Separation Anxiety - Tracy, CA

I think this is pretty normal. I've found that the longer you stay, the worse it is. If you just walk in, give her a hug and kiss, and then quickly hand her off to her teacher, she will not have a chance to get all worked up. She might start to cry, but by that time, you'll be in the parking lot starting the car. And as soon as she realizes you're not there, she'll stop crying and go play with her friends. When my daughter's teacher told me that the second I was out the door, my daughter stopped crying, I stopped feeling so bad about it! And once I stopped feeling bad, she picked up on that and realized there was no point in carrying on, so she stopped. Now she runs to get to her class. Hopefully leaving quickly will work for you too! Good luck.

How about a timer? Set it for 5 minutes and let her be with you that whole time in the classroom, maybe sharing with you what she is going to do that day or showing you a special classroom pet, whatever she wants. Be very upbeat and interested. When the buzzer rings, it's time for mom to go. Does she cry after you leave? Lots of kids do not, just when mom is there. Good luck!

Well I have had to deal with this from my 5 year old too. Man, she can turn on the water works and guilt trips like nobody's business! Personally, I have enlisted the help of the teacher. All the way to school we talk about anything but school, and even what we will do after that will be fun and exciting (even if it is a 15 minute trip to the park by our house). I have asked the teacher to take her as soon as I get there. The teacher has been awesome. As soon as we get there, and put her stuff away, I kiss and hug her bye, and the teacher swoops in and has her "help" her get ready for class. It helps, believe me. My 5 year old never did this before this school year, and I know she has a good time while she is there, so I have to tell myself that this is normal and she is fine. I have also learned that the more I try to soothe the situation, the more intense it becomes, so now I just drop, hug, kiss, and leave. She has suffered none, and it has actually now that the school year is waning, gotten a lot better, most times, the teacher doesnt even have to do the swoop and distract!

Good Luck!!!

If your daughter did not have this problem at her old school, it could be a problem with the school. Do you have a good sense of what happens after you leave? Eg, is she happy during the day? Does she nap well, and seem happy when she is involved in activities? One source for this information is other parents, who may have the ability to observe her if they have different drop off or pick up times than you do. When we had separation issues with our son at his first preschool, I knew the situation was bad when other parents were telling me that he was unhappy, crying, or isolated when they dropped off or picked up their own kids. We pulled our son out of that school when he still seemed unhappy after 5-6 months. We waited that long to pull him out because we were concerned that he would continue to have issues at any other school we chose. But our fears were unfounded -- he adjusted to his new, more home-like preschool very quickly. We knew within 1-2 weeks that we had made the right decision. So my message to you is: don't hesitate to try something new if this school does not seem right for you and your daughter.

Do NOT do what Evelyn suggested. NEVER EVER EVER "slip out" on your child. You WILL make it worse if you do so. I can not stress this enough. No teacher should even allow you to do this. The negative effects it has on the child and the child's learning are discussed in Early Childhood Education classes (also called Child Studies).

How can a child learn if they are afraid that the most important person in their lives won't come back?

With that said, did your daughter help pick out the school? If not, then search for preschools that you BOTH like. I did this with my daughter after I moved from Las Vegas to Yuba City. Every time she'd hang on to me, or say hold me I knew it wasn't the school. There was only one school that she kept talking about afterwards and went off to play with the kids while I talked with the Director in her office. It worked very well and she was happy there and loved it.

Dear C.,
You may want to plan to come early and stay with her awhile. Once she is preoccupied you can slip out. Sometimes its just important enough to put the time into things for your children, and I think knowing you are there will give her the grace to transition into the new environment. If the kids know you aren't leaving then they start to move out on their own. Its worth the time to help her feel confident in this new place. Hope it works out for you. Ev

I found this interesting with my own child. When I took her to daycare, I was out the door in less than 5 minutes. When my husband took her in, it took nearly an hour to get out. She knew he'd play with her and stay. She knew I had to go to work because children were waiting for me at school.

Ask the teacher if it stops shortly after you leave. If so, start leaving earlier and earlier.

