Wow. Just Wow. Advice Please!!

I'm with Tracy. Maybe you and hubby could go visit her area and stay in a hotel... Grandma can come visit you there, or your husband can take your daughter to visit at her house (while you go get a massage or something... ;) lol)

"She's too little to be that far away from us." Period. End of discussion.

I wasn't willing to leave my daughter with anyone for more than a few hours until she was walking and talking clearly. I had no clear reasons other than I didn't want to. If I had been asked to leave her with someone whose alertness or sound judgment I might have cause to question, I think I would have had even less problem saying no.

My daughter wasn't willing to leave her son with me until he was well over two. I completely understood, and did not take it personally. Now that he's nearly five, I still don't keep him for longer than two nights, and that's all the separation his mommy can bear. I love it that she's so clear about what she can and cannot do.

I'm a granny, and I treasure my time with my grandson. But I never assume I have a right to it, simply because of a family relationship.

I also have a sister who's pretty severely bipolar, and who's moods are not well regulated by her medication. I have observed for quite a few years that she has periods of apparent stability, but they are short and can end pretty abruptly. When she's depressed, she's not in any condition to care for someone else. When she's manic, she's probably even less able to make sensible decisions. All limits fall away, and anything she wants to do, no matter how unrealistic, she's willing to try. She's got a penchant for taking unbelievable risks in that state. I would never think of leaving a child in her care.

Applying my own limited experience of living around a bipolar person, I would gently suggest that your MIL might be in a manic state to even suggest that you would send a baby to live with her for a whole week. I wouldn't do it.

If I were in your shoes, I would acknowledge her request, and tell her no. Friendly voice, no squirming or waffling or reasons. Something like, "I hear how much you would enjoy having (baby) stay with you for a week. And I don't want her to be away from me, and I don't want to be away from home for that long. Let's talk about it again in a couple of years." If she argues or wheedles, calmly state your position again.

ADDED:

If your FIL gets on your case, tell him the same thing. You don't want to be away from your baby, or away from home for that long.

This is your child, and you have every right to make that call. You don't owe your baby to anybody. You are not responsible for your MIL's happiness or unhappiness – she has issues that go back long before you or your daughter were in the picture. If you allow even a sliver of that sense of obligation to sneak into your thinking, your MIL or FIL will sense that you have a weak point. Hang tight, T.. Your needs are important, too.

You AND your Husband, simply say NO.
YOU are the parents.
Your daughter is too young.

BUT.. this is a matter of SAFETY... and your MIL being mentally unstable...
You do NOT EVER, sacrifice your own child... just to appease... an UNsafe person....

You do not EVER EVER leave your daughter in her "care" ALONE. ALWAYS SUPERVISE... and be there too.

Your HUSBAND... should be on the same page about this.

It is not about your MIL... but the SAFETY and well-being of your child.

Your MIL is a SUPER unstable mentally off person... who is on drugs.
Nuff' said.

Even if your daughter were a Teenager... I would NOT EVER EVER, let my daughter be with your MIL... alone. Ever. Your MIL is much too dangerous... and mentally unstable... and simply CANNOT think rationally... nor even take care of a child.
She cannot even manage herself.

You just HAVE TO... say NO. No is no.
And I really HOPE your Husband... realizes, the danger she is to your child.

This is a no brainer.

I would not allow much contact with her, if that were my Daughter. My child's LIFE... is at stake. I would NOT... allow it. At all.

all the best,
Susan

Is there somewhere close to her that you can stay? (hotel) Maybe you could plan fun daytrips with your daugther and include her. Just a couple of days. This is a tough one :(

Right now your daughter is too young to really know what is going on. I would go this time. How long is mom in law going to be around if she is on all these pills?
Take pictures of your daughter having a great time so when grandma gets too sick to see your daughter, like next year, you can use them to show her how wonderful she was way back when.

She is a danger to your child, I do not think "nice" is the way to go and by that I mean subtle. You have to be blunt with out being rude with telling her no way no how not in a million years. It is a safety issue for herself and your daughter.

