Is It Really the Thought That Counts?

I don't blame you for wondering what this was all about and their intentions I would have felt the same way! You definently have the right to ask them the meaning behind this letter.

M. H.

I only read through a few of the postings, but I agree that you must do something where everyone is involved.

The other things that needs to be done is this needs to be addressed with the grandparents. For now it can be a fairly easy fix by buying a mutual gift or doing something for the family with the money. However, you need to think about how you'll handle things when the kids are older and the grandparents give a gift to "their" grandchild and ask that child to keep it a secret or they give the gift infront of the other kids -- my grandparents did this too me as a child. I was the favorite and my half-brothers were left out quite frequently. When I was old enough to understand this it made me feel bad to be "special" and I knew my brothers always felt bad. It later lend to me having a less close relationship with my grandparents.

I'd offer two options to the grandparents -- 1) they provide the same money for each child or 2) they do not give gifts at all.

I would spend it on all three and have them send a thank you note. I am sorry that she wasn't very clear and I hope that it isn't what you are thinking it is.

“we have decided to buy only for the grandkids from now on- hope you understand.”
from how i read that it means the grandkidS. plural. meaning more than one. so i would take that to mean all three of your kids.
did the check have anyone's name on it besides made payable to you/your husband? or any name in the memo? if not then i'd spend it on all three from the grandparents. have all three send thank you notes or one that one three can sign.

i'm usually not one to look for the bad in a situation so i probably wouldn't have even questioned what they meant,, but then again i don't have step children where that may have been an issue at different times. different experiences created different assumptions in all of us.

have a good christmas ;-))

I was a step-grandaughter myself. My step-grandfather always gave me what he gave his "blood" grandchildren, including being named a beneficiary in his will. I called him "Grandad" and loved him like a grandfather. It is so sad that your in-laws are making a distinction between blood and step relatives. Being from a step family, I know they can be just as loving and wonderful as blood families. In my opinion, it's your in-laws' loss. If I were you, I would split the $50 between all of your children and have them write a group thank you. You or your husband can explain to his parents that you don't see a distinction between step and blood relatives in your family; everyone is loved and treated equally. Happy Holidays to you and your family!

Hi,

I have a 15 year old stepson and 8 and 6 year old boys with my husband. I kind of understanding what is going on, sometimes my side of the family remembers that I have a stepson, sometimes not. It all has to do with the relationship that each child (or I) have with long distance family members.

It might very well be that your in laws do not consider your children their grandchildren. I wouldn't let it bother you especially if distance is preventing them from spending enough time with your family to see first hand your family dynamics.

It wouldn't hurt to write them a "gentle note" asking what they ment by the note and the sending money to the youngest grandchild. What kind of relationship does your husband have with his parents? Couldn't he just pick up the phone and ask them what the note was about, especially when they have sent your children money in the past. Are they experiencing financial hardships that you aren't aware of? I would (just tactfully as possible) have you or your husband tell them that is in your families best interest to have all the children remembered on special occasions. It doesn't have to be a big deal or an equal amount. Sometimes just a card is enough.

I would put $10.00 in an envelope for both older children as has been custom and then follow the instructions and get a $30 something for the youngest. Having all the kids write, "Thank you notes" which is a great way to demonstrate family togetherness.

With blended families there can never be exact equality. I would expect that your older children with the extra (one or two?) sets of grandparents will get more "stuff" for gift giving occasions because there are simply more members of their extended family.

Maybe the in-laws realize that and are making up for what they see the older children getting? Just a thought.

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

L.

While it's best not to jump to conclusions, I think "Enclosed is a check for Dane," says it all. Have your husband call them and ask them to clarify. If they really do intend to exclude the older children, let your husband address why there's been a change of heart with them. I think his words will carry more weight with them than yours. Hopefully this can be cleared up easily.

Is it possible that she meant she would no longer be buying for you and your husband, just the kids?

If she truly means that she is only buying for their blood grandchild I would have a SERIOUS problem with that!! I would recommend talking with your husband and have him let them know that the day you guys got married you all became a family and they got the BLESSING of two additional grandchildren. They can either choose to buy for all the children, or none of them. I know that is what my husband would say (and did... we had a similar situation)
Just my .02. I hope you have a very Happy Holiday regardless!!

