I cannot believe I actually posted about having a fourth baby. I mean yes, I would love a fourth, but not now...not until I feel healthy, and less self-absorbed. This last pregnancy I suffered panic attacks the first and third trimester....they came out of the blue and scared the heck out of me. That should have been enough of a clue to get my butt in to therapy. I didn't. After the baby, I visited my doctor multiple times with various complaints...one being these weird head sensations...like split-second dizzy zaps, that totally freak me out....grinding teeth, fatigue, and on and on. He is a good doctor. His suggestion? Get on a good antidepressant and see a therapist, and we will reassess in two months. I didn't. I am a good Mom most days, but more often than not I am grumpy and irritable, and I am a total jerk to my husband. He has been sick for three weeks with a virus and I have done a crappy job of taking care of him. Why? Because I am so darn preoccupied with my own health anxiety, googling everything, wondering if I have something horrible and if I need an MRI.
Although these early years of mothering can be hard, they should also be savoured because of how quickly they go by. I am so blessed to have three healthy kids, especially since I got married late...had my babies at 35, 37, and 39. These days all I seem to want to do is curl up with the IPAD, which is not good. I really have a responsibility to myself and my family to take care of my wellbeing and I don't know why it has been so hard for me to just admit that I have postpartum depression, anxiety, and I need help. It's in the family...but I guess I thoughht I could somehow escape it. Incidentally, my eleven year old niece was put on Zoloft after having what she described as head zaps, that left her in a panic. After a trip to the ER and a CT scan, she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. The Zoloft has helped immensely and she is functioning completely normally!
Thanks everyone for the gentle encouragement...and the kick in the pants! I made an appointment for Friday...it is still hard for me to believe that these odd sensations in my head are all from anxiety, so I am really working myself in to a panic...but I will mention it again on Friday and take it from there.
It took me a long time to admit I had depression after years of dealing with a special needs child. I was just sad and couldn't get out of it. I finally decided enough was enough. Went on an antidepressant and within a week I was starting to feel like my old self. I stayed on that for about a year and went off.
Just do it. Don't overthink it, just get in there and get that prescription filled.
I think it has a lot to do with just being mom. In your question, you say that you did a crappy job of taking care of him. I think that says a lot. When you are sick, who takes care of you? I think it is great (and am a bit jealous) that some mom's get a day to themselves, get mom-time, and can even get away from it all (it being dad and kids and stuff) for even a day or weekend.
Mom's sick? What? No time for that, easier to push it to the back and trudge on. Unfortunately, it sometimes explodes and everyone ends up miserable.
Time to give yourself permission to put you first.
You're trying to talk yourself out of being depressed. Are you talking your husband out of that virus? No? Why not? Because you accept that his illness is something that is happening TO him, not something he is doing to himself. But with mental health, we really put pressure on the sufferer saying they should just snap out of it, be grateful for what they have, blah blah. What you have is no different in "value" than what your husband has. Plus you are exhausted with 3 kids. You speak of your responsibility to take care of your family, but you don't mention anyone's responsibility to take care of you.
You are also googling various causes because you're vacillating between being afraid and somehow "hoping" there's a diagnosis for it that makes it worth your time and others' attention ("need an MRI"). On some level, you aren't sure you "have some condition" that merits attention or expense or time away from the kids. So there's a fundamental dismissive attitude in this country toward mental health - as if we don't deserve treatment unless we are horribly ill. We think a schizophrenic person deserves care, but we don't think a mom with anxiety does. That's like saying, "You can only go to the physician if you have cancer, but not if you have acid reflux."
May I suggest that you not try to diagnose yourself? Just list your symptoms but don't decide if it's a family-history-based illness or postpartum depression or anxiety. Just make a list - anxious feeling, head zaps, wanting to curl up with the iPad, etc. Then go over this with a therapist. Maybe you can benefit from medication, maybe talk therapy, maybe some relaxation techniques (which need to be taught - don't just tell yourself to "Relax, for crying out loud"), and maybe other things or a combination. Don't worry about the treatment or the diagnosis right now. Just decide that you will go talk to someone and lay out the symptoms without having to go in there with a ready-made diagnosis.
Reach out, ask someone to watch your kids, and go see someone.
Yes, these years should be savored, but you have a problem that needs to be addressed. You don't blame your husband for not savoring the children while he's sick, do you? But you put that enormous pressure on yourself.
I went to therapy and actually found that what was hampering me was not what I thought it was. So ask your doctor for a referral to someone who accepts your insurance, call a friend or hire a sitter or find someone with evening or Saturday hours, and GO.
You deserve this. If it helps motivate you because you still aren't sure of that, consider that your children are entitled to a mom who is in the best possible condition to care for them. I grew up with a mother who had periods of depression and almost emotional paralysis. I wish she had had the courage and the support to give voice to her symptoms and seek help.
So what are you waiting for? It sounds like you should give Zoloft a try. Someone just yesterday was telling me how well Zoloft worked for her.
I also suffered from more anxiety when my kids were little (probably from no free time to myself, ever), and exercise was a key component in maintaining whatever sanity I had.
You need to get out of bed and exercise. Daily.
"He is a good doctor. His suggestion? Get on a good antidepressant and see a therapist, and we will reassess in two months. I didn't. "
Why?
