MIL Showing Favoritism Towards Grandchildren

I think the 16yo is old enough not to let it bother him...good Lord...he's almost a man.....get over the babying of a grown boy.

H.:

Sorry - you cannot control what other people do. To demand that someone treat all children equally? If you were my DIL? I'd say - sorry. You don't tell me what to do. Would I treat them differently? Yes. Because NO ONE is the same - not even twins.

You might not like what I'm going to say here and I'm sure others will not like it either - but these are MY thoughts and opinions...take it or leave it.

As to your elder son? Get him into counseling. The teenage years can be h*** o* EVERYONE and one that is not feeling "in" sucks. Find a martial arts program to get him in - this will help build his confidence and many other things as well.

As to the motorcycle for your 7 year old? I would return it. Spend the money on all three kids.

Your fiance needs to tell his mom not to lavish the kids with expensive gifts. Can he control her or stop her? Nope. She will do what she is going to do. You expect her to run out and spend more money on someone who isn't blood related to her because YOU demanded it?

What sucks is that you and her son aren't married and yet you are expecting HER to treat your son from another relationship the exact same as she would her blood grandchildren. You have unrealistic expectations. You've been with this guy how many years? Have kids together and still not married? Seriously. You go around throwing demands. What if his mom threw the demand that you get married NOW and make her grandkids legit? instead of illegitimate....so do you see how unrealistic your demands are?

Work with your 16 year old son. Stay involved. Don't pity him. Life is NEVER fair or easy. Help him. Lead by example and get him involved in Martial Arts. Maybe you can too. It's a great thing to do!!!

Well at the risk of being flamed i think step one might be to grow up a bit. He isin't her grandchild. I don't expect my mother in law to get things for my daughter. We are able to handle that one just fine.
My parents do everyone is equal at Christmas. Birthdays not so much, but we dont rub that in or make a big deal about it. The kids go with our flow a lot. If i made a big deal out of it, then they would feel the slight.
By 16 he knows how the world is.
Gifts from a distant connection won't solve his depression or cause it. If you are truly concerned about his depression I suggest counseling to start.
You can't tell or force someone else to love your child. That only leads to resentment and hurt feelings.

You all have been together a long time.

But your son is your son until you are actually married and then your son will then be related in some way to your MIL.

She is not partial to all of the grandchildren just her own,. your child is not her grand child. And will never be until you are actually married into their family and your husband is then really a stepfather.

I know it may sound old fashioned, but it is actually just the way it is.

Your attitude towards your sons gift will pass along the feelings of being slighted your son may fell. And so instead hold it together and let him enjoy the gift without showing any sort of hard feelings. You need to model the behaviors and reactions for your son.

You are saying your sons father has not really been in his life until now. This is very emotional for your son. I am imagining and just making assumptions and possibilities......he is feeling some anger, hurt, excitement and some worry about how long is this going to last and what was wrong with me before?

Maybe even, did my mom work hard enough before to let us be together? What really went on that dad was not here for me? Why didn't he love me the way mom does?

This means you can either be very open with your son and allow him to share all of his true and raw feelings or you can take him to a counselor (not a school counselor, remember in high school they are academic counselors) So your son can purge and then work through the feelings he is experiencing.

This is a chance to take care of this so he can begin to have healthy self confidence, get rid of any abandonment issues and be able to identify and express his needs to all of you,. It will allow him to decide what sort of relationships he needs in his life in the future.

Hang in there. Blended families are very delicate. Right now I encourage you to concentrate on your sons emotional needs, not worry with controlling future MIL.

It's hard to have a situation as you described. Unfortunately, people are not always going to listen and do as you say (your MIL). A blended family can be tricky. Is there something that changed this year to make the gift amounts different? It sounds like you and your fiance have been together close to 8 years, so is this the first year that you have had this situation?
It seems there may be more going on with your son. 16 is a tough age. Unfortunately, I recommend dropping the gift thing with your in-laws (this could start a bad situation all the way around) and use your energy to continue to concentrate on your son.
Just my two cents,
R.