Carrie

M., you and your husband have every right to feel disappointed in his parents. By sending the note that they sent they are clearly telling you that "blood relation" is what they meant. You can't change how someone else feels. Most important, don't let their narrow-minded feelings cause friction between you and your husband. Blended families are hard enough the last thing you need to do is introduce conflict caused by someone 1300 miles away. If you decide to not cash the check then obviously they will eventually see that it wasn't cashed so instead your husband should mail it back to them (remember, you aren't blood relation either so it needs to come from him) with a note that says, "When I married M., I married her children too. I may not be their biological father, but I am their dad in every sense of the word and it saddens me that you don't view them as your grandchildren because my blood is not running through their veins. M. and I strive every day to make sure all of our kids feel loved and accepted and our focus has never been on blood relation but on LOVE and fairness. It just wouldn't be fair to spend your $50 on Dane and nothing on the others. When it would come time to write thank you notes, which our kids always do, _________ and _________, would realize they didn't get anything from you and as parents we don't want to have to explain to them that blood relation is what you've decided to base your gift-giving on. We don't want to hurt their feelings and we don't want to make you look bad so we're returning your $50 check. As you said in your note to us - hope you understand."

Good luck M.. I've never posted to this site before so I don't know how I'll hear back what you decided to do but I will be thinking about you and your family.

I think the way I would handle this is to spend the $50 on all three children and have all three children write out thank you cards. It is possible that the $50 was meant to go towards the three kids, especially if normally they only spent around $10 per child. If your inlaws only meant for you to spend the $50 on your youngest then they could tell you after receiving the thank you cards and at that time I would have your husband address the issue. Good luck with that! As a "step" child myself, I cannot imagine how it would have felt if any of my "step" grandparents treated me any differently than their blood relatives.
Wow - what a potential mess!
L.

M.,
It sounds to me like your in-laws designated the money to the one child. I would take the money and split it three ways and have the kids all send thank you cards. This way they get the message that if they are not going to send money for each child you are not going to single out one of your children. This is really rude and hurtful to the children.If you feel uncomfortable by splitting the money-- how about buying a family gift with it that everyone can use.Good luck in making your decision.
A little about me a mom of one who is all grown up now.
T. E

Hi M.~
I think I agree with Christine. You never want to jump to conclusions. I would hope that if I accidentally offended somebody, they would feel comfortable asking me about it, so I would have to say be open with them and ask if the money is for one child or all three. If, in fact, it is only for one child, I would calmly thank them, hang up the phone and send the check back uncashed. Include a simple note of "all or nothing" when it comes to the children and be done with it. It gives them a chance to make it right if it really was a misunderstanding, and you will never have to second guess what the intention was.

~L.

Difficult situation. Since they have sent cards with money in the past to the oldest children, I may have hubby ask if there is a problem. Do your children feel an attachment to their Grandparents? Will they be hurt by this? Maybe the in-laws financial situation has changed?
In any case I would ask hubby to call and clarify - without being judgmental. He could remark that since the kids feel an attachment to them, that you would like to take the $50.00 and split it three ways. That way the children's feelings aren't hurt and it won't be awkward for anyone. I'd do all of this without mentioning it to the children.
Gifts are gifts - but the intent behind this may need exploring.....Just remember that you have to be willing to accept the answer, as hurtful as it may be they may not have thought it through and may not intentionally mean to hurt you or the older two.
And M. - I just read the previous response - the one that write the note for you! Good response! I think that may be the most appropriate way to handle it. Include a line that he (your hubby) has always appreciated their fairness in the past, and that he appreciates the support and love they have extended to the family. Suggest that he wishes this support to continue, and that if money is a problem, that gifts are completely unnecessary. The poster cut to the chase, and I think this may be the best way to handle it. Good luck!

You have the choices on how the money is spent. What they may have intended is probably offensive whether they know it or not. I might even get a family gift from them to have given everyone if you can find one, or a couple movies that you could all enjoy.

I'd also have the kids all thank them. With blended families people may not know how to behave and money could be a concern, it is less offensive to use those as the reasons and let it go.

