22 Month Old and Homebirth

I would answer NO for several reasons;
- Who will pay attention to her, put her to bed, feed her... ?
- If she sees you in pain (contractions) and everyone around you, she may want especially your attention or worry about how you feel
- She may think the baby is hurting you and have bad feelings towards her sibling
- The pushing phase can be traumatic (blood, body fluids and solids, grunt noises, screams...). It is for some adults!

On the contrary, she needs to associate the birth of her sibling to a positive event, where she gets attention... A day at her grand-parents, or in a special place with a care giver (zoo, children's museum...) may be better for her !

I'm not a homebirther, if that matters with regard to my response.

I would advise you to NOT have her there, only because she will not be getting hardly any attention. Even if you have someone there to care for her specifically, she'll want to know where you are, what you're doing, etc etc, and you will be, reasonably, otherwise occupied. There's a pretty good chance that she's going to feel awfully displaced by this baby anyway, I wouldn't want to exacerbate that in any way.

Also, I'd want to focus all of my energies on my new little one. The second baby gets so much less intensely focused individual attention than the first (in my experience) that I would want at least the birth experience to be all his/hers.

Finally, I don't think that your concern that it could be really scary is unfounded. Even if you're not a screamer/yeller, it's scary for kids to see moms and dads in very vulnerable positions, which is certainly what birth is.

Congratulations and good luck!

Hi Lucy,
Witnessing a home birth can be a beautiful experience for siblings! It's the perfect opportunity to show them how normal and beautiful birth is. Most children do wonderfully during the actual birth but some can get nervous during the labor, especially if you make "birthing sounds".
There are a few ways to prepare her for her sibling's birth. There are children's books that are specifically about home birth. You can also watch home birth videos on youtube so she knows what to expect. There are some awesome home birth videos on youtube that are peaceful and perfect for children to watch. You can also take time to explain to her what is going to happen and talk her through the process. She won't need much detail and as long as you explain that you're not scared, she won't be.
Blessings on your upcoming birth!
J.

All I can tell you is what I did: My daughter was also 22 months when I had her brother at home. I have pretty long labors so we hung out as family, went on walks, ate a big breakfast, etc. When it was time to call the midwife to come to the house it was late afternoon and we knew it would be a nightime birth so my MIL came and picked up our daughter and she spent the night with her. My son was born @ 1 am and I don't think my girl would have gone to bed easily or stayed asleep, our house is small and at the time she slept with us. I felt the intesity of labor and the actual birth would be too much for her to see and I wouldn't be able to do what I needed to labor being worried about her.

My MIL's sister had her youngest at home with a 2 1/2 yr old and a 4 yr old present. My MIL was there also with the sole purpose of attending to the kids, if they needed anything or decided they didn't want to watch, she took care of them. My husband and his bro were present for their youngest bro birth (my husband was 6 and his bro was 4) and they both to this day say they wished they hadn't been there! (they did great at their own children's births BTW)

I don't want to sound like I think it's a horrible idea (b/c I don't) but it wasn't the choice for us. If you decide to have your daughter stay I would suggest having some at your home who's job it is to take care of your daughter.

I would have an attendant for her. Ideally someone she knows and trusts like a grandparent or trusted sitter.
Whether or not the situation might be scary for her depends on the situation and on her personality. Some women scream out in pain when giving birth - others don't. Some children are more curious than fearful, others the opposite.
Even the shortest births usually take a long time for a toddler. It is not like she will be able to just sit and watch you labor for hours anyways.
As long as you have a caretaker for her while you're busy giving birth you will probably be fine. AND at 22 months, even if she watches and experiences some fear, it is rather unlikely that she will be scarred for life or even remember the experience.
Get a trusted sitter and play it by ear, she seems fearful - sitter can take her to the park (during the day) or watch a DVD or play a game with her in another room if your home allows.
Good luck.