I'm still mostly stunned by the 300.00 in gifts for each 7 year old. To me, they are not neglecting your son, they are spoiling the younger kids. That's what would bother me. A 50.00 gift is super generous. You and your son should be grateful for that. I would ask your fiance to ask his parents to please scale back on the amount of money and gifts spent on the twins. And hope DF can communicate that with enough tact and grace that his parents will follow through. If not, I would filter the overindulgencess and donate some of the excess spent on the twins rather than feeling slighted they aren't gifting your son up to that ridiculous level.

H.....you can't legislate feelings...by demanding that your fiance's parents treat all of the children the same I would imagine you are making them feel even MORE distant towards your 16 year old son and making them LESS likely to do for him!!
A lot of it may also be the way your older son has treated them...is he distant and unfeeling towards them? Do the 7 year old twins enjoy spending time with Grandma and Grandpa...and show them that they love them?
Does your 16 year old treat them the same as he treats his other grandparents"
I am sorry..I have been ( and still am) on the other end of this situation. I have a 44 year old step son that I helped raise...he has 2 children...a son 21 and a daughter who is 16. The ONLY time that those two grandchildren ( Or the 6 year old great grandson!!) contact me is when it is their birthday or Christmas is just around the corner. Do you honestly think that I feel the same way toward them as I do towards my grandchildren who skype with me on an almost daily basis...who love coming to spend time at my house and how tell me they love me when they are with me? No way!! Is that wrong of me? I don't know...I struggle with feelings of guilt for not feeling the same way towards ALL of my grandchildren...but I am human...and if you ignore except when you want something ( and my DIL is the same way...she calls if she needs help with an overdue bill) and don't bother even calling me on my birthday or wishing me a happy anniversary...then don't expect me to fawn all over you!!
Maybe you need to use this as a learning experience for you son...talk to him about HIS responsibility as a grandson...and let him know that as hard as it is...life is not ALWAYS fair!!!

This may not be a popular answer, but you really can't dictate to people how much or what they give as a gift. Does it suck that she feels a closer bond to her biological grandchildren? Sure, but there could be a reason for it that you're not sharing with us or that you're unaware of.

Sometimes grandparents (and even parents) favor certain biological grandchildren over others and that's just how it is. You can REQUEST that they don't show the favoritism in obvious ways and if they don't honor that request, you can minimize the time that they spend together. But you can't change the emotions involved and you can't force a relationship. It's a very sticky situation so you really need to tread lightly here. Going in guns blazing and all "OMG Mamma bear is coming out because this is UNFAIR TO MY KID!!!1!!1!11!!" is not going to work in this situation. You need to approach this with some understanding of your MIL's side and speak with her gently even if it kills you to do so. Explain your position with kindness and "I" statements rather than going on the attack.

And for what it's worth, you were wrong for peeking at the gifts. You have no clue why she chose what she did. So for you to confront her right now means that you're going to have to admit that you peeked and why.

I hate to say it, but you will have to find a way to get to a place of acceptance with this. I know this myself.

My dad and his wife, I know they love my son. That said, of all the grandkids, if I were looking at dollar amounts, I'd be upset. We've decided not to mention it in front of our son, not to bring it up when he gets older. We want to protect the relationship he does have with my folks, and so we focus more on the times we spend together than the gifts.

Some days, this is more difficult than others. I take into account that their gift-giving doesn't come from the healthiest places, and then I factor in all the other wonderful, supportive people we have in our 'family' of friends. They are doing a lovely job of showing my son that the universe is indeed looking out for him.

My guess is that if your son balks at the difference in cost or type of gift, being empathetic without trying to explain it will be helpful. Sometimes a gentle "yeah, I have no clue what was going on in their heads either" is better than trying to make sense of a situation. There will be plenty of times in life that things aren't fair: passed over for promotion, the office jerk gets a better bonus, the other guy get the girl... I'm not saying its right.

And as Laurie suggested (I swear I should just stop writing on here because Laurie A's been on a roll of awesomeness, can I just say?) counseling may be in order. For what it's worth, I grew up feeling 'other' in my family (multiple marriages, only half siblings, etc.) and still do within that realm. I'm 41 with a lot of counseling behind me but those feelings are still painfully present at times. It is getting better. Helping him have a chance to heal those feelings earlier on could be a big help, because it does tend to radiate outward to other relationships sometimes. If you don't 'belong' in family, where do we belong? Find a good counselor before he leaves home, while you still have the momma-authority to make him go.