Wow - they aren't showing the holiday spirit. You have to talk with your husband and decide how to handle this now as it will continue throughout the years. I'm a very upfront person, not afraid of conflict, so here is what I would do. I would have your husband question his parents - that's his responsibility. The conversation would be that they have 3 grandchildren, not 1. You are happy to receive a gift, but are not willing to accept it if it hurts / offends your family. Everyone can understand that following a budget is a good idea. Would they prefer that you split the money 3 ways, buy a gift for the family (dinner out, game...) or return it. You will not buy only for one child. All else fails, have the kids select a charity to donate it. Sometime grandparents just don't realize their actions can mean so much. But how you handle this and how your husband handles it will truly speak to your definition of "family". Good luck!

Our rule in our marriage has always been he deals with issues on his side and I deal with the issues ivolving my side! If you are unclear to what she meant, then I think your husband should be the one to talk to them.

The grandparents need to know what they are doing is hurtful to everyone. Where will it end? No birthday cards, phone calls, etc. for the older two? You may be spending the rest of their lives smoothing it over unless it gets addressed. The sooner the better!

It's sad when people don't think about how their actions may hurt others, especially when children are involved!

Good Luck & Merry Christmas to all 5 of you!

Wow, your post really made my blood boil. I have 3 step-sons from my husband's previous marriage, and we have 6 month old twin boys together. I anticipated this problem in advance, and made it clear to my family that they were not to single out the "blood" relatives (my twins) for gifts (or attention). either gifts for all the children, or for none. I understand the expense issue, but if they were going to give $20 to each twin, they could instead give $5 to each child. Like your children, my children would be psyched with that. I was very firm with my relatives on this issue, because I expect them to treat my step-sons the way that I treat them. they live with us 2/3 of the time, and they are my babies, even though they are big boys now (7,9,11)! I would definitely tell your in-laws how you feel, and ask them not to send any gifts unless they are willing to send them to all the grand-kids. also, let them know that the gift can be smaller, since they are dividing it between more kids. I mean, $50 is a pretty large gift for a 6 year-old, as you mentioned! $10-20 each kid would be more than enough. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I would put Christmas money for the "blood" grand-kids into a family fund (my family and I save money in a jar and then vote on something fun to do). All the children should write a thank you note, and say what happened to the money. Hopefully, the grandparents will get the point that you are a FAMILY, and do not divide yourselves along bloodlines. The important thing is to let the grandparents know in some way, either directly or indirectly, that it is NOT ok to discriminate amongst your children, and be sure that your husband supports you in that. If you allow the grandparents to continue sending the message that their "blood" grandchildren are more important than your children from a previous marriage, the long-reaching effect on your children and family will be more disastrous then less money at the holidays. it will become a self-esteem and family unity issue. stick up for your children, and nip it in the bud now. C.

Well, I think sometimes grandparents have very good intentions, but their messages confuse, anger, and mystify us. My husband's grandmother sometimes does this. She will send money to a specific person in the family, and then has something specific in mind that they should do with that money. It is strange, but we just smile, say thank you, write a thank you note and try to love her just for her.

As that is always easier than done, I think you and your husband should decide what is done with the money. If the opportunity presents itself, then maybe tactfully bring it up in conversation with your in-laws. I have found the times I had an issue with an in-law, if I just bring up the issue straightforwardly, sometimes they feel attacked and become defensive. Maybe there is a good reason for their actions, you just don't have enough information to know what it is.

THanks for reading this, I hope it helps in some way.

My thought is that if you accept this check, even if you split it among all three kids, you are by default encouraging the in-laws to participate in a very unfair showing of family. Your kids are your kids. Personally, I would discuss with my husband and then discuss with the in-laws that our family consists of these people and we will not participate in you showing only one person in our family love and giving.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It makes me sad for you and for them.

No. Your in-laws should not make distinctions among your children. Your husband should talk to his parents to understand their reasons. If it is because they can not afford to gift all of your children then they should gift none of your children.

