Son "Not Liking" a Girl at Playschool

I was just going to ask you , do you have a baby girl ( Yep ) you do... now is the time to start asking why don't you like her is it because of sister, remind him that this girl can be a good friend to. Maybe sneak a treat and give it to him, tell him its from the little girl at school. White lie I know but it might soften him up to her. He sounds like he is jealous of the female factor. After all now he has to share mom & dad with a baby girl.

Bless his sweet heart

of course its related... he doesn't yet have to communication skills to let you know how he feels about being replaced as the baby... reinforce how great it is to be the big brother... let him do a lot of stuff to help out so that he understands his importance in his new position ... about the girl he doesn't like ... he has to treat her politely whether he likes her or not but that's something we all have to work on

It's OK if your son doesn't care for her. As grown ups we have our share of people we don't like. Just explain to be polite to her (which is hard for 2 year old!) and then go play somewhere else.

Yes, he is transferring his "frustrations/stress" onto another child, Your Son has found someone to take his frustrations out on. No, it's not on purpose... a child so young does not "know" this. They need help in navigating through their emotions.

Having a new sibling is definitely a cause. Your baby is only 4 months old... it takes time for an eldest child to adjust to things.. to sort through it, his feelings, his ideas about it.. his confusions, his "new" role in the scheme of things.

No, don't approach him as though he is a "bad boy." RATHER... you need to sit down with him, and re-focus on him. He is 4 years old and by this age....he can certainly "talk" about things. LET HIM TALK about anything with you, without judgment. I think he is pent-up inside and his insides/emotions are hurting. Thus, frustration and anger. All kids need to "vent" just as adults do....they are tender and just as prone to "stress" or frustrations as adults are. No matter how bright or articulate or social a child is.. they need understanding. He is normal... having a new sibling is a BIG deal to a child.

Yes, as you say, he can "make" peace with your baby, his sister. BUT it takes nurturing and guidance from you/Daddy. I used to make extra sure that I did not loose my girl in the shuffle when I had my 2nd baby... I paid close attention to her moods and behavior.. and even though it is busy with 2 kids...carve out "special" time with just only him. A "Mommy & Son Date" so to speak. They need this. And, with my girl, we always emphasized "teamwork" and that we are ALL special to one another, always.

Kids, (boys especially), need to KNOW that it is okay to talk about how they feel. At anytime, with Mommy or Daddy... and that they will be validated.

Just as an example: I was once at a BBQ party with some other families. A 7 year old girl (which I knew) sat down by me... she then started to totally VENT about her life and how miserable she was. She also told me in exact words "I'm so stressed...my parents never listen to me...." and she went on saying how SHE is always expected to do everything perfectly & if her younger siblings are upset about anything SHE is always blamed since she is the oldest etc. And that she always has to help with her siblings which she does not like because she wants to play & see her friends and she has homework to do etc. -I told her she should speak with her parents about it... and she said "No...they never listen to me or believe me. They never like anything I say...I just have to do what they say" Now, this child was VERY stressed-out and unhappy. Mind you, her Parents are highly educated Professionals in the community. BUT...this was their eldest child talking... to me. She had lost all confidence in her own Parents and had lost all "trust" in her own Parents that they would help her. It is very sad.

Any child needs to be heard and listened to... and observed to see how they are handling daily life or changes in their life.
Sometimes, "bright" children are often assumed to be fine...because they are bright and articulate...BUT "emotional" competence of a child is a whole other issue. My daughter too is very bright and articulate and mature for her age...but, she is still just a child.

I'm sure your little guy will be fine... but spend time with him...show him how his little sister LOVES him too... and how they are a TEAM. In time, perhaps your son will adjust to having a sibling. But you need to nurture the relationship between them....positively, and through examples. This is what we have done with my eldest daughter when I was pregnant and had my son who is now almost 2 years old. Always include your son in anything... he needs to feel that he still fits in maybe...with my eldest child... I tell my daughter, in our private moments together that "You will always be my FIRST baby.. .and Mommy loves you..." My girl seems to get very happy when I tell her that, it makes her feel special.

All the best, your son is still adjusting to his sibling and needs acknowledgement.
It'll be okay... but address it now.
Good luck.
~SUsan

It will be okay...but

Hi Kylie!

First off get used to your son not talking about issues at school. I have always had to drag info out of my boys about their day and they are 11 & 8. I would talk to him about why he doesn't like her and help him understand he still has to treat her nice. Maybe she is a total brat under the radar and he has every reason to dislike her. Or maybe they just don't click. I'd ask him each day about how things went with her and see what kind of feed back you get and then help him through it! Good luck sister!

