Let me start by saying that my kids are overtired today, after playing outside for 6 plus hours yesterday. They are thus a bit more whiny and tantrum prone than normal.
After grocery shopping, I told the kids we could do a short trip to the park before lunch. My daughter wanted to go to a park on the other side of town, and she quickly accepted that that wasn't possible given our limited time. She then requested a roller slide at a closer park, but still a park more than 5 minutes away. So I suggested a neighborhood park neither kid remembered, but that I knew had a roller slide.
As soon as we pulled up, my 5 year old started complaining and asking to go elsewhere. She has a hard time not getting her way, and I am working on helping her handle this. In any case, my son happily popped himself out of his carseat, but my daughter kicked her feet and threw a little fit.
About 15minutes later, my son then came up to me whinnying about going to a park my daughter vetoed earlier. He then threw a fit when I said no.
Before telling you all how I handled this, tell me what you would have done? I will say that I have little patience for tantrums in any age that isn't a toddler. There are more effective ways of communicating, and I insist that my kids use a nice, polite voice.
I probably shouldn't have taken them to the park, but I needed to nurse the baby, and I was thinking the park would keep them happy for 30 minutes without them fighting. At home, they would have fought, and did, as soon as we got home.
As soon as my oldest started up, I wanted to immediately go home, but I didn't want to punish my son. So i put my daughter in a TO, and let him play. Well, my daughter proceeded to cry and scream and whine, and I told her the she would stay in a TO until we left.
When my son started whining, I gave him a choice: 5 more minutes at this park, or we head straight home. He continued, so we came straight home.
My kids did have a healthy snack before I took them to the park, and I had hopes that the park would shift their mood. Sometimes all they need is a little park play to bring more joy into their beings. It failed today, but some days it does work out well.
Lights will be out early tonight, for sure.
I would have told them, "No, I am sorry, but we can't go to another park today. We are here now, so you can both go play, or if you are going to keep whining we will go home." If they continued to whine and protest, I'd pack them up into the car and take them home.
In my house:
If you whine you dont get what you want.
If you throw a fit, you don't get what you want AND go on timeout.
Meaning... When that's happened here.. We go home.
"Play here or were going home for naps!"
(I would also do super early baths/showers/bedtimes tonight, regardless!)
i usually say: it's either this one or we go home. your choice.
There are times to give kids choices and there are times to make parental decisions.
Knowing it was going to be a short trip and time was limited I would have said we are going to park A. If my kids started complaining or whining about it I would have simply said we are either going to Park A or we are going home, those are the choices today, period.
I also have no little to no patience when dealing with fits and tantrums, especially with a five year old. But I'm afraid you set your kids up to behave this way when you try to cater to their wants rather than making the call yourself.
Throwing a fit because you don't get your way? Unacceptable. I would have taken them straight home. Natural consequences are the best teacher.
I would have put them both in the car, took them home and put them in their rooms for some quite time.
I don't let tantrums decide what they get to do so when I see a tantrum I say "we don't do that in this household". I've done the same with my nephew who throws tantrums at home but has since stopped when I"m around. So I would've just told them the truth 1. We don't have time to go to the other parks, 2. Throwing a tantrum will not get you anything you want, 3. You have the choice of playing for a few more minutes or going home now.
Queen's got it. It is exactly what I have told my daughter. Play now or we go home.
J.,
I would have left the park. And I have done so, several times. If the kids cannot agree on a park, we do not go. If they throw a tantrum, we do not go or we leave immediately. I do not have any patience for it. I have stuff to do, and there is no way I am going to put it on the back burner and do something nice for the kids if they are going to be ungrateful and difficult.
When I heard the complaint when pulling into the park, I would have given them a choice. We can go to this park, or we can go home. Then they decide. If they choose the park and still complian, then it's homeward bound.
I wouldn't have taken them to the park knowing that they were already overtired. I would have planned a more low-key time at home, and if they wanted more outdoor time then had it at home.
Since you did take them out to the park then I would have given them one chance to calm themselves down with a warning, and then taken them home. But the issue wasn't their behavior, honestly. The issue was you taking them out and putting them into an impossible situation.
Ditto the Queen ;)
ETA: "I wouldn't have taken them" really? you've never taken them anywhere and misjudged their reaction? Really?
I would've taken them both home with no park time at all. I have no tolerance for whining, complaining or tantrums from any kid, and especially those who should know better.