Besides being your husband's only opportunity to be involved in his child's birth, it is also your daughter's only opportunity to be involved in her sibling's birth! I think it is really important to include her as a member of the family, and for a sibling to be at the birth can really enhance their bond and help prevent sibling rivalry later. I would plan to have at least one person whom she knows and trusts be available to be with her, to help explain things to her, take her somewhere else if she wants to go do something else, play with her, etc. This could be a sitter or doula or anyone else who could be there and available. I would even consider waking her up when the birth is imminent. I hope you are including her in the pregnancy, encouraging her to talk to, sing to, massage, and play with the baby now. Showing some simple beautiful videos of homebirths with siblings would be wonderful too. Please don't worry about her being frightened. Seeing this birth, which will probably go beautifully, will teach her on a deep level about how wonderful birth is, so that when she gives birth it will be easy and without fear. If there do turn out to be problems during the birth, a trusted friend who can stay calm and explain things to her and care for her will help her to understand and be calm herself. And of course when she wants to be with you, she can be with you as well. I would make sure there are several people available, not necessarily all at the birth, but within easy calling and driving distance, to help out if needed. It might be good to have some special toys/games etc available also, as well as other fun places to go, especially during the day. And during the labor itself, you may want some private time just with your husband, which is fine too. Also, I don't know how your first birth went, whether you were able to stay calm, but I would do whatever preparation you can for this birth to help allay any fears you have - such as watching good videos (like birth as we know it, orgasmic birth, birth day), doing prenatal yoga and meditation, massage, craniosacral therapy, counseling to help clear any previous trauma, as well as physical preparation such as exercise and optimal fetal positioning. Wishing you a fabulous family birth!

I recently had my first homebirth and we had both our other daughters there and involved (ages were almost 4 and 2 1/2). They did great but I did prepare them in advance (we talked about everything and watched a couple of birth videos). I also knew from my other 2 births (which were natural) that I wasn't at all "scary" in labor. For both my girls the birth was so special to them. And it was absolutely AMAZING for me to have them there. I used a tub and my almost 4 year old poured water over my back, asked me lots of questions (which I didn't mind in the least) and right after the birth she ran to get a book to "read" to the baby. The labor really had an impact on them and I believe being a part of it helped them bond to her immediately. They've never had jealousy and just love, love, love her. It was so special having them be a part so I encourage you to see if you can work towards that. I'd arrange for someone you feel comfortable with coming to be there just for her. Then, if she's not interested in the birth, or not comfortable she can just go and play and be taken care of (definitely not something you should be doing). Hope that helps.

Lucy,

You have some great things to think about from both sides of this issue. In fact, some of the comments have made me reconsider our choice to keep our girls away from their sister's birth next month (my girls are 8, 6 and 2 1/2). However, I would ask you to think about yourself, not just what is best for your daughter.

While I think my girls would be just fine with being present (having prepared them, of course), I have chosen not to include them in my last delivery as well as this upcoming one because I know myself, and having them there would really distract me from my focus. I use the Bradley Method and am hoping to do some hypno-birthing ideas this time, and I know how much I have to focus in on myself in order to relax and "ride out" the pains. If my girls were there I would be thinking about what they need and what's best for them, and trying not to look like I was in pain or scare them. This would totally distract me from my focusing, and I think end up being harder on me than labor already is!

Obviously, that is all about me, and you know yourself and you might be totally different. Just wanted you to think about it! Blessings on your delivery.
js
P.S. I think you should still have someone come over for a night delivery, just in case your daughter wakes up. What if there was no one there to specifically take care of her?

A homebirth provides safety and comfort for your toddler. I recently gave birth to twins at home and was worried about my toddler and how she would handle the birth process. First, I bought some homebirth books geared towards small children (had to order them from the Amazon.com in the UK). We read these stories and went over the pictures countless times. On the big day, I had some presents for her that my midwives or family could give her if she got overwhelmed or anxious so that she would have a good distraction. But as it turns out, she not only handled it well, she insisted on helping! She wanted to wear the gloves, hold the doppler, listen to the babies, even gave me water by holding the cup and letting me drink from the straw and telling me I was a good girl! SHe loved the entire process and my worries about her were unfounded, but I felt good knowing I had prepared for worst case.

The best part of being home was knowing she had her own space and toys to play with if she needed it. She would also be able to sleep comfortably if it went through the night.

I, too, have done home birth (three times now) and I had the same question. My son was born when my daughter was 25 months and we decided to have her in the room when he was born but made sure my mom was there to take her out of the room if it seemed to be disturbing to her or anything. We also watched videos of births with her a few weeks beforehand. During the birth when I was in transition and it was getting pretty intense I tried to make a point of looking over at her in between contractions to let her know I was all right I just had to work really hard to get the baby out. The third time around, my 2yo son was totally uninterested and stayed out of the room while my 4yo said she didn't want to be there until it was happening when she chose to stay. Within moments of her baby sister's birth she said "I want to have babies when I grow up, too!" This after a very hard half hour of pushing during which I was very "vocal"! I thought that was a good sign! Also, I was there for my sister's birth when I was 4 and I have only good memories of it - I always had a very positive view of labor and birth. Blessings on you in your decision!

i would go with what SHE seems to be comfortable with. have an open door policy(as long as there are no complications and you're not just howling in pain or something) - let her come and go as she pleases as long as you and she are BOTH comfortable with it. do have a grown-up there that is SOLELY responsible for your child(as in, not your husbad, who is your support partner). take her cues, and see what happens. good luck!