M.,
Reading your post, made me want to jump up and slap your IL's. From what I take away from your letter tells me that the money is ONLY for your youngest son, Dane. NOT for you your other children, because they are NOT "blood" related.
I am sorry but Christmas is about the KIDs no matter how old they are OR if they are blood or not.
I have several neices and nephue's like your older children and me and my DH spend just as much on each of them for their B-Days and Christmas as we do those taht are "blood" realated.
And what is "Blood" realated anyway. Dose this mean that if someone where to adopt a child that due to the fact that this child is NOT "Blood" they are not part of the family.
This just boils my sikn, It makes me feel bad for YOUR older children. Yes, you will never tell them and will protect them from this CUREL event AT Christmas time of all times, but the fact is that your IL's are biggots in some ways. Hitlor was much like this only wanting the "RIGHT" blood in this world. ..
Sorry, I am ranting. I had to think what I would do, but if it were me I would send the check back (after tearing it up) and tell them that you will not play party to their way of life, and its best that they DONT get any of your children gifts if they cant play "nice"..
I am sorry you have to deal with this, this is something that you should never have to. My Mom always gets a little something for ALL her g-kids, no matter if they are "blood" or not.
As far as DH gose, I would leave that up to him. If he wants to call and address it with his parents then let him, but I would let him know how YOU feel about this.

T.

Baa Humbug, only blood relatives get gifts. Tis the Season to Share and play nice.

I think your husband needs to discuss it with his parents. Maybe they are truly ignorant of the situation, maybe not, but I don't think it should go unnoticed. For your older kids' sake. Good luck and I'm sorry you are dealing with this uncomfortable situation.

THAT IS JUST WRONG in my opinion. My mother always included my step son- Always. No question about it, I took him on as my son and treated him as my own, my family followed suit. NOW on the other hand, my sisters step son is "her husbands son" She doesn't fit into the mom role with him, in any way. Therefore, we do treat him accordingly. If it were me, I would split the money between the kids, and if your husband considers your kids his kids, I would have him address his parents and simply ask, what they mean by their note- stating- that he thought they were all grandkids to them. Nothing to get nasty about, just simply phrase the question in a way that they understand you are confused by their actions. THEN, let get one thank you card and let all the kids sign it.

I would definitely have your husband ask what is meant. I think it is clear that you and your husband will not be receiving gifts- and I personally would be ok with that- that's pretty much how it works in our family- once you have kids, Christmas focuses on the kids not that parents of the kids. Now, as far as the blood relation part. I think that until your husband asks for clarification and straightens that out, I wouldn't let any of the children know anything different is going on than usual because if it is a misunderstanding, I don't think the children should be dragged into or confused by that. Now, if it does come down to the worst- which is they are only buying for the youngest the "blood relation"- I disagree with what they are doing and I think your feelings of being offended are completely valid. I would definitely have a calm discussion with them before next Christmas and explain how hurtful that is to the other children and if they still choose not to be accepting of the other 2, I would ask them to explain it to the older children and put it to them to do the dirty work- also, in the long run, if it comes directly from them, they can never blame you for "telling stories" or making them out to be the bad guy. If they refuse to have that conversation with the older children. I would let them know that if they choose to only send money for the youngest, you plan to use it to buy something for everyone (a family gift like the other mammasource moms said). And even though their actions are very hurtful, I think it is hurtful enough that I would not try to explain this situation to the kids myself- I think it is an adult conversation and dilema that only the adults need to be a part of at this point. One day when they are older, you can explain it to them as necessary. Especially if down the road, they have a change of heart and realize how hurtful they were being and want to be more inclusive of the other children, your children will not have hard feelings.
All of that said- my brother and sister have a different father than I do, and their dad's mother ALWAYS included a gift for me that was just as nice as my brother and sister's. So I always felt included. It was not until about a year ago (when she became ill and I asked my mom if she felt any obligation to go and help take care of her) that I learned this woman, while nice to all of us kids, had made it very clear to my mother that she disapproved of my mom and to never expect any help- financial, babysitting, other- from her and to never ask for it. Now that sounds harsh- but more discussion followed and from that discussion I understand where she was coming from and understand where my mom is coming from and I have no harsh feelings about that- but I think it's because I'm and adult now and can understand a more complicated dynamic.
Anyway- good luck and I'm sorry you have to deal with such a complicated relationship.