I am not sure how old your younger kid is, but I find it super unacceptable for a 5 year old to be crying and tantruming over anything. I would get that under control pronto.
I think you were dead on perfect in how you handled it.
I also think they'd had toooo much & needed an early lunch & nap.... rather than more activity. :)
I never gave a choice which park we'd go to.
We'd just stop where ever was convenient depending where we were.
If my son didn't like it, we went home.
If the kids are tired and/or whiny in general they need a nap.
If they are bickering a lot at home - send them to their rooms or different areas of the house.
My Mom always use to say "if you can't play together nicely then don't play together at all".
I would have given the kids only two choices a) we go to the park of my choice or b) we go home. I would have told the daughter to sit in the van while the son played. When the son started to whine I would have taken them both straight home.
I wouldn't have taken them to the park, knowing that they were tired, whiny, and not having the best of days. I would have taken them homes, since it's clear they needed more relaxation from the day before. I really try to not set my son up for failure, and I think that's kind of what you did. They weren't in a good mood, and it was never going to go well anyway. Does your child throw fits when he ISN'T tired and worn out? If not, you have to hold some responsibility in this, because you knew he was already cranky.
If I did take them to the park, I would have left. It's clear they need to be home and get some rest, and even if they are tired...they need to learn to respond in a more appropriate way. Fits should get them nowhere.
Honestly, though I think giving choices and negotiation when they are overtired was a mistake. You KNEW they were, and it's just not going to end well.
I would tell them that they had X amount of time left to play, and they'd better play instead of whine about it. And if they kept up the whining, I'd take them home and make them go to their room for an hour.
My son is almost six. We frequently go to the park with several of his friends and, often times, he tries to be the boss and make everyone else play what he wants. When they don't, he tends to get upset and cry. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him in advance about letting others choose, or having him choose a different game - it always turns out the same.
Now, before we go, I say to him "If you cry at all, we're going straight home. No second chances." I stick to it and there have been a couple of occasions where I have instantly packed up and left. Yes, it causes more tears, but I feel like, at almost six, he's old enough to figure out how to handle these "injustices" without crying.
Sorry - if I knew my kids were overtired from an active day - i would not have taken them to the park.
How would I have handled **THIS** situation? I would have said "I'm sorry this wasn't what you thought it would be. Please get back in the car so we can go home."
If they had thrown a fit after that? My kids are older - 10 and 13 - so if they had a fit after that? I count down to 5. If I get to zero and if I get to ZERO - they lose privileges....electronics, phone, computer, etc. They know I'm serious and have learned not to mess with mommy....
kids know how to push buttons. Even better when they are tired.
Taken them straight home, quick lunch then nap or quiet time in their room. No tv
I probably would've said, you have 20 minutes (or whatever amount of time left) to play at the park. You can choose to sit on that bench (within eyesight, but not next to you) or go play - your choice.
Knowing my children were tired, and likely to be fussy no matter what they did, I think I would've skipped the park entirely and went home. If they argue at home, whatever, but I'd rather be nursing in the comfort of my own home than listening to it in the park knowing I still have a drive home afterwards. Perhaps selfishness, but I like to reserve those happy moments (the park, etc) for when I know everyone will enjoy it.
My kids view the park as a treat and that's the one place my toddler DOESN'T throw a fit. ;) Anywhere ELSE...sure. I keep hoping she'll outgrow it!
Sorry you had a rough day...hope they went to bed early for you, and you're relaxing!!
We have a rule in my house. The kids have from the count of 5-1 to get themselves under control during a tantrum or whatever they're asking for is an automatic veto and a time-out. This gives them time to recognize that their behavior is not appropriate and find another way to express themselves without immediate punishment. Time-outs don't end while a tantrum is going on.
In this particular case, I would have given my kids from the count of 5 down, put them in a limited time out, and if they still couldn't shape up, I would have just taken them home.
Hi J.. This is what I DID when my kids acted like this. (And they did.) I took them home. I told them that THIS is what happens when you argue with mommy and have a tantrum. EVERY TIME. My younger son learned the drill REALLY quick. My older son had some issues and it took him a while, but I would NOT give in to a child acting this way, and he finally learned.
J., we turned around and went home many times, our entire family sometimes. It was difficult on us, but because I wouldn't give in to this, he ended up being a really good kid later on.
Promise yourself that you will just put your foot down and not accept this behavior. As soon as you get back to the house, put each child in their own room and make them "think" about their behavior. If you do this every time, your children will learn the lesson enough for you to just have to remind them what happens if they start it.