Wow. You've got lots of answers already on this one... I am in a similar situation with a five-year-old that has been adopted by my husband (his bio dad is deceased), a 15-month-old between the two of us, and a 12-year-old that is my husband's from a previous marriage. My MIL openly spoils this granddaughter. Giving extravagant gifts not only for birthdays and Christmas, but just anytime they happen to be together. My other two children receive very little.

It's not really a problem at the moment b/c my two kids are too young to notice. But I know they will in time. As many posters have said before me, I can't change my MIL, but I can assist in the process when they see the favoritism. It's sad that these things happen, but I think it's something we sort of choose when we have blended families. I see this as my chance to instill some empathy in my children - to be aware of treating others equally. Is this fair? No. But is it life? Yes. You can protect and fight your chikdren's battles forever. Your son is more than old enough to understand this now.
Good luck!

In our family there were no step kids -- just biologically-related kids, and my MIL still treated each one differently. She doted on my nephew and got him cool gifts like a robot or neat nerf gun, and the three granddaughters (two of whom were mine) would get a coloring book or a box of pla-doh.

It has caused some resentment, but over the years my daughters and my niece have learned to laugh about it. They know you can't change grandma.

As the older kids got into their teens, they got fewer things than the younger ones as well. MIL had already decided that Christmas is for children, and teenagers aren't children anymore so the fun sort of stopped for them.

My advice is to get over it because you can't make people do what you want them to do. And you'll have to explain to your son that maybe grandma dotes on the younger ones and he's not so young anymore. Your son might not even notice how much the grandparents spent. Don't bring that up.

On one hand I can understand how you feel.

My granddaughter usually gets a joint Walmart gift card from her dad and his mom on her birthday and at Christmas. It's for $100. My grandson is lucky if he gets $30 child support per month from his dad. The dad usually works at cash paying jobs so the state can only take out child support if he works a job where they turn in taxes and stuff. His family has never even seen this child so they do not acknowledge him in any way. I never let a birthday or Christmas go by that he doesn't get a gift from his dad. I would never let him sit and watch while his sister opens her gifts from her dad and Grandma X, that would be cruel So I do understand how you feel about this.

But the truth is that your older child is not related to them in any way. I would really try and give some benefit to them for even buying him anything.

On the thought of what they bought the twins. They bought one of the twins a motorcycle???? At 7 yrs. old??? Doesn't that tell you something about their thought processes? Their son needs to have a heart to heart talk with them and tell them he didn't think the motorcycle was an age appropriate gift. Unless he does think it was totally cool and wonderful. Too bad you can't give the motorcycle to the older boy.

Well, all I can say is he at least got a present. My children didn't even receive a card from their paternal grandmother this year, and it didn't go unnoticed. Last year she gave them each a CARD. My oldest wrote her a thank you card to thank her for remembering her at Christmas. MIL commented to my husband that it was odd to get a TY for a card and that I had put our daughter up to writing the TY, which I had not. From a young age, our children have written thank you cards for everything they have received, and now do it without being told. MIL gets gifts for her son, my husband, and not for anyone else. (He is her only child). He isn't even close to her as he didn't have the greatest childhood. He does things for her, but I think it is mostly out of guilt since he is her only child. It makes me mad that she doesn't even acknowledge her only granddaughters on their birthdays or Christmas. She has never liked me and for almost 19 years has tried to cause problems in our marriage. She used to favor our oldest daughter until I pointed out to my husband that she was playing favoritism. He evidently said something to her because that is when she quit acknowledging birthdays and Christmas. Needless to say, our daughters have no desire to see her or spend any time with her. Can you blame them? So I would say your son made out all right. At least he received something and was remembered.