M. I know how you feel. My grandparents give my oldest $50 for xmas each year and sometimes my four youngest get a little something and sometimes not. Last year the youngest four got practically nothing. The thing is, is that they are all blood relatives. It is hard to say why people treat grandchildren different and whether they are blood or grandchildren by marriage should not matter, they are still grandchildren. I have kept my mouth shut for 12 years and divide up money between my children. My husbands side of the family always buys my son xmas presents because to them he is family. This is a hard situation because you do not want any hurt feelings between you but maybe your husband can ask since they are his parents. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you all.

I wouldn't accept it. Send it back and tell them u dont want it. My mother in law does the same thing. Never gets my 2 older girls things but does my son. Its very h*** o* my girls when they realize it. Good Luck

Oh, M.,
this is hard...

Really sad, that the grandparents 'check it out' this way!
I do not know neither you and your husband, nor the grandparents, so it's not a suggestion, just pondering...

Not to hurt anybody's feelings but make it somehow work better:
If dad (your husband) would find it okay to talk to his parents and tell them that whatever they decide is their decision, and he does not interfere, BUT: to raise the kids of HIS FAMILY right (which includes your two great 'blood' kids that he accepted into his family as his own dear ones), to raise all the three kids right in his own family, he'd ask for the grandparents to send these two kids A CHRISTMAS CARD, with no money if they decide so, but some sign of presence.
If grandparents will refuse, then it's a pity" for them, as they lose a lot, and sad, because one day, when growing bigger, your two kids will feel some bitterness about it, although they will certainly understand.

Splitting money, or buying something from grandparents is a nice idea for the current moment, BUT one day your kids and grandparents may meet, and then kids will remember some present that you bought for them 'as if from grannie and grandpa', and as they are raised the right way (you are great parents, dear ones), and they might suddenly thank them for the present again (oops!), yet grandparents in reality have no clue about it!!! What will happen then? So, this is an innocent lie for the better, but might turn out to be dangerous for some future situation, you be aware of it...

It is really a tough situation, as Dane will grow bigger, and if grandparents will stay firm to their division, then later it will be harder yet...

The best way as I see it from as much as you shard the information, is for your husband to try to persuade his parents to call or send a card for your bigger kids..

I am really sorry you need to go through such a situation during this wonderful time...
again, you are great parents!!!!!!! and your holiday will be most wonderful!

All the best for you all, and happy holidays!!! M.

I would spilt the money or by one family gift. Then I would have each kids send a thank you for the gifts they received form your in-laws. If the subject comes up again, then I would have my husband tell them. We thought that it was how they meant for it to be spent , just for the grandkids not the parents and that he was sorry if that was not how they meant it and if that was not the case that you as a couple would have sent it back. Being that you are a family and need to treated that way.

M., I see this is a hot topic and I have not read all the items listed. For what it's worth I am very close to my mom and she has been struggeling with a similair decision. She has 8 grandchildren, some step some not, some living far away others very close. They are retired and do not have alot of money to spend. She has been thinking of a cut off age for gift giving for grandchildren and I don't blame her. I have even suggested it be 13. I have very young kids but I have no problem with her just sending a card on those special days when they reach that age. I do think your MIL needs to clarify with you what her intentions are but I would not get upset if that is the case. Talk to her, do not send e-mail or a note because things get lost in translation that way. Talk to her to find out and give her a chance to explain her reasoning behind it.

Rather than not cashing the check or not saying anything and letting it eat away at you, why not get something all three kids could enjoy? I know the age difference is fairly significant between the youngest and his siblings, so it may not be quite as easy as that. Another option would be to donate the money to a cause the kids care about or to just split the $50 among the kids - put it in savings, let them spend how they want, etc.

If you decide to include the older two I would suggest having all three write their thank you notes to your in-laws. The kids don't need to know that they're grandparents only sent to the youngest, but the grandparents will know that your family chose to include all of the kids regardless of blood relationship.

I hope that made sense...

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

I have only read some of the answers (which all seem to be angry on your behalf) and so I wanted to put it in a different perspective, in what my parents have done.
The man I call father actually adopted me when I was 3, I have 2 sisters (who are "his") and I did not know I had a different father until I was about 9 years old. I'm 31 now and I still have not met that man, but I have contact with his family members who are aware of who I am. Anyway, growing up I was always treated as a family member, but occasionally as I got older my paternal grandparents would spend time with my sisters or they would get a little bit more money on their birthday then I would get on mine. No biggie. Even now as adults with our own children, there is some serious favoritism happening. It bothers my mom more than it bothers me. I love my dad and my grandparents, but I also have this whole other "secret" family that my sisters don't have. So, it evens out. ** I want to add that in the end, my sister's have become very materialistic people while i have not. i always joke it's because they were spoiled by my grandparents, and they sometimes agree.