I attended a friend's home birth in December in order to "take charge" of her 23 month-old son. She wanted him to see his sister's birth if he wanted to be there, but ultimately we missed the delivery b/c baby came with the first push! He was uncharacteristically nervous and jittery (undersandably) with the flurry of activity in their house, and every time his mom moaned with pain he got worried and teary. We rushed down the hall to see his sister on his mom's belly right after delivery, and that was fine for him. He wasn't very interested in the blood or the delivery of the placenta - he was just happy to see his mom "feeling better".

That said - would you and your husband be comfortable having your trusted sitter at your delivery, and she could take charge of your daughter and move to and from you based on your daughter's needs and comfort level? If your sitter isn't comforable being there, could you videotape the delivery and your daughter could watch it with you later?

If you are in labor/ delivery during the day I would definately not have your 22 month old daughter there. Having a parent in pain can be scary for a child, and if she needs comfort, your husband will be the one to need to give it to her. Even if the pain factor is over her head, what if she keeps coming up to you asking to play? I don't think it will allow you to concentrate on the task at hand.

My oldest was 25.5 months when my youngest was born at home. She wasn't present for all of my labor (my friend took her to a nearby park and then gave her dinner), but was present for the birth. I'm so glad!!

One thing we did to prepare her was she watched the video of her birth. If we hadn't had that, my midwife had videos we could have borrowed. She got to see me in labor and my husband was able to watch it with her and talk to her about what was happening and reassure her that I was okay. She started watching those at about 20 months.

I feel like having my oldest present is part of why we've had ZERO sibling issues. My youngest will be 1 in less than 3 weeks. I am also tandem nursing them so that probably contributes to the lack of sibling issues.

It sounds like you are on the right track to making a good decision. As you know, no birth is 100% guaranteed to go as planned. And your considerations for your partner/husband are smart--our partners can't fully be in both the support and caregiving roles.

One idea would be to have the sitter stay at your home with your daughter. However, some women are sensitive to having others around during their labor, so it all depends on your comfort level with this person.

I'm not sure, at 22 months, that she will have positive or unhappy memories of this time. It all depends on the child, and how your labor progresses. Some women have fairly uneventful labors and are able to stay centered, birthing relatively calmly ( I don't mean passive here--I mean no "freak out", screaming and shouting, etc.) . Others have a hard time managing their pain or might find a child's presence distracting.

I had a pretty staightforward home birth and can say that, if we were having a second child, my oldest would likely stay with a friend until the baby was born, and then we'd love to have him come right in when things like placenta, stitches and a shower had happened. But that's just me. I think his presence would be a distraction for me, and I know that he'd want to be with me. (Kiddo is a mom-seeking missile!) I don't believe that this would be a memory that would last him forever...but taking a picture with baby and big sibling on the first day would be a happy, tangible reminder of the day they became a big brother, or in your case, a big sister.

Best to you, whatever you choose.

Even if I think that homebirth are amazing. I am sure your baby will see it that way, I think some children would but not all.
I don't know if I would be able to focus on the birth as I would be worry to don't scare baby if I scream or cry.
Besides I think she may want to hug you and you may not be able and she could cry, then daddy would have to take her out.
I don't think kids that age get disgusted or scare from see the baby born, but she may get scare for see other people in the room putting attention to mom, and mom not being able to hug her.
Maybe just bring her right after the baby is born?

My vote would be no. Little bit too scary. Jeez, some husbands can't even handle it! :)

I had a home birth and had the same dilemma. I decided NOT to have my child present (he was about the same age as yours) because a child at that age does not comprehend all the aspects of childbirth - and when a birth is happening anything can happen - the unexpected - kids are very scared with the sight of blood, and hearing their mom moaning/screaming out in pain, it is NOT worth the psychological terror you could be putting your child through. Your child can be there after bonding with your family unit - all in your home together, and they do not need to see their baby sibling being born out of their mothers' body to experience the closeness, the bonding. If anything putting the child in this 'trauma' at such a young age could have long lasting effects on a child that he/she may not bring up for many years to come. So if I were you plan ahead for someone to come in and watch your child. You will want to be focusing on your birth with your husband there (this like you said is his only/last time to be there, so don't let your child 'steal the show' away with distractions, that would not be fair to your husband, to you, or to your new baby). Plenty of time after to get your child involved in holding the baby carefully, being affectionate, etc.