I sympathize with your feelings on this. You dont want him to feel left out and I think any mother would understand that. However I also think that since he is not her biological grandson and they have not been terribly close (or at least you said he is not super close with her son, your fiance), I would not expect the exact same treatment that she shows her biological grandsons who I would assume she feels closer with. She has likely been involved in some way in their lives since their birth, but with your older son this is not the case. I can tell you that I have a sister in law who has a college age daughter from a previous marriage and two young boys from her marriage to my brother. My mother, and myself, have both tried to help her daughter feel more comfortable with us and definately go out of the way to include her in stuff, but it is just not the same. she was about 13 when they got married. Maybe you already are, but make sure you are encouraging your son to invest as much as he can (or wants to) in the relationship with your inlaws. I know that my mother and I have always felt that my sister in law never really made it seem important to her how much her daughter bonded with us, and I know this is because she did not want her to feel forced into a relationship with us, but that has frankly kept us at arms length. The daugther is invited to everything, but rarely shows up to our family events. When it comes to Christmas gifts and such, there is a huge difference between what we do for the boys versus the older daughter. I guess I would also have to agree with another poster who said if anything maybe you need to ask the MIL to scale back on what she is giving the twins versus asking her to do more for your older son. You also said this is not historically a problem, so maybe she just wanted to do something extra special this year for the twins but this will not be the case going forward. If you can, try to sit down and talk to her and let her know that you were a little confused and it made you feel worried for your older son, etc. if you talk to her about it plainly and in a non-confrontational way, it will likely enhance your relationship in the end.

You say your son still isn't close with his potential step dad so I assume his family as well? Could they be reacting to the wall your son is putting up?

I am kind of playing devil's advocate here, I can't imagine trying to be equal when the feelings coming back to me aren't equal. Maybe for a little bit but over seven years?

I hope it all works out my only personal experience is that my older two don't reach out to their step grandparents so I don't expect them to reach back. My younger two they treat equally. That was why I wondered if it was your son't interaction with them that is causing some of the problems.

Nothing seems harder than blending families.

It happens a lot...not saying it is right (cause it's not) but it does happen. Let me also say that teenagers do tend to feel "the odd man out" even when there isn't a blended family situation. When there are younger half-siblings, it can be even more pronounced. Lets face it, a younger child is "more into Christmas" than older kids (you know, the Santa magic and all) so it does often happen that younger kids may get more presents or more spent on them so it can be a fine balance but $300 vs $50 is a HUGE difference. What you don't say is if the $50 item is something your son REALLY wanted and/or what your fiance's reaction is. Also, it isn't all about the cost but the thought so please tread lightly.

I have a 20yr old (college student so it's not like he's out on his own) who was 15 when my daughter was born. I tried to be sure he didn't experience this type of issue and I think I've done well but my inlaws are actually much better at it then his own father (who has two little girls of his own....our son was 12 when the first one was born). They actually told him they would get him a hat he wanted for his birthday (so no one else got it), then after more than a month they finally ordered the wrong one (yes they knew it was wrong but the right one was long since sold out). It sucks!

Cheryl had a lot of great points! You are making demands that her son's girlfriend's much older son have equal money spent on him when she doesn't even do that for your twins. I don't know how you can demand that they all be treated equal. It makes me sad that your son isn't close to your boyfriend, I would hope that after eight years or so you would be more together as a family. Work with your sixteen year old, he needs your love and attention.

I agree with Laurie A. Hang in there.... I'm sorry its so rough right now. After you get married, things will settle down and even out.

M

If you were my relative, I would treat the boy the same as much as possible. I would shower him with presents and he would call my his favorite aunt and mean it. I would be understanding and have insight because I am empathetic.

Do I understand that this is a child not related to your fiance or his family?

If so, I don't see how you can DEMAND equality. The blood relatives are going to be the one she is bonding with. Your fiance should be the one to address this if anything is said.

I also think you need to realize that maybe she doesn't get it. Can you sit her down CALMLY and explain it to her?

The reality is many people will never see a "step" as real family. I am hoping in your case she is just ignorant and will become more understanding.

Personal experience. It didn't harm my kids. In our case, it was the older one who had dozens of gifts and a thousand dollars of clothes while the younger did not. When the older got old enough to realize that almost all the gifts under the Christmas tree were for HER and not her baby sister, SHE was the one who got upset. I told her not to worry because we were not bringing the younger one up to feel jealous, or slighted, or to care about such things.

WE did not make an issue of it. The older dd's relatives COULD'VE had another family member (my younger daughter) but THEY chose to exclude her. That was *their* loss.

