event to say goodbye. If you haven't continued to have a close relationship with him after your parents divorced, then I wouldn't attend. As for your father, I wouldn't involve him in your life. He abused you. Part of the psychological damage that occurs to the abused is going back for more. A small part of you still wants your fathers love and approval. Growth and recovery happen when you realize you don't need that from him. What he did to you was wrong, and is unacceptable whether he was addicted to drugs or alcohol. There are NO excuses, only results. Your father chose his path, and only you can choose yours. Love yourself, your children, your husband, and no matter what, BELIEVE in yourself. You deserve more father than he will or can ever be.

The funeral is about your uncle - not your dad. If there's family left in your uncle's immediate family then you need to see them. Forgiveness is a very cleansing balm. YOU are the only one harmed by holding onto anger and regret. Get RID of it - let your Dad have his say whether it's at the funeral or not. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. You don't have to see him in the future, you don't have to like him, but holding onto the past is like carrying around a large bag of heavy stones wrapped around your neck - just leave it behind. Learn from it, don't do the same things to your kids/husband, but move on!!!!

skip the funeral and send flowers -- you can honor your uncle in a different way - maybe make a donation in his honor somewhere

A.,

I am sorry for your loss but I think you made the right decision. Even though you were close to your uncle, he will not know you are there. We go to funerals for the living. Keep your chin up and know that you are right when you decide to leave the past in the past. Evidently your bio father has not really changed that much and the last thing you want is to go through the horrors that you went through at an earlier age. God bless you and your family.