Path Towards Termination

I think that the biggest concern is not whether or not to terminate, but rather can you and your husband agree whether or not to terminate. If you cannot come to an agreement as to what to do, I think that could really affect your future together.

I do commend you for knowing your limits. People love to say "you will learn to deal with it," or "God never gives us more than we can handle." I simply do not agree. If it was true, then why are so many people faced with stress-related issues? Clearly they have more than they can handle at that particular time.

If and your husband decide that termination is the best thing for your family, don't let anyone "guilt" you into changing your mind - especially with the whole "everyone I know regrets doing it." Bull, they do not, they just say that. Who stands up and says "YES, I am SO glad I did that!"?

Good luck in whatever decision is right for you.

I too know of several people who have had abortions and of them, only one person regrets it, and that is only because she is having a hard time having a child now that she is in her late 30's. She did mention that if she had a baby or were pregnant at this time then she would happily stand by her choice of termination back in her 20's. If you do not want another child or feel that you cannot care for another one, then you should not have one. End of story. This is a choice that only you can make (and your husband to a certain extent but it sounds as though you are the major caretaker) and it cannot be an easy one but I think deep down you know what is best for you and yours. DO NOT let ANYONE guilt you into making a decision that goes against what you feel is best. Also, please strongly consider doubling up on birth control (both my children were conceived while I was on BC...these things happen).

As some others have said, this is truly only a decision you and your husband can make. Given your previous posting last week, and what I told you -it's still up to you! I know many women who have terminated pregnancies, and I have to say that not one of them regrets it. They terminated at all different stages of life -teenagers, late 20s, early 40s, but each had a definite reason they did not want to have a baby at that time, and they're all glad they didn't have a baby at that time. I get extremely sick and tired of all the anti-choice people who constantly say EVERYONE regrets it and EVERYONE is plagued by it. That's simply not true. For many women, if it was a terrible time to have a baby -then it's a relief not to be having a baby. I'm sure there are women who regret having an abortion for a number of reasons, but there are just as many who don't!

I am so sorry t hear you are going thru a rough time with this!
I'm sure everything will be fine with your baby though... some people don't know they are pregnant till even later than you and never have any prooblems! Especially if you tend to eat healthy anyway! There are so many people who are so sick at first they can only eat certain thing (mcdonalds french fries! lol) and their babies turn out completely normal!
As for having 3 under 5... that is a LOT of work and they'll keep you busy but you CAN do it! I promise! If you really feel that it's just too much then maybe you could consider adoption? (it would be very hard I know and i'm not sure if I could ever do it but it is a wonderful thing to do!)
I am just thinking that if you are already torn about the decision you would probably regret having an abortion. It's something you can never undo and if you DO end up regretting it it is very hard to live with! I have a friend who had an abortion and she told me before that she thinks about the baby EVERY day... I cried when she said that!
I'll be praying for you... You will be fine I know! God Bless!

I would really think about this one- unless you have been drinking heavily and doing drugs then your child will probably be just fine! Most women don't discover they are pregnant until 6-8 weeks and then adjust their lifestyle accordingly.

I would also make sure that you and your husband are on the same page b/c there could be long-term implications for the health of your marriage. Having a special needs child can happen for various reasons, even for the mother who "does everything right". Talk with your husband and the doctor. There are medications that are considered "safe" during pregnancy for depression and you have plenty of time to get into counseling should you elect to have the baby.

A very dear friend of mine elected to terminate a pregnancy at 8 weeks for similar reasons. She is now married and her life is stable- and she is expecting in a month. This is a highly personal decision and one that you and your husband need to be prepared to live with for the rest of your lives. You two need to come together on this one first and foremost.

As long as you are at peace with your decision, you will be fine either way.

T., this is a very personal and private decision. You can get advice from everyone on earth and few will agree 100%. I do not have much advice, but wish you best of luck and peace with your decision ~ which ever it may be, you'll chose correctly for your family. Hugs to you!