And
Why not now?
There are all sorts of messages we parents get about how the days with babies/toddlers are wonderful, how we should just savor every moment because it is fleeting, etc. Sure, it would be ideal if I could have that attitude all the time, however as a human being, I can't--and I suspect many people are like me. Perhaps that 'I SHOULD love all this' message is kicking around and adding more anxiety. In any case, I hundred percent support you just making that appointment to talk to someone and start taking an anti-depressant. It doesn't need to be for a lifetime, just for now to get the brain chemistry back on track. Sending good wishes!
As someone with both a daughter and best friend with anxiety disorders I can relate. GET HELP. Therapy, medication or both, whatever works for you.
And for what it's worth, unless we were REALLY sick, or seriously injured, my husband and I don't "take care" of each other that way. Your husband is a grown man, he doesn't need a mommy, or a nursemaid.
Finally, listen to Theresa N's words below. She is a wise woman.
Good luck!
You have pride and you want to think you can do it all without help. Well, the first thing is to become humble and ask for the help. No one knows what's goes on in ones head not even you. Seek medical advice on this one and get the depressant and enjoy the old you.
Stay off the internet try to diagnosing you. There is too much and you are not doctor. That right there will put you in a tailspin.
Find some me time even it is only taking a bath without the kids. It is a start to being you.
Hubby may be sick with a virus but you have other things to do. If he had a broken bone or recovering from a serious surgery that would be different -- been there and done that with both. It is no fun not doing things for you and you are a person who needs to be you. But you have to get you back on track before the whole train derails.
Keep us posted with your results.
the other S.
PS Live in the moment and not 20 years from now. So soon it is all over. No one is going to take care of you but you -- no one so think about it and get the help.
You ask why it's hard to get mental health help but have you really tried and been turned away? Your dr's advice was spot on. Why not go see a therapist? An MD who can prescribe an antidepressant. I did that once years ago. It was not hard and made a world of difference. Make it your #1 priority to get into a therapist who can prescribe something.
It sounds like you already know what you need to do. It's hard to admit that you need help - especially when it's mental health which unfortuantely still carries a stigma. You have to take care of yourself if you want to be a good mother, a good wife, a good person to yourself. Be accountable and go to a therapist (psychologist for talks, psychiatrist for meds if needed). You can get througth this. If you had broken a bone, you wouldn't try to set it yourself. Go to a professional who knows how to help you heal. I've been to therapy on and off myself and it does help. Best of luck,
Why did you not do what your Dr. suggested? Don't use the excuse of not having time.... MAKE TIME. It sounds as if you didn't make an effort to try to get better.
You are not the only mom out there who goes through emotional ups and downs.. HOWEVER.... your children need YOU and YOU are missing out with your children... bonding, loving, playing, etc. You are also missing out on your marriage.
It is up to you to take care of you...You should feel no shame if you need to take some medication to make YOU better for YOU and your family.
Time flies with children and you don't want to miss out. Before you know it, they will be in college and on their own!
Please, go reassess with your Dr., follow his/her direction and get yourself under control. You'll feel so much better. And please, do not get pregnant.
It can be awkward and embarrassing but just make the appointment and go with an open mind. It is a sign of strength not weakness to seek help. I suggest a clean(Er) diet and exercise will complement the MH treatment.
Knowing where you're struggling is where you begin this fight. It would be very helpful for you to have a counselor to talk to and with about how and what you are feeling. Also nutrition and exercise will also play an important part of recovering too.
Getting in some serious cardio each day will help to elevate your brain chemistry to normal levels. So doing some jumping jacks, running in place, sit ups, leg lifts, jumping rope, pushups, lifting weights, etc. There are tons of 30 minute workouts online on youtube for free. You just need to actually do the fitness.
Cutting back or out your sugar content and having a balanced diet will also be helpful. Having a great multivitamin may be helpful as well. I prefer liquid vitamins becasue they are fast acting. After having a full blood work up it was discovered my vitamin B-complex was low as well as my vitamin D.
Drink water. Being dehydrated will cause you tons of fatigue. Get your water intake increased.
Lastly write down a plan for what you want your life to look like. Every aspect of your life. Write down goals and dreams. Then write down some steps you need to take to get there. Cut out pictures for visual images of your life. This way you will be able to see what you are working towards. Go back systematicallly and review what you have written down and make modifications for what really works for your lifestyle and where you are at the time.
Life is about the journey. You are not the first woman to suffer from postpartum depression but you can be victorious. Count your blessings daily. That helps too.
Good for you! I hope your appointment goes well.Keep us posted!
And remember, the sleep deprivation of baby/toddlers is a real killer! No one warns you about the long term effects of having small ones in the house, and when you are older, I think it is worse!
i was truly messed up until my LO started sleeping really good a few months ago. I hope your working on weaning/night sleeping, if you haven't already done that. Sleep is the most powerful medicine there is.
And do be gentle on yourself. You have a baby! and two other small ones. It's exhausting! Be gentle. Let them watch a few hours of TV everyday, while you rest with your IPAD. Recharge yourself so you aren't as grumpy! Do a MNO! Self-care is so important, i hope you're making time for some.