Maybe plan out what you are going to do once you arrive...help her put away her jacket and lunchbox and look at one center before you leave. Also, maybe time your drop off so that one of her good friends is present and she has someone to join into the activities along with her.

Good luck. It's tough when they cry.
Stephanie

This was one of my biggest concerns also since my daughter will be going to Kindergarten as well this Fall and only 1 kid from her preschool is going to the same school as she is! This is what my plan is (I'm taking a page from the mom of the 2 girls I used to babysit!). See if you can get a hold of the phone number(s) of the kids in the school. Talk to their parents and see about scheduling a playdate with them outside of school. This will help her with getting over the initial shyness about meeting kids/people and at the same time start building her group of friends. When she's seen them socially, chances are she'll when she sees them in school, she will be reminded that it's one huge play date - only with more kids! The school that my daughter is headed out to is St. Finn Barr and they have a "meet & greet" day where all the incoming kids and their parents come in and meet everyone. This is the perfect time to get phone #s so that playdates can be set either individually or as a big group throughout the summer! This way, when it's time for them to start Kindergarten, they already have a group of kids that they'll know as friends! :) That was one of the things I loved about this school! Good luck! :)

I have 2 kids, and the transistion is an adjustment. However, if your consistent and find out how come she feels that way. You might be surprised, and learn the reason from your own daughter.

My son is 22 and my daughter is 19 w/ 7 months girl.

Letting go is tough, but communication will solve everything

I worked in Daycare/Preschool for 2 1/2 yrs. and can vouch for the fact that 99% of the kids who go in to hysterics when being dropped off stop within 5mins. of being there. I definitely agree with what one of the other ladies suggested; enlisting the help of her teacher, that's part of her job! She should be welcomed and immediately invited to DO something. You can also play up any particular interests she has. My daughter loves art, so when I was starting her in Preschool for the first time, I took her into the class and showed her some of the art supplies (the teacher always had an activity laid out to start the day with). Within seconds, she was so engrossed with her project, that when I told her I would be back later, I could barely pull her attention away enough to get a goodbye kiss!! Also, just a thought to remember, kids are very sensitive. If you are becoming anxious about the possible meltdown at drop off or are at all uncomfortable about her being there, she is going to pick up on that anxiety, which will just fuel her fires.

I am an elementary school teacher and before that I taught preschool for many years. I agree with your daughters teachers, this is probably normal. Your daughter is going through a transition of going to a new school.

There are a few things that you can do to help her transition be easier.

Prepare your daughter on the way to school. Talk about the good things, the things that she likes about the school. Maybe she has a friend or an activity, or a teacher that she enjoys.
Spend some time at the school with your daughter (15 minutes maybe) doing something. The best thing would be an activity table where there are other kids and a teacher, that way you can help her have some successful interactions with other kids before you go. When you leave do not just sneak out. Your daughter needs to know that you are going. Tell her that you love and and when you will be back to get her. Give her something to look forward to...like "Tonight when I pick you up we will go visit so and so..."
Once you tell her good bye you should make sure that there is a teacher there to help her transition and make it a little easier. It is important to leave when you decided to leave, if you stay just because she starts to cry you are really just drawing out her discomfort. She probably cries for a few minutes after you and and then she is fine and goes about her day. The teacher should be able to tell you whether this is true or not.

Hope this helps :)

Some preschools aren't for everyone. My now 11 year old did that same thing to me when she was in preschool. I loved it there, but she didn't. I found a new preschool and she was as happy as could be and still talks about Miss Patty to this day. I recommend checking into other preschools.
Good luck to you and your daughter,
B.

Just tell her she is stsrting big kid school since she is a big girl now, When you drop her off just take her to class hug/kiss her and go. Don't look back before you know it you will be the sad one that she doesn't even want to say goodbye to you.