Don't let the fact of not taking care of yourself be the reason for termination. Most women like myself don't even know they are prego until about 8 weeks. I like to drink socially and love my wine and drank PLENTY of it before I knew about unplanned addition. My poor son! He is a perfectly healthy baby boy today and my OB assured me that what happened with me happens with alot of women. Hope that helps you a little.

I don't think you could have done any harm yet. Unless you were heavily drinking & using drugs! Some people go through a whole pregnancy not knowing they were pregnant until they went into labor, and they have healthy babies! (I watch that TV show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant")

The baby should be fine, and you can always discuss more detail with your doctor if you are still concerned.

A new baby is hard for anyone, but especially someone who is already overwelmed. I had my first when I was 19 and some family members were trying to get me to give her up for adoption but I wouldnt do it. After my second at age 21 I felt overwhelmed and had depression. I eventually came to the realization that this is my life and I love my kids. I dont know what I would do without them. I am now 32 weeks with my 3rd. At first I was freaking out because it was not planned and my other two kids are 4 and 2. But now I am soo excited and my kids are patiently waiting the new baby, especially my 4 yr old. I wouldnt consider termination just because your depressed, there are ways to help you and if you have a good support group you should be just fine. Just think if you do terminate and then you look back and wish you hadnt. This would make the depression even worse. Im not trying to talk you out of it, but just think about it really hard. If your husband is willing to help you through it and have this baby then you need to talk it over. If he says that then he wants the baby. Dont make any rash or selfish decisions. Just remember there is help and your doctor can help you too. Good Luck in whatever you choose

I have not been through this, but I strongly urge you to not do it. I've talked to others who have had it done, and they all regret it. Your baby should be just fine. Most women don't take perfect care of themselves before they concieve.
You could always adopt him/her out to a loving family if you don't want to keep the child. Good luck in your decision.

Try not to let yourself assume there is something wrong with your baby and try not to assume that you won't be able to care for 3 kids under 5. It is a lot of work, no mom will lie to you and say it isn't, but you can get help not only through continued counselling, but also for day to day things like helping you get a schedule that works for you, helping with the house, etc.
Talk to your doctor, talk to your kids pediatricians...get resources for people that can help you not only during your pregnancy, but after the baby arrives as well so you feel you have a support network.

My grandmother made no secret of the fact she wasn't happy when she found out she was pregnant with my dad. He and his brother were born so close together they were practically twins. And, she had a child older than my uncle. So, 3 kids, bing, bang, boom. She cried and cried and didn't know how she'd manage. But, my father was her favorite and easiest baby. He was happy and good natured. She always said she cried and fretted so much when she was carrying him that he didn't need to do any of that when he was a baby. Several years later, another boy was born and she loved all her children, but my dad remained her favorite as far as the bond between them.

Depression and anxiety are horrible invaders that make us afraid and second guess ourselves and lead us to feel there is no way to move forward, let alone come out on the other side of the dark places we can feel stuck in. But it IS possible!
Continue to get counselling for your depression.
It sounds like you have a loving and supportive husband who wants to help you through it.

The baby you are carrying didn't cause your depression and terminating the pregnancy won't end the depression. I'm no professional, but I fear it might actually make it worse.

I pray you won't terminate your pregnancy, even though it's totally your choice, but when you do begin feeling better, and with counselling and work, I believe you will, you may regret a decision you made when you weren't thinking clearly.

Like I said, getting rid of the pregnancy, won't get rid of your depression.
There are women who give birth without even knowing they were pregnant and therefore had zero prenatal checks. Some even drank because they didn't know they were pregnant and they have healthy, beautiful babies.

I fully support a woman's right to choose, but being afraid something might be wrong because you haven't had prenatal care at 8 weeks shouldn't be a reason. And, fearing you won't be able to handle 3 kids under 5 shouldn't be a reason. Your husband sounds like he wants to work on getting you better....

I wish the best for you, whatever you decide.

So many people do not get any sort of prenatal care, and their babies turn out just fine. As far as terminating, I wonder if it just sounds like an easy way out. If you really can't (or don't want to) take care of another child, do you know how many women out there would love to be mothers but can't? Adoption is an option, you'd be giving the child a chance and a family would be ecstatic to take care of him/her. Just make sure you've completely thought everything through and you and your husband are in agreement.