Just say no, nicely. You don't have to give in to her just because she is your mother in law. Don't let her guilt you or intimidate you. She is unstable and you're protecting your daughter. She doesn't have to understand or be happy about it. You do what makes you feel comfortable. You're the mom. Good luck!!

I'm not ready for her to away from me that long. Keep repeating.

Just say, "Thank you for the offer but I don't feel comfortable about that." And then, each time she brings it up or tries to pressure you, smile at her sweetly and say, "No thank you." Just stick to those two phrases, smile at her politely, don't offer her any other excuses or engage in any other discussion with her about it. If you do that, eventually she will stop asking.

Her request was inappropriate even without mention of her chemical imbalance, suicidal ideations and list of meds IMHO. Please stick to your guns. You will never regret it.

Best of luck to you and your family.

I agree with VM. Even if she wasn't so little, I would not leave her alone with my child. She sounds more than a little un stable. I understand that she certainly loves your daughter, but it takes more than love to deal with caring for a child and making them feel safe and secure. Giving her the reason of "too little" will just set you up for future requests later. A firm NO is in order. I hate to say it, but you will most likely feel some backlash from this...most often this type of person is also a master manipulator.

You've got the power here.
Tell her you'd like to come visit WITH daughter . . .
but will stay only 2-3 days.
I think it might be a good experience for all of you.
Also, and I'm sure it's obvious . . . .
there is NO WAY you should leave your daughter with her
for any length of time without you (or someone responsible) there, too.
You don't have to tell MIL why.
Just you and DD are a matched set.

I don't think it has anything to do with your daughter growing up around that, it is that you should not leave your child in the care of a person who is taking that combination of medications. A person who needs Morphine is not in the kind of shape requried to look after a newly walking toddler for a week.

I don't think you owe her much explanation, tell her the truth, and if you leave out your personal resentement, which you should keep to yourself, and just go with her current need for medications. If she gets better, maybe she can have more time than a few hours with her, but if she needs morphine, gee, she must not be able to handle more than that.

You probably cannot, and should not avoid seeing her, she is still part of your family, and if she is stable, and not a danger, she should have some contact, but I would continue to keep it limited.

I would say, her son needs to be dealing with this...he should be telling Mom no. It may make little difference, in her condition, she is not going to just let it go, but you just can't give in.

One suggestion is to contact NAMI and find out more about how you can deal with your MIL. They have terrific classes that you may find helpful to facitltate an appropriate relationship between your MIL and her granddaughter.

M.

T.-
Am i right that you also posted about gettting a divorce? My suggestion: get counseling and make it work. If you get a divorce, just imagine that when your husband has his visitation, your child may just be in her care WITHOUT YOU AROUND. My suggestion is then to stay, make it work (it takes work but it doesn't sound like he's being physical or even emotionally abusive. You dont' like his tone toward you, but that can be corrected..if he (and you) are willing.) I am thinking of when the divorce is progressing or finalized. Can you assure that your MIL won't have solo access when he's got visitation? If you stay married, you CAN ensure that your baby doens't go to see her w/out you.

And now to the matter of you MIL - let your husband handle that. Tell him you TRUST he'll make her understand that for your and your daughter's peace of mind, she (MIL) won't get solo visitation. Ever. Thats' your husband's job, NOT YOURS.

Good luck!!

There is no problem answering this. Just say NO! Your baby's life would be sooooo in jeopardy! ML or not, this woman is a walking bomb and to put your child in her "care" would be insane. How does your husband feel about this? He should be on board with this. You guys do not owe her an explanation. Is she that dense!

I'm so sorry, so many of us just don't have Hallmark grandparents for our kids.

Personally, i don't feel someone with that history will ever take a polite "no" and accept it. I think you have to be very very firm and just say NO. I can't even figure out a compromise since you still feel bad about having her at your place (correct?) will you be visiting for the holidays can you offer her that.
tough but i'm voting for just a solid No I wouldn't even give an explaination and i would never never never leave my kids alone with her.

I think you answered your own question....no no no!!! My child would definitely not be going!!!!!!!!!! And your husband needs to be supporting you!