Now. I am also a step-mom. My step-daughter has been in my life (and my families) since she was 5 years old, and she will be 11 in January. My immediate family sends her gifts and cards for her birthday (she lives in another country with her mother, who sadly doesn't encourage her to send thank you cards.) It is obvious to me that my mom is playing favorites, which is ironic because of our situation, but it is not obvious to my girls. And here is how: she opened some savings accounts for all of her blood grandchildren and deposits a little bit of money in them on occasion. None of the grandkids even know it exists and probably won't until they are 18. I guess she looks at as my step-daughter has 4 sets of grandparents, and maybe that is not as fair as my daughter's set of two. I don't know if this theory justifies her actions, but this old school way of thinking might be similar to your mother-in-laws thinking.
As for your specific situation, I would talk to her via the telephone, or have your husband, about what she intended by the check and the letter. Maybe instead of them sending checks, they can just open an account for your youngest and send no gifts to anyone?
I personally would divide the money the way it always was, $10 each and put the extra $20 into a savings account or in a gift for them all.

I agree with all posts. Find out!
I would also send the check back if it was not far all 3 but ask why the sudden change?
GOOD LUCK!!

In this case, not so much...Your in-laws are very clearly trying to hurt you or your kids. WHO CARES if your older two children are not their blood. In a loving family, they would be "adopted" into the family through the marriage to their son. They are YOUR blood, and according to God, you and your husband are ONE. I would definitely (gracefully) confront them on this. And it is important that they know that your husband, their son, stands beside his wife and children. I also would not accept the gift because that would be like accepting their behavior which is just plain cruel. I guess I would tell them that although they do not seem to acknowledge all of the kids as their family, all of the kids ARE your family and you will not create hurt feelings between siblings over $50...
So sorry that you are put in such a hideous situation! It's too bad that some people are so cold.

Hi M.,
Hmmm...that's a tough one. I thought about what I would do if I was in your situation, I think I would have my husband call his parents and figure out what the letter meant. If it meant that only grandkids (all of them) are getting gifts and not adults I would be fine with that. If only your youngest would get a gift I would explain or it would hurt your oldest 2 kids and please not send anyone a gift. It isn't fair and they should understand your point of view. Good luck and happy holidays.
Chris

She obviously has her reasons. (wheather justified or not). since it is your husbands mother, he should talk to her. He should get the point accross that you are a family and when you get one, you get all. He should tell her that it hurt you that she wouldn't include the step-children in ther gift giving. I would then have him ask her for her imput on wheather or not he should split the money between all the kids, or return it back to her. The important thing is not to offend her. She probably felt she was being fair and right in her decision. (although I disagree wholeheartedly myself). I don't know her, but she seems to want to do right by you, otherwise she wouldn't have given anything right? If she is the kind of person that likes drama and pushing buttons, be firm with her and tell her that it is not acceptable to single out one child because of "blood" relation. Anyway, you know her better than anyone responding, so you ultimately need to decide the best way to handle this situation (I am sorry you even have to deal with this at all!). It is not about money, it is about intention. I just think that you need to be kind to her and be greatful for the gift wheater it was given with malice or not. Thank her, but explain why it is hurtful to your entire family.
I hope that made sense. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out! Remember to keep the spirit of christmas with you when you discuss the situation. I know it will help everyone.

I agree with another post that you need to communicate open & honestly with your inlaws so you don't have to fight this battle every holiday/bday, etc. But I caution that you need to be kind in how you do it because they are your husband's parents, regardless of how they act.

If they say you can do whatever you want with it, then definitely get gifts for all 3 (or do a family outing). And have all the kids write their thank you cards.

If they say they have decided they do not wish to contribute toward your oldest 2, then you can put the money in your youngest's bank account for when he is older. Don't bother with a thank you card since your youngest won't know about the money for now.
OR you can give the money back as one suggested, but I think that might open up an all-out family feud [it would with my inlaws].