I do not have any experience with termination, but I do have something I'd like to say to you, only because you have said that you and hubby are still discussing the issue.

When my 3rd child (3rd girl) was 10 months old, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with my 4th child. My husband and I had just had a conversation a week earlier, and had decided to hold off at least 5 years before deciding if we wanted more children. I was absolutely devistated, and until that day, I had never thought that termination would be an option for me. We discussed it at length and we cried...a lot. I cried for a couple of weeks. In the end we decided to continue with the pregnancy and accept what life had in store for us. While my husband was completely supportive either way, the decision was left up to me ultimately. I rationalized it this way; I knew that there was a possibility that I may want another child in the future, and if I chose to terminate this pregnancy...what if I couldn't conceive and/or carry a future child when I decided I was ready? This was a chance to complete my family which I had already determined as "incomplete."

When our 4th child...our son...was born, I had my tubes tied, and finally feel like my family is whole. There is nothing missing. I can't help but wonder how I would feel today (he is 7 months old now) if I had made the other choice. I look at him and am convinced I would still be grieving the loss of a life that I had never even wanted to begin with, but can not imagine living without.

If you can not take care of this child....GIVE IT UP FOR ADOPTION!!!!!! There is another choice!! Many people can NOT have kids and WANT them.

Now....since you are going to terminate you should also tie your tubes!!!

You probably have not harmed the baby by not doing prenatals and stuff if that's your worry. If you've ever watched that show, I didnt know I was pregnant, you'll see plenty of people have no prenatal care whatsoever and have healthy babies.

Perhaps you could find some child care or a family friend who could help out with the children so that you could get counseling and/or just have "me" time instead of terminating the pregnancy?

This is a very personal decision, and you have to do what is right for you. On an open site like this you will get a lot of pro-lifers pushing their agenda and wishes one you. This needs to be between you and your husband. Having 3 children can be hard, but it can be done. What it really comes down to is do you want anther child, or are you comfortable with termination. Is your husband comfortable with termination or will it drive a wedge in your marriage if you proceed? I know several woman who have had terminations, some regret it, some don't, but all feel it was the right choice for them at that time. The one woman I know who really regrets it now does so because she is now in her mid 30s, is not dating and has no prospects, works all the time, and is facing the reality of never having the family she thought 10 years ago she had plenty of time for. That is not you, so whether you would end up regretting it or not I do not know. Search your heart, talk to your husband, and do what will be best for your family.

Blessed Be

T.,
I'm with the moms who say your baby will be just fine. I found out that I was expecting after a lovely weekend of mucho margaritas. Our daughter is absolutely fine. Give this all quite a bit of thought. I know personally, I don't want another child. But an abortion would be absolutely off the table for me if I were to become pregnant. I know a couple of moms who have had them, and their guilt and pain is truly excruciating for them. On the other hand, I have a friend who has tried everything to become a mom (including spending $50k on fertility drugs/procedures) and still no baby. BTW, I used to be pro-choice; until I held my daughter in my arms for the first time.

Myself I would never consider termination I feel you made this baby you cant just get rid of it, its a human being. Im not saying your a bad person if you feel your not mentaly healthy enough to take care of this baby then you are doing the right thing by not keepin it ,however you could choose adoption there are so many people who cannot have children, but you also need to talk to you husband and both agree on the decision. And since your not too far along you can correct your eating habits now. My prayers are with you.

I'm confused as to what you're asking.
Are you considering termination becuase you "haven't taken care of yourself"?
Or have you already arrived at that decision or are aware of birth defects and are looking at how to deal with it?

If it's the first, I can assure you that your child is probably healthy. Most women eat horribly during their first trimester anyway, and most doctors don't do a prenatal visit until 8-10 weeks.

I'm not trying to sway your decision. You're going to get a lot of that. But it sounds like your decision is tied to being unhealthy for the first 8 weeks, and if that's the case, rest assured, there's probably a healthy little person in there. Up until the 80s, most women drank and smoked and had no idea they were pregnant until they were 3 mos along. And then they kept doing it anyway! (And we're all healthy for the most part).