Ok. So, the offer was likely made during a manic or slighly manic episode when it felt good. When you actually got down there, if you went, you have no idea what you would be getting yourself and your daughter in to.

As for her ex husband and your husband --her son-- viewing this as your problem and not understanding the issue... I say that is a big problem. If she is truley, mentally ill, and they refuse to acknowlege it; then there is a problem.

You have to do what is right for you and your daughter. Do not let them guilt you into it. You can be polite, but say that you are not comfortable with staying away from home for so long while your daughter is so young. If your hubby makes an issue with it, make him go with you. If your father in law makes an issue of it, ask him why it is his business...they are divorced.

Now, with that said. I reccomend you look up resources manic depressive (bi-polar) disease and locate support groups. You may find some some helpful resources on how to cope when you are around her.

Best of luck.

You tell your husband and his mother that she can visit your daughter at your home while supervised. Period. If your husband has an issue, talk it out with him but be firm. Get counseling if you need to but this is something I would NEVER budge on. Do NOT let that woman have your child alone, ever!!! If you have to make something up to appease everyone, DO IT!! This is your child's well being you are talking about and when it comes to that, you have to be a "mama bear" and stop at nothing. If you allow everyone to talk or bully you into doing something you are not at all ok with, you are a fool. I don't mean to be harsh, but when it comes to our kids, we have to look out for them. It is not about pleasing everyone else. Good luck and please let us all know the outcome.

T.,
I'm sure this is difficult. You feel guilty because she wants to see her granddaughter and she sick, but you have to put your daughter's health first. Your MIL in unstable. She's been suicidal. That should be enough to justify your actions. A backbone is required in dealing with your in-laws. Even if your FIL will give you trouble about it. Don't let someone argue or berate you for 2-3 hours! Take care of yourself!
Also, your husband needs to support you in your decision. That's his job. He's your husband first and their son second. When he married you he promised that. There is a book called Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life: Setting Boundaries on Destructive Relationships that perhaps would help you in this situation. Good luck!

ummm, no,no and NO!!!! I haven't read through all the responses, but perhaps you could explore going and spending a couple of days--like 2--instead of an entire week?? I think spending a week with your MIL and a 1 yr old is lot to ask of anyone, wether they have mental instabilities or not. stick to your guns. --I feel your pain. I'm waiting for the day my inlaws want to take our children for an extended visit alone. they are 1 and 3. His mother and step father(alcoholics) and father and step mother(alcoholic and HORRIBLE wiith the kids) haven't asked yet, but I have already made it very clear to my husband that it would NEVER HAPPEN! That is your baby, and you do whatever you have to to keep her safe!

This one is easy...NO. Your MIL has an illness. Would you let her take your dtr for a week if she were in the midst of cancer treatments? Bi-polar is an illness. Yes, it's manageable with meds, therapy, etc. but an illness just the same. Her lack of good judgement should not put your dtr at risk. Only time and showing that she is capable of making good choices will lead her to caring for your dtr alone in due time. Right now all visits MUST be supervised.

Follow your gut. I'm sorry your hubby is not more supportive. But remember....he is probably numb to her actions if he grew up with this type of behavior. His barometer of "normal" may be quite different from yours.

Hurt feelings don't come into play when it comes to the safety of your child or family members who think that just because they are related by blood or marriage that they are automatically entitled to have all this time and influence with your children. Too bad, so sad is what I'd tell her. Maybe you could plan a trip to see her with your husband, don't know if that will help or suggest that she comes see you. Hotels would probably be in order for either visit. If finances are a problem then it is even more of a reason not to put yourself out. NEVER feel obligated to ANYONE about visiting or spending time with your children especially if you already know they have unhealthy, mental or physical, habits or tendencies that can endanger or just plain scare your kids. Personally, I think anything before the age of 5 years old is too young to be away from home for that period of time with anyone, unless there are emergency circumstances. Even then your description of her should tell you a lot. If you read it and pretend that you were reading if from another mom, what would you suggest? You seem to be a smart, caring, aware parent who follows her instincts, keep it up.