I would definitely ask your husband his thoughts on how to handle & he should be involved in the discussion (if not leading it). Once you two are in agreement, then proceed in a way that doesn't negate your opinions but won't end up causing family riff. In the end family is one of the lasting blessings (?) :) in life that we have - it isn't worth the additional stress or headache.

Hi M., I like alot of these advices you've been given. I thought I would share my situation with you, of what happens to people on down the road who treat others like that. My sitution is sort of the same, only, my kids are her blood, my MIL only acknowledges her daughters two children, not my husbands 3 or her other sons 2. We all live within 10 miles of her. She now has 4 great grandchildren none by the daughters 2. We stayed civil, but now that my 3 are grown, 26-23-18 she is called Mary, not grandma. My mom is their grandma, she has always treated my kids and my brothers kids equal. So, in the long run, Mary lost out, she never treated them as grandchildren and now they don't treat her as a grandma. What goes around comes around. It was a long very hurtful batch of years for my kids and my other niece and nephew, none were dumb or blind. I also feel sorry for my SILs two, they are sweet kids, who also knew what their grandmother was doing to their cousins. I'm so thankful, the kids always got along so well, which is why we kept going over there and putting up with it the whole time, it was all about the kids. My husband and his brother talked to her, didn't do a bit of good. Some people are just mean and won't change no matter what. Good luck in whatever you decide to do in this situation. :)Sue

For now, I would probably cash it and give each child the same amount of money to choose something, and send a thank you note. After the holidays I would make it clear that you love your children all equally, and that you expect them to treat all 3 children equally. Good luck to you...and sorry they put you in such a crappy position!

Hi M.,
I think that there is lots you could do.
1. Send the check back.
2. Don't cash it and screw with their check book.
3. Let the youngest take the family out for dinner on the $50.00 and have the kids all together in a letter thank the Grandparents for a night out.
4. Tell the Grandparents that they are no longer going to be called Grandpa & Grandma by the oldest 2. Oh, and that they will no longer be invited to all the family funtions only 1 of every 3. Because there is only 1/3 of the gatherings held for Dane.
This really makes me angree. We need to think of the children. What kind of message are we sending to them. I am so sorry that they are so hurtful to you oldest. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas.
B.K.

First let me say I am sorry, the letter does seem quite confussing, here is how I would handle it. I would divide the money as equally as possible and give each one a portion, I would then have each child send a thank-you letter. What are the in-laws going to do? Call and say it was only meant for so and so? I don't think so, and if they do then your husband is going to have to let them know that they are his children also and that he hopes they can respect that, and if each child isn't treated equally he would appriciate that none of them recieve any gifts so that none of his children feel left out or neglected. Having each child send a thank-you letter will also help reinforce that idea, with out starting a "war".

I just had a thought...Does the granparents of your oldest send stuff only to them and not your youngest? Is it possible that maybe they are seeing this as unfair? I know my granparents always sent something small for my sister who wasn't thier grandchild, so that she didn't feel left out. Which is odd cause my grandparents sometimes forget to acknowledge my 2 who I didn't birth, but I do think it is more from age then anything and I do have 7.

Sorry got off track LOL. I think it can be approached in a way that isn't confrentational(SP) and yet still makes a point. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I agree that the statement "enclosed is a check for Dane" is pretty much meant that their only doing Blood relatives. However, Maybe your hubby can do a little probing to find out if it's that they are wanting to exclude your other two or maybe, one of his siblings voiced a displeasure that it's "not fair" because they think your hubby is getting more then.

if she's sent them at least something in the past, then it seems a little odd to all of a sudden to stop. Unless, there's some sort of hardship there.

If your hubby considers all 3 kids equal and his kids then he should express that to not only his parents, but sibs too.

Either should feel pretty comfortable (but probably preferrably from your hubby) since they've done so in the past. Just say you want to clarify their intent, since it's is different that previously.