Just a little confused.

Faced with an unplanned pregnancy, I had to make a decesion. I kept mine, because I personally could not forgive myself. That is just me. I ate well, but did not take prenatals. I had a normal pregnancy and now a normal 5 year old. There is probably no damage what so ever to your unborn. Think about all of the women/girls who smoke drink and there babies are born fine and healthy. I believe in God and I believe he will take care of all of us, all we have to do is ask. I look back at me when all this happened- 24, pregnant, in school and 1300 miles away from home. I kept herd and am glad. We had help, like my husbands parents but I think of my life as blessed to have this little girl, that brings me up when I am down.
I have suffered from depression off and on for years and mine is caused by situatons. Life is hard and you can't do it alone. I wish you the best and hope you make the right decesion. You can always pm me if you ever need to talk about this- I am not judgemental. God Bless.
Victoria

Hi T.,

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed with this pregnancy and your two children. I can totally relate, I have 3 kids 2 and under so I'm completely overwhelmed and the thought of being pregnant again would also be terrifying to me. However, I wanted to point you back to the comment your husband made to you about having 9 months to work on your depression. It seems like he is telling you he would like to have this child and not have you end the pregnancy through an abortion. He may or may not have told you this directly, but read between the lines b/c this is also his child you are talking about too. Believe me I get where you are coming from, I'm just saying that you guys really and I mean REALLY need to be on the same page with this. I know it would cause major problems for me if my husband where to do something that would effect the life of my child without my agreement. Also, I don't think you've caused any harm by not taking prenatal yet. I know a girl who smoked and drunk until her 6th month b/c she didn't know she was pregnant and the baby was and still is fine. Just start now so you've done everything you can for the baby. Sending love and a prayer your way!

;

u didnt do any damage at 8 weeks. calm down. if u dont want more children dont have more children. relax. things arent always bad. find the positives behind the frustrations. your being stubborn if u cant find any.

I got pregnant the first time I had sex. I was almost 19, in college, and no one to turn to for advice. My period was supposed to start the week after I had sex. No period so the second week I did a pregnancy test. Positive. The third week I had an "evacuation". It hurt like hell. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary.
As far as taking care of yourself, with my first child I was three months pregnant before I found out. I had been with my ex-husband for seven years and never got pregnant. Even tho doctors said there was no problem on my part I just figured I couldn't get pregnant. Boy was I surprised when I went to the doctor because I was so exhausted all the time and constantly not feeling 100% and was told I was pregnant, with a guy that I was planning on breaking up with after 2 mos of dating. I had to do a second test at home. My now 6 yr-old son has been healthy and strong! Unfortunately, his dad is a loser and is not around.
I think it would be very hard to terminate after 8 weeks. Your body & hormones will have been making all these changes. If you have a supportive husband and your financial situation is good enough to have 3 kids then, if it was me, I would definitely consider keeping the child. Eight weeks would be too long for me to wait and still terminate. I would have developed too much emotion for the baby and it would be disturbing to end it. I have a gf that had five kids under the age of 5 and she is a realtor. I still do not know how she did it except for that she had enormous support from family members.
Also think about this - if you will not be mentally prepared for 3 kids under the age of 5 how will terminating a pregnancy affect your mental health? I still stand by my decision but even to this day, 24 years later, I think about what would have happened if.....I would have an almost 24 year old child now. What name would I have picked out? Was it a boy or girl? Please do not think a termination is easy. It is not.
One more thing, my best gf has a 12 year old daughter she had when she was 17 yrs old. She NEVER wanted another child. She starting dating her boyfriend 4 years ago. Three years ago she terminated a pregnancy because they did not feel ready for a child. Now, she has had one ovary removed and the other is affected by endometriosis and cysts. Her doctor tells her that she may never be able to conceive again. It really messed her up for awhile. She is more accepting of it now but it has been hard for her.
Whatever decision you choose will bring its own whirlwind. Good luck to you and if you want to talk individually my email is ____@____.com.
J.