Hi, Kylie.

I wonder if this little girl was the 'new kid' at playschool around the same time the 'new girl' was arriving home with Mommy? It's great that you've made the connection and it's also great that he's venting his feelings on someone his own size. Trust me, all kids feel the pinch when a new sibling is born, but not all of them show their feelings so harmlessly!

I, too, have great difficulty extracting any info on my kids' school days -- until I tuck them in at night. Something about sitting on their bedside as the day winds down seems to bring all their troubles to the forefront. Saying goodnight to them can take anywhere from 2 minutes to 45 minutes, depending on what's brewing in their little minds. I ask them broad, open ended questions as I rub their backs or stroke their hair. If anything is pent up, it all comes pouring out at bedtime. I don't ask about school or individuals, I just ask how they're feeling. They always say either "fine" or "I dunno" -- but then, magically, it starts tumbling out. I just follow their lead and don't try to steer the conversation. Any lost sleep-time is certainly made up for by peace of mind.

After you start hearing what's on his mind, you can start to piece together a plan to help him adjust. I used to make no secret of the fact that I was tuckered out and sure wish our adorable new baby would JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREADY! My older kids (who were only toddlers) would grin at me conspiratorially and we'd try to help the baby together, knowing we were all in the same boat: "She sure is cute, but man oh man, what the heck does she want now???" For the little ones, it's all pretty big and overwhelming to have such a master spotlight-stealer on the scene. If I let my kids know that I, too, was feeling the pinch -- that I love the baby, but sometimes I feel frustrated or tired or that I miss my time with my other 'babies' -- then they knew THEIR feelings were okay. I took away their guilt. I made them part of my team. We all nurtured the baby together. We all adjusted together. We all loved her together. It seemed to help them make the transition. They even asked me to have more babies! (YIKES!)

Good luck -- and don't you dare feel guilty or torn over any of this, it's 100% normal and it's an integral part of building happy, well-adjusted human beings! You're doing great!!!

:-)

Could it be related to his sis, yeah, big time. Try and make it safe for him to tell you how angry he is that there is a new baby. You might start the dialogue by asking him what he does not like about his classmate, and relating it back to his sis. For ex, if he say's she's bossy, say who else do you know that's bossy, sometimes I find baby sis bossy, do you? Trust me, he may be looking for an acceptable way to reject his sis, btw, this is normal and healthy. Be grateful that he has not put her in a drawer etc! Also, try and spend as much individual time with him as possible. Good luck.

So long as your son has some friends and generally plays well with other kids, I wouldn't worry. My two older kids (3 and 5) have always come across the occasional child that they just don't like / get along with. I think it's normal. It also changes on a dime. I think I would only be concerned if my children were having issues across the board with other kids rather than a personality clash with one other child. Good luck.

How is he with the new baby? It could very well be that he has some anxiety/fear/anger/any other emotion about the new addition to the family and his new role within the family and is manifesting these emotions towards the girl at school. Also, he could be at the stage where he is learning about like and dislike and is testing out the limits of dislike. A lot of kids I have known at this age like something or someone one day and don't like it/them the next. If I were you I would talk to him and let him know that he doesn't have to like this girl but he does need to be nice (ie: talk nicely to her). Let him know it is ok to not like someone but it is not ok to be rude or mean. Also in case it is the anxiety of changes in the family, set aside some one-on-one time with him and talk about how special it is to be a big brother etc. I have a feeling it is just a phase, but talk to him on his level about being nice and help him express his emotions cause he doesn't really have the words yet for that. Good luck!

Hi Kylie,
You're in a frustrating situation. Getting information out of my son about school is like pulling teeth, but every night I grill him on what he did each day and eventually I get some info out of him - cuddling just before bedtime is always a good time to get info. However, if this problem has been going on for awhile, it is up to the teacher to tell you and not rely on a 2 year old to mention it to you. I agree with the mother below, it is ok for your son not to like the girl, but it's not ok to be mean to her. Just keep reiterating that you have to be nice to people even if you don't like them and that he can just walk away if he doesn't like her behavior. Also, remind your son to tell the teacher if this girl is not being nice to him. It could also be that your son really does like this girl and shows it in the wrong way. He's only 2 so he's still learning how to act in social situations. My son is almost six and he certainly hasn't mastered acting the right way all the time but I think he does pretty well since I constantly remind him about his behavior - especially at school. He knows he can be expelled if he acts out on negative feelings.

Just keep talking to your son about appropriate behavior and have the teacher monitor the situation. You may also want to talk to the girl's mother to get her side of the story. I know it's frustrating but it will pass.

Good luck!