I didn't read any of the other responses. But I agree you are right with not letting your daughter go. I mean, everyone knows your mother in laws issues, obviously. Can't you just be honest and say .... you know, you have too much medication around , or you know with the incident that happened a couple years ago I just don't feel comfortable. I don't know. What a weird situation that she would ask when she has so many mental issues going on.

"No freakin way!" or "Are you crazy?" come to mind as appropriate responses. Really?? She thinks this is "OK" to ask? I have to give kudos to you for your restraint after hearing this request. Wow. You know the answer in your gut. Be brave and stick with it.

My husband comes from a large family. They were forever begging to take my kids when they were little. I did exactly as mommee said. Im not ready for them to alone yet. Sure, I got alot of flack from them and from the other siblings. I didnt care. It was my babies and I wasnt comfortable. When the time is right you will let her go until then just say your not comfortable.
I know it can be awkward but I have always felt moms know best.
Good luck.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My MIL has been an addict for as long as I've known her, and according to my husband almost as long as he's know her too. She's had a few years sober here and there throughout her life, but at this point, after having a stroke, and losing mobility in parts of her body I think she has given up.
In fact, I took the kids (6 and 18mo) to see her this past Sunday, after 2 weeks of her calling and crying because she wanted to see them. The whole time we were there she was either passed out all slumped over in the chair or barely hanging on to consciousness and slurring nonsense. She lives with her mother (because of her health issues) and her brother also lives there to help be a caretaker. So we do get to see "Nanny" and "Uncle Stan" while we are there.
On to my point... We've never kept out kids from her. We always make it a point to go visit when we can, and on holidays etc. I guess out philosophy with our children is- We don't hide anything. I'd rather my kids see things, and I have the opportunity to explain and talk to them about it rather than them not know. I grew up in a family where if it wasn't pleasant, you don't talk about it. It was just the big elephant in the room and it caused tension, but we just ignored it. I got into a lot of things as a teen because we never talked about those things and I was very naive. My kids handle it fine. We don't tell her all the gory details but my daughter does know that grandma is "sick", and she still loves her like a child does their grandma. I think it would be a travesty for one day my children to ask about my husband's mom and have no memories of her.
That said, we also have NEVER left her alone with her. We find ways to tactfully get out of whatever situation she's asking for that would require her to be with them alone. Sometimes it takes GREAT sacrifice and discomfort on our parts, but so far has been worth it. My kids still love to go visit, and before she was in the wheelchair, asked to go see them and had lots of fun. You will have to figure out what you want to do, but I think it's important for kids to know their family, the good and the bad. They will learn from it, and you can be a blessing in their lives even if they are incapable of being that in yours.

well, hopefully your husband can handle more of this than you since it's not even your momma...but if he can't/won't, obviously you know your sweet baby girl can't go w/her. i'm curious as to how long ago that 200+ pill incident was....do you think you'd be able to actually explain why she'll never have your baby girl alone? i.e., "Well, Susie (MIL), I know you really wanna be w/DD and I want you to, too, but because of what happened on 3/1/10 (insert appropriate date), I just still don't feel comfortable w/my baby being w/you alone." She'll defend herself, get mad, etc...which is where you'll have the opportunity to say, "I'm primarily concerned w/my DD's safety, but I am also still very angry at you for what happened on 3/1/10...it was left to me to find you gone (dead! but sounds too harsh) and I'm still really freaked out/upset about that." The truth is truth is truth. She can't shy from the truth. That's how I would handle it. Plenty of people take that combo of meds and function fine & don't att. overdoses/suicides. But she has, and you know that's the reason your DD shouldn't go. But I think she should know too from you so there's no covering up. Be of course tactful w/a nice tone, but it is what it is and she did to herself sweetie. You're being the good momma bear protecting her cub. :)
GOOD LUCK....geez! you may wanna drink a glass of wine or take a xanax yourself before calling her in case she acts a fool - lol! :)

You already know the answer. Don't let her manipulate you to do something you may regret later. When you take these meds there are so many side effects. The no. 1 side effect is no driving which is something that she may need to do in case of an emergency. I would do supervised visits with you and your husband in a hotel just as RED said. She sounds like she needs additional help such as counseling also. Be firm. Stick to your mama instincts!!