Dawn
Home Immediately. After they rest and can think clearly talk to them about incident.
I would have popped both kids back in the car, gone home, and put everyone down for a nap.
Same thing that Queen and pretty much everyone else said. I can't stand whining!! I tell my older kids (3 and almost 9), 'I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you talk like that' and wait until they can speak In a normal, polite voice before I acknowledge what they're saying.
I would have given them a choice: We can either stay and play at this park, or, if you continue to throw a fit, we will go home. You have 5 seconds to choose and tell me what you want in a nice, not whiny voice.
you're a nice mom.
i'd have popped 'em both back in the car, taken them home, given them lunch and a nap.
i'd have taken a nap too.
khairete
S.
I would've handled it exactly how you did. Tantrums and whining never got the results my kids were aiming for, so you are doing the right thing. Also, no need to beat yourself up for wanting them to be entertained outside while being physically active, even if they were tired from yesterday. Too many of us plunk our kiddos down in front of the tv when we need that 30 minutes, I'm guilty and my kids are 18 and 14! You are doing great, I vote on early bedtimes for the kids and ONE glass of wine for you, only one since your nursing ;)
One warning the moment any fit started and my kids would have stopped on a dime because they know a pop on the butt would have been next. Therefore, they haven't had fits since age 2-even my born rager. Sure, they get exhausted and fussy, bit no fits for not getting their way. No way Not allowed. They know it.
I would have said, "We're staying here for ten minutes (however long I needed to nurse) and anyone throwing fits will have a consequence when we get home." And then you would have seen three little angels playing at the park.
I would have said, "Look. We are staying at THIS park for 30 minutes and then we are going home. If you are going to throw a tantrum you can sit on this park bench while you do it. Once you are done with the tantrum you can go play. If you feel the need to throw another fit you can come right back over here, sit back down on the bench, and throw another fit. Just know, however, that we are only staying here for 30 minutes and if you waste all of your time sitting on the bench throwing a tantrum you will not have any time to play. Your choice."
Sounds like you did what I would have! Feels like something I would have written! :)
I would get down to his level and look him straight in the eye and say "You have a choice. You can decide that even if this park isn't your first choice, you are going to have fun and go have a good time while we're here, and maybe you can pick the park another time, or you can decide that you don't want to have fun, and sit here with me and be upset until it's time to go. But, you know that whining and crying and having a tantrum isn't going to get you your way, and all it's going to do is make sure that you don't have fun. So, what do you think you want to do?"
It works almost every time with all of my kids, ages 4, 7, and 11. (of course, the 11 yo doesn't tantrum -- he sulks.) The only times it doesn't work is when there's really a deeper issue that needs fixing.
We would've gone straight home and to their rooms they would go until dinner. Harsh? Yes, but they would get the picture...
If my kids are tired, I don't make them more tired and fussy nor take them to the park plus grocery shopping and I don't give them the chance... to debate that.
I just tell them what we are doing, and that's it.
If they fuss or grumble, so be it.
I tell them, too bad, you are overtired, we are going home and that's it.
My kids once had 2 playdates back to back, overall by the time it all finished it was like 12 hours. They were TIRED. I did not, do anything remotely even, to get them more tired the next day nor on that day.
They were, pooped, out.
If my kids throw a fit.... I tell them "yell, scream all you want, when you are done let me know... we are STILL NOT going to do that..."
And they quiet down.
I tell them "Even if you scream or fuss, we are NOT going there, NOT doing that, NOT at all."
That's it.
The thing is: not everything is a debate, not everything is a negotiation, not everything is a choice, not everything is up to the kids. I AM THE MOM.
That is it.
And having a tantrum about something, is NOT going to fly with me.
I still say, no.
THEN the other side of the coin is this: As a Mom... IF you know that playing for 6 hours straight, is going to make your kids tired and fussy and tired even the next day and they have to catch up on their rest... then, do not do that. Don't have them play for 6 hours straight. It is up to us, the parent, to regulate... the kids. So if you end up with overtired fussy kids, it is our "fault" too.
For me, I knew... that those 12 hours my kids had playdates for... WOULD make them majorly tired. But I let them have the playdates... because they were off school on that day and the next day was a weekend. So it was fine... I was FULLY aware... of its impact on my kids. ie: they would be tired from it.
Thus, I redid my plans for the next day, with them and even that night.
That is my, responsibility and my knowing my kids, cues.