I have two older children, ages 9 and 6 from a previous relationship. My husband and I have a 8 month old together. Although my in laws don't intentionally leave the older 2 out, I am always reminding them that they have 3 grandchildren not 1. They live close and want pic of baby and bought him a bunch of stuff for at their house. My older two feel left out. I have told them, and will keep telling them, all of my kids are equal. They can not favor one because he is their blood. I would speak up and if your in laws don't plan on doing anything for your other kids, send the check back. Good Luck I can somewhat relate

You can actually look at this in many different ways. Most of them will only make you miserable. As a mom of two step sons and two biological daughters I have been through more in law drama then I care to admit. However, it has been my policy to take the high road and give benefit of the doubt whenever possible. About the gift, gifts are just that, gifts. None of us are entitled to anyone else's assets, no matter how small. We are also not entitled to tell anyone who they should or should not provide gifts for. You mention that you live 1300 miles away. With that distance I would guess they are just checking off the list of who they need to buy for, and perhaps they feel this is all they wanted to spend this year. They may only think of the youngest as their grandchild, and without a close relationship to the other children, that is very natural. I would not try to tie some "possible" dark ulterior motive to their actions. If anyone is to speak to them, it definitely should be your husband. I would rather suggest a simple question...like "Hi Mom, did you want the $50 to go to just Dane, or all of the children? " and then honor their wishes. I would want to think about the question back to Mother in law very carefully. If someone that I sent $50 to asked if I were sending more for the others, I may feel hurt, or possibly offended so she may too. I have some relatives who give gifts to my step sons and some who do not. It does sting sometimes, but it just is what it is. I do not give gifts with the intention of receiving something back and I want my children to be raised the same. I would guess if you and your husband traveled with all three children to grandma's house, that there would be gift for all. If not, you still can't make them buy for all three. Not saying I don't agree that everyone should get a gift, just that you can not control someone else's desires or feelings. If grandma says the $50 is for just Dane, rather then spend it on something that is immediately noticeable, I would drop it into a 529b education account. At six he is much to young to be counting gifts...he won't notice the difference. And save the card in a special place and let him know he was special to grandma...as she won't be around forever.
Best wishes. CK

After reading the responses and reading your letter a few times through, I think the most prudent action would be for your husband to question them. Like one of the posters said: "I take care of my side and he takes care of his side of the family."

Questions coming from you are more likely to be taken the wrong way, and having your husband reiterate his commitment to his stepchildren would make a very strong statement.

I'm hoping for the best for you!

I would say so!!
I would do as you said- if you want her to see your point either do not cash it at all, beings that it wouldn't be fair to the other children, and she may never send money again. Or she might rebel and only buy Dane a present next year. Or you could just split it, and then let them write thier thank-you, but then decide whther to give the in-laws, the thank-you's from the older two. if she gets a thank-you from all three, HOW will she react??
or if you don't really care then go for it!
Or i would tell her that all of your children have feelings and are equally loved by the two of you and that you don't think it's right that they get a gift and not the other two, so you are going to split it and see what she says

Your in-laws are trying to cut out the non-blood related kids. That is UNACCEPTABLE! I would have your husband speak with them and find out what their intentions are truly, and if they are what they appear, I would not cash the check at all- I might even send it back to them, explaining your feelings on this.

I have one adopted child and two biological children, and I would not accept anyone not accepting ALL of my children, EQUALLY.

Personally I would call them on it. The older kids have been part of the family for more than half their lives. It's mean to not include Christmas funds for them, it's favortism, and they need to know that you and your husband don't appreciate it.

I say you have three options, since clearly, she meant it only for her blood grandchild when she said "enclosed is a check for Dane"
1) buy a family gift and have them ALL write a thank you note.
2) Split it 3 ways and have them ALL write a thank you note.
3) Send it back with a note stating if they can buy for all (even if it's just $10 each) or none and your husband should be the one to write the note since it's his parents.

It's too bad they put you in this prediciment this time of year! Best of luck to you and don't let it spoil your holidays! And let us know what you decided to do.

Oh My...I would be really upset. To me, it sounds like the money is only for the "blood" relation, with no intention of sending more for the older children. I would HAVE to say something. That just is NOT right. And if you dont address it now, it may get worse. You dont want this to become a tradition...I would definatlly have your husband talk to his parents. I would also have him suggest that they spend the same amt. on all 3 children!
Good Luck, in-law issues are never fun!

A little about me:
Happily married for almost 5 years and stay at home mom to two beutiful children under 4.