Well, first of all, how long has she been behaving like this at drop off? If it's longer than the 2 weeks or so, I say it's all for drama & to make Mommy feel guilt. I do agree you should look a bit further into this & see if she's having some other kind of problem at school. If the teachers say it stops shortly after you leave, chances are, it's all for you but you may want to stay one day (at a distance & possibly out of your daughter's sight) to observe the classroom. Does she have friends? Does she talk at all about her day once you get her from school? Any particular activity she likes to do a school? I also suggest you make your good-byes quick....a kiss, a hug, let her know when you'll be back & then hit the road. Ask the teachers to help w/transition by giving her a big hello & taking her to an activity to ger her engaged. If they aren't willing to do this, then they aren't doing part of their job & you may want to consider another school. But the key is to stay consistent w/you the short & sweet good-byes. If you waiver (SP?) at all, even for just one day, you're back at square one. Be strong & good luck!

My son will be attending Kindergarten in the Fall and has been attending the most incredible preschool for the last 4 years!
He will not no anyone at his new school either. I can totally sympathize with you.
Everything I have read and been told by the teachers is...make your departure VERY quick. Hug, Kiss, Love you, Bye bye. 2 minutes tops. It makes it easier for the teachers to transition her. Then you can take a sneak peak through a window and I bet in less than 5 minutes she will be settled and happy. Also, On the way to school if she is complaining about not wanting to go, acknowledge her feelings by letting her know you hear her, but don't buy into the drama. Of course if this carries on for the whole year, you may want to look into if this is the right school for her.
Good luck!

This could be a phase, but could it be the school? If she didn't do this at her last school maybe you should examine the new school further.

Maybe this new school isn't the one for her? I went through this with my two oldest sons. They had been in preschool for a while with no problems, then I switched them to a very nice, very clean, upscale preschool that had a little more of a "school" environment for the older kids. I wanted them to be ready for kindergarten.

Well, all of a sudden they started crying when being dropped off and talking about how they didn't want to go back. I kept them there thinking this was normal, but that is one thing I really regret doing. My sons still talk about how much they hated that place and they are now in 4th grade! I don't think there was anything really "wrong" with the place, they just didn't have the love that my boys needed to feel safe, secure, and happy.

We moved them after about six months to a school that was very cluttered and much older, but when you walked in you could FEEL the love hit you.
My boys loved it, they had no problems and looked forward to school once again. I was blessed that this new school went through kindergarten so they were able to stay an extra year!

If your daughter has not been anxious before at being left at a daycare, etc., I would look into what is upsetting her at the new school. Many times it can be the treatment by another child or a teacvher or teachers aide. Look into what is going on after you leave her. Usually if a child is anxious to the point of tears the night before it is because something is either hurting her or scaring her.

I regret putting my 3 year old boys in preschool. I took the oldest one out in Sept. after things deteriorated. I made his younger borther finish the year (they are three years apart but had similar experiences). When they were 4, I switched preschools and had no problems. I recommend that you take her out of preschool. I just don't think all kids are emotionally ready at the same time and I found it just didn't matter.

Kids can start kindergarten as late as 6. What's the rush?

I wish you well!

It's a tough one! I remember as a child doing the same thing when I went from elementary school to junior high. I literally sat in the counselor's office and cried all day. I was so scared! There was really nothing anyone could do - I just had to get used to it. the counselor let me sit in her office one day - after that she would walk me to class, crying and all, and make me stay. Once I started making friends, it was better. I think the only thing to do is make her go every day and it will get better. I think the long 30 minute goodbyes are detrimental, however. You should take her to class, sit her down and walk away. DON'T LOOK BACK! Hard and cruel as it may sound, it will actually make things easier on her in the long run. Say goodbye and walk away. Save your tears for the car!

Hi C., I have been an elementary and preschool teacher for over 20 years now. I have to agree with Jenn Z. The best thing from my experience that works is to get her there, give hugs and kisses and say goodbyes and immediately have the teachers take over. She will most likely cry the first few times but trust me it will get better faster. If you drag out the goodbyes she has learned she can drag out the goodbyes. If you don't she will soon realize the crying act will not work anymore. I have parents that will do this and parents that won't because they feel like they are doing something terrible. The ones that stop the anxiety faster are the ones that do not stay and drag out the process. Trust me it will be hard for you at the beginning but it will get better much faster!!!! The main thing is once you start don't turn back or you will have to start alllll over again. Good luck. Julie