Both daughters grew up pretty "zen" about their relatives. Life isn't always fair. And people are people. They both love each other (they are both adults now), and are both compassionate, kind people.

And btw - it is much more fun buying gifts for 7 year-olds than a 16-year old.

This shouldn't be on your MIL. And she's not really your MIL yet... She may be old fashioned and figure you're not actually married. If your son isn't close to your actual fiance, why would your fiance's mother feel close to him? I don't get these demands on grandparents. And she's not even his grandmother. It wasn't her choice to have a step grandson. You need to decide if she and her behaviour are enough to stop you from actually marrying your fiance. That's really all you can expect to control - your decisions. I learned to expect very little from my MIL. She didn't even spend $50 each on my daughters who are her biological grandkids and she never does!! Some years she's sent NOTHING. So what? That's between them. Your son is 16. He knows this isn't his real grandmother. Where are his real grandparents? That's who you should have an issue with. Or if it's important to you, add a bit to what your MIL gave to you son. My husband has gone and bought things and said they were from his mother bc the relationship is important to him. So if you want your son to feel he is viewed equally, then you need to step in and help. And perhaps your parents should spoil him a bit. He can learn that where something is lacking, something else may fill the gap. If I were your future MIL, I'd start resenting your son if you were makign demands on me. If my son came and said "I'll do the work to make it seem equal bc I really want to marry her and she won't marry me" then fine. But a future DIL making demands on me? No way.

We have reached the end of this issue with my in-laws. There may be a difference bc you're not married yet, however. Are the 7YO twins from the boyfriend? if so, perhaps the length of time bw their conception and now and no marriage has made the MIL wary and since ur eldest wont be in the picture much longer (college in a year or less), why bother to establish a relationship? It may not be equal but perhaps it is reality.

In seven years of marriage, my DH and I have dealt in an ongoing manner with this situation with my own in-laws. My DH was the one who put up and maintained boundaries, sometimes better than others, with his parents and in my opinion that is how in-law relationships are best handled - through the blood relation. If your boyfriend is unwilling to do this, however, as the child's mother it is your responsibility to protect him. The grandparents can make all the excuses they want, but it's totally inappropriate to treat grandchildren unequally in this area as it creates competition, hurts feelings, leads to bitterness, and really opens all the relationships up to dysfunction. We have come to the end of this scenario, with the MIL standing firm on we, as the parents, are irrational and she'll do as she pleases, and my husband telling her that his family comes first, she's been given our boundaries and ways to mitigate relationships appropriately, and as she's unwilling to respect us, our children, and our boundaries, she will no longer have any contact with them until they are 18 and allowed to decide for themselves. Her response was to sue us for full custody, citing us as abusive since we wouldn't buy the kids anything they wanted whenever they wanted. Of course she was laughed out of court and discontinued the litigiousness within a few months retaining her attorney.

My point is, that is where this leads and your boyfriend is the only one who can really establish the boundaries and enforce them. the inlaws have no reason to respect you, though in a perfect world that wouldn't stop them. The MIL's son has to set and enforce boundaries. and the MIL's son has to be willing to fight for and stand up for your son. and the MIL's son has to be willing to go with the consequences that his mom chooses. Hopefully your situation will work out better than ours has. We wish his mom had made different choices. That she didn't is greatly regrettable.

Good luck Mama!

yup my fil is just like this, my oldest is from a previous relationship shes 8 my husband adopted her and he is daddy. well my husbands retarded father cant get that thru his head. he will call and ask to talk to my youngest, not the oldest he will get the youngests bday gifts and come to the partys nothing like that for the oldest and when christmas rolls around i pretty much go off the wall... this year he got my youngest a disney princess doll. and he got some cheap a$$ poster markers and stencles for my oldest from walgreens!!!! i about hit the floor even my oldest looked like she was about to cry it was awful. the first christmas he got my youngest a little pillow pet thing slippers 2 books and got my oldest a 5 dollar barbie i refused to see him for months. sadly i have to say after 7 years not much has changed but i have come to expect that hes just going to treat her diff and their is nothing i can do luckly everyone else on his moms side sees her as family and actually spoils her mopre than the younger so it works out. sorry this is so long but ive never had anyone else have this problem!